Even though my husband's affair has been over for a few months I am curious as to what his lover looked like. We are working at resolving our marriage but I am dying to just see what she looks like. Is it alright to do that or should I just keep moving on? I know I am obsessing. I don't know how I will feel if I see her. I have called her to hear her voice and just hung up. I guess I am just curious as to why he was with her. He can not seem to tell me other than it was a big mistake which he regrets and he felt so guilty leading another life and she had nothing that I don't have. He even mentioned that I was a better person than her any many ways and he was so wrong for having the affair. Can someone just guide me?<BR>

PLEASE, please, from one who knows, move on from this.<P>It will serve NO purpose. None, except make you compare yourself with her, and you will do that anyway in your imagination...<P>It has been over for a few months...please try to forgive your H and move on and concentrate on building your marriage to the best level it can be.<P>I didn't let go of the OW thing until it was too late, now he's gone and with OW#2. Learn from my mistakes, please.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by minnyj:<BR>I know I am obsessing. I don't know how I will feel if I see her. I have called her to hear her voice and just hung up. I guess I am just curious as to why he was with her. . He can not seem to tell me...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>(disclaimer: this is seat-of-the-pants reaction, not wise counsel from someone who has been through it)<P>You know this behavior is unhealthy, or you wouldn't be asking. It sounds to me like the answers you need will have to come from your husband, not from seeing or hearing the voice of the OW. He tells you he's sorry, he feels guilty, and he was wrong for having the affair. This is all good; but the step that you both have to take is to find out why, at the time, he did it- what needs weren't being met, what boundaries weren't being maintained, what insecurities weren't being dealt with- so you can prevent it from happening in the future.<P>I believe if you get that info, you won't care what the OW looks like. If you don't get that info, seeing her won't ever satisfy your curiosity.<BR>

I would HAVE to see her. And I did. For me, it gave me peace of mind. I was like - o.k. she looks like dogmeat, I feel better - it is definately issues he has, not problems with me. <P>Just make sure you know how far you will go. If you want to see her - go see her but don't say a word to her. Then come back and post if you are tempted to talk to her. Because you will be. But for me there is closure in that and it gets rid of the wondering. <P>Keep in mind she may know what you look like and it may be reason for her to contact your H.<P>It may be something you want to talk to him about so that you are being radically honest with him.<P>I don't care how many people told me not to - I did and have no regrets. For those that say don't do it - have they been able to move on from it without knowing... or do they know and wish they didn't. <P>Me and my H are now in recovery but if I act psycho because of his actions then it is something he needs to deal with and to accept responsibility for and help me through the process. He may not want you to but you two should come to an "enthusiastic agreement" on it. If he says no and you don't agree that doesn't mean the answer is no and end of story.<P>Have you read this site and the policies to rebuild your marriage and trust?<P><BR>

I was curious also, having met the OM #1 first before she went hog wild with him. Then, i had to see number 2, and he is definately an anti-WIFTTy. He had a beer belly, he is not an athlete, he is not extremely attractive, that must be why he has never been married, and he told my kids, he doesn't like kids. So what is it that X is attracted to?<P>But seeing him and thinking about who he represents has helped me understand her and me, and our demise, so I recommend seeing what she looks like, or acts, but not necessarily meeting or talking to her, at least not yet.<P>So what was it about this person? Well, it is not about looks, the relationship is about something else. All men don't pick wives for just their looks; personality has alot to do with it, as well as their place in life economically and socially to fit into what the WS believes is filling his view of his life. . . .<P>My X's BF is favored over me because he works at the same place, just like her parents did. He is in the blue collar class, just like my X's grandmother believed were the ones to be taken care of. He is a maintenance man, and can fix or rescue her whenever she needs it, because she views acts of service to her as the best sign of love. Also, her personality type enjoys staying very physically close, which I do not, its too icky for me. He enjoys the outdoors the same way X does, which is not the same way that I do. Finally, since she feels most comfortable with the blue collar class, and did not feel very comfortable with my white collar, corporate or upper middle class, she felt a very close understanding and more control potential than with me.<P>So from her point of view, I understand what she has done, but that doesn't make it UN-SELFISH, UN-COMMUNICATIVE, and very confusing to our kids. But then again, she has told me she LOVES to be wanted, and what better way to be wanted than to kick out the Dad, and then have the kids cling to her?<P>if you don't believe me, i can go on.<P>good luck, but it could answer some questions, as it did for me.<P>WIFTTy<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited October 02, 2001).]

Well,<P>On further reflection on this subject, this is what I think.<P>I never met OW#1, but I had my H describe her to a tee for me, which he did, as she later stalked me, so I know what she looked like (but didn't at the time).<P>But what this made me do EVERY time I was out, was look for a girl with those attributes, and HATE every single one of them who fitted. Kinda warped and sad I know...<P>His 2nd A, I knew the girl, so it took all that feeling away, I KNEW what she looked like and what sort of person she was, so I didn't obsess nearly as much (well I DID, just not about the same things).<P>So maybe you should get a look at this girl, a LOOK only, mind you!<P>Take care !!!<P>Jacky