This was my post from Tuesday:<P>Yesterday my lawyer gave me the court date &#8211; 19 October. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. I am mostly really very sad. I phoned my H to give him the date. And he said he would not be coming. He then asked how I felt, I didn&#8217;t answer but asked him how he felt. He said he was scared. So later I sent the following sms. &#8216;U asked how I felt - the answer - sad.I thought u were going 2 b there bcause the marriage actually meant something 2 u.&#8217; He sent me a reply last night that he would be coming.<P>Now I have a question that I would really like some of the guys to answer. He said he is scared, now men don&#8217;t usually admit to that do they? What else (hidden meaning if any) could there be in that statement. Also the fact that he is now going to be at the court, after the message I sent him.<P>I had a really scary random thought last night that maybe I should phone him and ask him one last time if there is any hope left. I thought that was a really crazy thought considering where I am in my life at this moment. Have these thoughts crossed others minds just before a divorce?<P>Update:<BR>Last night we talked about things, but it left me feeling frustrated and worse. I was thinking this morning I&#8217;d like to know if he thinks there is hope, so I called and asked (big stupid thing for me to do). He was silent and then said How can you just phone and ask him that. I said just say yes or no. He said no. So we said bye. I feel like a big fool. I know there is no real going back, but I wanted to be sure one more time, because after next Friday for me there will be no turning back. I guess I had to know, but now I feel terrible.

((((((((pantha)))))))))))))))<P>So sorry it has come to this.<P>Don't feel bad about the phone call, because it was one more thing you had not done. You would always be wondering what if i had asked that question....<P>So now, the answer wasn't what you wanted to hear, but at least you know. You know you did everything you could.<P>((((((((((pantha)))))))))))))<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Nina thank you for your thoughtful reply.<P>I really am not doing good. I feel there is nothing for me in this life, no one. Its like no one would miss me if I wasn't around. Coming home each evening to an empty house... I am not enjoying my life and can't keep going on like this. I do normal things, go to work, shop, go to dance class on Tuesdays, but nothing means anything to me. Yesterday I found out I won a competition but it was just something that happened - I didn't feel excited like I should have. I really don't know what to do with my life. I mean I can study and do home repairs and all that, but like I said it means nothing, I get no joy out of it. I used to love my cats like they were our children, but now I don't even have much time for them. <P>I am going to have to see my H after the divorce when he should be collecting his belongings. How do I handle that? My life is such a mess...

Hi Pantha<P>Im so sorry that this has happened to you<P>(Now I have a question that I would really like some of the guys to answer. He said he is scared, now men don&#8217;t usually admit to that do they? ) <BR>I think all men and women who are going through divorce are scared . ( Keep on asking ourselves ,is this the right decision Im making ?, (What if) keeps coming up in our minds. We just so scared of change and the uncertainty of what the future holds for us ). PERSONALY Im s**t scared of the d day. At least you Know when your date is and then you can restart your life. My divorce could drag on for another year, but we will survive .<P>(((((((((((Pantha,)))))))))) hang in there ,

Pantha,<P>I'm not a doctor, but I can see you are depressed, and at a low point. Are you on anti-d's? If you are you may need to up the dose for a while, if not, see a doctor. When we first separated the doctor gave me ergynol, a fast acting anti-d, like it works NOW not in a few weeks, and you can take alongside other anti-d's. It is a short term prescription, which is designed toget you through the most difficult situations.<P>Please see your doctor...it won't solve your problems, but you will NOT feel so crushed.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Pantha - For what it's worth, I think your WH response was "foolish"; if not stupid. I think your calling and asking him how he felt was appropriate on several levels. You needed to speak, that's reason enough.<P> I think you have reason to be proud for trying to do what you felt was right in difficult circumstances. My prayers go out to you and your family in this time of crisis.<P> I hope you get the love and peace you deserve.<P> Have you tried counselling to help you navigate through this mess? I feel I can completely understand having the joy sucked out of life; but I also think seeing your own beauty is key to not only surviving , but thriving.<P> My .02 for what it's worth; my own life is a mess also!<P> Dan

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pantha:<BR><STRONG>I really am not doing good. I feel there is nothing for me in this life, no one. Its like no one would miss me if I wasn't around.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Pantha, I know how you feel. It's not really true, but it just seems like that. My W's nephew stills lives with me - and I think when he graduates from college, he'll leave and never bother to even call me. My sister doesn't talk to anybody in the family. My brother works all the time and we're not close. I gave up all my friends for my wife(tho, I can say honestly, that they were REAL friends, and if I called them now, they would make some time for me). Mom is quite old and frail and a little confused now. So, if I left this world, after a few months I wouldn't even be in anybody's mind or thoughts - except maybe a couple of times a year somebody might think of me.<P>BUT, it doesn't have to stay that way. The world is full of people. Here I am in North America writing to you in South Africa. Yeah, few of us on this forum are really connected, but we're here and we care about each other. I went to NYC last weekend, and while I was gone, W was for the first time bedding OM. But when you think about a building comming down (which I saw part of the remains of first hand) with 5000 people in it - well, it's just good to be alive. There are 10000000000 things that each of us can do with our lives to have fun and make a difference in this world. We just have to let loose and do it.<P>Chin up, Girl!<P>-AD<p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: AbandonedDad ]

Nina I am trying to get thru this without anti deps, its just something I am doing that I have to do. Anti deps made me feel really numb, and I'd rather feel the pain than feel nothing. But thanks for the idea, I only got off them in about May.<P>Thank you AD, NWTCO and FM!<P>There is something I neglected to mention. He told me at what point he fell out of love with me. This painful to write but here goes. When we tried separating in August of last year, I called an X boyfriend. I told H about it. He came back to the house a few days later, and the X called. My H was there and very upset. I told X I would phone back. After telling my H that I needed to phone the X back, he went out while I made the call. But before he left I saw the terrible agony that I had caused him. And I felt terrible but not enough not to phone. Well this is the point my H fell out of love with me. I have thought about that night countless times and wish I could change my actions, I feel sick to my stomach when I recall the pain and aguish he must have felt. This is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The biggest mistake I ever made. He told me last night that that was the turning point and that he will never be faithful to anyone again. That he'd always felt in love with me, and how much I'd told him that I'd never felt in love with him. I told him how naive I was then, and that true love isn't this feeling of being 'in love'. He said again that he always felt in love with me. He says now that he will always love me. But after this morning I don't want any contact with him again.<P>Well that heart wrenching for me to write.<P>Pantha

Pantha,<P>do you mind me asking, was that the same x boyfriend you saw after your H left?<P>Did you ever share what you said here...how much you wish you could take tat day back...did you ever share your regret with your H? Maybe he didn't know.<P>Just a thought.<P>Be strong, girl, and he said what he said out of hurt, you know that!<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Nina,<P>Yes it was the same X boyfriend. I guess we never really had closure. Well this guy is totally out now, it was just something that had to happen so I could put finality on it, although I never contacted him after January this year, even though he sms'd me a few times. I was so determined to make my marriage work, but when we (H &I) hit the last bad patch and coincidently he sms'd me - we started staying in contact again. I now plan on stopping all contact with this guy.<P>I told my H last night how truly sorry I was for that night and what a mistake it was. Much the same words I used here to describe my feelings. He just listened - was rather quiet. <P>I don't mind you asking questions.

Okay, since you don't mind, pantha, I'll ask another one...<P>is there a chance, now think HARD, that H knew about that recent liason with X boyfriend?

Nina,<P>No I don't think he knows. I realise now that if he ever knew about this specific person there would be no hope of even speaking on a friendship level. But he might suspect that I have been with someone, although I don't think that he thinks I would actually do that. I told him when we first started speaking that he doesn't want to know me anymore because I have changed. He said to me that there is only one reason he would not want to know me. So I guess that was it.

(((((((((((Pantha)))))))))))<P>Sorry hun, I don't have time to read the whole thread but I think I read enough. The anticipation of the upcoming event almost killed me, I prayed every hour for a miracle to sweep through Lisa and change her mind. Guess what? It didn't and to quote Garth "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".....<P>Not to go all religeous on you or anything but someone mentioned a verse to me last week and it went something like this "You may hide under My wing until this storm passes"......<P>The days will be better and worse. My only advice is totally experience every emotion you feel to it's fullest possible extent. If you feel like crying, then cry, I mean put on the saddest music you can find and cry out your x's name and CRY. Then move to the next emotion. Fully experiencing every emotion will allow you to complete the greiving process.<P>And always remember there are many here who love you just for you and we'll be here whatever happens.....<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers