I can't believe that I'm actually posting but I need advice. I found out on 9/10 the day before the WTC attachs that my husband of 14 years has just started being fathful to me. He has had a total of 3 affairs spaning our marriage & 3 of our 5 children. All 4 were planned pregnancies the 5th was an oops!I was devastated but held it inside because the world was suffering a greater loss. I consider our marriage to be a good one. We are always together on his free time. We never fight. Our sex life went downhill since the children. I had a total of 7 pregnancies & suffered 2 great losses in the span of our marrage. He never came to me to tell me that he wasn't happy about our sex life but he claims that he has dropped hints before. I on the other hand was as happy as could be. I feel like the happy idiot. Anyway now that I know, I don't feel the same about us anymore. I don't know if I will ever recover from this. I was a proffesional that put my life on hold for him & the children. I have a nursing infant now. All 5 kids are fairly young. Please point me to the road to recovery.

Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Bula,<P>Just wanted to say welcome and that you came to the right place. You will find a lot of support here.<P>He had three affairs? Why, then do you consider that you had a good marriage? My H had 5, but three of them I never knew about, is this the same with you? You maybe didn't know about the others?<P>Well, your H is a typical WS in that they lie and live in their own little wrolds, and try to rewrite history so it suits themselves and gives them justification for their affairs. My own experience is like that.<P>Read all you can here, and try to adopt the principles. We are here to help.<P>Nina

Bula,<BR>Welcome ... be prepare of road ahead, it won't be easy but you will have great support in this site.<P><P>------------------<BR>Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.

<P><BR>Hi bula <P>Welcome. <P>The quick answer is that yes you can survive this and still have a good marriage.<P>I have a question for you. How did all of this come to light? A fight, a guilty confession.....just wondering.<P>Dont be afraid to post questions here. This place is packed with smart and caring people......Im available here, but mostly for comic relief. We all need a smile every once in a while. <P>Welcome again, and I wish you the best.<P>Take very good care of yourself.<P>Randy<p>[This message has been edited by Randy0220 (edited October 04, 2001).]

Nina, I thought that I had a good marrage. I just reciently found out about the affairs. He is a good lier, What does a person do? I have 5 children & I am totally dependent on him. I hate that. He claims that he only wants me & wants to sleep with only me. I know that to be true, however time is running out. In that I mean that he has a great need for sex & I feel that I can't do that after what he has done. He claims that it is a great need of his that was never met.I went to a theripest last week. It felt great being with her for an hr. but as soon as I stepped foot back in my door it all fell apart. The kids were wild. He was at work, as usual. I am in need of help! Things are going horrible today. He wants out of the marrage if I cannot meat his needs. I don't know how I can do that now. Every time that we are together I think of him & her. I feel like I need to see this woman in order to heal. He has my self esteem smeered all over the ground. Any words would help!TIA! <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><STRONG>Bula,<P>Just wanted to say welcome and that you came to the right place. You will find a lot of support here.<P>He had three affairs? Why, then do you consider that you had a good marriage? My H had 5, but three of them I never knew about, is this the same with you? You maybe didn't know about the others?<P>Well, your H is a typical WS in that they lie and live in their own little wrolds, and try to rewrite history so it suits themselves and gives them justification for their affairs. My own experience is like that.<P>Read all you can here, and try to adopt the principles. We are here to help.<P>Nina</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Randy, please tell me how I can get over this & still have a good marriage? This came to light because I suspected something for a while now but he kept making me think that it was all in my head. Now that I know, I don't know how to go on. Sex with him now will always have her face attached to it. I picture her as a living barbie. I need to see her to have something to live up to but I know that that will never happen. I have since been to theripy & it felt great. I feel like I need somebody to talk to more than 1x per week. Please tell me how anything good can come of this! <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Randy0220:<BR><STRONG><P><BR>Hi bula <IMG SRC="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif"><P>Welcome. <P>The quick answer is that yes you can survive this and still have a good marriage.<P>I have a question for you. How did all of this come to light? A fight, a guilty confession.....just wondering.<P>Dont be afraid to post questions here. This place is packed with smart and caring people......Im available here, but mostly for comic relief. We all need a smile every once in a while. <IMG SRC="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif"><P>Welcome again, and I wish you the best.<P>Take very good care of yourself.<P>Randy<P>[This message has been edited by Randy0220 (edited October 04, 2001).]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>[ October 13, 2001: Message edited by: bula ]

Thank you all for the warm welcome! I hope that I am using this forem correctly! Please, somebody let me know if I am posting incorrectly.I find it hard to find time to write replys or read posts. I always have a child looking for me. I am having a very hard time excepting these affairs. Sex got us into this mess. The lack of it. Now sex is going to be a big issue. I do not think that I can sleep with him anymore. He already informed me that he cannot go long without it. I wish I could do a Bobit on him.I am truely angree at the fact that sex was such a strong need of his. A need that I wasn't aware of. He claims that I have been in denial. I am not a mind reader. I need somebody to sit me down & say,we have a problem. At that time I could have tried to fix it but being that he didn't discuss it with me first & took it apon himself to fill his need with others, sickens me. He claims that his sex drive was strong when we met but 14 yrs. of marrage & 5 kids later, not to mention the fact that we have been in seperate rooms due to children sleeping with me to nurse ect...will put a hugh damper on us. He should have put his foot down instead of agreeing with me & maybe we wouldn't be in this mess now.

Hello, Bula:<P>First of all, you are posting just fine.<BR>Second, you are correct, in my eyes, that he should have sat you down and made plain his needs and dis-satisfaction.<BR>I do not have children, so I am not qualified to comment on them except to say that five young children must be more exhausting than I am able to imagine. My married friends with one child never sleep.<BR>He had the affairs,not you, therefor, in my opinion, he has no business demanding sex from you [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] !!! If he loves you, and if he is a man, he will do what is necessary to reapir your marriage.<BR>Ultimatums from him about sex, especially after his behavior are a load of CR@P!!!!!!!<BR>My wife has left me. It is the most painful thing I have ever gone through, but it has grown me up real fast in ways I could not have been aware of before hand. Your H needs to grow up, and grow up now. He is a husband and a father, two things I will not be with my wife.<BR>I am sorry if I sounded harsh, but your story touched me and I wanted you to know that there are men here who agree with you.

Bula,<BR>You are in the right forum more over this forum is beliving on MB. Get your self educated with EN, LB, Plan A/Plan B ... you want your conselor practicing MB too. Once you understand by reading the basic concept or by getting the book His/her need & SAA, you will see that your H is in the fog. H blame it on you etc etc and demand selfish thing. My W still go out every night to OM and blame it on me !!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] However for your sex, it is hard but which one is harder either you fill in with him and learn how to enjoy it or OW will fill it for you ?. I never have to make that choice since my W will not "betray" OM !!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] It is hard but it is part of plan A. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] keep reading keep getting educated keep posting. I know how you feel get some one trusted to talk to or reply to our personal email, we are all here to help each other. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Hadi