My situation is unique in that my husband & I have been sleeping in seperate bedrooms for years now due to children sleeping with me.Let me give you a little insight into my life. I have 5 children. All 5 were nursed some for 3 years. I am the type of person that needs sleep or else I cannot function the next day.All of my children never slept through the night. My husband incouraged the children to sleep in the bed but he couldn't sleep with them for fear of rolling over onto them. Even if I bottle fed, he would never wake for a nighttime feeding. He claims that he has to work the next day & I don't HA!Anyway to make a long story longer he has just admitted to 3 affairs. One lasting 1 1/2 yrs the other 2 yrs. & one a fling. He says that over the years he has felt disconnected from me. Instead of sitting me down & saying that we had a problem, he didn't. Istead he took care of his need on the side. If you are wondering did they ever have sex, yes we did, just infriquent. Now I am blown away & still have 2 children in the bed. It is to late to make them leave when they are so used to having mommy. I also have no desire to be with him now, after the affairs.Has anybody ever had a situation similar to mine or am I the only one out there.Please help me fix this!

Hi Bula,<P>Well, obviously there was some sex in your marriage since you have five kids!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I also nursed my children for extended periods, but I could never sleep with them, so I used to get up at night feeds.<P>I was a member of the Nursing Mothers Association of Australia, and they have a website, you can look that up...they produce booklets on all sorts of topics, and i am SURE one of them is about sleeping with children and how to wean them off that habit. there is also another about sex. have a search for the site...it is really helpful. I think I got it up typing NMAA only.<P>Now, I have also been there as far as seeing another person in our bed when we had sex, and it takes time, byt it can be overcome if you want it to be. They first thing i suggest, is that your kids CAN learn to sleep on their own. Read a book called Toddler Taming by Christopher Greene...he goes into detail about it.<P>Why do this? Well, how are you gonna give the sex thing a chance if you are in separate beds? <P>You need to discuss your concerns about your feelings regarding A with H. Tell him you now want to meet that need, but there is a block because of OW. Ask him to reassure you, to go slow, and to allow you to grieve about this. It IS a grieving process, we are mourning the man we thought we knew.<P>The next thing I found helped me a lot was that I made a totally conscious decision to NOT think about OW...every time, even during the day, I thought about her...I would say "I will NOT let that woman ruin this wonderful day." "I will NOT let that woman come between my and my H when we make love." It is hard to do consistently, but after a while it becomes a habit. <P>Now, if you and H are willing to work onthe marriage, the third thing you MUST do is let the A's go..it happened and nothing is ever gonna change that. Let go, TRULY let go, and then you will find the path to forgiveness. And BTW, until I decided to forgive, totally, and with no buts, I was paralysed, and dominated by the A's. I did it, and it was so freeing FOR ME...the world was a better place to me then. I felt better, because it was not between us anymore as an invisible wedge.<P>Anyway, I am going on and on...but I hope I helped a little.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Jacky,<BR>thank you for your kind words. I wish that you were here every time I needed a pep talk. I find it hard to respond on the computer. Talking has always helped me. I am glad that you overcame your H's A. I do not see that happening in the near future for me. He told me that he needs sex. That is his only need but at this point I feel like I cannot give it to him & so the story goes. He already told me that he will do it again if he has to go with out it for a long period of time. I feel like I have a gun to my head.

Wow Bula [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<P>That is SSSSSSSOOOOOOO bad...he is threatening you now? Not good.<P>My H, at the end said he didn't trust himself NOT to have more A's so I know how you feel.<P>I wish I coud say more to you...I know you don't want to do his No.1 need, but if you want your marriage, you will have to fake it for a time...ew I know that sounds BAD. But sometimes making the initial effort can pay off.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Jacky,<BR>Can you come over? I need a hug & a kind sholder to cry on! LOL!<BR>Gail

Darlin'<P>Here's a cyberhug for you<P>((((((((((Bula)))))))))))))))))<P>Please take care of yourself hon!<P>Love and light,<P>jacky

Bula ~ I'm sorta in your shoes.<P>My almost 1 year old little princess is still totally breastfed. H and I have been struggling to get her onto solids with a lot of resistance from her.<P>We have discovered that while she claws almost anything out of her mouth of nutritional value - she just LOVES tortilla chips. Go figure. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Anyway, as with our other 2 children, she slept in our bed from day 1. (Well, we were separated for the first six months of her life so she slept in MY bed, in which H was a frequent visitor!) <P>My boys were fairly easy to get out of the bed. Once they started solids, and got pretty big, I'd nurse them in bed, then move them to a bed on the floor next to me once they went to sleep. <P>From there, it wasn't too hard to get them into their own rooms and beds.<P>BUT the princess has other ideas. Every time I tried to move her - her eyes would pop open and howls would ensue. She's fighting solids and nursing almost all night long because she's so hungry.<P>So, since she's too big and causes too much interference in our marital bed - we have moved her to her own bed; a twin mattress on the floor in her own room. I only nurse her there. And so yes, I end up sleeping many hours of the night in there with her.<P>And yep, its an intimacy problem. My H has started calling her BC for "Birth Control".<P>But we've been pretty creative. We make a point of going to bed together at night. Usually the baby has gone to sleep earlier, and I've gotten up to spend quiet time with my H. When she cries, I get up and go to her, usually sleeping for a few hours...but I've trained myself to wake up and go back to my own bed. <P>It's good for her to learn slwoly to sleep on her own...and I need the time with my H. And there's benefits....last night when I crept into bed at 3am....I had a lovely surprise for my H which he was pleasantly happy to wake up too! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I also make a point of spending at least half an hour in the morning before the morning rush routine has to start....just snuggling with H...or whatever else gets started!!<P>It just means making physical contact with my H a priority, and looking for opportunitys to grab it. It's been exhausting, but its working. It does help that my H is very supportive of the physical/emotional benefits of nursing, and he's actively involved in trying to get her to eat.<P>I hope this helps. Take a look at what you can do so that everyone involved gets at least part of what they need [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Bramblerose,<BR>Thank you for your incouraging words. Maybe there is hope for me yet.Now I am batteling another war. The war of emagination! My husband has had 2 very long affairs. I now have a 3rd party in bed with us whenever we manage to be in bed together. I know that the affairs happened because of the lack of contact between us but I am having a very hard time fixing it. I can't seem to forgive him. I'm not so sure he truely understands how much he has hert me. I keep asking myself, if the shoe was on the other foot would he be so forgiving. I don't think that he would.