My wife and I have been married 12 years. We dated 4 years before that and thought we knew each other well. Life's pressures with kids and business have brought us to a point where we "life separate lives" in her view. I have hurt her emotionally with short temper and neglect, yet we have had many wonderful times. We have 3 kids, a home and a business. All of this is on the line if we divorce which is what she wants. We have been to counselling, but she says she has finished trying. She is in "Withdrawal" stage, I am still in "Conflict". At 32, I think she is having a mid-life crisis given that we have been together 16 of her 32 years (I am 36). We are still under the same roof and love our kids dearly. I feel it will shatter them if we don't try until the last breath of our marriage. I have received help with my shortcomings but she is unwilling to trust again, which I understand in the short term. Can anyone suggest anything I can do to try to win her back and save this family?

Keep working on yourself and her emotional needs, read the info on this website about emotional needs, if you are making changes and are cositant she will notice and slowly begin to see you are consistant, I think maybe she just needs to see proof of real change and not just words.<P>

Stefano...<P>Your situation is pretty close to mine. My wife and I were together for almost 7 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. I'm 37 and she is 32. We both are professionals and let our business lives take over everything. We pretty much let our relationship wither away. My wife also felt that she could try no more and I wanted to do everything I coud to keep it together. I begged, pleaded and cried quite a bit. In all honesty, by doing this it pushed her even farther away. <P>I think right now you need to stay in your home under the same roof, but give her as much space as possible. She is probably real confused and her emotions are getting the best of her. Let her think about things on her own. You need to win back some of her "Love Points". You won't be able to do that by "boxing" her in. She needs time to reflect. In the meantime, work on yourself. Be the best father you can be and find things that you enjoy and keep busy. It is going to drive you crazy. You are going to fell helpless. But beleive me, don't ever give up if you love your wife and family.<P>My wife and I actually separated on September 1st and have become much closer since I helped her move out. I even found her a house real close to the one we own together. It has been a rollercoaster ride. You are going to need to be patient. Time is on your side. I never thought my wife would come around. At the beginning she said she is done trying and she wasn't sure if she was willing to wake up at age 40 and unhappy in our relationship. Well, low and behold, in the last few weeks she has told me she really has missed me and would like to start thinking about reconciliation. We are not there yet, but by giving her time to figure it out for herself, I feel like I am so much further than I would have been if I continued to beg and plead.<P>I hope this helps and good luck tou you. I know how you feel and I hope it works out for the best.

SanDiego Son...Thanks for your reply.<BR>Our circumstances are quite parallel. Separation is really tough for us because I do a lot of work from home. I am also considering a carreer move that being separated would hurt my prospects in getting the position I want. Besides, I don't want to be away from my kids and frankly, my wife. She has been my life for 12 years. Anyway, I have been badgering her, I know it. I have tried not to and I will make every effort to cease. If you would be willing, I would appreciate the opportunity to correspond via E mail. Any input you could give would be appreciated. My E mail address is eveninginroma@yahoo.com<P>If you prefer just to post here, fine as well. Thanks for your encouragement.

I see you are new here. Have you read all you can about Plan A, love bank and love busters, and emotional needs?<P>If not, I or someone else will set up the links for you. Read, read, read here, it gives you great insight, and support. the people here are just GREAT. I love them all, because they are so caring.<P>Keep posting, we can help you feel better about your situation.<P>Wouldn't be Italian, by any chance? <P>Jacky

Thanks Jacky.<P>Yes, I have read all of the basic principles. They are excellent. I am hoping my wife will be open to reading them soon. They make sense and offer a roadmap to try to turn the situation around.<P>Her situation right now is that she feels emotionally empty. She feels she can't trust me with her heart. She says she refuses to ever again. I understand how she could feel that way now, but if we give things a chance to heal and grow, she could feel differently down the road.<P>My contention is that if we have any chance at all, with 3 kids (ages 5, 7, and 9), we owe it to them and ourselves to try to make this work. <P>I am just going to keep doing what I am doing - offering my love and changing for the better. If she turns it down, there is really nothing more that I can do.<P>Thanks for the encouragement. And yes, Italian by default.<P>Regards, Stefano.<P>

Here is my e-mail address....<P>ibelieveinmiracles2000@yahoo.com.<P>Talk to you soon!

My situation is very much like yours; I have three children and a wife that is now on her second "A". We started to drift years ago after her first affair. She started living a private life and I just got into my business. The end result after 16 years we are now in the divorce stage. I decided not to keep it together; I just didn't want to deal with the "A's". I didn’t want my children exposed to this as well. It was a hard decision not to turn it around. Email me I can give you some advice. ark3@ix.netcom.com. I know what you are going through, exactly.

Stefano,<P>I was curious. You mentioned different stages you two were in. Withdrawal and Conflict. Are these stages that the couselor said you were in. If so did she mention other stages that you might go through? Just wondering. Stay strong!

Stefano,<P>Your wife sounds like me. She's NOT in a midlife crisis. She has lost her trust in you. <P>Early in our marriage my husband had a huge anger problem. his anger got better and I started feeling safer. Then he attacked me one day and all my trust was gone. It did something so psychological to me it's even hard for me to explain. This was something that all the other violent outrages didn't bring on but this time it did. She needs to get her trust back and feel safe and secure. This doesn't happen over night. After the last incident, I'm really not for sure if there is anything my husband could have done but I can tell you the things I would have wanted him to try.<P>1. He needed to take full responsibility for his temper and outburst. He needed to tell me in writing, he understands he is the only one that can make himself get angry. I did not do this. He is the one that made him kick down doors. I didn't make him. He is the one that made him hit me in the head several times. I didn't make him.<P>2. He needed to apologize and leave out any buts. Apologize with full responsibility.<P>3. He needed to put in writing that if I am feeling threatened and tell him to leave the house for an hour or over night that he will immediately leave, no questions asked.<P>4. He needed to put in writing that under no circumstances would he grab me, hit me or physically touch me in a way that made me feel threatened. <P>5. He needed to go to anger management counseling, and continue until I felt he didn't need it anymore.<P>6. Lastly, he needed to put in writing that this contract can not be revised amended or changed under any circumstances no matter how extreme he may think the circumstances has changed.<P>Well, the last one is due to a promise he made me when we were separated. He said if I felt threatened by him, he would leave the house immediately, on the days he came over. One day he came over and he started going into his rage. I asked him to leave. I reminded him of his promise. He stayed all day bullying me. He told the counselor the promise had to be changed because circumstances changed. The counselor just sit looking stunned as well.<P>He would have had to do this before that last incident. At this point, he could sign his name in blood and tell me he'd move to Alaska if it happened again and I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth. It's over for us. Don't let this happen to you and your wife.<P>Oh one more last thing.<P>7. Romance the hell out of me. In which I asked him to do after the last incident. This incident left me with not wanting him sexually. In a counselors office, the counselor asked me in front of him what I wanted and this is one of the things I said. She said name some things. One of the things I named was bring me a rose home every now and then. Something he never did before. A few days later, he came home with a rose and it turned out to be a pair of see through underwear that was made into a rose. As usual thinking of his needs. Here I was traumatized by the incident, feeling sick when he touched me and he brings me see through underwear. GEEEEZ!!!<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 30, 2001).]

Thanks Anna.<P>I have done much of what you mentioned. I have apologized unconditionally - in writing. I have changed and I am continuing to work with a counselor. There has never been any physical violence between us, no name-calling, just arguing and one instance of some bad language. <P>I mistook my devotion to my work as a sign of love that she would accept. Unfortunately, I also avoided her family at a variety of occasions for legitimate reasons, which meant not being with her and our kids. There were understandable reasons for this, but I didn't realize the emotional impact.<P>I am standing my ground in being the better man that I am. I have spent a ton more time with my kids which I thoroughly enjoy. I am not just putting in the time. I do it because I know how important it is.<P>I will work toward romantic gestures when the time is right.<P>Thanks for your input.<P>Stefano <P>

Goodguy,<P>I was just referring to the stages set out in the Marriage Builders principles. I think they are sensibly concise. A counselor has not discussed this with us. Thanks for your concern. Input appreciated. Encouragement appreciated. I have no choice but to stay strong, the way I see it. <P>Thanks man.

Stefano,<P>Romance...<BR>Why isn't the time right now?<P>ANNA<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited October 01, 2001).]

Anna, I strongly believe I need to give her some space. I have been told this from a number of sources. I think she would find the romantic gestures invasive. I left my email address on a previous post if you want to send anything confidentially to me. Maybe you could give me your perspective on this issue. Thanks again. Stefano.<P>

A little levity for those going through emotional torment. This one always picks me up. Hope it does the same for you. Stefano.<P><BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<P><BR>I think Im going to become an actor. I feel like acting in a movie. <P>Im going to drop my lawnmower and act. Yeah.. I feel good now. Earlier I felt like crap, but now.. my life has purpose.. <P>ahhh.. actually.. nazh forget it. I cant act. that sucks.. I was so excited for a second. <P>Man! Anyway.. I have to go to sleep. good night and thanks for all the great advice. I did my brakes tonight.<P>Yeah.<BR>

This is some of the stuff I did while doing Plan A.<P>Plan A is hard without their support, but it can be done...it's the same thing as when you're working together, but you do it for her and the betterment of yourself.<P>First write a list of all the things you know she likes you to do, how you act, what you say. Do a similar list of things she doesn't like. There is no need to share this list with her, in fact if she feels pressure from you right now, it could turn her away. Just keep this to yourself, okay?<P>Now, you try to do as many things as you can that she likes. This is called depositing units into her lovebank. The tricky thing is what might have been good a few weeks ago might not be good now. So PAY attention to her reactions.<P>You DON'T do the things on the list of stuff she doesn't like...if you do it's called love busting (LB'ing). You don't react when she tries to goad you into arguments, just try to react with kind words.<P>Does this sound like being a doormat? This has been argued about a lot here, and to some extent you ARE. But, if you want to do everything you can, you have to do this, to show her you are willing to improve yourself for the sake of your marriage...<P>DO NOT go around saying "Do you think I am getting better...do you think I have changed?" She won't say anything for a good long while if she follows the pattern here. You just have to keep plugging along.<P>Whenever my H came over, I made sure I looked and smelled good, was pleasant, tried not to raise those burning questions, and just showed him the best me I could be.<BR>And I could see a lot of interest there, let me tell you!!!<BR>He had asked for space, so I didn't phone or email. I still don't unless it is business or kids.<BR>I didn't approach him for touch, I let him instigate it.<P>Of course now I have moved countries, and Plan A is too hard over the phone. I hear his deadpan voice, and I can't stand it...it is hard because I don't have the visual clues. So I have recently moved to Plan B in my head, but I find I can't do the whole thing yet for financial reasons. <BR>Don't want to upset him, in case I don't get what I want without the courts.<P>Anyway, I hope this helps.<P>You can email me at jackinoz16@hotmail.com.<BR>if you need to know anything else, or you can do a search on my posts.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<BR>

i understand what you are going through. I am seeking help for myself and feel that it might be too late. I think that i have lost the best thing that ever happened to me. But if i can change some of the things about me maybe she wil see it? For me it is a little harder just because of the physical distance between us. I am active duty military and am in a place i really dont want to be. Dont know how long. and am worried about my family. Please dont get discuraged. Keep trying and go to the end when you realize in your heart enough is enough.