My wedding night was supposed to be the most memorable right???? Well it was alright..... my new husband and I decided to drive to Niagra Falls after getting married....not only did it rain on my wedding day (but who can help that) but it rained the whole way up there.....he got sick and I spent my whole honeymoon in a miserable mood and never even consummated our marriage until 2 weeks after.....<P>The sex in our marriage has never been good and finally after bursting into tears after a horrible time of trying to get him erect.... he tells me that he has no sex drive..... We have been married nearly 3 years now and we still have the same box of condoms someone gave us on our wedding night. Needless to say I am miserable, I have feelings of unworthiness, that I such a disgusting person that my husband won't even touch me and now lately when he leaves for work, he doesn't even kiss me anymore. I have been so STARVED for affection and being touched that I nearly had an affair with an acquaintance of ours who merely said " you are pretty, are you still married?".... He was just joking about the married part, because he knows, but the pure need of feeling attractive to this man has been absolute joy.<P>I have asked my husband, nagged him, pleaded with him to go to a doctor for about a year and a half now......he still hasn't gone. I feel that he must have total disregard for my feelings by not going. It hurts very much!!!!!!! We have not had sex in nearly 2 years and I can't even bear to sleep with him in the same room because it hurts me to have him beside me and not even reach out to hold me.....<P><BR>Help!!!!!<P>

okay, this will be no help at all...but do you have a friend or know a friend of a friend who could slip some viagra to you? then you slip it into his next meal, drink, whatever!. I'm being lighthearted here sorry but...maybe it could help.<P>ruby

Candi.....<P> Alot of people won't agree with me but I say if he does not want you sexually. Go for finding needs meant another way. If he won't even go to the doctors knowing you need this from him then he seems to me he does not care. We as women need those affections. I am like you alot. But I don't find myself physically attracted to my spouse. We have sex but not to often. And for me to enjoy it with him I have to get myself going first if you know what I mean. Thats not much fun to have to do either. But its the only way I get through it. I miss the cuddling pampering,spontaneous but hes never been like that. So I gave up and mostly go without and I miss it more then you can know. I do have other ways I get relieved. Maybe this will help you for now also. Yes women masturbate to. Like I said we all have needs just like anybody else. If it takes you getting your needs meant by someone that thinks your attractive well then hey. Maybe you should tell your hubby if you cannot do this for me may I find it elsewhere. At least might scare him enough to go to the Dr finally. OR maybe he will just tell you go for it. If thats the case dear then do it. I know alot of people won't agree with me. But we only live once and I know from experience not being happy is the worse feeling in the world. Keep us informed.

Wow, Candi....I sympathize entirely. Was right where you are in my first marriage. Viagra wasn't an option then. After 16 yrs I couldn't take it any more. I used the approach Wonder suggests as an option--told H if we couldn't work on the problem together I would go elsewhere. No improvement. I DID go elsewhere...but the hazard there is ending up staying elsewhere; it creates a rift whether it's with their approval or not. Plus, finding someone who meets your emotional and physical needs when you've felt so love-starved makes it impossible to work on your marriage.<P>Way I see it (my humble opinion), you need to decide exactly what it is you want, try as hard as you can to obtain that with your hubby...your very BEST shot...and if that doesn't work, decide if you want out. He's already admitted a low sex drive. As Wonder mentioned, yes, there are ways to help "jump-start" the problem. You may be able to try different things working toward arousal, be that masturbation (let him watch?), turning him on through visuals or touch, something new and different?--props, tapes, oils, talking fantasies out loud, whatever you're willing to try. Tell him what excites you and ask him what is exciting for him.<P>If that doesn't work, when you're ready, talk to him. A serious conversation but non-argumentative. Tell him how you feel AND ask him how you can help in order to achieve goals for both of you. If you're to the point where you seriously consider divorce (and by the way, I applaud you NOT having an affair, at least at this point), tell him he has some time to consider your feelings but that there WILL be a point where you can no longer tolerate the lack of intimacy. If you're sure about your plans, being able to walk away from the marriage without intimacy, give him a specific date. If you're not, leave it openended, non-specific--nothing's worse than "threatening and not following-through;" he will not believe you if you try this again. <P>I worry that your marriage has never included the intimacy you need, from day one. This is a tough road to travel as you well know! But it doesn't necessarily mean it's impossible.<P>Counseling, counseling, counseling. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But there are so many reasons this problem began and a trained counseler will be able to help you identify these and show you ways to work through them.<P>Was he abused, sexually or otherwise, during childhood?<P>Has he been hurt by someone else in the past, possibly so much it's created a fear of intimacy? A lack of trust in others? "Baggage" he has been unable to put to rest?<P>Might it be a physical problem? Too much stress at work, home or elsewhere?<P>Maybe you can introduce him to this web site. It contains so much valuable information he may be able to see hope from reading through it also. <P>Keep posting here. It helps so much to know that others are listening and able to offer a shoulder, advice, or humor to get us through bad times.<P>I'll be thinking about you. :-)<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Thanks guys(ladies) for responding......the bit about Viagra I don't think would work, at least not for me.....because I would know that it is the medication giving him the erection and NOT truly wanting to have the sexual intimacy....I know that sounds weird...first, she wants sex, then she wants heart-felt sex...I know, I know.....I'm asking toooooooo much. <P>I don't want a divorce, I don't want a lover.....I want Total and Absolute love, physically and emotionally. I am so afraid that I have become obsessed with having sex that I don't even like to watch the Cleveland Indians play, because of all the male anatomy on the ball field Sorry, a little humor there......I LOVE THE INDIANS.... and you got to admit there are some cute buns on that ball team. <P>On a darker side....my husband left again without telling me goodbye when going to work. I haven't had an open mouth kiss in about 2 years and when I do get one, it barely catches my face. I can barely disguise my feelings anymore.....nor have I been trying recently.....at this point.... I WANT him to know that I am not happy...but I am afraid that he has just stopped caring.<P>I am at a loss here.<P>

Arrange for him to see a medical doctor to get a physical to make sure that he does not have a hormonal imbalance, diabetes or other disease.If he is healthy arrange for him to see a psychiatrist to delve into his mind to determine if there are psychological reasons (sexual abuse, homosexuality) for his aversion to sex with you. Do not allow him to not address this problem. You are entitled to a normal sex life with your husband. Best wishes

Do men (generaly) openly admit that they can't get it up? If the manhood is having trouble, I'd HATE to go talk to someone about it. I'd try to find a solution and QUICK!<BR>You need to address this issue and find the root of the problem before anything else happens. There are plenty of toys to get you by (for awhile) and not risk an affair! Ultimatums can end up being words you eat. Get divorced before it gets to the point of an affair! Just the word DIVORCE will wake anyone up! Get him to open up and talk!<BR>good luck<BR>chance

CandiCane - <BR>I have a very similar problem as you - except that my husband doesn't have a hard time getting an erection - he just doesn't like to have sex period! Same as you, after the honeymoon night it was 3 weeks before we had sex again - then 2 months after that. Now, after 7 years, we are about every 3 months or so. And it takes all of 10 minutes - he wants it done and over. He is not very affectionate (like you the open mouth kiss was when we were dating) and NOT since. In public, we hold hands. He will hug me. He gives me that peck on the cheek when he leaves for work - thats the total intimacy level. I have tried everything with him only to be turned away millions of times till I stopped trying. I can only take rejection so many times. I have the same figure (after 3 kids) no weight gain, look the same as I did - physically, I haven't changed. Thats no reason. I have tried to talk to him about it though he is not much of a communicator at all and holds things inside, so I get no answers. I have recommended counseling for both of us - never blaming - and he is too high and mighty for counseling. He is an ex-marine - secret service, mafia drugbusting and I know they train these guys to be coldhearted and have no feelings. Guess I didnt know that upfront. He lets our 3 year old sleep between us every nite (probably to avoid me arousing him) and will literally outwait me on sleep so he has no reason or excuse - he can say I fell asleep. If I try to touch him sensually in places during the day - he backs off and acts as if nothing happened or flinches as if he cant take the touch. He claims he loves me and the kids very much and wants the marriage to work - but he is not going to a counselor (he says they know nothing)he has problems with his family (he runs his mouth so his brothers dont bother with him) - he doesn't like our neighbors - they all have faults - we have NO couple friends we go out with - he can find something wrong with all of them. I do not know what his problem is and can't figure it out AT ALL - unless hes depressed or has some problem that I'll never figure out because he will NOT agree to doctors, counselors or any kind of help. I just continue to work and work at the marriage and do without sex, intimacy and hope for the good moods. I can understand your feelings. I've put so much effort into this marriage because I know what divorce does and would do to our kids.