Update:<P>Things swing back and forth. Yesterday she tells me that she doesn't want to move "home" - or to live with me anywhere - she was willing to give notice on her appt just so she could find a cheaper one.<P>Today, I asked her what was she thinking? And she said she couldn't make up her mind - between me with the ability to earn money and him who is fun. I more-or-less told her that I would make up MY mind - and it was clear that D was the only way. She now claims that she was always in love with him - even before we married and there is some evidence of that. I looked back at phone records and she was calling him a month before our wedding (a lot!) and a month after. So, I finally got it through my head that she never wanted me, and never will. So, what does she do? <P>Well, I had the baby here while she was at class tonight. When she got back from class tonight, she was nursing the baby here and I said I was going to the gym with her nephew and would be back. I was surprised that she was still here when I got back. I think she was waiting for me - but it seems like she's still thinking... <P>She knew I applied for a job in Hawaii (to get very far away) and she was here on my computer looking at universities there to see if she could finish her degree. Weird. I mean, she just this evening said she didn't want to live with me - never loved me and never would.<P>I'm not getting too excited either way. I find that I don't much care anymore. She's not the person I thought she was - nor is she ever likely to be that person. I was miserable living with her - and if she decides to come back, probably will be miserable again. So why fight it? For the baby? For a chance to maybe make it work? Yeah, I guess that's it. But with OM around, is it possible? Only if one of them decides to call it quits.<P>BTW. I think they have only "been together" once - and she is ashamed of it - but she thinks she loves him - even though he doesn't really have anything going for him.<P>=AD

AD,<BR>So sorry to hear things are a roller coaster. It must be particularly tough with a new baby on the scene. I'm trying to remember if it was Dobson or Weiner-Davis who recommends that we open the cage door so to speak when things get tough. Your W is from another country of origin, has a new baby, a marriage that she finds undesirable for whatever reason, and a lover also from a different country. Perhaps she feels trapped by the overwhelming changes in her life. She must think the OM has <I>something</I> in his favor going for him. <P>The question that comes to my mind is, how was your communication before the affair? Does she feel safe communicating with you? Perhaps she had less than perfect reasons when she married you. Maybe she thinks this OM will be perfect, which of course he won't be. As she wavers in her decision, maybe it would be a good time to ask her if she's withholding any of the truth? There might be a reason that she's reluctant to be completely truthful with you. It will be your job to make sure she feels safe in telling you the truth. Just my shot in the dark here.

lonesome heart,<P>Thanks for posting.<P>Our communication has always been really good. She tells me everything - except about OM, and she tells me some things about him - would tell me more but I really don't want to hear what a fine fellow he is. For example, today, she told me that she was going to chose either him or me, and I was surprised. I told her - there is a third alternative - neither. She said she didn't want to be alone. I told her that I thought it unlikely that she would marry and stay with him long term, but probably to marry somebody else. (maybe I shouldn't have said that.) This is the point I wanted to make - she said that she has already poured out everything to two people - and doesn't think she could do that again with a third. So that indicates how much she values being able to talk to me.<P>The major issue in our marriage is that W says her Mom "made her" marry me. Truth is, she wanted to delay or cancel the wedding - and tried to get her Mom to agree BEFORE she talked to me about it. Her Mom threatened never to speak to her again if she didn't marry as planned. I believe it. So, she stood up there and said those vows thinking "well, now Mom will be happy" and not thinking about the next day - and year etc.<P>So, I asked her "Why did you decide to have a baby?" She said, "well, I wanted a baby." Yeah, and so did I, but it seems to me that when she decided to have MY baby, that had to be a commitment to the marriage - and in fact, the pregnancy was the best time of our marriage.<P>Yeah, I know about the Dobson "Love must be tough" book - and "opening the cage door". That's why I helped her move out (5 months ago) - signed the lease on her appt, bought furniture, carried it there, set it up - even outfitted the kitchen with gadgets.<P>I don't want a captive wife - or even a reluctant wife, or a mercenary wife.<P>What OM has in his favor (that I don't) is<BR>1) He speaks Russian (her primary language, although she communicates extremely well in English) - and knows Russian culture.<BR>2) He is only 4 years older than she - instead of my 21 years older (Ouch!).<BR>3) He is "crazy too".<BR>4) He draws cute things on postcards. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Other than that, he is in some ways similar to me. Doesn't drink or smoke, never had a girlfriend before her, more of a thinker than a doer. <P>On the other hand, he isn't independent - had to borrow money from his brother to come here, never had a job. She is aware of, and concerned about these shortcomings.<P>-AD

Update:<P>Here's what I can't figure out... W comes over here almost every day - even when she doesn't have to - cooks for us, even cleaned a bathroom yesterday. I don't get it. She says she never loved me, doesn't want to be married to me - but she confesses her infidelity - even submitted to a long list of questions today, said she was sorry... but still wants the other guy.<P>Now, this is not a new attachment, she emailed and phoned him alot before we were married - spent several hundered dollars (my money) calling him even the month before our wedding - and again a month after and off and on throughout our almost 3 years. So, she is well attached to him - has given him the only thing that I valued - her heart.<P>So, lately, when she is not here - I have been thinking that I have to let her go - that she tells the truth when she says that she never loved me and never will. That really hurts, because nobody else ever did either (OK, now, I'm not asking for sympathy, pity etc [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] - it's just a fact, but I'm a big boy, I can live with it).<P>Last night she slept here because she neglected to pay her electric bill and her power was turned off at her appt. The baby slept in the bed with us part of the night. I'm glad that I had that experience at least once - the three of us together. She let me hold her, kiss her - but didn't recipricate.<P>So, is there any hope? Why is she willing to confess all? Why does she say she is sorry? Why does she come here and cook (and even clean!)? Is it just because her nephew is here and she doesn't want to lose the respect of her entire family (who will hear from him what is going on)? Nephew, btw, does not know about OM. Nephew told me that he would not want a wife like that - and he doesn't know about OM.<P>She tells me that there are two reasons for her to maybe stay in the marriage. 1) for the sake of our daughter and 2) for financial reasons. Is that all there is?<P>I had a wonderful session of prayer last night. W and baby went to bed, and I was in the other room praying for awhile. I felt such peace - no matter what happens, I want to be a peace with God - to try to please him. I don't want to be angry, hateful, bitter toward anybody even OM. Last night, I really felt some curiosity about him - like I wanted to get to know him as a friend - wierd, huh? Well, thats the power of prayer! I don't know if I could actually do that, but it was what I felt last night. OH, I mean the night before last now. Anyway, W's power didn't get turned back on until after dark today and she was here most of the day - cooked again - and I thought she might even stay - but she went home. Called me, said "we have light, and the heat is coming up. I guess we'll stay here." Why did she say "I guess we'll stay here"? Why wouldn't she stay there? Was there any question?<P>Too many questions...<P>-AD

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have been thinking that I have to let her go - that she tells the truth when she says that she never loved me and never will. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No one has a crystal ball. You mentioned previously that your mil pressured your W into marrying you. Well, that doesn't mean that your W will never love you. You sound like a decent, moral, caring guy. You're also the father of her child. You have a lot going for you! <P>The other comment I have is keeping sight of what YOU want. You said you don't want a captive wife. Would you take her back if financial security was her main reason? The communication seems to be fairly open between you. Hope it works out.

LH,<P>Thanks for your comments. I'm sure you are right. She might come to love me, but she has some fixed resentments against me. She says she "will never forgive me" for marrying her when she was 19, lonely and confused. I should have known better. She thinks I took advantage of her. Certainly, it was not my intention to take advantage of her. I thought she would make a great wife, and I loved her.<P>A strange thing happened last night. <P>Well, a few days ago, she was over here until evening, then went home. A half hour later, she was back - having discovered that her power had been turned off because she didn't pay the bill. So, she stayed here that night. It was really nice. The baby was in the bed with us - which we never used to do when the baby was smaller. I was so glad to have that experience at least once.<P>So, yesterday, she called me up at about 8:30pm, and said she needed to study and needed me to take care of the baby while she did. She was talking about coming over. I said "well, it's already almost the baby's bedtime, maybe you can study after she goes to sleep, and in the morning you can come and I'll watch her then so you can study some more". She replied "so, you don't want me to come tonight?" So, I said "of course, I want you to come." She said she would see. An hour later, she showed up - apparently with everything she would need for a few days - as if she were moving back home. She stayed the night, then became annoyed this morning because the house is such a mess and went back to her appartment.<P>So, something is happening. Maybe it is good.<P>I've got to go finish laying tile in the bathroom tonight - so I can grout it tomorrow and start on the 2nd bathroom.<P>I want at least to have the floors finished before her lease is up (on 15th of nov.) so she might consider moving home.<P>-AD

AD,<P>I am really going to stick my neck out on this one. And only because you and I have about the same age difference in our marriages do I feel ok in saying what I am going to say.<P>First, I almost think your wife is going through a Romeo and Juliet type of thing. <P>She loves this man, her family doesn't approve. Along comes this older more stable man that is interested in their daughter.<P>Mom looks at this and thinks, this is good for my daughter she will never have to worry about putting food on the table or being warm. (taking in the Russian heretage)<P>So Mom forces daughter to wed the older man for security.(mom brushes off hands job well done figuring she has secured her daughter's future)<P>Daughter is still in love with Romeo,faults and all, because at 19 we aren't experienced enough to realize we don't want to have to worry about where the food is going to come from, we only want to be "in love"<P>She went from her parents home to her husbands home, who was old enough to be another parent.(sorry)<P>She has never had any real authority over her own life, and is now feeling like she needs to have some control. I think that is why when you back off and tell her fine, you are free to live your life. Then she feels she really does have a choice, then she starts to think about who is going to pay the light bill and such.<P>Keep up the good work, it is only my opinion. And hell I am in a mess so what says my opinion is right.<P>-Kat-<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: -Kat- ]

-Kat-,<P>Thanks for posting (and reading).<P>I agree with you to some extent on the Romeo/Juliet comparison. On the other hand, my W is not fond of that story. She says (and even said it tonight) "Juliet ended up dead" so it's not exactly a story for any girl to model her relationships on. I'm sure to some extent that OM is more attractive because her parents disapprove of him. On the other hand, I think they would have liked him if I were not already in the picture. He is a pretty good guy - other than the fact that he's chasing a married woman - and slept with her too. <P>To put things straight, W and I met in May '97, and she didn't email OM until February of '98. So, it's not that she was involved with him and I "came along", but the other way around. And... she WAS in love with me - no matter what she says now. I don't think she could have faked it. Other people could tell too - just the way she looked at me. I have a letter she wrote a couple of weeks after we were engaged, and although she had corresponded with OM and called him a few times, she was clearly in love with me at that time. It was only later, when she was having second thoughts that her Mom put on the full press.<P>It is true that I have sometimes been put in a semi-parental role. I did not choose it. Sometimes, W would call me "papa". I would almost always object - telling her "I'm not your papa!" But, she didn't go from their home directly to mine - but spent 2 1/2 years separated physically from her parents - going to college in the US. I was aware of that danger (of her simply exchanging parental dependency for dependency on me) but assumed that since she hadn't even seen her parents in 2 years, and only called them less than once a month, she was not dependent on them. I was mistaken.<P>UPDATE----------<BR>W showed up suddenly here today - and came in the door crying. After a few moments, I understood that she got a ticket. This is the second one since the separation (in 5 months). I don't think she was doing anything dangerous. She stopped at a red light and waited for 3 minutes and it never changed. She thought it was broken - and there was no traffic, so she went - and, of course, a cop saw her. Then, by the time he stopped her, she was going 60 in a 45 zone. He didn't notice that she wasn't wearing her seat belt, but did complain that she couldn't find the insurance card. He just ticketed her for the red light - but shouted at her for awhile. She was just shaking and crying.<P>So, she stayed here for a couple of hours and I comforted her. She commented that OM couldn't have done that - she needed the older, stabler guy for that.<P>She had a class tonight - but was upset about driving and didn't want to go. I was supposed to keep the baby while she went to class. Somehow, she discovered that I know the man that OM lives with. I admitted that I talked to him and told him about the affair. She was offended that OM didn't tell his host the truth. I think she felt abandoned by him that he would not acknowledge his relationship with her.<P>Anyway, she finally left about 40 minutes late - said she was going to just drop by the class and pick up the assignments. She arrived back home early. She confessed that she went to see OM - apparently just to tell him that his host (Robert) knows about the situation - and to complain to him that he wasn't willing to tell Robert the truth and acknowledge her. She didn't visit OM long. Now, she's really confused.<P>She came back here, cooked supper for us, allowed me to massage her back and legs - during which she said "I wish somebody else (OM) would do that" - and went home after 10pm. I don't know why I am so calm. Maybe it's the prayer. Maybe it's the Prozac. Probably a combination.<P>-AD

AD,<P>Sounds like she is wavering on the OM.<P>As for the Romeo and Juliet thing, I was more refering to the forbidden, then the complete idea of it.<P>I know that I have a 21 yr old daughter that has been in college for 3 yrs now and has lived away from her father since we divorced in 92.<P>She feels very abandoned by her father and has a tendency to date older men, I think looking for the spoiling that she gets from them. She is finally in a realtionship with only 5 years difference in age.<P>I also noticed in one of your posts that, a lot of the hurt comes from the fact that you feel "no one has ever loved you". <P>My heart hurts for you in that comment. Is that how you truly feel? Is this something that is maybe pushing your W away a little bit? A neediness for love? I know that I get that way...very clingy almost (not saying you are clingy).<P>-Kat-<P>anyways it does sound like you are making progress. <P>Good luck to you

The age difference is big and might be to big. I know that you love her and you might be seeing the end of her A. Still I need to ask you what will be years from now. You don't want a relationship based on security and money. I don't see long term here, and you don't as well. We choose to love people yet the age difference is there, you are both from different generations.

I am going to stick my head on the chopping block, but the internet is the ultimate in freedom of speech, or should i say, opinions:<P>AD, what do you think she will do once she finishes her education, learns to cope and actually be able to live in this country without your "parental" support? What will she want with her blooming independence?<P>You are toast in the long run. . . because she isn't yet marriage material. . . she hasn't done her wild stuff. . . she is not ready to settle down yet. . . and I believe the marriage out of duty. . . and I question your statement that she "does" love you, because usually, you can't tell what a person is really thinking/feeling by their actions or words. In other words, you can't tell the difference between love, infatuation, and a good father figure for someone who is lost.<P>You are a father figure to her, and you are to her mom. . . once she grows up, what do you think kids do with their parents? they leave to be on their own. . . .<P>you are nice and caring, but let me ask you:<BR>were you socially inexperienced in the dating world in high school/college?<BR>not real popular in HS?<BR>are you an introvert?<BR>are you a perceiver? (Myers Briggs personality type?)<BR>are you a Sensor (Myers Briggs personality type?)<P>just my intuition from your posts, your thought patterns, and your approach to marriage. . . <P>(part of which i have in my background, that's why i think these questions are germaine, as well as other reasons from my reading and counseling. . . )<P>and although my reply was lost with the new server, my last post to you you may not have read, but I apologized for possibly being misinterpreted for stereotyping, however, I never stereotyped your wife, I merely asked you questions that are obvious to me to ask yourself and your wife, and to explore and examine, but i never stated anything other than facts you stated in your prior postings.<P>peace<P>WIFTTy

Hey AD,<P>Just wanted to say you seem to be doing well and getting stronger every day!<P>How's the excerise program going? Have you had time to start it yet?<P>You know, I know people who were popular in school and who were not popular in school. From my perspective about the same number of people if not more who were popular are having the same strugles as those who were unpopular. Most of the unpopular in school seem more well rounded and have a better lease on life. I read an article regarding this recently. It said sometimes the most popular person struggles more because when they were in school everything came too easy, once out in the real world, they had to learn rejection and deal with issues they never had to face. <P>From what I know about you. You are so well rounded. You have a good head on your shoulders, you are a very kind hearted person, and you are highly intellegent. Another thing I learned through a conversation we had, is you are dedicated, devoted and you honor your commitments. This was not learned only through through what you told me about your wife, but also something you said about your nephew.<P>AD, I know how you feel you want to give your marriage every chance possible, and you should. You have a beautiful baby girl and a wife you still love. If you give it your all and it still fails then you will walk away with the pride of knowing you did everything you could.<P>Take care guy!<P>ANNA<p>[ October 24, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

Folks,<p>Thanks for the posts. I wrote a long reply yesterday, but it got lost because I forgot to log in.<p>Update:<p>W's nephew's birthday was Thursday and W wanted to cook a special meal for him - also she had to study for an exam and needed me to watch the baby while she studied. So, Wednesday night, she came over and spent the night here - studied some in the evening, cooked lunch Thursday and studied some more.<p>Wed night, I came to bed, and she said something, like "don't touch me with your cold hands" - so I said I would sleep on the floor. She said it didn't feel right for me to do that and would I please sleep in the bed. So, I laid down, waited for her to go to sleep and moved to the couch in the far end of the house. She didn't realize I was gone until the baby woke at 4am.<p>Thursday, she cooked the birthday lunch - bought a cake. We did that stuff - not much energy in it. It was his 19th birthday and I felt sorry that we didn't do better by him. W asked if I had a gift for him. I said "no". She didn't either, and he is HER nephew. So, I said I would give him some money since he is going home for Christmas and needed some spending money for gifts for his family and friends. I'm leaving out the details here. Not much energy to write about it now.<p>Late Thursday afternoon, W had been studying for 3 hours. She really freaks out about exams. One time she missed 3 exams in one day - refused to get out of bed. So, Thursday afternoon, she had been studying and the baby was sleeping - and she just came in and sat in my lap and asked me to hold her. I held her for half hour and she fell asleep. She woke, got ready, went to her exam. Probably did OK.<p>Afterwards we had the birthday cake thing and she went home. But before she went home, she asked me to help her fill out the application for the apartment she wants to move to. She gave notice on her current appartment and has to move by the 15th. The one she wants is not available until the 20th, so I expect I'll have her home for a few days (and have to put her furniture somewhere and rent the truck twice). I was annoyed that she wanted me to help her fill out the application.<p>I was glad to see her go home (strangely enough). I felt as if I was waiting for her to go home all day.<p>Friday, she called me at about noon - saying she had been to the apartment and they had a problem with the fact that both of us were unemployed and they wondered how we were going to pay the rent. She said we could pay 6 months in advance or maybe show them a bank statement. I told her she could come and get the bank statement, that I didn't want to pay $3k now. So, she came. I hadn't had a shower even so I felt pretty bad when she came. I suggested that she leave the baby with me and take her nephew to lunch. She reluctantly agreed. They went. Baby fell asleep in my arms - which is always very nice. I just sat and held her while she slept until they came home. W seemed like she was going to hang around again. I really felt like asking her to stay away until Monday - when she has a class and I have to keep the baby. I just left her playing with the baby and went and fixed myself a late lunch - just a salad. She came to the kitchen, was watching me - took a few slices of cucumber off my salad. I asked her if she had a good lunch, and she replied "Why are you looking at me like that!?". I got a little angry and said something like I should keep a bag over my head so that she won't think I'm looking at her somehow the wrong way. I mean, why can't she say "you look a little angry. Is something wrong?" That is, if I looked angry. I don't know how I looked. I didn't think I was looking at her in any particular way - just asked if she had a nice lunch. I hate it when she does that.<p>Sorry, just venting.<p>So she finally left (with the bank statement) and I just waved and stayed in the kitchen - didn't see her out. She called at about 8:30 Friday night. She started asking me if I had done anything - applied for any jobs. She accused me of not wanting to work. I told her that maybe SHE should look for a job - that she was nobody special that was exempt from working. If she didn't want me, she couldn't expect me to take care of her. I was pretty short with her. I don't know how it came to that. I told her that I don't want her. That she has to divorce me now - because I realize that she never treated me with respect and certainly doesn't love me. She began to argue that she DOES respect me. Strange way she has of showing it. She seemed a little surprised that I said that I don't want her - because I never said that before. She said "you told me that you would always care". I told her "I do care, but I'm trying to learn not to - still, even if I care, I don't want you anymore." She said she was just lonely and that's the only reason she called and I didn't have to talk to her that way. I said "well, I'm entitled to have a bad mood now and then." I appologised, we talked for awhile more about the baby and stuff. She was changing the baby and getting her ready for bed, so she said goodbye at maybe 9:30. Maybe I don't care. I think I just want to get it over with. I'm tired of being treated this way. Maybe I'll get over it.<p>I should sleep - but I've been just channel surfing since 10pm.<p>I'm sorry this is such a disordered "report" and that I lost my replies to your postings. I do appreciate you folks for reading my saga and posting.<p>-AD

Update,<p>Well, I was more pleasant with W today. See Nina too's thread addressed to me.<p>She called tonight maybe 10:30, talked about her school - decided to keep her current major - probably will change her mind again. Anyway, we had a pleasant conversation, then she asked "so, when are you calling the lawyer". I told her that it was very painful for me that she seemed to want to spend time pleasantly with me - and still divorce me. She replied that she didn't see any reason why we had to hate each other - and couldn't we still be friends - she would like me as a friend. I said that I didn't think it was possible - after she "destroyed my life". Anyway, I ended up asking her not to come or call Sunday - I'll see her Monday afternoon - when she has to go to class and I will stay with the baby at her place. She agreed.<p>I don't know what I want. She doesn't know what she wants. Actually, we both know what we want. I can't have what I want (my W to love me), and she loses a lot financially, socially and in other ways (delayed citizenship) if she goes for what she wants (OM).<p>Anything can happen.<p>-AD

You are working on yourself, thats great. When this is all behind you things will change. You realize that you can have a relationship with a loving, caring woman and that your life can be good. This takes some time and dosnt happen overnight, but it will come. She will have to learn not to use people, just be a great dad. Send her a legal letter with your intentions and put her on notice that you only concern is your child. You are no longer a door mat. Work on yourself and your child. That should be your course of action.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by AbandonedDad:
<strong> If she didn't want me, she couldn't expect me to take care of her. I was pretty short with her. I don't know how it came to that. I told her that I don't want her. That she has to divorce me now - because I realize that she never treated me with respect and certainly doesn't love me. She began to argue that she DOES respect me. Strange way she has of showing it. She seemed a little surprised that I said that I don't want her - because I never said that before. She said "you told me that you would always care". I told her "I do care, but I'm trying to learn not to - still, even if I care, I don't want you anymore." She said she was just lonely and that's the only reason she called and I didn't have to talk to her that way. I said "well, I'm entitled to have a bad mood now and then." I apologised, we talked for awhile more about the baby and stuff. She was changing the baby and getting her ready for bed, so she said goodbye at maybe 9:30. Maybe I don't care. I think I just want to get it over with. I'm tired of being treated this way. Maybe I'll get over it.<p>
-AD</strong><hr></blockquote><p>AD,<p>I am going to vent about your wife, because she is really starting to get on my nerves.<p>I don't get this woman. She marries you. By marriage she promises to be your wife forever. She has your baby, then she leaves you. She has an affair. She says she never really loved you. She says she had a EA with this other guy before she even met you and while you were together. First, Why did she ever bring a baby into all this if she knew she didn't love you to begin with. Didn't she know this would complicate things more for you? I know you love your little girl and you are so glad she did give you a baby but I don't understand your wife's thinking if she is now telling you all along she knew she didn't love you. AND NOW, of all things, she gets upset because you tell her you don't want her anymore????????????????????????????????????
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, she expects you to grovel over her for the rest of her life? She expects you to take care of her for the rest of her life? She expects you to hold up your end of the bargain while she tramples all over your feelings and breaks ever promise she made? <p>I am sure you told her you will always care for her because she was your wife. She is saying now she doesn't want to be your wife. She sounds so incredibly selfish. Even if you told her you'd care for her whether divorced or married, this doesn't mean you are gonna "care" for her by providing a life a husband would provide for a wife if you to stayed together. All that meant is in your heart you would always have some feelings for her. Boy, is she trying to play you!<p>I see her using the baby and everything she can to keep you exactly where she wants you at. I am glad you are finally telling her she can no longer munipulate you. You are getting stronger and I see your eyes opening to what she is doing. <p>I think for right now you are right, you just need to make sure your innocent little daughter gets both a mother and a father's love.<p>Take care and good luck AD. I'm glad you are starting to not letting her get by with these things.<p>ANNA

AD,
I may be lost in your whole story, but i was just wondering...does your w want to work on your marriage? Why is she still seeing him?, Is it because you are separated right now? Sorry, I am just probably lost in your story.
Here is my suggestion or advice...Separated or not, you both are still married to eachother, it is a sacred union, bond, covenant, "oneness", that satan works daily on destroying (i'm sure you know that). My pastor told me this..."If H is going to live like he is married to another woman then he needs to pack his bags and leave".
I told him this, he did leave. He thought he loved this OW still, who knows. But a few months before this he got her pregnant, and when she told him of the pregnancy, he came running back to me. Anyway, I went off track a little, but my point is that you cannot allow her to still see or talk to him. She needs to break off ALL contact with him and until she does that, you have to be brave and courageous and pray for her, but not sit by while they continue in this EA, emotions are blinding, our hearts are deceiving. <p>Something has to wake your wife up, it's not going to be you or her or OM, it is going to have to be God's discipline and answer to your prayers. <p>Ok, I am editing my post. I was very lost, Ok i didn't realize that your wife actually wanted a divorce, maybe I thought she was entertaining the idea so sorry for not reading carefully. Anyway, my opinion is still the same however. I do think that you need to take this situation to God. He is the ONE and ONLY resource you have at this point, at any point, for that matter. My H also filed for a divorce one year and 2 months ago and I never signed one thing, I made it extremely difficult for him to get the divorce by never calling a lawyer, by never signing and by never responding to his lawyer. In fact, the person who kept coming to the apartment to serve me the papers - I didn't answer the door or the phone when I didn't recognize caller id.<p> God will answer your prayer, have faith in that. He answered mine. We are still married, he came home after realizing his huge mistake and if there is even a shread of hope on both our parts (which I know there is) God can work with that. God will convict your w and there will be consequences to her, OM's sin. I learned the hard way, that the consequences that I am dealing with regarding h's and OW sin (an illegitimate child as a result of affair) is consequential to me as well. In fact I more than likely suffer the most because at least they both are blessed with a miracle of life. Anyway, I am not happy with the consequences, but I can't change God's will. I want to. <p> Pray that, at any cost (that is what I had to say, unfortunately, the highest cost is what i am paying) that God brings your wife back to you. Pray that he changes her heart. Pray that he breaks her heart. W has to come to God first before she comes back to you. The lineage has to be through God in order for it to be worthy, and of truth. <p>I don't know if my reply helped at all, it is all more rambling away, but for God's glory, I hope it helped.
God Bless.<p>[ October 28, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Hey folks,<p>I thank each of you for reading and posting on my thread. I'm sorry, but not much in the mood for writing. I'll try to respond to each of you later.<p>Just a little update before I go to sleep.<p>I had told W not to come or call today. I didn't answer the phone all day. There were several calls - I'm sure all from W. She called in early afternoon, again at 6:30, again at 8:30 etc. In the later times she called over and over again - waited for the machine to pick up - but never left a message. It got annoying for nephew. He asked if he should answer and tell her I didn't feel like talking. I told him he could answer if he wanted to - and tell her I was in the shower. I don't know if he ever did. She stopped calling eventually - maybe 10:30 or so.<p>I don't know if this is the right thing to do - kindof a mini plan B thing. She DID agree not to call or come today. Maybe she'll miss me eventually. Anyway, tomorrow evening I have to keep the baby while she goes to class - and takes another mid-term. I hope she is studying and does OK. Probably she will blame me if she doesn't.<p>Again, thanks to everyone who posted. I do read them all and appreciate your comments. I will respond - probably tomorrow. Sorry I haven't responded on your threads. I dont' have much advice for anybody these days.<p>-AD

well... I didn't do so good, or maybe I did. I don't know. I was trying to stay away from W, and I let her get to me.<p>W called at maybe 9:30am. I didn't answer the first time, but her nephew did. I was still asleep - since I go to bed very late these days. Anyway, nephew came to my door - told me she was on the phone. I said something, don't remember what, but didn't take the call.<p>She called again about 10:15, I think. Nephew was already gone to class. I answered. She asked why I didn't answer the phone Sunday. She said I could have at least just picked it up and said I didn't feel like talking. I just listened mostly. Finally, she said that she wanted to come over a little early before her class so that she could get some extra study time while I watched the baby. I agreed. She said she would come at 2 or 3. She showed up at 12:45. She told me that she wrote a check for about $3000 to pay 6 months rent in advance on her new apartment. Of course, there isn't that much in her account, and I suppose she wants to me to take care of it. She DID get a discount on the rent, so her new place is cheaper than the old one and bigger too. I let the subject of the rent drop and she didn't demand immediate action.<p>She was talking about cooking something. I told her we both (nephew and I) already ate and she didn't need to spend time cooking when she could be studying. She was hungry and I gave her some leftovers from the night before. Anyway, she studied a little and just hung around. When the baby went to sleep, I told her I was going to go to the grocery and would be back. She begged me not to leave her alone - to stay there with her. She offered to read to me from her textbook. I declined. Well, she knows how to work me. I ended up rubbing her back and legs while she "studied". Before she left for class, she was saying she was hungry again and was talking about going to the Thai resteraunt just down the road. There wasn't time before her class. So, she went to class. While she was gone, nephew and I ate. Baby was good and let me eat.<p>When W returned, she rounded up the baby's stuff and got ready to go. I helped carry her laundry (which she also did this afternoon) out to her car. She let me kiss her goodbye on the cheek. That's amazing! Then I almost climbed in the car - gave her a hug and another kiss on the forehead. She said "I have a problem... I want a man". I said "that's not a problem, because I want a woman". This was starting to sound good. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] "But, I want another man", she said. "Yeah, I know." She said she was sorry, said that she had thought before that it would be easier if I hated her, but yesterday when she thought I hated her she was miserable. She said, "why don't we go for a drive." I replied "well, you've got to get the baby to bed, I'd better not." She drove off - looking confused.<p>One thing I haven't made clear in my "reports". As far as I know, she has seen OM only twice since the fateful night of October 6 - once for lunch and another time to tell him off a little for not telling his host the truth.<p>She apparently doesn't call him at home - since he is living with a family and she knows that his hosts know that she was having an affair with him - and disapprove. So, I don't think they communicate very much the last few weeks. I'm not sure why. She regrets sleeping with him, maybe feels a little used. I don't know.<p>-AD

Hi AD, <p>A weird thing...I have posted a couple of times to this thread in the last two days, and they have just disappeared. I only discovered this today.<p>Anyway, I think you did absolutely the right thing on Sunday, when you didn't answer her calls...she wants what she can't have, and I would suggest to you (if it is true she has had little contact with OM) that it is the same with him. She worshipped from afar, she got him, she slept with him.....well now he isn't so interesting. And you.....you don't talk to her, and THEN she wants you.<p>So what do you think you should do?<p>I would suggest no contact for a while...it seems to drive her crazy. You obviously won a battle on Sunday, but not the war YET. You see what I mean?<p>Be strong, friend.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky