This was the first weekend of official visitation for my H. He picked kids up Friday afternoon and brought them back Sunday loaded down with junk galore. It appears that he spent over $200 on them in one weekend. Talk about trying to buy their love.<P>If you've followed my story you know that H is living with OW(since May) and that I was furious the last time the kids spent the night there because OW cooked for them, went fishing with them, etc.... I expressed my displeasure with my H and tried to explain why it was not appropriate for him to "play family" with OW, her kid and our kids. He hadn't even explained to the kids that we were not getting back together. He simply never thinks about how anything effects anyone else but himself.<P>Anyway, this weekend the kids come back saying that "they" including OW and her 5 year old, went to ChuckECheese, Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, out to eat, to buy Halloween costumes, etc.<P>My H also gave OW some money to buy my kids a bunch of junk halloween stuff ( pens, puppets, pencils, stickers, night lights, flashlights, etc) and she made them up nice little pumpkin surprises. (YES, I AM PUKING NOW)<P>Our kids still do not know we are getting divorced. I am so furious at H and OW. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking it's ok to be married but have another family on the side. What kind of example is that? Also buying them stuff they don't need is really getting out of hand. They have too much already and while I understand that he wants to make them happy, he is doing a terrible thing by trying to buy thier love.<P>Right now, I don't want to let my kids ever go back over there again. I want them to see their Dad but I'm thinking about limiting visitation to his parents house until he can prove he cares about their emotional well-being. I hate him so much right now. I am so disappointed in him. <P>Now to get to the story I originally intended to tell...<P>He comes by and takes kids to school each AM. He gets there at 7:13 every day. The last time he was late was the day he got caught by the PI making out with OW in a parking lot down the road from my house.<P>This AM, he is late. At 7:40 I leave to take kids to school myself. No big deal about the kids but I was shocked that instead of my 1st thought being that he got stuck at work or that he had an accident, I immediately invisioned him making out roadside with OW.<P>While sitting in line at school, he calls and says he was held up at work with an unscheduled salary evaluation. Even though I beleive him, it was like a bell went off in my head...<P>IT IS NOT NORMAL TO HAVE YOUR FIRST THOUGHT BE ABOUT H BEING WITH OW WHEN HIS LATE!!!!!<P>It was like a light was switched on and all the pain and anger I have been holding in came flooding out. I have been blocking the idea of him and her out of my mind so that "when" he came back to me, I could forgive him easier.<P>I am so sick with myself for protecting him. He left me, he refuses to work on marriage, he moved in with a woman roomate, he allowed sexual relationship to start between them, he thinks nothing of having our children pretend to be one big happy family with her. WHY HAVE I BEEN DENYING ALL THIS???????<P>Well, love buster or not ( sorry MB but at this point, I'm way past building and ready to dissolve my marriage), I told him exactly what I thought this morning.<P>I told him he could take her to the "family" day thing this weekend at his work because if I wasn't good enough to take out for pizza, I certainly didn't need to be paraded around his plant like his wife. <P>I pretty much yelled at him and cried for over 30 minutes. He really needed to hear those things. I told him how disrespectful he was to me. It was one thing to ignore my feelings as his wife, but when he started treating me bad as a person and as the mother of his children, he had crossed a line that he couldn't take back.<P>I told him how I still loved him but that I hated the man he had become. I told him I wanted out of this marriage as fast as possible because I couldn't go on like this anymore. <P>I have reached the point of no return. I will not and cannot allow myself to be walked all over anymore. I can't believe I protected him for 9 months already without telling him to GO TO H$LL. Well, he got told today. <P>LB or not, some things just need to be said. <P>Re-reading this, I know I sound like a jealous mom who can't stand idea of OW around her kids. Well, that may be true but I had come to accept the fact that the kids would be in her house when they visited their Dad. I know once we are divorced he can do whatever he wants. Well, we aren't even legally separated. He was too lazy to go to lawyer to pick up the papers Friday. <P>I want to handle this in a way that causes the least possible emotional stress on the kids. They are 5 and 10. They don't see their Dad and I fight. In fact, we get along great(except this AM). They have not been told about the divorce. I did explain to them that it was ok that they visited their Dad. I explained that they would have two places now. One with me and one at their Dad's every other weekend. <P>I know this was just the first weekend and I'm sure it will be the hardest. However, it is not right for my H and OW to do what they did. I'm glad the kids are too young to really see everything that is going on. They were too busy getting junk and toys that they didn't need to notice.....<P>I just don't know what to do. I called my Counselor for an emg session if possible. I do feel a little better since I told my H off but I know it doesn't do any good in the long run. <P>I'm coming to grips with him not loving me but why is he doing this with the kids? Can someone be that selfish????<P>Where is the man I loved???? I hate those damned aliens!!!!!<P>Lynn

Lynn,<P>I feel terrible for you. I wish this wasn't happening to you....<BR>That said, I think it's time for you to STOP being your husband's mommy (we protect our toddler, our high schooler....not our husband; from life's little consequences) and get on with you and your kid's lives. He is treating you and your kids like S**T. And the idea that a 10 year old doesn't know what's going on?!? No way....the 10 year old definitely knows what's going on...and I'd be willing to bet your 10 yr old is filling in your 5 yr old as best they can. YOU need to sit down with them and give them the facts so that they get to deal with what they deserve - the truth. Daddy wants a girlfriend. Mommy doesn't want Daddy to have a girlfriend. Daddy doesn't love mommy.....etc. LET HIM DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS BEHAVIOR....NOT YOU!!!!<BR>If you want a divorce, get one. Don't wait for him. If you don't want a divorce then do a Plan B and see if that gets you anywhere. AND make sure he ONLY sees you at your ABSOLUTE BEST. Remember - he's with her now...living with her....which means she doesn't get to be 'the fantasy' anymore.....maybe you can. <BR>GOOD LUCK - remember self preservation is key.<BR>LLL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This was the first weekend of official visitation for my H.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Does this mean you are officially=legally separated? If so, go to your lawyer and get a court order that he cannot have the kids around ow until the divorce is final. This is based on what is best for the kids, not necessarily that you think it is bad.

Hi Lynn,<P><<<hugs>>>> you are certainly going through a lot. Here this thread may help:<P><A HREF="http://null" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html null</A><P>It is about the 5 stages of grieving. It really helped me as the BS understand that we go through grieving stages also and that there is hope. We are not crazy. <P>Take care, <BR>L.<p>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]

Yeah Lynn,<BR>You need his help, but it doesn't sound like he's really helping your kids AT ALL!<P>It sounds like you have to get in gear to be supermom for a while until he gets his act together. He's showing what his priorities are in living color. I know it doesn't help much, but I'm sorry for what you are going through.<P>This experience is definitely toughening you up, that's for sure! That's a plus, right? I'm sure it (being tough) will make you a better mom with two boys to raise.