This board goes down at the darndest times for me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I've been told to ditch my H's gun, and I need opinions.<P>Last Friday, I visited the local veteran center to discuss benefits available. One thing I hoped for was emergency housing. My H is a Vietnam vet. He's highly intelligent, highly educated, and talented. He earns his income by working at a nursery taking care of plants. Part-time. For this and many other reasons, I believe my H has ptsd, and it's never been treated in 30 years. I have served as his buffer between his comfort zone and the real world. I thought it was the right thing to do, the way to show my H that I love him. I've ended up with a pseudo marriage that is draining the life force right out of me. It has withered my heart and soul to the point that I must separate in order to heal from the heartache, damage and pain I have seen in this marriage. <P>Well, the counsellor agreed that he needs to come in for ptsd counselling. She expressed concern about his behavior when I tell him I want a separation. Then she asked if there's a weapon in the house. I said yes. She asked if he sleeps with it. I was glad to say honestly no. She said get rid of it. <P>This advice kinda freaked me out. She's a licensed social worker, LMSW. She seems to know her topic well. I just can't help but wonder if she really knows as much as she seems to think she does. Ya know? I mean, she's never met my H and she's telling me in our first visit that my H thinks about suicide. A primary reason H doesn't want to go there is because he thinks he'll end up more damaged. Quite frankly, I have the same concern. It's bad enough that our marriage has failed, but I would REALLY feel bad if I encouraged him to seek counselling and he ends up with a no-good crackpot. He needs some good counselling, and the subsequent monetary benefits which I have no doubt he qualifies for. But I digress. <P>I wanted to come here days ago and ask y'all about this business of getting rid of the gun. Should I? Shouldn't I? If I should, how?

I suggest that you read the books by <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index=books&field-author=Matsakis%2C%20Aphrodite/103-7719563-9329431" TARGET=_blank>Aphrodite Matsakis</A>. She writes extensively about the effects of trauma, PTSD and related conditions. I doubt that your counselor has any particular knoledge of this problem. You need a specialist. Also look at the web site of <A HREF="http://www.trauma-pages.com/" TARGET=_blank>David Baldwin</A>. My W has some aspects of PTSD having suffered the trauma of war, the loss of her birth family and adoption in childhood. I used to read about it a little.<P>Good luck.<P>BTW. Did your husband ever talk about shooting anybody? Is he parnoid? Does he keep the gun ready - "just in case"? You probably have a good feeling about his volatility.<P>-AD

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I doubt that your counselor has any particular knoledge of this problem. You need a specialist. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, AD, I'm sure my H would agree with you! I do worry about the same thing myself. If you're right, what do you suppose happens to all the vets and wives who receive counselling from their local veteran center? <P>Are you suggesting that a LMSW is not sufficient qualifications to counsel veterans suffering from post traumatic stress? I really don't know what qualifications are necessary/desired in the treatment of ptsd. I know that LMSW is a licsensed social worker, but I really don't know how much or what kind of education is involved with such a title. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did your husband ever talk about shooting anybody? Is he parnoid? Does he keep the gun ready - "just in case"? You probably have a good feeling about his volatility.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think H is paranoid. The only person he ever talked about shooting is the unwise soul who might make the bad choice of breaking into our home. <P>Anyway, despite my reservations about the quality of advice I received at the veteran center, I have decided to remove the gun from the home. Deep down I believe my H would not ever commit suicide, but I must confess he had me worried about it when I moved out for a month last year. When he said everything is dark and there is no future, yes, I worried about what he might do. <P>Thank you AD for responding. I will withdraw my question about "should I" remove the gun, since I already have. I'd still like to hear people's ideas on how it should be done. I think I came up with something rather creative and safe. It'll cost at least five more responses to this thread for me to reveal what I did. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] C'mon folks. Let me know I'm not the only one who worries about firearms in the house with a depressed person.<p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: lonesome heart ]

Well I think I would get rid of the gun, just to be sure he wasn't tempted. As to how, what about taking it to a gunshop and selling it...I suppose that's a big LB!<P>I don't know, I never had a gun.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Thanks for the suggestion nina too. Since the gun belongs to my H, selling it never entered my mind. Disposing of it permanently doesn't seem appropriate to me. I think it would make me look like the bad guy to him, and the main thing I want to accomplish is safety.

Am I too off topic to get some more responses here? Vietnam veterans have an extremely high rate of divorce. It is no longer a mystery to me why vets end up being homeless. If I were to describe my H in one word, it would be &#8220;non-participant.&#8221; I have stayed in this marriage because I have a core belief that leaving would violate the wedding vows that I took. I also don&#8217;t want to see my H end up homeless. <P>I didn&#8217;t realize until speaking with the counselor at the veteran center that the wives can develop ptsd from living with their H&#8217;s who have ptsd. I don&#8217;t know if I have ptsd as a result of this marriage or not, but I do know my level of stress is affecting my ability to function. In order to preserve what&#8217;s left of my mental health, I see no choice but to separate from my H. The separation will likely end in divorce. The success rate of counseling guys who have suffered from untreated ptsd for 30 years is dismally low. <P>Does anyone know of a forum that is dedicated to Vietnam veterans&#8217; wives? Maybe a place like that is where I should be?

Lonesome Heart,<P>Maybe you've already done all the reading... but I still recommend checking out<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Vietnam Wives : Facing the Challenges of Life With Veterans Suffering Post-Traumatic Stress <BR>by Aphrodite Matsakis (Paperback - September 1996) <BR>Average Customer Review: List Price: $24.95<BR>Our Price: $17.46<BR>You Save: $7.49 (30%) <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Also, she has another title "Trust After Trauma".<P>-AD<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: AbandonedDad ]