Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.<BR>Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.<P>"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."<P>His mom tells him to slow down, so that she can understand the story.<P>So Johnny tells her; "I was at the playground and saw daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane in it. I went to look and daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."<P>At this point, his mom cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."<P>At the dinner table that evening, mom asks Johnny to tell his story. He speaks about the car going into the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when daddy was in the army."<BR>

Too funny!!!!!!!! <BR>Here is my joke:<P> A little boy walks into his parents bed room to find his mother on top of his father riding him. The mother sees her little son and gets off her husband as her son leaves the bedroom.<BR> The mother concerned about what her son had seen, gets dressed and finds her son in his bedroom. The son asked his mother what she was doing to daddy. The mother replies, "Do you know that daddy has a big tummy?"<BR>The boy says, "Yes, he does have a big tummy."<BR> Mother then says, "Well I have to get on Daddy's tummy and flatten it,so it doesn't stick out that much."<BR> The boy says not to do it anymore because it will not work. The mother is confused at her son and asks how come? The boy says to his mother, "Because when you go out shopping, the lady across the street gets on her knees and blows daddy's stomach back up!"

Now elliot45 that was funny......<P>What To Wear<P>A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you're a pauper," the accountant replied.<BR>Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."<P>Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck,’ her mother said. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’"<P>Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"<P>"Simple," replied the priest. "It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get screwed anyway."<BR>

Here goes again:<BR>>><BR>>> An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the<BR>>> "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful<BR>>> rivers! "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.<BR>>> As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes<BR>>> behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards<BR>him.<BR>>> He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and<BR>>saw<BR>>> that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that<BR>>> tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the<BR>><BR>>> bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to<BR>>run<BR>>> even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.<BR>>> He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,<BR>>> reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike<BR>>> him.At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!....." Time<BR>>> stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river<BR>>> stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came<BR>>> out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, you teach<BR>>> others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do<BR>>> you expect me to help you out of his predicament? Am I to count you as<BR>>> a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be<BR>>> hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now,<BR>>> but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said<BR>>> the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the<BR>>sounds<BR>>> of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw .....<BR>>> brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,<BR>>> for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. <BR>He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.<P>"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.<P>"That's cool," says Bobby.<P>Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."<P>Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"<P>Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately<BR>revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.<P>About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"<BR>

> BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE<BR>> <BR>> Joe is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled wit her for that one). Anyway, anytime you<BR>> think you have had a bad day at the office remember this.<P>> April 1998, <BR>> Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of **** sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my [censored] started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my [censored] started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jelly fish couldn't get stuck to my back. My [censored] crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my [censored]. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 min. before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my [censored]" when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my [censored] hole was swollen shut. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your [censored]. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

INVESTMENT ADVICE FOR THE CURRENT ECONOMY: <P>If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. <P>If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79. <P>My advice: Drinking beer and recycle!<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

>>> > > An Irish Golfer And A Leprechaun"<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and<BR>>>> > > gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks<BR>>>> > > one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on<BR>>>> > > the side of the fairway.<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > He goes looking for his ball and comes across<BR>>>> > > this little guy with this huge knot on his head and<BR>>>> > > the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness,"<BR>>>> > > says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor<BR>>>> > > little guy.<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you<BR>>>> > > caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun.<BR>>>> > > I will grant you three wishes."<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > The man says "I can't take anything from you,<BR>>>> > > I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and<BR>>>> > > walks away.<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says,<BR>>>> > > "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did<BR>>>> > > catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll<BR>>>> > > give him the three things that I would want. I'll<BR>>>> > > give him unlimited money, a great golf game,<BR>>>> > > and a great sex life."<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes<BR>>>> > > like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the<BR>>>> > > same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits<BR>>>> > > one into the same woods and goes off looking for<BR>>>> > > his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same<BR>>>> > > little guy and asks how he is doing.<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask<BR>>>> > > how your golf game is?"<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every<BR>>>> > > time."<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And<BR>>>> > > might I ask how your money is holding out?"<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put<BR>>>> > > my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar<BR>>>> > > bill" he replied.<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you.<BR>>>> > > And might I ask how your sex life is?"<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,<BR>>>> > > "Well, maybe once or twice a week."<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Once or<BR>>>> > > twice a week?!?"<BR>>>> > ><BR>>>> > > The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says,<BR>>>> > > "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest<BR>>>> > > in a small parish."<BR>