Hi guys, thought this would get your attention. I've had a long day. I called my ex today to tell him I was going out of town tomorrow night with boyfriend(another long story I'll get into at a later date.) He got really quiet and asked who I was going with. I told him someone from a different town he didn't know. He then went on to tell me how unhappy his new marriage was and how sorry he is for all he did to me. He told me he can't stand the thought of another man with me. I told him that I was sorry about how things were happening for him but that I had tried to tell him. I then asked him if he thought I was going to spend the rest of my life as a nun. My God, I'm 36, I'm in the prime of my life and I'm tired of wasting my life waiting for him to straighten his out. <P>I'm all in knots. How dare he do this to me now!!!!!<BR>I'm just pretty much getting over him. I don't know what to do. I know that I could very easily let him back into my life. He's like a drug to me. I can't and I won't ever be second best again. It just makes me so mad! He ruined our lives. I lost everything I worked my whole life for all because of his MLC and his affairs and now he's unhappy! <BR>UHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and he expects me to feel sorry for him and to still be there for him!!!!Now he apologizes!<P>Boy do I feel better just typing this!<P>Anyway thanks to all of you for all of your support.<P>JIll

Jilly,<BR>So sorry to hear about this latest develpment. When do they ever stop trying to inflict pain, consciously or unconciously! I suspect, I too, may be going through this at some point down the road. Its like pee or get off the pot. I really dont know what else to say other than, dang!<BR>The best I can offer is to listen. Vent away!

If he is married again then just keep moving forward, He is getting what he deserves, he wanted this and now he must live with his choices, he has no right playing with your heart, it angers me when I read this, my ex does the same crap, she is with OM, but calls to inflict pain now and then, she still will not except her part. I still move forward and I have found a very nice lady, and there seems to be some chemistry there, I am giving the new lady an honest chance here, I don't need the ex calling iwth her pain, I told her to go on with her life and leave me alone. You only hurt yourself when you call him

Jill,<P>Jill,<P>Jill,<P>These people. . . . <B> just drive me up a wall!! </B> No thought process, no studying up to see if they are making a good decision, nothing but purely released emotion. . . . partly in anger, partly in irresponsibility, mostly in selfishness, alot of control issues. . . . .<P>I just lectured the X on how she needs to parent the children so that they don't become like her. . . . although I never said the "become like you" part, but she got the point. She couldn't disagree, and she admits that I just make her mad, (usually because i disagree with her, and most times, I am righter than she is . . . because she never had real parents, she never learned how to show, she just learned how to teach by lecture.)<P>She refuses to apologize for being rude, refuses to apologize for being uncooperative and not following her agreements. Yes, i am tough with her, and strict with the kids, but this is for their own good, since noone in her family was ever strict or structured, nor is she, someone has to.<P>So, it goes with the MLC territory, at least he admitted it, you should take some pride in it. Otherwise, he is just a control freak, who didn't know how to solve problems. MLC are really running away from yourselves, only to find that you can't, as hard and as fast as you can.<P>Well, these are the lessons that are learned by the kids, unless we teach them that what they witnessed, was not very healthy or smart. <P>good luck, <BR>don't let him try to sweet talk you into guilt. . . <BR>be vague about your plans,<BR>if you want, play with his mind a little bit, <BR>hire a stud model to escort you to one of the kid's <BR>functions, and let his eyes pop out. . . .<P>keep being strong, you can make it yourself. . . . <P>tom<BR>

I figure since you have already got to the divorce part and I am just hearing those words you could be a good person to ask for advice.<P>My husband cheated on me and also told me he uses pot and likes and has done it for 4 years. Yes I caught him a couple times but he said you always catch me the one time I do it. I didn't believe him but what else could I do. Being Catholic and knowing divorce isn't an answer and having 2 kids that need 2 parents and at the time I didn't make alot of money. (The reason I went back to school to work with computers) So I do alright now but will still need a raise if he leaves. Last night he said I think I do want a divorce. I said well bring me the papers and I will sign them until them I am going to continue to work on what is left of the marriage. See his parents are divorced and mine have been married for 34 years. Different values big time!!<BR>IF I would of had a brain when I picked him to marry I would of picked someone who grew up with 2 parents that had morals and made the kids go to church. Stupid 21 year old I was then. I am 28 now and feel like I am married to an idiot. He has a good job (union) and oh he still works with the girl (who is married with a child) who he cheated with. He is going to counseling that I am suppose to go with when he invites me but hasn't yet.<P>What should I do? I want to stay together but I would also like to see him go. Our boys are a handful and he does help alot with them. We have been married for over 6 years now.<P>Please any opinion would be nice!!

Jill,<P>Can your ex spell passive aggressive? This is classic. It's so easy for him to now say all the things you wanted to hear last year because he doesn't have to back up any of those words with actions. It's control, but with plausible deniability. He doesn't want you, but he also doesn't want to let anyone else have you or you to get on with your life. It's not about love, longing, or "what used to be" - it's about control. And it's emotional manipulation. Don't buy into the game for a minute.<P>He might be learning that the grass isn't any greener on the other side of the fence...but that doesn't mean you should let wander back into your yard.<P>Stay strong!<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>I am woman...hear me roar...okay - meow...okay - purr? Hey, I'm working on it.

As usual, I seem to be disagreeing with everyone else. If he is willing to divorce the OW and really commit to you, I think you should consider giving him a chance.

There is a line, that once crossed, cannot be stepped back over. That decision is yours, now...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

First, Susanne Hatch,<P>It might be a good idea to post your story on its own to get more help!<P>Jillybean, only you know what you want to do here...I can see this happening to me in the future as I believe my H is going through MLC big time, and won't wake up for years. I don't know what I would do, but I do know I would be weighing it up very carefully.<P>Take care.<P>Jacky

Hey Jill,<P>I get the same stuff from my X. I'm not sure if she is playing with me, testing the waters, or has really found that the grass being greener on the other side now it astroturf. <P>Makes no difference to me now. I tried my best at reconsiliation and she wasn't interested at the time. She didn't even have the guts [that includes the large and small intestine] to tell me last year that she moved in with him. Her Mom messed up and called here, calling me Brian and asking for Val. I pushed the issue and she [Mom] finally gave in and told me that V moved in with him, it was supposed to be a Super Secret Squirrel gig. V called the next day to admit to it. Um... gee. The way I see it, FOG or not, V f*cked up, I trusted her, she should try to make the best of it. I moved on and traded up. Aparantly, she did not. Sucks to be her!!! <P>You are the only one that can make the decision of what it best for you. If you want to make a go of it with him when he gets a D and she is out of here, I will support you. If you want to tell him to go pound sand up his a$$, I will support you.<P>It's up to Jill, I can only tell you what I have seen in my life.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Hi Jelly,<P>Altho I am D, I usually post on the GQII forum.<P>I had a counseling session with Steve Harley regarding my H telling me he loves me and misses me BUT he is still going to stay w/OW.<P>Steve Harley told me the next time my H calls me I am to tell him it is inappropriate to tell me those things and to ask him to stop, and if he persists, Harley told me to say Good-Bye and hang up on him.<P>Just like you, my H is like a drug to me. I sink into deep depression after he says those things. To me it feels like emotional abuse. <P>So, perhaps it would be appropriate for you to tell your H not to share his feelings regarding HIS regret in HIS decision of divorcing you. Tell him if he continues you will end the conversation. IMHO, this may help you continue to move forward and find the happiness you so rightly deserve.<P>Prayers for you, Jelly.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 29, 2001).]

Jilly, I agree w/ Jo next time he calls and starts to tell you these things tell him "I am sorry you have your regrets..but I can't help you--talk to your now wife about<BR>how you feel..thats her responsibility now..not mine"<BR>and hang up the phone...<P>And I loved your statement about 'Do you expect me to stay a NUN' !!! I WAS ROTFLMAO...

Hey All,<BR>Thanks for all of your responses. There is no way in hell I would ever give him another chance. Do I still love him? Yes<BR>and no. I do miss him sometimes, but I could never, never, never trust him again. He had a second and third chance, in my book three strikes and your outta there. I wonder to just how unhappy he really is or is it a total control thing. He was here today we switched refridgerators(long story) I've lost about 35 lbs the past couple of months so I'm looking pretty good. I kept watching him. He couldn't keep his eyes off me. All I could think was "your loss baby"<BR>He still is one of the best looking men I have ever seen, but you know looks don't mean squat to me anymore. My new guy is nothing special to look at, but he is the sweetest most loving man I have ever met. To see him with his kids would melt your heart. That is what is important to me. Not someone who is more concerned about what he looks like ect than the people he supposedly loves. It's just so sad that here is a man who had everything that is really important in life. A good wife, three healthy wonderful kids and he pretty much threw us all away for what? A *****y new wife and three stepkids. Our own kids won't hardly talk to him anymore and that is so sad. But I can't and I won't let sympathy get confused with love so I guess he's on his own. He has made a committment to her and I hope he just doesn't throw that all away to. <P>JIll