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#705810 10/14/01 04:38 PM
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Mitzi Offline OP
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Just curious!<P>Who here actually tried Plan A for the amount of time that the Harley's recommend (which is about 6 months, I believe)? <P>Mitz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#705811 10/14/01 05:02 PM
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Well, yeah, okay, I **tried** but was dismally poor at it, considering the amount of time I spent here trying to get it right. ALTHOUGH, the fact that I was here so much had something to do with it too, since the very few hours I did have with my (then)H were spent on the computer. <P>However, I <B>now</B> Plan A my current H for no darned good reason [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img], except that I love him and want to build a rock-solid marriage.<P>I DO believe in MB... I just know that when infidelity enters the picture, it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to move past it, even with a pristine Plan A -- but -- it's the only thing that will work, as far as I can see. Unless, of course, you're willing to swallow every bit of pride and pretend you feel nothing. Now that would be very against MB principles, since it's totally dishonest.<P>SO.... in short..... (yeah, right! LOL) MB concepts work, and they work best if you use them BEFORE you have problems.

#705812 10/14/01 05:04 PM
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Me. It worked. I'd already been separated 9 months, but already instinctively doing alot of plan A. I plan A'd after finding MB and starting counseling with Steve Harley for 6 months, starting with a false recovery, filing for divorce a second time, and now in a real recovery.<P>H moved home August 1 after 18 months of separation and starting the divorce twice.<P>Actually, after 3 months of plan A while supposedly in recovery, Steve told me to divorce and go to plan B. I did do the divorce, but went plan A with the intention of having a workable parenting relationship.<P>The MBs principles work. Steve is awesome. Oh and working a 12 step program along with practicing plan A has made me into someone I like and respect. I do still struggle with self-esteem issues as a result of my H's A....but not nearly as badly as I might have been without plan A and my 12 steps. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

#705813 10/14/01 05:21 PM
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Hi there Mitzi,<P>Yep, I'm a plan Aer. I was already doing it before I found this site also. After d-day it only took two months for my W to move out. So okay it hasn't saved the marriage but the marriage certainly isn't over yet. To let you know, my wife even said what I was doing (they shouldn't know) was making it so hard for her to leave. The hardest thing for her was that she was seeing why she had married me in the first place so she felt so torn between s.o.b. and me. I really think she has left because it was so hard for her to take. The other benefit is that her last memories of us together are REALLY good ones. Now that she is with s.o.b. he is naturally going to make mistakes and here I am looking good as gold. It also is really helpful in making yourself a better person/spouse. So even if it doesn't work out you know you did everything you could to save the marriage in a positive way and should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud. Take care. Read the recovery section of the forum. There are many success stories there.<P>Stay Strong.

#705814 10/14/01 06:06 PM
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GG,<P>I wasn't asking about Plan A because I was using it myself! LOL I did Plan A for a long time and now I'm divorced. <P>I was just curious as to how many here actually try to Plan A before jumping to divorce. It seems that that happens a lot anymore. People are too quick to give up. <P>If my ex hadn't been an abusive alcoholic, I think that doing things "The Harley Way" probably would have helped to save a good marriage, but I didn't have that. <P>I am ok and content. I know that my Plan A made me into a better person and now that I know how to have a good relationship, my next one will be better! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#705815 10/14/01 06:29 PM
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Hi Mitzi, I also did the plan A, 2 times in 4 years and It just might have worked eventually if my XXXXXXXXXXX H had not been such a lying,manipulative,abusive,alcoholic... It took me sooooo long to give up, but I tried through 2 affairs to give him time to fall out of love with the others, and decide to work on us,,,but he never did completely end contact with either woman, and when I saw him schmoozing his way into a new womans life, I had to make my tough love stand... Yupo, I found out that "Mr Ugly" was just never going to be the father and husband that he claimed to be. Like MB says, sticking in there gives you time to fall out of love with your WS also, and makes the end easier than leaving before you really know what you will not be missing.. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

#705816 10/14/01 10:48 PM
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Hey yes!<P>What was your name before the problems with the forum? LOL Ok, now I see it! LOL Hi lizam! <P>Anyone else truly attempt Plan A? I know it's hard but it does help!!<P>Mitz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

#705817 10/14/01 11:30 PM
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Been at it for almost 3 years now.

#705818 10/14/01 11:40 PM
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Because you are the King of Plan A, Chris! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#705819 10/15/01 12:17 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):<BR><STRONG>Been at it for almost 3 years now.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, I am just about 3rd weeks into plan A w/ MB principal. I will not take 3 years. I will not even let it pass new year. The moment D is signed, I am in plan C right away ... run like hell and never look back.

#705820 10/15/01 12:34 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by redhat:<BR><STRONG><P>Wow, I am just about 3rd weeks into plan A w/ MB principal. I will not take 3 years. I will not even let it pass new year. The moment D is signed, I am in plan C right away ... run like hell and never look back.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The idea of MB principles is to make sure you don’t have regrets and you do what you need to, to get through all this.<P>“run like hell and never look back“ will ensure you gain nothing from what happened.

#705821 10/15/01 09:31 AM
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Mitzi Offline OP
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Just bumping this to the top for the ones who didn't see it over the weekend! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#705822 10/15/01 09:38 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):<BR><STRONG><P>“run like hell and never look back“ will ensure you gain nothing from what happened.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't suppose you could bop on over to that other thread and write this, couldya??<P>You are so right!!<P>What I don't get, and maybe it's just because I am a romantic fool when it comes to notions of love, but I will **never** feel regret for marrying my ex. I was married to him for 20 years for a reason, and to not have given it my all is an insult to him and to our marriage.<P>Truthfully, yes, I did run like hell, but not until after I'd done all I could to restore the marriage. I look back all the time, trying to learn from my mistakes.<P>Chris. I've always said you are a saint. <P>Mitz, great topic here.

#705823 10/15/01 09:46 AM
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Mitzi Offline OP
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Sheryl,<P>Ya know, I may get angry sometimes about how my marriage turned out. BUT I will never regret marrying my ex either. I married him because I loved him and together we had 3 beautiful sons. And believe it or not, I do still care about what happens to him. When I see him and notice how hard the drinking and drugs have been on his health, it makes me sad. He's only 34 and if he doesn't get help, he may not live to see 50. <P>And I never gave up on him or our marriage. He was the one who did that. And because of that marriage, I became the person I am today. I can't regret that!<P>Mitz [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ October 15, 2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

#705824 10/15/01 10:12 AM
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Hi, Queen of Caerlon!<P>I plan A'd instinctively and with the guidance of my wonderful counselor. It really did make me a better person. I still sort of plan A the man. I want him to know what kind of wonderful woman he left. I've been at it now for 6 years. <P>In all honesty, I do avoid contact with him but when I have contact I do my best to make it Plan A material. Now, if he's being really ugly, and this is usual, it has to be Plan B from me.<P>This man is the father of my children and they need to know and love him. And we have to be a team so I need to look as wonderful in his eyes as possible. He needs to know that his children have the greatest mother even if he hates me. And I love the fact that sometimes he can't handle my being nice.

#705825 10/15/01 11:46 AM
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I did try to Plan A and it seemed like it was working, but STBX felt his friend across the street is more important. I was dealing with coming out of a severely emotionally abusive situation and probably wasn't sure all the time what I was doing, but I sure know that what was wrong with the marriage could have been repaired, just a lot of work and counseling, parenting classes, etc. It was easier for STBX to walk off.<P>Now I am finding that my efforts at Plan Aing are backfiring in court, it is being said that since I never reported the physical abuse on the kids, it didn't happen. That because I kept trying to stay involved with STBX that I wasn't abused and that his final rejection just made me angry and that was why I was filing for a restraining order. My Plan B "no contact" letter is being brought up in court as even though I ask for no contact, it also states how sorry I was for my part in the marriage's problems. <P>Yes, Plan A works, there's been many wonderful success stories of how people come through this and are better people whether their relationship worked out or not. Plan B works too, when it is finally aparent that the only thing that is healthy for all involved is to have no contact. I tried that and STBX would just come to the house whenever he felt like it and stir the girls and I up... with his past abuses, none of us want him around, we certainly don't trust him, and yes, the distance of a temporary restraining order has helped us tremendously!<P>We still have to deal with the hatred of the across the street neighbor. He has actually been the cause of more problems within the marriage and the separation than STBX has. I do feel that when STBX talked about coming home, he meant it, but was talked out of it by A-T-S-N. At this point, I don't hate my STBX, I do worry about him, but the A-T-S-N is kind of hard to deal with... I do wish he'd get what he deserved for his actions in all of this.<P>yes, I continue to Plan A, because I am trying to be a better person and parent. STBX can run away from what he did and he'll always have that to deal with. <P>Lori

#705826 10/15/01 11:58 AM
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I found MB in July of 99 D day for me. It was here I learned about plan A and immediately implemented it. My H responded very well. After 2 mos of seperation he returned home. I cont to plan A the next 8 mos. Sometime the following May he started to read about MB. Instead of taking it that I had learned a good thing he took it that me being nice and understanding was all just a game. Needless to say 1 month later came affair number 2. This time I went to plan B and was divorced 4 months later. <BR>If I had to do it all over again I can't say I would plan A again at least not to the extent I did. I am by nature a forgiving person so it was a very natural plan for me to follow. I did though start to feel like I was just a damn fool and that I was really getting taken advantage of. I myself felt much better with plan B. <P>Jill

#705827 10/16/01 12:30 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):<BR><STRONG><P>&#8220;run like hell and never look back&#8220; will ensure you gain nothing from what happened.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understood MB very well but I am not willing to suffer too long in plan B (very short time limit). It is very minor work for me in plan A, I don't drink, don't smoke, don't stray and the missing EN is W top's but the easiest for me to fill in. W now is very confused and I saw regret on her eye from time to time when the fog clears up a bit.<BR>I agree as you that I do not want to regret it later ... see my signature's quotation below

#705828 10/15/01 06:52 PM
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Mitzi Offline OP
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Thanks to all who responded so far! <P>As you will notice, in my question, I asked who "tried" to plan A. I know it's extremely difficult! I didn't do a perfect job at it either! But I had lots of help from the people here. They became my cheerleaders! LOL <P>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

#705829 10/15/01 06:57 PM
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I did...I plan A'd. I tried it for almost a full year. It was hard!!! I did the best I could at it, but know I did fail many times.<P>At first, my H seemed to respond some. But he went into a "I have my cake and can eat it too" mode. I felf like he was using me. Also, he thought it was just a "put on." He didn't believe I could ever really change. I went into Plan B around Christmas 2000.<P>Looking back, I think in my case anyway, I should have just kicked him out the door the first day. I think it would have woken him up. He's still somewhat in the fog.<P>But who knows really. Neither Plan A nor Plan B affected him in any way I could see. It did, however, affect me. I think (and hope) I've become a better person all around for learning these principles....for any relationship. And now I am no longer in love with him, thanks to Plan B. <P>Anyway, count me in as one who definately tried.<P>Aloha,<BR>Ms.O

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