I am seperated..stbxh filed for divorce in August..as most know he's never been around because of his job..and now is fighting for custody of the kids..which okay..I some what understand..but thats not really my problem..<P>My problem is in how he handles things with the kids..<BR>some examples..<P>1st one..He has been taking our son to Scouts..(which I think is wonderful, he's been in town to do this, and I <BR>want him to be there for those things) but Thursday, when <BR>he came over to pick our son up for scouts our son was at<BR>a friends house had been playing a game and wanted to finish<BR>the game before he left..he wasn't ready to leave..so dad left..when our son came home (about 15 minutes later) he called his dad and told him he was ready and asked if he could come back and get him..dad said NO..You didn't want to go then..so No..this is something they have been doing together and I really didn't want to step in and take over..<BR>but this night was VERY important to our son..they were having a Pack Meeting and going to be singing God Bless America and getting some awards..I told my son that if he wanted me to take him I would..he said NO!! Was very hurt and angry at his dad..and he called him again and asked Him again if he could come get him he ended up calling his dad three times..(the meeting started at 7:00, it was about 6:15 when son called him the first time, about 6:45 the second time and then again at 7:25, stbx lives about 15 minutes away, so it wasn't like he had to drive an hour or two to get here) about 7:30 son finally asked me if I could take him...so I did..stbxh got upset w/ me that I took him..since thats supposed to be their thing..but I knew how important it was to my son..so I took him..he didn't have his uniform since it's at dad's, so after we were there about 20 minutes son got his award and was ready to go..he felt embarassed by not having a uniform on like everyone else...(he said he didn't like being there and not being in uniform like everyone else) so we left..I went out yesterday and bought him a uniform shirt so that he'd have one here at least..and I also bought him a handbook to keep here at the house since he's here most of the time and I can work with him on some of the activities as well...was I wrong in doing this?? Since this is supposed to be something for them?? or should I as his mom try to encourage him to work on these things even when dad isn't around?? <P>2nd thing..last night son called dad about going over there and asked if he could bring a friend..his dad had told him No, he couldn't bring his friend because they don't listen to him -- okay I understand that..so Son said he didn't want to go..because his friend couldn't go..son didn't ask me if his friend could stay the night here because he knows he couldn't get away with acting up and I would have taken the boy home..(i've done that before) son hung up on dad..and got mad..no biggy...get mad - I don't care..you can be mad all you want..well..stbx called back and gave in..told him okay you can bring your friend over..(manipulation worked) <BR>my friend can't come so I'm not going..my daughter also wanted to go over and take a couple friends..so he let her do this also..when he called back to talk to son I had answered the phone..and he was complaining that he was still not over last weekend when he had 7 kids there..(ours plus 4 friends) and that he was really just wanting some time alone..I took the opporunity to tell him..You can tell them NO..they can't bring any friends over all the time..and if they get mad..or upset - to bad. I told him that he's the parent..and it is HIS apartment and if he doesn't want all the kids over there then thats his decision..and if the kids don't want to go over there because of it..then thats their choice..and it's something they have to live with..I also told him..I tell the kids NO all the time..they get mad but to bad..they can get mad at me..he didn't like that I said that..but I felt it was something that needed to be said..<BR>Was I wrong in telling him this? I am sure he felt that I was being critical of his parenting skills..because of the attitude he got with me..maybe guilt??<P>I know that I can not alieviate his guilt for not being there all these years..and his thinking that he has to do what they want or not see them..but is there anything I can do to help him see that by his giving in all the time it only makes it worse for him in the long run?? or should I just sit back and let him learn on his own?? When he would come home before for the one weekend a month and I'd get tell the kids NO to things they would go to him and ask him<BR>and he'd let him do it..(typical use one parent against the other, and whenever I'd try to discuss it with him in the past he'd just get upset with me) I know this is his own guilt about being a good parent..or being the "nice guy" all the time since he's been gone so much..but it drives me NUTS..because when they come home from his house..I have to deal w/ the well dad lets us do this and the screaming and temper tantrums and end up having to send them to their room and discipline even more.."I tell them..maybe so..but this isn't dad's house..this is mine..and we all have to live here together, and I have a different set of rules and you know what they are" it is so tempting some times to just say..okay take custody of the kids..but I know that they need structure and discipline and they don't get it there because he sits and drinks and locks himself in his room (per the kids) while they are there and they can do as they please..even though he gets upset and yells at them and tells them NO, they can't do this or that..he gives in just to shut them up..<P>one more thing..as far as the scouts things go..there have been many times son has had activities on the weekends for scouts that dad hasn't taken him..because he's forgotten about them..and when I ask them how it was they are like..OH MAN..we forgot..yet I know son wanted to do this all week because he'd reminded me about them all week long..<P>Any thoughts?? Suggestions??<BR><p>[This message has been edited by ThornedRose (edited September 29, 2001).]

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR VENT VENT VENT!!!! Angry Outburst!!!!<P>Our 13 yr old...babysits for some extra spending money..which is great..I make her put at least 1/2 in<BR>the bank and the rest she can spend..<P>Now, the question here..two of the kids were with their dad this weekend..daughter got paid from the lady she babysits for, and dad took them shopping..he bought son and other daughter (who was w/ me) some toys..and he bought son lunch.. he made 13 yr old buy her own things and buy her own lunch..told her she has her own money so she can pay for herself..now..am I wrong here..or should he have at least bought her lunch?? and helped pay for at least one of the things she wanted, and anything else she wanted above the amount spent on the others she could have bought herself??<P>Or am I just being sensitive??? <P>I'm getting to the point I really really hate this man..<BR>

No, I think you are being angry with just cause...and there is not a thing you can do to stop him. In fact, I bet if you tried to say anything, he'd just get worse.<P>But take heart, because he is putting a noose around his own neck as far as the children go...they will see what he is doing and reject him.<P><BR>Could it be that he KNOWS this is pushing your buttons, so he is doing it to get to you? Bet it has something to do with it.<P>Well, from now on, don't let your D take any money with her, if she asks why, tell her, that dad is taking them ALL out, and is will pay for ALL of them. He can't very well let her starve, now, can he? In the meantime, you take her out to the mall so she can spend her money.<P>Why do some people have to drag the kids into this? <P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<BR>

Favoring one child over another is detrimental to the health of the child (emotional/mental health - if nothing else).<P>I agree with Jacky - don't allow daughter to take her money with her. Making one child pay for their own is like giving only one child a birthday gift.<P>Infuriating isn't it!<P>Don't let him continue this. Keep a record of it and bring it up in court! It isn't okay with the judges either. <P>Jan

It's not that I let her take it with her..the lady she babysits for lives over by her dad and she gave her the money while she was there..had she given it to her here..I'd have already had it to be put in the bank...