In March, my father, to whom I was VERY close, died (my mother has benn dead for six years). In July, I threw my W a big birthday party at a local winery where she works...it was a beautiful night, at the end of July she informs me that she 'loves me but is not in love with me' (has anyone here heard THAT one before?!!!, he asks unknowingly) and wants to divorce me, just today I was informed that I will be 'laid off' next week. My W tells me that I can chose to be upset about these things or not, if I want to be upset, well then 'be upset', in her words.<P>Can't I be just a little upset about these events, the betrayal I feel from my Wife, and the loss I feel of my Dad? Do I have to keep a stiff upper lip all of the time? I just want someone to say, 'boy, that's tough, it sure has been a tough year for you, are you alright?'<P>I am feeling a little abandoned at this point, can anyone help?<P><BR>Thanks,<BR>vb_guy

((((((((VB))))))))))))<P>((((((((VB))))))))))))<P>You need to spend time mourning the death of your father and the death of your marriage. You do not need to hold this in. This is two deaths in a year. That is so tough for anyone. Once you spend time mourning, crying and going through every emotion possible, mad, angry, happy about the good memories, sad about the bad, betrayal, etc. then you can start the healing process.<P>Take the time you need and deal with your feelings. You do not need to be the tough person all the time. I don't know you, but right now I wish I were there to give you a real hug and let you cry on my shoulder.<P>Don't just be a little upset. Be alot upset. Holding things inside is going to eat you up inside. Don't let it.<P>The more you deal with the more you will eventually heal.<P>((((((((VB)))))))))<BR>Take care.<P>ANNA<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited October 01, 2001).]

(((((((((Anna))))))))):<P>I have never given a cyber-hug before, but it sure feels good to give and get them. Thank you, thank you for your kind, warm words. <P>I wish things were different. My Grandmother always said to me when I said "I wish...", "Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets full first."<P>I may not have been a PERFECT husband but I was darn good, and even considering the times I was less than Prince Charming, I was always "there" for my W. I took care of her in a way she very nearly never did for me. At least she was nice to me then. Why can't she be nice to me now?<P>What did I do? I do want to cry.<P>Thanks, again, Anna.

VB,<P>I'll bet your grandmother was a really neat person to know.<P>During the time I started going into depression. One reason was because I wasn't letting my emotions out. <P>I was so sad. I thought I would never have romance in my life again and that the love and romance was dead.<P>For some reason I thought I needed to read a romance novel. Maybe just to know there is still hope. So I went and purchased a book "Message in the bottle". I didn't know this book had a sad ending.<P>A very lonely divorced lady not knowing if she ever would find romance, met a very lonely widower longing for the return of his beloved wife, and they fell in love. The ending was tragic as he died in the end of the book before they could marry. I totally lost it and cried hysterically over this book. I never thought it would end like that. My perfect romance that I had loved reading ended so tragic. I wanted to shred the book to pieces. I hated the book. I cried so hysterically I threw up. Not knowing then but knowing now that this book was one step in getting over my depression. I needed to cry hysterically. VB you need to cry. Don't hold it in. You may not cry today but there is going to come a time when you will cry over your loss and if people are around you just ignore them and cry. You know I have a feeling that you never really truly mourned your mothers death either. If you didn't it's time.<P>Take care and thanks for the cyber hug.<P>ANNA<P>

(((((((((((((((((((vb_guy)))))))))))))))))<P>I know just how you feel, my brother died last year, and then later that year my marriage fell to bits with A#1.<P>And now your job, too. It feels like you're losing everything, huh? It's so much to deal with at one time. Anna is right, though, you must allow yourself to cry and mourn these deaths.<P>Your wife is not there for you now and that is something that you have to accept. Who can you talk to about these things? Do you have a close friend or family member? Are you in counselling?<P>Come here and we will give you hugs anytime you need them.<P>((((((((((((((((((((Victoria Bitter_guy))))))))))))))))))<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

vb_guy,<P>I know exactly how you're feeling. My wife left 11 weeks ago, my dad died 4.5 years ago, my mom is currently in the hospital for maybe the last time(not sure yet) and I was laid off last month.<P>I know your pain! Hang in there though, it will all be better eventually.

(((((((((VB)))))))))))))<P>Just one more hug before I go get busy. Take care guy. <P>ANNA<BR>

I know how you feel.<P>If you didn't make this post, I'd have to.<P>Granted, I'm doing a little bit better than you, at least for now, things can always get worse. I still have my job which I usually love, and I think I'm safe, given my position, but a merger and bad IT market have me wondering. I had an extremely bad attitude today, given that morons in other cities and countries couldn't get their act together (networking). It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're hanging with turkeys. Totally inept people. One gets to a point where they ask, "Why should I care, no one else does?". I started contemplating walking out, even though I know that would be a mistake. I am going to take some time off at the end of this week and I just might take all of next week off. What the hell, I NEED a break. Two weeks maybe, I know I have the time. <P>My mother died a little over a year ago, though we weren't close. My WS XW really drained the energy from me. It was a total waste of my time and effort apparently. Looking back, she planned it all. She did everything she could to push me away, once the OM was in the picture. I can still hear the words ringing in my ears "I thought you'd get mad", even though I wouldn't. She was doing her absolute best to make me blow up and leave. To hell with her. I hope that one day she will reap what she sows, but it's not in my hands. I am totally sick of her behavior too. Psycho.<P>I've been sad lately. The tears just won't come. Sometimes they do a little, but it's just not enough.<P>I don't have any family near me. I have no other home to go to. That REALLY sucks. I've never had a HOME.<P>Sometimes I think of ending it. (a normal suicidal thought which passes)<P>Be upset all you want, but don't let the sick b***h see you and get her jollies off of it. She riding high now, but you will have the hilltop view later on.<P>Hang in there vb_guy. You're hard work will eventually pay off.<P>Kevin

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has replied to this post, Anna2000, sad_but_true, Nina too, & father of 1, husband of 0.<P>Before I go any further, I would like to say to father of 1, husband of 0, that while I know those very nasty thoughts of ending things all too well, and I am sure that they pass when you think them, please, if you are ever thinking them really hard, post here instead. I check this board many times per day. All of us here will do anything we can to help you through those times. What is going on with we IT guys?<P>I am sorry to hear of all of the other problems faced by you folks. My life seems so blessed by comparison. I do not have children (I guess this is one of the few times when not having children is a blessing) & I have three miniature dachshunds who kiss me when I come home.<P>Anna:<BR>"You know I have a feeling that you never really truly mourned your mothers death either. If you didn't it's time."<P>I wonder how you knew that this was true. I don't know when I will be able to but I think it will be soon. How is the SQL coming?<P>Nina:<BR>"I know just how you feel, my brother died last year, and then later that year my marriage fell to bits with A#1."<P>While losing my parents has been devastating to me, losing one's parents seems to be the natural order of things. Losing a brother is too terrible for words. I hope you are doing better with that loss.<P><BR>sad_but_true<BR>"I know exactly how you're feeling. My wife left 11 weeks ago, my dad died 4.5 years ago, my mom is currently in the hospital for maybe the last time(not sure yet) and I was laid off last month."<P>I never really felt completely grown up (even though I am 36) until my folks were no longer with me. Isn't losing your Dad a terrible feeling?<BR>What do you do for a living? This is a crappy time to be out of work, as if there is a GOOD time to be out of work, but now seems particularly bad. I hope you get owrk soon.<P><BR>To all, I am very sorry for your losses. My Wife seems to be sucking the energy out me, too. I have been a patsy for a while. I continue to be just that and I guess it is my own fault, because everytime she needs something, I am there for her. She has definitely NOT been there for me in a long time.<BR>Collective chins up to all of us!!!, hard as that is sometimes.<BR>If I can be of any help to anyone here, let me know.<P>vb_guy<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vb_guy:<BR><B>I never really felt completely grown up (even though I am 36) until my folks were no longer with me. Isn't losing your Dad a terrible feeling?<BR>What do you do for a living? This is a crappy time to be out of work, as if there is a GOOD time to be out of work, but now seems particularly bad. I hope you get owrk soon.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm 35 and losing my dad was terrible. But I will say being seperated from my wife is far more painful, as my dad was gone, my wife is still out there somewhere. I agree about not feeling grown up until now.<P>I'm a computer programmer. Your name reminds me of my main language... at least for now, MS always seems to throw new things out to learn. Even interviewed with them a few weeks ago... prior to the bombings when things might have been better in the job market. Still, not worried and am getting some interest.<P>Hang in there!<P>p.s. My mom is doing OK, I just found out. Not perfect but not as bad as it could have been.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sad_but_true (edited October 01, 2001).]

Hi, sad_but_true:<P>I am very glad to hear the good news about your mom & concur with you that my W leaving feels worse. My dad & mom did not die because they no longer loved me.<P>Are we all computer programmers here? Yes, the vb in vb_guy stands for Visual Basic. I work in VB6, but am looking to get into VB.NET or C#. I also work with ASP and T-SQL. Abandoned_Dad is a C++ guy and I always think about going to that language as it seems to give a programmer the most control over what is going on under the hood.<P>I hope that things go well for you. Let me know what is going on.<P>vb_guy<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by vb_guy:<BR>"[B]In March, my father, to whom I was VERY close, died (my mother has benn dead for six years). In July, I threw my W a big birthday party at a local winery where she works...it was a beautiful night, at the end of July she informs me that she 'loves me but is not in love with me' (has anyone here heard THAT one before?!!!, he asks unknowingly) and wants to divorce me, just today I was informed that I will be 'laid off' next week. My W tells me that I can chose to be upset about these things or not, if I want to be upset, well then 'be upset', in her words."<P><BR>Why do you think your wife shows so little compassion? I am sorry to hear that comment from her. Of course you are having a hard time and you would be a strange person if these things didnt bother you. <P><BR>"Can't I be just a little upset about these events, the betrayal I feel from my Wife, and the loss I feel of my Dad? Do I have to keep a stiff upper lip all of the time? I just want someone to say, 'boy, that's tough, it sure has been a tough year for you, are you alright?'"<P>People with a stiff upper lip live a cold, lonely, and sad life...usually a short one too. Hold that stuff in and it could end up eating you up.... <P>Heres what you do right now....go pick up your wifes favorite lamp and smash it out on the sidewalk and then tell her gee.... I chose to feel better about all this stuff raining down on my life right now. Thanks for the great advice honey. <P>Im kidding.....but its a fun thought isnt it?? <P>Dont hold it in vb_guy. It will kill you at worst and keep you from healing at the least. <P>"I am feeling a little abandoned at this point, can anyone help?"<P><BR>Never feel abandoned here at MB. Heck, I'll drive out to wherever you are and say something mean to your wife if it will help. I'll do it to. <P>One of my favorite songs in the whole world is "Through Heavens Eyes" from the movie "The Prince of Egypt". There is a verse that goes ....<P><BR>"If a man loses everything he owns, has he truely lost his worth? Or is it the begining of a new and brighter birth?"<P>So, how do you measure the worth of a man in wealth or strength or size? Is it how much he gained or how much he gave? The answer will come to him tries to look at his life through heavens eyes.<P>Maybe you can look at these setbacks as the begining of your new and brighter birth. And in any case you are a worthy man. And its not your job that makes you so.<P>Dont worry, another job will come along. Its only those days that pass that you can never get back. Go boldly into this life.....and the offer still stands to trounce your witch...er wife. <P>Please take very good care of yourself.<P>Randy <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vb_guy:<BR><B>My W tells me that I can chose to be upset about these things or not, if I want to be upset, well then 'be upset', in her words.<P>Can't I be just a little upset about these events, the betrayal I feel from my Wife, and the loss I feel of my Dad? Do I have to keep a stiff upper lip all of the time?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You can choose your actions, and to a large extent you can choose your attitudes. What you choose to dwell on in your mind can profoundly affect both your attitude and your feelings. In that rather limited sense, vb_guy, your wife has a valid point.<P>But, it is absurd to think that you should <I>not</I> feel the pain of your wife's betrayal, and that you should <I>not</I> feel grief over the loss of your father. How is keeping a stiff upper lip all the time going to help you process these feelings, which are normal and natural and necessary?<P>When something hurts, man, it <I>hurts</I>, and who are you fooling if you pretend otherwise?<BR>

vb_guy,<P>Sorry about the job. I was asked to resign about a month after my W moved out. I really didn't care. It was a relief to not have to go to work. It seemed to help our relationship too. Unfortunately, it seems to be going the other way now. I did have a job interview yesterday, but didn't even bother to finish filling out the application and take it back to them. I need to do that this afternoon. They sounded interested, but they didn't ask any hard questions. The work sounded exciting. Maybe they just interviewed me because one of their customers goes to church with me and put in a good word.<P>I know how you feel about the avalanch of bad news. My Mom was almost dying last October/November while we were about to have our baby. I had to make the discision to keep trying to keep her alive or let her go. I decided to try - and she lived to see our daughter born - but I have rarely seen Mom since then. My W refused most of the time to go - or to take the baby to see Mom in nursing home. Mom is in stable but bad condition now - confused, blind. Even since W moved out, I've had a hard time making myself go see Mom. Fortunately, Mom doesn't know about our problems.<P>Losing my W is much worse than the death of my Father or the impending death of my Mom - or (for me only) the threat of war.<P>BTW. I'm going to NYC on Saturday. Just felt like giving the city and the airlines some support. No particular plans - except to return home on Tuesday.<P>-AD

vb,<P>I hope you are doing better.<P>On your question regarding SQL, it's going a little slow but I'll buckle down soon.<P>This is a field that I have entered into, knowing very little about. I did have a DBA tell me he's never seen anyone learn SQL as fast as I have, but I still feel like I am so behind and it's all so overwhelming. I keep going off into too many directions and times and need to just stay focussed on what it will take to get to one goal which is, I think learn enough right now to get a job as Data Base Operator for now. What do you think?<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<BR>

Anna:<BR>I think that you should pursue this career. I did not start in computers until I was 32, though I had gotten my undergraduate degree in mathematics, so that was a little help.<P>I have found that the worst enemy you can have is lack of focus. This will be a problem for two reasons:<P>1. You will need a great deal of focus to learn SQL. If you go off in too many different directions you will spread yourself too thinly and will make no progress in any direction. There is also the fact that you can not learn anything about computers without learning something related.<BR>So your knowledge will grow into areas you did not even think about.<P>2. You will also need a great deal of focus to do the job of 'query writer' once you get a job, and you will get a job. You will not believe how much concentration it takes to do this job. You will also not believe how satisfying this job will be.<P>I can honestly say that I love computers. I love the concentration and the focus. This is the greatest job a person could have, next to world champion aerobatic flyer.<P>Focus, Luke, focus.<P>I hope that you do well (and I know you will).<P>I am doing a little better today. I need a job, I need a woman, I need my friends.<P><BR>Take care, Anna,<BR>vb_guy<P>