Hey just some thoughts/comments about how to handle WS when she contacts me now that she has moved out. She asks how I'm doing. I try to be upbeat and say I'm doing well. If I seem like I'm just doing great with out her won't that make her feel like I'm not bothered at all that she's not around anymore? Actually I have had a good weekend. Been running again. It really has made me feel better.<P>Also, as WS was moving out I was doing okay. But when that final moment came to say goodbye I felt speechless. We left on good terms but there was so much that I wanted to say. She agreed but wanted to get out in a hurry. I know it was killing her. She told me to write a letter to her telling her everything I wanted to say and she would do the same. ANyone have any suggestions about what kind of things are well recieved and what isn't. Has anyone else done this. Are we both complete weirdos? Well I know she is but....

no, you're not weird.<P>I've come to realize that each relationship is an anomoly... we try to learn from others but really each situation is unique. So, you may or may not find what you're asking for here, but you must remember that you are charting new territory with your spouse... it's going to feel very strange and alien to you for now... just go with the flow. If you're not feeling anything, don't write anything... it may come later, it may not. You may just tell her your speechless or completely void of words but you're very interested in hearing what she has to say and that you'll share once something comes... maybe it's just numbness at this point to protect yourself emotionally...<P>Warmly,<BR>nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goodguy:<BR>If I seem like I'm just doing great with out her won't that make her feel like I'm not bothered at all that she's not around anymore? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It sounds as if you're trying to out-think her: "should I appear miserable so she'll feel guilty and want to come back and take care of me, or should I appear happy and healthy so she'll envy my happiness and want to come back and share it?"<P>Remember: <I>Your wife's brain has been taken over by aliens. There is no way to predict her reactions to anything.</I> You can't psychoanalyze her now. Maybe your being upbeat will make her think this whole mess doesn't bother you, and maybe it won't. Even if it does, maybe <I>that</I> will bother her, and maybe it won't. Do what's good for you- and running is apparently good. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>She told me to write a letter to her telling her everything I wanted to say and she would do the same. ANyone have any suggestions about what kind of things are well recieved and what isn't. Has anyone else done this. Are we both complete weirdos? Well I know she is but....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Usually, I would say writing such a letter at this point would be bad- she's in withdrawal, and a "our relationship" letter would most likely make her feel guilty and push her away more. Tread cautiously. But, on the other hand, she asked for it....<P>After my wife had decided to move out, but before she actually did, I wrote her a love letter, in which I told her again of my hopes for us, both separately and together. I told her I knew she didn't see how we were going to come back together, but that I still believed we could and that I still wanted to. The only mention of the pain she was causing me was structured without blame (to wit: "the distance between us is the worst pain I've ever endured," not "you've hurt me so by leaving"), and followed immediately by a positive statement of how much I value our love. I e-mailed it to her (I was out of town at the time); she told me on my return that it was "beautiful." Obviously, it didn't change her mind, and I didn't expect it too. I thought of it as another attempt to chip away at the wall.<P>I was inspired to do so by a similar effort undertaken in a novel a friend told me about: a husband wrote his estranged wife a letter describing his hopes for their future, closing with "will you join me as my partner in these crimes?" She came back to him; fiction always works out more cleanly than real life.<P><p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited October 01, 2001).]

This is some of the stuff I went through.<P>Plan A is hard when separated, but it can be done...it's the same thing as when you're together, but less frequent.<P>Whenever my H came over, I made sure I looked and smelled good, was pleasant, tried not to raise those burning questions, and just showed him the best me I could be.<BR>And I could see a lot of interest there, let me tell you!!!<BR>He had asked for space, so I didn't phone or email. I still don't unless it is business or kids.<P>Of course now I have moved countries, and it is too hard over the phone. I hear his deadpan voice, and I can't stand it...it is hard because I don't have the visual clues. So I have recently moved to Plan B in my head, but I find I can't do the whole thing yet for financial reasons. <BR>Don't want to upset him, in case I don't get what I want without the courts.<P>So now I just email about business and kids...she has asked you to write your feelings down. I believe this is a good thing to do, but do it with a lot of 'I' statements, and no blame on her. If you do write this letter, please post it here so we can help refine it, or if you don't feel comfortable showing the whole world, you can email me at jackinoz16@hotmail,com.<P>Take good care of yourself Brandon.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky <P>