The last couple of nights I have really tried to hear what my H is saying. I know that one of his biggest EN is the physical asspects of the marriage (sex)<P>We talked on Friday evening, but during the discussion he also turned on the CB answered some of the people on there. Walked away from the table and logged on the the computer.<P>When I said, I thought we were sitting and having a nice coversation. His reply was "Well I guess that I am just like a woman I can do more then one thing at a time" <P>This is not a line that I use, but is something I have heard from him repeatedly through the marriage.<P>I tried to brush it off with a laugh and say, But I want your undivided attention honey. His reply was "Well I don't get that from you"<P>So didn't take it personal (even though I had been sitting at the table listening to him before that)<P>When we went to bed he wanted to be physical, I ended up with a coughing spell and then sick.( looking at myself, was this on purpose because I was not feeling like my needs were being met?)<P>Saturday night he talked at great lenght about how homesick he was, and how much he really missed just getting out and away from people. Then went and logged onto the computer and went to a Chat area.<P>Anyways, I turned off the TV, grabbed my coat..said COME ON....wouldn't tell him where or anything.<P>Stopped at the party store and picked up a 6pack, drove down a dirt road and took him to one of our "wilder" metro parks. Took the blanket out of the car, put it under a tree and proceeded to seduce him. (not completely) but he sure was ready to head back to the house.<BR> <BR>The boys weren't here and my H likes the idea of me being nakid in the house, not just in the bedroom. So went into the bathroom and came out nakid.<P>He was on the CB. I picked up the mic and said "Sorry boys H is all done playing with you because now he is gonna come play with me" (again something he likes)(shows the guys he is "THE MAN")<P>When I put the mic down he picked it up and called for one of the other CBers (female) and had this long conversation about some CB parts she wanted that he had.<P>I ended up feeling extremely exposed emotionally and rejected. Looked at him and said...."good night" <P>When he came in the room, he was angry, when I tried to say that I felt like the CB came before me and I felt rejected. His response was to look at the ceiling roll his eyes throw up his hands and say "I ****ing give up"<P>WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING WRONG?<P>-KAT-<BR>ps: ANNA we did the emotional needs questionaire today. WOW!! now I have no idea where I stand because he is saying maybe he needs to get a place of his own.<BR>I have another thread going on Resolving Conflict : Immature Husband, which gives a lot more insight to the complexities of our marriage

Kat,<P>First, I'm bumping this up it'll get more attention for others to respond.<P>Well, the good thing is he did do the emotional needs questionnaire. I think if he were totally uninterested he wouldn't even be doing that. Did you guys go over your needs together? I think your marriage is salvagable. You just have to have patience. Read all the information you can. Make the changes you need to change to better yourself and sometimes those changes will automatically rub off on him and he too will want to make changes. Goodluck and keep us informed.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA

Anna,<P>According to the EN form I am meeting all my H's needs. <P>So not sure how much good that did.<P>Yesterday was really nasty and I think I kind of blew it towards the end of the conversation. By yelling at him, I did appologize tell him that it was inappropriate and I would really try and control that more. grrrrrr this is not an easy thing.<P>He did say that all the EN form did was convince him that he really shouldn't be with anyone at all that he should be alone.<P>I asked him if that was what he wanted. Reply "I don't know" I told him that I really didn't believe he wanted to be alone because if that was the case he wouldn't work so hard to form friendships. That he just didnt' have as much NEED for people to be around as some others did.<P>He has **joked** for the last week about Maybe he should just get a place of his own. When I asked him Directly if that is what he wanted to do or if that was what he was planning on doing he sain "NO" GEEEZ I was just joking. **sigh** He doesnt' see that as threatening or upsetting he sees that as me not having a sense of humor.<P>-Kat-

I think I am talkin to myself here, but going to post anyways,<P>H's grandma in Hawaii died today, he is of course very depressed, I tried to hug him he didn't want that (which is fine that is what I need in grief but not necessarily him) <P>I sat and tried to talk to him (non judgementally) and all he kept saying is I just don't want to be here. ( I heard I don't want to be here with you) but didn't react just said OK, so what is it you want to do about it?<P>His response was there is nothing I can do I am trapped I don't have the balls to pull the ****ing trigger.<P>Tried to talk to him about that fact that it takes more guts to stay alive and live through the pain. NO LUCK.<P>His first reaction to the news was to grab a beer out of the fridge, then another one, then the Southern Comfort and announce I am going to get trashed. (this is how he deals with grief).<P>My problem here is I am really having to work on having any sympathy for him. I feel I didn't get the suport from him through the death of my sister,best friend, and mother (all lost in 8 months time).<P>So, am having to bite my tongue.<P>Not sure what I am looking for other then some insites. Maybe a pat on the back...OH HELL I DON'T KNOW.....JUST know I am crying and feeling like a complete failure right now.<P>-Kat-

((((((((((((((((Kat)))))))))))))))))))))<P>I am sorry for your pain, and all that is happening to you.<P>My H also said he is trapped, well I told him that I couldn't look at his sad face anymore, and to think about what he would do...so he left.<P>I wish that I had never pushed it, I think we could have worked on it more.<P>Maybe you need to stop asking him about it...it won't make it go away, but it will stop you getting hurt all the time.<P>I dunno, I know this isn't good advice, I just would love to take your pain away.<P>(((((((((((((((((Kat))))))))))))))<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Nina,<P>Thank you for your input, but tonight he isn't talking about leaving me. He is talking about death.<P>He is saying things like,"I am going to get totally trashed and pray and if there is a God at all he will see to it that I don't ever wake up again"<P>I talked to him about taking some anti-depressants. His reply is they won't work.<P>I talked to him about counsiling...his reply is That won't work.<P>I keep trying to Plan A. but I am not very hopeful, with the mind set that he has, and after tonight I am wondering if I am going to be a widow instead of Divorced.<P>-Kat-