last night my stbx and i had a date. it was the first itme i've seen him in 3 weeks. we went to a comedy show and we laughed really hard. we went out afterwards and had a couple of drinks and nice friendly conversation. he was kind of talking about us, his family, stuff like that. normally this type of conversation would have been encouraging.<P>this is my problem though...<P>i was not feeling him at all. i mean it was cool that we were together talking and being friends but that need to have him and be with him was gone. i just don't have that spark anymore. <P>all the mean things he has done and said to me over the past 7 months has left an undulable imprint in my mind and on my heart. all of the blaming and unwillingness to look honestly at himself and the part he has played in all this has made me feel like i just don't like him anymore. when i looked at him last night he didn't look attractive or desireable. i really think he has gone too far and i don't think i want to go back. <P>maybe i am just feeling this now and things will change. but today i feel like it has passed turning back.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by idostylin:<BR>maybe i am just feeling this now and things will change. but today i feel like it has passed turning back. [/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>When you first met your husband, you probably were interested, attracted to him right away, right? Maybe not the first time, but at some point you said to yourself "hmmm... there's some potential here." But you didn't love him, weren't in love with him, you were just exploring the potential that you recognized. After your first date with him, you probably felt pretty good and decided to go on with it; through the courtship, there were probably ups and downs, more good days than bad so the good outweighed the bad, and at some point, an anvil hit you on the head and you said "Holy $^%$, I'm in love."<P>Now, when you date him, you're not starting from zero- you've got some bad, bad stuff to overcome. Maybe you won't ever overcome it; maybe you will. But you certainly won't overcome it in one night, and shouldn't expect to.<P>You certainly sound "down" on him now. Only you can decide if it's worth pursuing. Good luck, and I'm glad you had a good time anyway.<P>

thanks dbt,<P>i think i am just getting my self-esteem back and realizing that i don't have to accept any old thing anymore. <P>it kind of was love at first site for me with him. i was sprung the very first time we went out. i don't think i'm really down on him, i just think i am not feeling him the way i did 3 weeks ago when i was begging him to be kind, understanding, compassionate, etc. now i just don't feel like it matters whether or not he is those things for me, because i know i am a good person, kind, caring compassionate, loving, etc. i guess i just don't need him to validate me anymore. i was always seeking validation from him and in 21 years i can count on one hand the amount of times he has validated, been supportive or compassionate towards me and my feelings. all this time that is all i wanted from him. now i don't require it from him anymore. it's like it's too late. i asked for too long with no results and now i'm not feeling his sensitivity. it feels insincere to me. i don't know. i have been praying for God to deliver me from the, what i feel is, bondage of loving him.<P>we have had a very unhealthy, toxic relationship. my 18 y/o son and my 14 y/o daughter are both very negetivly affected. i observe them arguing and i think to myself they sound just like my ex and me. it makes me cringe...<P>i am glad we had a good time and that it's still possible for us to do so. maybe i should try to treat this like a new relationship. it will be hard though considering the pain and confusion we have inflicted upon each other...

Hey Girl,,,,<P>Sounds like you're doing pretty good these dayz... It took me a while to get to that point but I do remember the relief when I finally hit it.<P>Take Care - <P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

okay, well, i didn't really write a plan b letter, but i did write him an e-mail to tell him that i am stronger and that i think i am prepared to go on alone. i felt sad when i was tyoing and i still feel sad. after all 21 years is half my life. but i know i can do this. yeah!!!

Hi sis,<P>You went on a date? Well that's a good thing. Even if you don't end up back together, at least you might be able to have afriendly relaitionship, I suppose.<P>You said maybe you should treat it like a new relationship...well it is one. Why, because after all the trouble and pain, you two will never be the same, and never feel the same about each other. But that could be a GOOD thing. <P>Two people I know have told me that they don't feel the same about their WS's and never will, but believe their relationships are MUCH better now. And I look at my own dad...you wouldn't believe the change in him. He goes around all day long meeting Mum's emotional needs...and she doesn't always reciprocate his .<P>The point is, I know just from looking at my parents today, that it is possible to go on from this, and have a good loving relationship again, even when you don't think you can love your WS again. My mum has said this to me. She came back when she knew she didn't love dad...but there they are today, very content.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

hey sis,<P>it was encouraging to hear about your mum and dad's story. i don't not love him any more i just feel like i don't have to have him in my life to breath. before i couldn't function thinking that i was loosing him. today it is okay. i can never say it doesn't matter or it doesn't hurt, but the hurt is much less than it has been for months. <P>he is really trying too. i have to recognize what he is doing. he said he was hurt yesterday, because i had given up. he says he is still looking for us to reconcile. that it is still his intention that we divorce, sell the house and rebuild. i guess i can keep my mind open for that, but it isn't a need any longer. not the kind of sick toxic need that it once was. i feel pretty good.<P>but now my oldest (18) is driving me crazy. he is getting more rude, disrespectful and rebellious as the days go by. 2 nights he cursed me becasue i didn't come pick him up when he wanted me too. this morning he was laying on the couch (for the 2nd night, which is not okay), when i tried to talk to him he told me he was tired. "tired of what?" getting loaded, playing video games all day and night, hangning out with his looser friends? What? I said, "why, what do you do?" he said, "what do you do?" OMG was i pissed. i just want him out. the money issue is okay i have all of the money except for 1k. i figure he will blow that by the end of next week. i told him if he wants naymore he is going to have to get his act together. so needless to say we are at odds one more time... <P>why can't everything be smooth at the same time???

hey sis,<P>what are you doing up now? is it already morning? gosh! it's only almost the end of my day and you are in tomorrow. that is such a trip!!<P>ne way. how are you feeling? still up? i hope you have a great weekend. i'm going to look at another car today as well. i don't think i ever told you that h put in the d papers that i either had to refinance my truck or give it back. he has a problem with me looking better than him or me having nicer stuff than him. what kind of a jerk are you to be jealous of your wife. the mother of your children? <P>NE way, i need a cheaper car note anyway. and i found out today that i will get my first support check on 10/20/01. so i can see that my life of independance is well on it's way. he better be careful. i might begin to like this... <P>

Hi Kim,<P>It is 9.50am here. And yes I still feel pretty good. Thank goodness for the uphills on this rollercoaster.<P>I know how you feel about the H better be careful. I think I might get to like MY space! .<P>Now your darling son...he is 18, he is dealing with this separation too, and he has his own way of showing it. I HATED my dad for what he did to my mum, and I was such a b***h to him. I was 20. Well, he deserved it at the time. My son is only 8, but he expresses only anger to me too, never sits down and says he is hurting.<P>I know it is a lot harder to do something when they are older, but maybe try to talk to him about it? I think his disrespect for you is a symptom of what he is feeling inside, and could there be some role modelling of his dad going on?<P>Just some thoughts.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

i feel you.<P>i think you are right on all accounts. i need to be a little more sensitive, but it gets hard sometimes..<P>i outta here. will try to see you this weekend.<P>love ya...