Last night I went to an office party at work. Considering the conversation I'd had with H yesterday morning I was not really a very happy person. (I'd asked him it there was any hope and he'd said no). So anyway I was just generally getting happy drunk and actually socialising (which is a good thing for me). I met some people that I have seen around for a long time but never spoken to. Anyway there was this guy that I met, he is divorced over a year and half. I asked this guy if he'd follow me home because it was late and I was bit nervous. He said he would. Well we had flirted, so I said, that he couldn't come in even if he followed me home. But by the time I got home I felt quite bad, so I said he could come in for coffee. And that was all it was going to be - coffee and a chat. Then after coming in, my home phone rang - it was my H!! He said what am I doing bringing men into the house. I asked him what he meant. He said I'd phoned him and he heard our whole conversation. I checked my phone and his was the last number I'd dialled so I must have hit redial by accident. I feel so bad. He kept phoning and crying and telling me he was going to kill himself. I promised him that the guy had left and nothing was going on. He won't answer my calls now, and I was worried, so I phoned his sister and she said she had spoken to him today, so I know he is sort of ok. But now I am so upset and angry with myself. I don't know how to fix this with my H. I don't think he is ever going to speak to me again, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. I feel so empty inside. <P>This guy has asked me to go a movie with him tomorrow night. This is what I wanted - someone to chat to, and go to movies with. And now I feel sick thinking about last night. I am going to tell this guy that I don't want anything serious, because I am scared that he does. It seems he has been interested in me for quite a while, by the things he says. He is really nice, but I don't know how to handle things.<P>any comments on the situations....

Pantha,<P>I've overheard conversations with friends cel phones too. They accidentally press redial and you hear them talking. This wasn't your fault. I can't remember your story, but I thought husband was cheating on you. Is that true? Even if he wasn't. Didn't he say it was over? Don't let him blame you for anything. I would only say I'm sorry he overheard the conversation and it hurt him. I would not say I'm sorry for trying to have a good time and some conversation with someone else. I would have to remind him that he is the one that said it's over, you were just trying to move on. He's playing you. <P>Now, on this guy. You may think you can go out with him just as friends but eventually it'll grow to more. You are not ready for dating. You will both be hurt. Especially him. I'd call him and tell in after the divorce and when I have things together enough to date, then I will date. If it's meant to be, it'll just have to be later. It's the wrong time for you to get in a relationship with him now, if you to that relationship will be dirtied by your divorce. More than likely that will be what destroys the relationship. You'll have a much better chance of it working if and when you get the divorce.<P>If you do go out with this guy anyway. Don't lie to your husband about it. I am also wondering if here is any legal problems with you dating. You may need to check that.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<BR>[/QB][/QUOTE]

Anna thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, I have no one to speak to about this, and was going out of my mind. It means so much that you took the time to reply.<P>Yes he did have an affair during our separation last October. But it is probably more complicated than that. About legal implications of dating, I have no idea, and yes I am a bit concerned that he will go back on our agreement now. Even though I will be divorced Friday 19 October.<P>So you see this guy knows that I will be divorced then. I really need friends so I don't want to rule this guy out totally. I think I will just talk to him tomorrow and tell him that we can just go out as friends and not much more. Thank you for your advice.

Hey pantha,<P>Just read this.<P>I was once in a supermarket and my cell got hit...one of my friends was telling me she heard me saying to my youngest to stop climbing that, you'll fall, etclol.<P>But then I locked my phone after every call, just so it wouldn't happen again.<P>I just do not understand his attitude. You asked him the question, and then when he thinks you're going on with your life he goes ballistic...well!<P>I think you really need to talk to him Pantha, really, do it. I don't think this man wants divorce, and I don't think you do wither....call him and ask him to speak to you.<P>Love and light,<P>jacky

Nina<P>I don't understand his attitude either. He keeps on sending me sms's that he is going to kill himself. He just called now, so I said I loved him, and what more does he want from me. He told me what he wants I don't want to kow. He speaks so crytically I really don't understand. He tells me alcohol and drugs is not numbing his pain, and that he is going to kill himself. I don't know what to do. When I call he won't answer. I am starting to think that he is enjoying putting me through this. I don't know how to stop him from doing anything to himself. I wish that I'd never asked the guy in, if only I had a way of seeing into the future (*sigh* I wish I was a psychic).<P>PS I usually put my phone on lock but missed doing this time.<P>PPS I have just received a very nasty, emotionally & verbally abusive call from him. How do I handle this?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pantha:<BR><STRONG><P>PPS I have just received a very nasty, emotionally & verbally abusive call from him. How do I handle this?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Pantha,<P>He is on drugs and alcohol. Al-anon teaches you can not do anything for this person right now. The only thing you can do is not be pulled in to the arguments he is trying to pull you in to. You need to distance yourself from him. To me you need break away from what he is putting you through. You can't control his maddness but you are allowing to be pulled into it and causing your own maddness. Stop letting him make your life chaotic.<P>Maybe someday if he gets the help he needs, you will then be able to work on your marriage. I'd say quit calling him. You can't help him. You can't make him quit this torture he is doing to himself. Only he can help himself. It is time for tough love. Are you in Al-anon, if not get in Al-anon?<P>I think you need to do what I did. Totally cut him off. Which is actually what MB considers plan b, although I think I'm in plan C, which is "Run like hell, and never look back." <P>Here's the last email I sent to him, when he said I was dodging him with his questions and concerns he had.<P>Husband,<P>First I am glad we cleared up the matters regarding the children. I feel that one way to avoid miscomunication in the future is by emails. Even if we must talk on the phone regarding the children, from now on I will<BR>send emails confirming our conversation to help with this problem of miscommunication.<P>On dodging you, I am sorry for the miscommunication once again. So I<BR>will try very hard to make this clear this time. I will not, under any circumstances, respond to any comments regarding any matters outside of the children, the business or matters solely concerning our wrapping up<BR>our divorce. This is unconditional. Just to even make this clearer. It will be a waste of your breath to call me or ask me questions in person concerning anything other than the matters listed. ****, stop doing this<BR>to yourself. By continuing this you are only hurting you. It's time for us to stop all communication regarding matters outside these areas. I refuse to get pulled into arguments with you. When someone tries pushing<BR>buttons, the other person has a right to ignore and walk away. I am now choosing to ignore and walk away. Please respect that. Let's stop this cycle of arguing. Just to make this clear also, this will be the last<BR>time I will defend my right to not respond to issues that don't pertain to the three listed items.<P>Good luck, Lori,<P>Sheila

Anna<P>I am so glad that you responded because I realise that you have also been through similar situation and that you have gotten through it.<P>You know, I did distance myself from him, for 2 months I refused to speak to him. Now that we had become friends (as best we could) this has happened. I did turn my cell on silent and took off my voice mail so he could not leave nasty messages, although he did leave 2 on the home phone which I deleted after the first second of listening to it. I still love him dearly and think what I did was really hurtful, but I didn't do it to hurt him, it was a huge mistake. I have apologised and there is no more that I can do. I still see him as this lost little boy that I need to take care of, but he is not - he is an adult and needs to take responsiblity for himself.<P>Thank you again Anna.<P>Pantha

I read your last post and I agree he is an adult and you have to let go. Your divorce is on 10-19 at that point you are free to date, but go very slow and give yourself time. We are all hurt by our BS during the process of divorce and for many years after. If there are children involved they never leave our lives and that is even worse. Look at this as a new beginning for you; just keep your eyes open. <BR>YOU are not accountable to your SBXH. Stop saving him and start working on yourself. Please get a cell with a flip front. On Oct 19 you begin the first day of the rest of your life. It will be good.

I agree with everything everyone has said here about not getting sucked into arguments, detaching yourself from his madness, etc. He had no right to do the things he's doing to you.<P>One thing I'll suggest, however, regarding his suicide threats: Does he have any friends and/or family nearby who can intervene? You don't want (and shouldn't be) the one to take charge of his mental health- but a family member could and should.

adamsol and dabigtrain thank you for your replys.<P>Yes he has cousins close by but I don't have their numbers. He lives 7 hours drive from me, so I couldn't even try intervene.<P>But an update...<P>Yesterday he called and apologised for the very nasty phone call. I accepted his apology. We spoke about us for a while. He told me I don't want a druggie in my life, and I said that he is right. But if he ever cleaned up his act he should call me, and depending where we both are in our lives at the time, we could take it from there. He said he is still coming through for the divorce on Friday. I thought he wouldn't considering everything... I also felt extremely guilty because I was leaving soon to go to a movie with the guy that I met. I still love my H and if I could have him all fixed up he would be my first choice to spend my life with. Anyway I told this guy I don't want a serious relationship, said he doesn't want one either, so we will see. My H said he can hear that I have changed. That scares me quite a bit...