i have never been in here before, but i promised a friend i would do this. not sure just where to start. I have been married for 12 yrs this sept. and have 3 great children. but i have been so lost and alone in our marriage. some days i just dont think i can't do it anymore. over the years there has been so many times i needed my husband and reaching out to him only to have him not be there. each time this happened i closed myself off to him.protecting myself the only way i know how.i have talked to him about it and it never has made a difference. maybe i have never been there for him, no!i know i have been there for him from anything to everything.i do know that..maybe thats why it hurts so much that he hasnt been there when i needed him. its just not that he hasnt been there. he isnt the father i thought he would be. never a day goes by that there isnt yelling...never talks to the kids..doesnt do anything with them unless i ask or tell him to. or if there is someone here then he acts like the greatest father..he loves his kids i know he does.but he needs to show it. to tell them!!the really heartbreaking thing happen 2weeks ago when the baby got fussy and he just laid him down and started yelling..i have never seen anyone like that..not at a 10 month old baby..what ever feelings i thought i had left for him went cold. and i dont know if i can get them back or if i even want to. I quess thats why im here to see if anyone else has had something like this happen to them. i really dont know what to do any more.. all i know is that im so tired of feeling this way. i just want my kids to be happy and just once i want to too. <P>------------------<BR>

JLK19,<BR>Hard for many, you are a strong woman to stay with it so long. I am at a different stage in my marriage. Just getting ready to divorce. Don't want to, but it is inevitable. Hope others can help. Take care and know we are all here to help. There are others who are in similar situations as you.<BR>Ken

I suggest counseling. I know without any doubt in my mind that there are two sides to every story. However, it seems that what ever is going on in your case is not working it self out. Sometimes the boldest move we can make is to acknowledge that we need some outside help.

Wow. Sounds like your H has a problem.<P>How/what have you talked to your H about how you are feeling? Did you just say I'm not happy? Did you get into depth about how much you are hurting? This is what you need to do. Tell him how bad you are feeling.<P>Whatever you do, DO NOT confide your marital problems with someone of the opposite sex. It is FAR too easy to get tangled up in something which will destroy everything you have & everything you are. Even if you have someone who is "just a friend and I could never do something like that". You could never understand the heartache it causes for everyone involved. Get a female friend to discuss it with. Counseling is a very good option which you should consider.<P>These forums are an excellent place for people in your situtation. Please come back.<P>Here are a few good books which may help.<BR> What If I Married the Wrong Person? - <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1556616643/qid%3D931598119/002-7146649-1415007" TARGET=_blank>www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1556616643/qid%3D931598119/002-7146649-1415007</A> <BR>How to Tear Down Emotional Walls and Communicate With Your Husband - <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785275517/qid%3D931598165/002-7146649-1415007" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785275517/qid%3D931598165/002-7146649-1415007</A> <P>Check out my website below for more links to websites, books & info on relationships.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited July 16, 1999).]

JLK19,<BR>Besides getting counselling, you might look into getting Dr. Harley's books and Gary Smalley's book "Making Love Last Forever". You may be missing something about your relationship that no one has told you how to deal with the problem. I know that was the case for me. I had to learn the way a woman communicates and what she is looking for when she wants to talk. My W has told me that I don't spend enough time with our boys. She is right on that part. I haven't but it was because I was juggling all the other things going on in our lives: her affairs caused by my inability to know exactly where she was coming from or what she needed out of our relationship, my response to what I understood was the problem between us. I could go on but the list is long. It all boils down to miscommunication by both of us. On her part is was an incorrect assumption that I could read her mind. This caused me to read many books and listen to lots of talk shows to get answers. This angered her even more. I was suppposed to know automatically what she was feeling.<P>Getting a counsellor involved may get your H to see that there is a real problem. I noticed the problems between my W and myself when I realized that I needed to reprioritize all the things I needed to do. She has never been on the back burner even though she thinks she has. This was due to her not wanting to discuss what was most important thing to be completed. I was told that I was not a team player two nights ago. I want to be that but she doesn't want me to try. I refuse to give up because I know that our marriage was blessed by God.<P>I will keep you in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

I don't know what extent the yelling is at, but I am concerned for your kids, as well as you. I grew up in a home where my father loved me, but the verbal abuse was terrible. It still makes me angry and upset at him to this day. And, yelling at a 10 month old? I have one too (a 10 month old), and she is very frustrating at times, but I could never imagine yelling at her. She doesn't have a clue what she is doing.<P>Are you willing to do counseling? Is H? I think that would be the best thing for you guys to do right away. Have you read any of Harley's books? They have helped my H alot.<P>Keep posting here whenever you feel you need support and I agree to try and keep your distance from male friends while your marriage is having problems.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P>

JLK19, <P>Wow does this hit home with me. You sound exactly like my wife 8 months ago. The only difference being she has always thought I was a great father. As for the other stuff you said you feel - EXACTLY the same and MORE! My wife took the wrong path to try and find happiness in another man's arms. Destroyed me and her and probably the other guy and his wife. I often look back and wonder what signs did my wife give me and did I ignore them. I can second guess myself until I die but, I now fully understand my part in what happened to our marriage. Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? It's a great place to start in trying to rebuild. <P>I wish my wife would have said "I feel like I don't love you anymore and we are growing further a part each day. I don't like feeling this way I have many needs that aren't being met and I'm sure you do too. What can we do to become closer together?" She didn't of course, but I wish she would have - that would have hit home with me. The path she did take has ripped us both a part, but we are recovering. <P>Now is the time to have a heart to heart with your husband. He may be feeling what you are feeling and someone needs to break the ice.<P>What do you think/<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR>

thank you everyone for your input..but why do i get the feeling some of you think i am looking to have an affair? that is the last thing i need at this time or even want or that i could even do!!i know to many friends who have been hurt by their spouses doing that..all i want is for my kids to be safe and happy..i have tried to talk to H about how i feel..and he just says sorry but yet it happens again...one example..our first born was 2 yrs old and we had to take him to a specialist because he wasnt walking or running right..he had to have lots of tests.. they did an MRI on his brain.. checked for tumors..checking everything..when he had the MRI he had to be sedated and we were allowed to be in there with him while the test was being done.. i was barely keeping it together..but we were both going to go in and sit with him..at the last minite H decides that he doesnt need to be in there if i was going to be..and he left to wait in the waiting room... i told myself thats ok he is just having trouble dealing with this too..even though everytime i talked to him about the up comming test he just said that i was being silly that nothing was wrong with our son..i sat in that room and watched my child be put in this machine..for almost 2 hours..i sat there..and he was so heavily sedated that he didnt move at all..i lost it half way through the tests and a nurse came in to be with me.. a nurse! not my husband..when the test was done we had to try and wake my son up..but he was so sedated that we couldnt get him awake..Hubby decides that he needs to go eat and left to go to the lunch room..how could he do that..how could he even think about food..leaving his son and me there..after i got him awake..i had to carry him down to the lunch room to find H and there he sits talking to someone!!i talked to him about it the next day..asked him why..he said there was nothing for him to do..that was his explaintion..i just dont get it..and there have been so many more times...so am i just overeacting..is this all my fault..what did i do or didnt do?<BR>and this happened 7 yrs ago..and so much more has happened since then..to much pain for me handle anymore...i can give more examples if needed..but not right now..im just to tired..thank you all for listening to me.<P>------------------<BR>JLK19

JLK--<P>Bingo...he told you what the problem was (or one of them)..."nothing for him to DO."<P>Men are very fix-it oriented. They respond to tasks, and want to know what the outcome will be. I think your husband might be a prime candidate for counseling, with you. He needs to understand that he IS doing something, by offering you emotional support...and the outcome is, a happy wife, happy children! It's all a matter of how he perceives it once he understands the benefits. <P>As you describe the hospital scene, it's obvious he felt uncomfortable in the surroundings; most men would. They can't DO anything. It's all a waiting game and to a man, there doesn't seem to be a need for them to hang around. After all, the woman is much more equipped, emotionally, to hover and show caring without a known result. If he'd only understood how important it was to YOU for him to be there, I bet he would have stayed. So how to get him to understand is the key.<P>Read all you can. There ARE ways you can present things to lesson the tension between you. Try counseling, if he is willing. Go to counseling yourself if he won't! And keep posting here; this is a wonderful site filled with people who have been right where you are and can help.<P>As for the yelling--this is stress/frustration induced. Sounds like he needs anger management control. My hubby fell victim to this also...yelling/cursing tirades. I've usually backed him into a wall when it happens, and he "comes out fighting." He perceives it that I started the fight and responds defensively. When a man (or woman) can't control their anger level and takes it out on others, the closer you are to them, as in family, the more it hurts. A stranger can walk away, thinking whew, I don't have to listen to this! A family can't. At all costs, do protect those children from his anger, and try your best to get him to seek help.<P>Wish I could think of something to help! Again, keep posting. We understand your anguish. :-)<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

JLK19,<P>It’s not that we think you are looking to have an affair. It’s just that in the emotional state you are in right now (from reading your post), it’s FAR TOO EASY to get attached to someone else who would be caring & sympathizing with you. As long as you are aware it could happen, then it is less likely to happen.<P>Sounds like your H is wanting everything to be okay & it’s not. He doesn’t know what to do or how to do it, so he pretends it’s just okay. The deal with your son & the MRI. It’s gotta be totally nerve wrecking to see your son like that. He’s the Dad. He is supposed to be the one to save the world & he’s absloutely powerless to do anything himself. It’s easier to ignore the problem than face that fact.<P>Have you been in counseling at all? Definitely something you should consider.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

no we havent been to counseling..and i guess i cant see how that would really help at this point. i have done alot of reading about this..the emotions and all about how to bring the 2 back together and closer..i just dont know if i want to go through that and then to have things go back to the way they are now..<BR> i do understand that it was hard for him in the hospital..it was a hard time for everyone..and i tried to get him to talk about it..he has never been one to talk..no matter how hard i have tried to get him to talk to me..i know that it takes 2 in a marriage to keep it going and 2 to end it..i know i have my faults..as well. <BR> i have always wanted to go out with just him and spend time with him..but he always wants to go out with others, never just the 2 of us..i have tried everything i can think of and read about in the past to try ad get us closer together..but after trying time and time again only to be ignored..it makes it hard to see any future with him..i just want to tell him "hello remember me"!! ask him if he EVER even thinks about me!its as if he thinks ok shes my wife... im married her gave her 3 kids what more does she want..well guess what i want alot more..then just someone who comes home..<BR> maybe we should have never gotten married..sometimes i look back and remember that it just seemed like the next step to take..date for a couple of years and then get married..just do what everyone else was doing..my family told me not to marry him..to wait.. he once said the reason i married him was to get out of the house.. i dont know maybe it was the reason..i didnt want to go to college at that time so why not get married?! <BR> I try not to look back at all the bad times..try and remember the good times..but i cant any more..i dont want to feel this way.. how can i be open to a man who wont be open with me?<P>------------------<BR>JLK19

when was the last time you & H had time together, without the kids? I have 2 children 7 - 9. They have been by my side or the wifes side or both everyday since they've been born. She was home with them both until the youngest turned 2 and a few years later I went back to school fulltime, and assumed the "mr.mom" role now at 3 years. In the last week of June, the kids left for grandmother and grandfather's house in Texas for the summer. This is the first break we've had without the kids - for the whole summer! The grandparents suggested having them for the summer, because they knew what we've been going through (almost a divorce). <BR>I'll tell ya what! I told the grandparents they get to have the kids EVERY summer! We all laughed, but they know what I mean. They apologized for not being able to have the kids sooner, and wouldn't let that happen again. (they've been out of the country for about 10 years). My wife and I have rekindled our marriage of almost 10 years (Nov) to a point I thought I'd never see again!<BR>When things between her & I weren't going well, I know the kids felt it and got yelled at not for their misbehavior, but out of frustration between her & I. We miss them dearly & can't wait to have them back home, and until then, we'll enjoy peaceful road trips, dinners out and just some quiet time at home - together. We went to yosemite for a few days and did the tourist thing. We go camping every year at least once and had MANY great times with the kids, but the last trip with just her &me, was the most pleasurable one! We had alot of fun and got back in touch with US. I hope this is of SOME help! =) good luck<BR>chance

Chance...thank you for your reply! yes i have tried spending time alone with him. my parents live close by and i used to have them watch the kids on weekends {i have a 9yr,5yr,and 11mo} i would plan romantic weekends..fix his favorite meal..bubble bath ect..but he was always wanting to go out with friends..rushing through the evening..so i stopped trying..<P>------------------<BR>JLK19