Teresa,<BR>Like you, I was enormously confused over my ex-husband's anger at me. I just could not understand it. He was, in my mind, getting everything he wanted. A counselor that I have been seeing said that this behavior is his way of "dis-engaging" or "detaching" from me. It is a lot easier to detach from someone if you are angry at them then it is to detach if you are being kind and considerate. I just about drove myself crazy trying to understand and find the definitive answer or reason for his behavior but finally just realized there isn't one. It is what it is. This is the ws's issue, not yours.<P>FYI, my ex-husband,like yours, had experienced some significant career setbacks in the last few years of our marriage. My ex was extremely ambitious and got a majority of his "strokes" from his job. He, at the end, had even gotten demoted. He found a very sympathetic and attractive shoulder to cry on in a young co-worker. He did get a job promotion out-of-state, moved and once he was safely away from home, told me in an e-mail that he and I would be happier not being married and counseling would not solve our problems (I wasn't even sure what our problems were since he never discussed his unhappiness with me) and that my daughter and I were not moving out to be with him. He had a long laundry list of things (his justifications for his affair)that were wrong with me that he told to his dad and that his dad wrote down and then gave me the list so I could "understand" why his son was "in such pain from his relationship with me" and therefore deserved to be happy. Great family huh? About one month after our divorce was final he married the OW.<P>You have a big decision to make and it is not an easy one believe me, you can chose to let this emotional catastrophe ruin your future life or you can, as the popular cliche says, move beyond it. Your immediate future is very hard so if you need a sympathetic ear please email me at patalp@hotmail.com<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Barrington:<BR><B>Teresa,<BR>Like you, I was enormously confused over my ex-husband's anger at me. I just could not understand it. He was, in my mind, getting everything he wanted. A counselor that I have been seeing said that this behavior is his way of "dis-engaging" or "detaching" from me. It is a lot easier to detach from someone if you are angry at them then it is to detach if you are being kind and considerate. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey, this matches something my W has said. She had a real anger problem while we lived together. She often was verbally abusive, and also physically. She told me exactly that - that when she was going to be separated from some one, it was easier if she was angry - so she would become angry about the time I was to leave for work, for example. Often, she would start a fight about that time - and I would stay, work through it - and end up 2 hours late for work.<P>Now, I'm unemployed...<P>and she is never angry when I leave her appartment.<P>-AD<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Barrington:<BR><B>A counselor that I have been seeing said that this behavior is his way of "dis-engaging" or "detaching" from me. It is a lot easier to detach from someone if you are angry at them then it is to detach if you are being kind and considerate. I just about drove myself crazy trying to understand and find the definitive answer or reason for his behavior but finally just realized there isn't one. It is what it is. This is the ws's issue, not yours.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I so totally agree with everything you said, and have, happily, reached a level of acceptance. Yesterday was the 3 week anniv. of H's bomb and it was my best day so far. I slept straight through the night last night, too - first time in 3 weeks! And no drugs.<P>I've moved on. I'm over it - well, all except the legal stuff -which he's not going to enjoy very much. I'm in a pretty good place right now and I'm going to enjoy it while it's here. I know I will still have bad days - but I'm really enjoying these good ones. <P>I think acceptance is a major key. STOP trying to figure out why they did what they did. What's done is done. Get over it. Get on with your life. They are no longer the people we fell in love with and married. It's time to take charge and be responsible for our own happiness - and stop feeling all that pain.<P>Boy! Don't I sound strong?! Hope it lasts a while longer because it feels soooo good!<P>I'm emailing a couple of other women who have suffered this same experience, Barrington, and I'd like talking to you more about getting on with life. Mine is rdreher@mindspring.com.<P>teresa<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AbandonedDad:<BR>[BNow, I'm unemployed...and she is never angry when I leave her appartment.-AD[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Whoa, dude. SHE needs help. And you do, too, if this makes you happy.<P>Try reading up on codependency.<P>Sorry, but this just isn't normal.<P><BR>