Yesterday, I had to meet with my STBX regarding insurance papers. (We've been separated 1-3/4 years and D-Day was 2 years ago). We got along fine, figured everything out, then he went back to work. Later in the afternoon, he called to ask if I was okay with what we figured out. I said yes, and then we started chatting.<P>I've been trying to ask him what, specifically, it is about me he didn't like, didn't want to live with, etc., etc. (I have this thing where I HAVE to figure out what went wrong....was it me, was it him, what??!! It's driving me crazy! But I want to know so I don't make the same mistakes again and/or just go on thru life being that way....a b*tch, whatever....). Anyway, he was really honest with me and of course, it hurt. He told me stuff I already sort of knew...like being hard, unflexible, impatient, etc.....so it shouldn't have affected me so. But I ended up bawling all the way home after work (50 minutes). And then I called him after I got home and apologized for being that way in our marriage...I truly didn't mean to hurt him at all. And I can see how I did in some ways.<P>But I'm sooooo tired of being this way. I can sort of see some of it, but much of it, I can't see or I can't figure out how to change. <P>The thing that really got me was, if I can't "fix" it, I won't want to open myself to a new relationship and if I don't do that, I'll be alone...forever. While I do okay alone, I am realizing that I WANT to be with someone. But now I have this fear that when the person really gets to know me, I'll just be too hard a person to live with and they'll leave. <P>Yes, I know I'm basing that on my H's opinion. But, he wasn't the first to do this to me.<P>Anyway, I am TOTALLY depressed today, still majorily emotional and feel like I'm back to square one after all this time of feeling strong, etc. <P>How am I gonna get better? How am I gonna address those areas that "turn people off?" I can't even really see them clearly myself. I read all this great stuff here at this site, and think because I read it, and agree with it, that I've done the work. But now I don't know if I have....I still find myself being disrespectful to people sometimes....without even meaning to be. Is it even possible for me to change?? I'm frigging 45, for God's sake! <P>Anyway, I'm bummed today and just needed to vent. <P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Did your vows go something like this:<P>"for better <BR>for worse<BR>for richer<BR>for poorer<BR>in sickness <BR>and in health...<BR>UNLESS<BR>she is being hard, unflexible, impatient, then divorce<BR>OTHERWISE<BR>until death do us part"<BR>????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????<P>I don't know your story Mrs. O but it sounds like the divorce might be going through because your human. I'm not sure if you are the BS but if you are then the ONLY reason for divorce is because he is irresponsibile, unwilling, selfish... and the OW will NEVER be able to provide what he wants.<P>Hang in there, don't be too hard on yourself, get counseling, keep posting.<P>"Never be bullied into silence. <BR>Never allow yourself to be made a victim<BR> Accept no one's definition of your life;<BR> define yourself." <BR>-Harvey Fierstein<BR>

One of the things that I had trouble doing was forgiving myself. And I don't think I did my major healing until I accepted what had been my flaws, saw their roots, and forgave myself. Then, and only then, could I start to love and accept myself more fully. And only then could I start trying to work on those areas.<P>Forgiving myself made it easier to get over everything and move on.

Mrs. O,<P>we all are different people. He may have been MORE sensitive to your faults than another person may be.<P>I have my faults, and the person that I am dating knows what they are, or some/most of them. But she does not live with me, she can't see me 24 x 7, so she only gets to see me when we are together, and therefore, only sees my faults if they appear during that period of time. Likewise her faults are only visible if they show up when I am present. However, there are ways to make the next relationship easier.<P>First, what personality type are you and what was he? Was he reacting to any Family of Origin issues, or were they real issues with you? My X said that "because her parents should have divorced (in her opinion) we have to divorce." this is a clear sign that she is making amends for her parent's past issues. It is clear that she is associating me with her mom, and she with her dad, (yet she acts like her mom does with my XFIL with me! she just can't see it and has told me she does not want to see that and will fight me over it if i bring it up.)<P>So your issue might be severe or not, i don't know what they are in reality. However, that does not mean that you can't find someone accepting of your personality, or it doesn't mean that you can't work on yourself by understanding where it comes from, and work on the solution.<P>I know where my issues come from, and they are from my parents (like it wasn't obvious!) and my history! it is the same with everyone. . . .<P>How you want to face them, and learn from them, and forgive them and yourself, is how you heal and move forward for a healthy relationship. You are no different than anyone else here, and I am sure if you put your mind to it, you too can figure out how to suceed at what you want out of life.<P>sWIFTTy<P>

{{{{{{{{{<B>Mrs. O</B>}}}}}}}}}}}<P>don't have anything to say except i can totally relate... one step forward and two or more back... you/we will get through this... it's hard turning our eyes in and having an honest to goodness look. you have changed, you are a wonderful woman, created by God... he made you in HIS image... we do make poor choices in our behavior and that will be a life-long thing... we need to learn from them, cry about them, wipe the tears and resolve to keep on keeping on!<P>I'm with ya!<P>Cheers!<BR>nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

Ms.O,<BR>Here is a big hug all the way from Texas<P>((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) <P>When I look back on my marriage of 15 almost 16 yrs, I wonder the same thing. I question myself, "What did I do to him that was so terribly wrong to make him treat me the way he did?" I wish I could hear his side of the story. Would it make me feel any better? Would it help me change the faults I have? Would it make me a better person? All I can say is I am a hell of a lot happier now than I was for the last 7 - 10 years I was married to him.<P>Even though I work 2 jobs, I have money to spend and I am not spending every dime on bills --- I can actually breathe between paychecks!!!! I can come home late because of traffic and not be drilled where I was and why I was late. I can buy whatever I want, when I want, spend as much time at the mall or the grocery store, work till midnight in the yard if I want, and sleep as late as I want.<P>As humans we all tend to put a lot of emphasizes on faults of each other instead of focusing on the good qualities. Sometimes we have to outweigh the good and the bad. But no one deserves to be disrespected, belittled and controlled in a marriage. Marriage is for compromising, respecting each others hobbies, work, and family (whether you want to or not). I think too many people have their priorities messed up and don't know what true morals are anymore.<P>I too am getting up there 38 and thinking the same thoughts as you. I am more worried when my girls leave for college. I am so used to being not only a mother, but their best friend ---- I will truly miss their jokes and company. Keep that chin up, lots of friends here at MB that care about you.

(((((Mrs.O)))))<P>I've been reading your thread over and over since you first posted it. I want to say words that would make you feel better about yourself when you are in such pain.<P>Things that stick out in your post to me are:<P>"We've been separated 1-3/4 years"<P>"he was really honest with me"<P>"He told me stuff I already sort of knew"<P>"I called him after I got home and apologized for being that way in our marriage"<P>You've taken ownership, which will begin your healing process, although you feel like you are back at square one. I don't think you are back at square one at all, I think you are growing. I believe when a person is in such pain, that is when change happens.<P>Although when you say:<P>"He told me stuff I already sort of knew...being hard, unflexible, impatient, etc"<P>Those words aren't, to me, divorce material or an excuse for where he has chosen to run. He also has some of his own issues to own up to and running to an OW will not be the way to find his own answers.<P>Right now you are feeling pretty vulnerable, it's easy to beat ourselves up and I know personally I can do that job best to myself.<P>In age, I'm two years older than you and was, for a period of time, living scared that I would forever be alone. That was all I could think about. Until you are again ok with "Mrs.O" is, you need to continue to work on yourself and your happiness. It's not as easy as these few words portray, you hit another bump in the road, you'll get back on track! <P>Keep posting back to us. Maybe adding in some individual counciling would be good for you at this time too.<P>Your confidence has been shaken but not broken!<P>Hug and hold on to those critters of yours! As I recall you are a animal lover too! That says volumes to me! You are a good person!<P>(((((HUGS)))))<P>Take care,<P>Gayle

Thanks you all! Just to let you know, I am feeling better and do know that I've made some progress in the last two years, even if I'm not 100% totally outta the woods yet.<P>I do tend to be hard on myself, but I actually go from that extreme to being totally lazy about these issues. It's hard for me to find a middle ground where I feel good about actually working on stuff. But I'm getting there.<P>You all are right...the things I mentioned aren't really valid reasons for a divorce....but for my H, he just didn't want to have to work that hard....on my issue or on his. He does have FOO issues...BIG TIME! I do see many of the things that were "bad" in our marraige as directly relating to some of those issues. But it's still hard to sort out sometimes what was because of him, what was because of me, etc., etc.<P>I am going to be starting a new support group (went to individual counseling for 1-1/2 years) in a week or so. It's for women in transition...HA...that sure is me! It's based on "Psychology of Mind" techniques, which I really don't know what these are, but I'll be finding out. So perhaps that will be helpful. And if not, I'll start my counseling again.<P>Thanks again all for your support. It really means alot to me.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Aloha Mrs. O.<P>I can relate. Yep, the giving kind are usually the first to be accused of being too controlling but when push comes to shove guess who they call on!?!? go figure. <P>So what do you do, turn into one of them? Nah and you know it. Are you bad marriage material? I don't think so. <P>There are those who appreciate a woman of character and willing to share love and life with such a woman. You be the best you can be. The one that gives you the good clean conscience so that you can get a good nights sleep. These other guys? Well, maybe they no can sleep too good, no? Hey, I miss speaking/writin' pidgin...... You make me home sic....LOL!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>You deserve nothing less than the best. If your H can be that best guy and it's ok with you, then ok, otherwise, don't harp on yourself, instead save yourself for the good kine. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Aloha,<BR>L.

Dear Mrs.O,<BR>Well, at this late date I guess it doesn't really matter whose fault each specific argument was, now does it?<P>You can't change the past either, now can you?<P>You cannot even change your STBX's opinions of you as far as your marriage was concerned either, so why nurse and rehearse it?<P>Besides, what he says about you doesn't make you who you are? What YOU say about you does, tho...<P>To me, you're making progress because you are asking the questions and feeling something about the choices you make (attitude-wise).<P>The only thing to do with the past is to forget it. God never uses it to determine our future anyways. He can create something entirely new for you! It's never too late to change, but you will need His help...<P>God made you, He can change you so you might as well hunker down and get patient with yourself until He does. You didn't get stuck in your ways overnight and you are not going to get unstuck overnight.<P>It hurts to hear about it when people have less than favorable opinions about us, but at least you are asking yourself why! I think that is you starting to change. That's what it looks like to me from the outside looking in.<P>To change our attitude means we have to change our thinking and that is soooo easy to do. {{{{{HUGS&HOPES for a better today}}}}}