Hi everyone-<P>Last night was my H's night for the kids. As I expected, he was totally cold and negative. The OW comes home from college for the weekend today, so I know he wanted to get into it with me so that he could have a clear conscience for the weekend. Well, as hard as it was I held back and he didn't get to me. It just really bugs me. I mean on Sat. we basically did every thing but consumate sex, on Sun. he calls and tries to drag me into a fight, on Tues. he comes to get the kids and hangs out talks about old times, etc., now on Thur. he's an [censored] because he knows she's coming home. It is so unfair.<P>I asked for his plans for Sat. night. He is taking the kids to pizza. The OW is now going again - I'm sure she always was, but for some reason he still feels uncomfortable with me knowing the truth. <P>Here's the clincher though, he says he'll take the baby too. Now I know this will put a lot of tension on the outing. My daughter is an absolute angel, however, she nurses and is not taking to a bottle well, you really have to be patient and work to get her to take it. That is if she doesn't get upset. If she does you lose her and that little angel becomes absolutely unable to calm down. Oh well, she's his daughter too and as far as the OW is concerned, if she's that willing to destroy my family she might as well get used to caring for all of them.<P>It just gets me angry that he constantly tries to reaffirm to me how happy and in control he is. He's involved with a 21 year old yet he tries to make it seem how wonderful and deep their relationship is. It just gets tiring of him making the mistakes and me feeling the pain.<P>Thanks for listening. I'll let you know how it goes.<P>K

(((SR))) I am sorry for your pain. And sorry that your H is insensitive to your feelings.<P>I think having 3(?) children for supper can put some damper on romance for them, so I hope it does. But your children deserve better than having to see the OW. I know this is a very hurtful thing to happen, for your children to be out with OW. Just try to make sure that you are doing something for yourself on Saturday night and don't dwell on it. <P>About his being hot and cold with you, that is really trying on your nerves I'm sure. Remember to not expect anything from your H. When things do go well from his side, go with it, and when they don't, just try Plan Aing and I pray that he comes around.<P>Pantha

Thanks Pantha-<P>From what I've read our stories seem kind of similar. There actually are four children, so it won't exactly be a romantic evening. I am going out with friends so I won't be dwelling on their outing. The thing that frustrates me so much is that she is so much younger, she has no real responsibilities and therefore her goal is to please him. Now with the kids involved it just gets worse. These are my kids, they have enough going on without having to have her thrown at them. However, I do believe that his insistence on rushing the relationship between the OW and the kids will come back to bite him. Hopefully it will stress her 21 year old mind out totally and make her think twice about what she's doing. Plus just because he's in a rush to replace their mother doesn't mean that they are and that may cause more problems than he can handle. Who knows.<P>K

K<BR>Truly, going through this has got to be enough to put anyone over the edge. There is nothing FAIR about it. <BR>However, it is not going to hurt the baby to be taken and it may begain to crack whatever foundation this OG relationship is built on.<BR>I read that her family will not let him come to her house, is that right? Your H also told you that he does not see himself marring her? Sometimes, I believe that the foggy WH will do whatever they can to make this A work because they have gone so far with it and have hurt so many people already. It's hard to back down from such a strong position and say I'm sorry.<P>I've been reading some of the marerial in the artical and concepts section of this sight. It takes time, but it's like reading a book and it's been realy helpful.<BR> <BR>He is starting to waffle, he just doesn't know, or have enough insight to know it. Each time you talk with understanding and compassion he has to stop and think, "that's a good thing".<BR>Harly says, even if the marriage is not restored, you have become a different person with new awareness. This will effect all of your life and aid in other relationships you will have. You have changed, I can see it, and the growth will continue. You are on a personal track that be forever.<P>Personally, I believe that she will not marry him. It may take some time but It's begining to fall apart because you have changed to rules. Perhaps I could send her parents the SAA book for you.<P>Be kind on yourself K, you are doing great but we all have our times when we can't keep it together. You are not dealing with a typical Affair situation. You have the mixture of: Husbands own childhood abuse and the desiese of alcohol. He has issuses that are hard for anyone to relate to, including himself. He may also be running from the responsibility of such a large family.<P>I'll pray that this weekend be just another <BR>chip in this A. I'll pray that you will have the strength for just one more day, to be strong enough to send him away with good thoughts in his head "of you".

K<BR>One more thing. I told my husband about bringing the kids along with OG. His take on this is two things; first he said that if your H IS thinking of cooling it with her, he may find it easier or do so by using the kids as a REASON. He said that he may WANT HER to break it off. OR, he says, he's crazy, because the kids would be such a distraction.<P>The "change back theory" would say that, when he has discussed taking the kids with OG in the past, you would argue with him. Now you have clearly changed that position. He will eventually have to change his behaivor IF you have truly made this change. He is testing it.<P>He likely doesn't know what he is thinking and truth is I don't either, just a thought.<BR>I'm strugling too and sometimes it helps to reinforce this in writing.

Hi Marry-<P>Thanks for responding. I wish I could get in my H's head. I think there is a lot going on in it. Last night after he left I was talking to a friend and telling her that even though he acted exactly like I expected him too, it still hurt. She told me that she thinks he does what he does to reinforce himself. She feels he's becoming more confused and therefore is trying to let everyone know just how sure he is because he's really not. Who knows. <P>I do agree with your point that he may try to really push the A because he has gone so far and hurt so many. Hopefully the dinner date will go beserk, she's staying with her parents this weekend and if it does and she talks to her mom or sister about it they'll probably tell her that this is just the beginning of what she should expect. Maybe not. The reality of our four kids has got to hit her at some point though. <P>As far as this whole A goes he is by the book. Everyone tells me how mixed up he is and I tell them that the only thing I am sure of is that he is a text book example of an addiction to an A. <P>The weekend will be over before I know it and this too will pass. I will continue to plan A and hang in there. Thanks again for the encouragement and support. <P>How are things with your daughter?<P>K

K<BR>I just came on to see how you are doing. I know that if I were you I could never be strong enough to do this stuff. It's hard enough with a child, I truly think I would fall apart if this were my husband.<P>Do you know anyone who knows her parents? I know that they are going through hell and it sounds as though she is somewhat rebellous. If they say anything to her, at this point, she may stay with him only to prove them wrong. That's our experience anyway.<P>Our Daughter says it's over but I'm not sure. We haven't talked to her since last week when we went to her event for her work. As you know, she owes us money. I left an E-mail from my business, her dad sent a letter to her and the payment book. We are just making this business. We will not let it effect how we are with her, our Plan A. Still, we have not heard a word.<P>I was thinking what I would do if I were you. First of all, realisticly I would be in a mental institution. I'm thinking, what I would do looking in, in my safe place here on the computer giving advice. So that said, when H comes to get the kids I would try to make myself believe that he is just taking them out as a favor to me. Be up beat reinforcing how much the kids love to be with him and how I always trust they will be OK when they are with him. How greatful you are that he is the kind of father who wants to be in their lives. You can always count on him.<P>OK, OK, Ok, now calm down. I know that you don't think this way. BUT, just think about how you feel when someone says reafirming things to you. We don't want to let them down. I know, I know, I don't know squat and I should "get real"! Maybe I'm doing too much reading. People try to live up to our expectations. So the theory is to, "expect up" rather than expect down. I kind of think you are already doing this.<P>Maybe this is too much to expect. I have a theater background, thus my need for some script I could write. The only problem is that I could only write your part, his would be left to chance.<P>I realy feel for you K. This has to be so very hard. I don't think I could be this strong. I will surely pray for you.