Hi,<BR>Well here is another update on my new relationship. <BR>Where do I start. I am fairly happy with how it is going. We have a great time together,sex is great ect. I am though finding myself repeating the same patterns I did with my ExH. I am too giving and to accomodating. Like I had said before he is still living with his EX until her house is done. Then they will share the kids. At first she was all for him having a girlfriend. That is until her relationship went south. Now she is talking about reconciliation ect. He says no way but I truely wonder if that is how he feels. Lets face it we would all like to get our old lives back once in awhile now wouldn't we? <BR>All his friends say he is so much better off without her. That she was very cruel to him ect. I can still see that he is still in some ways whipped by her. That bothers me alot. His close friends say they can see just how much he has changed since he has met me. He has more confidance in himself and will tell his EX where to go now. But when it comes to the kids when she barks he is right there. I really have to wonder why I chose to stay totally single for 1 year to get my head together ect just to really fall for someone with alot of crap going on. I am by nature a caregiver and maybe that is part of my attraction to him. I'm just really confused. When I think about maybe cooling it with him for awhile I kind of almost panic because I really am starting to like him alot and don't want to lose him. I also wonder if alot of how I think things are as far as his ex and him go is my own fears run wild. I'm really trying to just have fun with this relationship and am trying not to get to seriouse but it's hard. When you spend 17 years with one person its really hard to just have a casual relationship. <BR>I'm still in long term mode. <P>Another big thing is his kids. I know he misses them when we have our weekends together. They are very small, 2,3 and 7 and he is the primary caregiver. We have talked about having them with us once in awhile but I think its to early for that. I don't want to confuse them anymore than they are already confused. They know Daddy has a girl friend but that is all. At their ages they really don't understand girlfriend. <P>My kids really like him and think its great that I have someone. But then again my kids are 17,16 and 14 and know what I have been through. <P>Don't get me wrong I am happy just very confused right now. <P>Well I'd love your insight!<P>Next update in a week or so.<P>JIll

Take it easy Jill, you are right on the money when comes to his kid. Slow down and probably teach him about EN, LB and so on and bullet prove your relation. Tell him about your worries and make sure he understand you. Meanwhile have fun ... his x will be distance past.

Jilly,<P>This is easier said than done, but if it were me, I'd tell him that he needs to either have X make other living arrangements immediately, or he needs to temporarily find other living arrangements himself until she moves out. Whether this be with a friend or you or however you work it out. <P>If this can't be done then tell him you would like to wait until his life is less complicated and his x is out of the house. When she moves, he can call you. <P>If he goes back to her right now, it is going to break your heart, but I see you setting yourself up for major heartache later down the road on this one. I think stepping back and getting out of the picture for a few weeks, letting him see if he really doesn't want her back for sure, would be the best thing for you.<P>Take care, Jilly, and good luck with whatever decision you make.<P>ANNA

Redhat,<BR>I have been trying to explain MB to him ect.<BR>We are very open with eachother and I do tell him everything so that helps.<P><BR>Anna,<BR>You are right. I know I am probably setting myself up for heartache later. He has been staying with a friend since last Wed when his ex started to make the moves on him. I know this for sure because we stayed at his friends house and his stuff was there. <BR>He thinks he has it all under control. It's me that is not sure. I went through this twice before with my own ex and came out the loser the second time so I'm quite aware how fast things can change. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <BR>It does help me realize just how fast a person can get addicted to a person. I'm sure it comes with the new love thing but now I realize kind of how my EX felt with his new relationships. Not that he was right, I mean we were married but that new love feeling is like a drug. I live everyday for him to call me or me to call him ect. When I'm with him I feel like I'm 18 again. So is this real love? I'm not sure. Is it fair of me to continue to pursue this man if there is a chance that he can have his family back. I know by what everyone has told me that she is not the nicest person.She is selfish, lies and has cheated on him numerouse times. I also feel that she only wants him now because he found someone he really likes and she is feeling threatened. I think she always felt he would always be there for her when she wanted him. <P>You know most of the time I find myself hating women more and more. Not that men don't pull the same **** but women have a hard enough time in this world without totally screwing eachother. <BR>Oh well, I'm not in a very bright mood today anyway I have the flue so that maybe not helping how I feel either [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<P>Jill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jillybean36:<BR>I am though finding myself repeating the same patterns I did with my ExH. I am too giving and to accomodating. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B> Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!</B><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>At first she was all for him having a girlfriend. That is until her relationship went south. Now she is talking about reconciliation ect. He says no way but I truely wonder if that is how he feels. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B><I>Warning! Danger, Will Robinson, danger!</B></I><P>Sorry for the flippant tone, but I'm hoping you realize what a precarious position you're in. You say you're too accomodating; you have a tough time keeping a relationship casual; you're seeing a man whose ex hasn't detached from him. This sounds like a recipe for dating disaster. Please be extremely careful.

Jilly,<P>Boy I'm just pokin my nose in all over the place tonight. But I have to agree with Dabigtrain.<P>Only my warning signals are **she cheated on him several times**<P>WHY????? we have all learned that we have to take part of the responsibility for the things that happen in the marriage. Was he not meeting needs that she had? and If not what were those needs? Does he realize them?<P>Careful Jilly<P>-Kat-

Good point Kat,<P>We all know it wasn't just one person who caused the cheating.<P>Jilly, Be careful!<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

HI All,<BR>Yes [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] you guys are ALL right. If I were to respond to someone that had just written what I did I would tell them the same thing. <BR>I have done alot of thinking last night and have decided to play it cool for awhile with him. It isn't going to be easy but I need to do this before it gets out of hand. Maybe I'm still just not ready yet to deal with a relationship. Maybe I should just find someone who doesn't have a EX wife and three small kids [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I do feel better about myself now though. I again know I am still attractive and can still boil some blood [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img].<BR>I felt so unattractive after the divorce and so unwanted. Ever since I had started to date again I have felt so much better about myself and it must show because I have been asked out a number of times the past month. <BR>So where do I go now. I still really like **** and am not going to totally blow off this relationship but I'm going to take the next couple of weeks to really rethink it all. We won't see eachother now until a week from Friday so that should give me time to really think things through. I know there are many other fish in the sea I just happen to always catch the same kind.<P>Jill

Wow Jill!<P>To someone who waited from someone who didn't, it almost seems like the same dating problems come up whether you thought you dealt with them or not (I've found out I'm DEFINITELY still a conflict-avoider, so much for thinking otherwise *g*)<P>You can check out my posts in Emotional Needs and D/D if you want to see how things have moved from the first few weeks of dating my current boyfriend up through now (at five months) ... still a lot of hard work but I'm happier than ever so, I'm pretty sure it's worth it!<P>We both have kids and ex's to deal with too.

Jilly,<P>I realize the need for sexual fullfillment..<BR>but maybe try A No Sex Rule For Awhile--<BR>with this man..see how he responds..<P>I hate to say it but these are some of the first things that popped out at me in your post --<P>*the "SEX IS GREAT" --<P>*I am though finding myself repeating the<BR>same patterns I did with my ExH. <P>*I am too giving and to accomodating."<P>okay, Now look back at how you felt about yourself when your spouse cheated on you..<BR>And you will see how he has felt about himself..<P>Worthless<BR>Betrayed<BR>unimportant<BR>Hopeless<BR>Helpless<BR>Confused<BR>unattractive<P><BR>Have you both come to the point where you are content being alone??<P>Where you actually like yourself again without being "connected" with someone else?<P>Does He find his confidence in you? Meaning that if you weren't there for him would he still have that same self-confidence?? or would he go running back to her or even someone else to make him feel important?? <P>And do you find yours in him?? meaning that if he weren't there you'd feel worthless and unimportant again??<P>Or do you both really understand that you are important and have self worth just because you of who you are??<P>Are you both feeling happy now just because your having great sex together? What if there were no sex in the relationship, and you were just friends?? Would it last? Or would you both go running to someone else to meet that need?? <P>If he felt that you'd never see him again would he go back and try and make things work between he and his ex?? <P>if you weren't so accomadating as you have said..would he go back to her? <P>would he say, You know we could try dating again and see how it goes..and watch her actions..to see if she has changed..and learn to trust her again..<P>Would he move back in with her right away even though they are divorced? <P>If she hasn't changed and the only reason she's wanting him back is because she feels<BR>threatened and was dumped by her OM..will she do it again when someone else comes along? Or would she stay and work it out? He needs to look at if and how she has changed as well..and really watch her actions..and not just listen to the words..Is she just missing the sexual fulfillment bacause she's not in a relationship?? Or does she really want to work on getting back together to make the marriage work 100%??<P>You can't answer the questions for him or her, only for yourself..but, you can pose them to him..and he can ask himself..and her..and you step out of the picture and allow them to decide is best for them..<BR>without you there...<P>That to me shows maturity and love..to love someone enough to allow them to make those choices on their own..to be adult enough to accept responsiblity for your own decisions<BR>good or bad..and to accept what they decide to do..and not be angry at them for it..but to respect them more because of it..<P>So my suggestion is for you if you really care about this man then take a step back..and allow him to make the choice for himself..and accept whatever he decides is best for him...you can't force him in either direction..just let him know that whatever he decides you will support him..

Thorned Rose,<BR>You make great points. I have decided to step back and let things fall as they may. <P>Yes, he does have some major decisions to make. As do I. When I said the sex is great it was more of me just being smart. While the sex is great we have even slept together nights with no sex so that isn't all we are both looking for. <P>I feel very good about myself right now and even though it would hurt for awhile without him it wouldn't crush me. Hey its only been 5 weeks. I lived through a marriage breakup of 17 years and survived to become a better person. I have issues yet from the divorce who of us don't and won't always have some issues. <P>One thing I feel bad about is his little babies. He is really close to them and I don't want to jeopardize his relationship with them. He has them now but that could change if his Ex gets angry. I personaly won't put my kids second to him so I can't expect him to do likewise. <P>I'm not a fool either. I know that this "in love feeling" isn't going to last forever and I'm in no hurry to make anymore long term committments. I just find myself being really connected to this man. More than I have ever felt with anyman. This is just to confusing [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]. Sometimes I wish I had just left well enough alone and not gone out with him the second time. But then again I think about what our future holds and how if I don't take chances my life is going to end up being safe but pretty unfulfilling. <BR>So anyway that is where I stand right now. I am going to let him take the time to really decide where he wants to go. In the mean time my busy life will go on. Hey I work 2 full time jobs and have three teenagers, 3 dogs a pregnant cat, 2 parakeets and 2 aquariums of fish and a beta and 3 guppys in bowels. I think my life is pretty full.<P>NIOL,<BR>I'm glad to see that you and your new boyfriend have really come along ways. Gives me some hope.<P>JIll

Thorned Rose,<BR>You make great points. I have decided to step back and let things fall as they may. <P>Yes, he does have some major decisions to make. As do I. When I said the sex is great it was more of me just being smart. While the sex is great we have even slept together nights with no sex so that isn't all we are both looking for. <P>I feel very good about myself right now and even though it would hurt for awhile without him it wouldn't crush me. Hey its only been 5 weeks. I lived through a marriage breakup of 17 years and survived to become a better person. I have issues yet from the divorce who of us don't and won't always have some issues. <P>One thing I feel bad about is his little babies. He is really close to them and I don't want to jeopardize his relationship with them. He has them now but that could change if his Ex gets angry. I personaly won't put my kids second to him so I can't expect him to do likewise. <P>I'm not a fool either. I know that this "in love feeling" isn't going to last forever and I'm in no hurry to make anymore long term committments. I just find myself being really connected to this man. More than I have ever felt with anyman. This is just to confusing [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]. Sometimes I wish I had just left well enough alone and not gone out with him the second time. But then again I think about what our future holds and how if I don't take chances my life is going to end up being safe but pretty unfulfilling. <BR>So anyway that is where I stand right now. I am going to let him take the time to really decide where he wants to go. In the mean time my busy life will go on. Hey I work 2 full time jobs and have three teenagers, 3 dogs a pregnant cat, 2 parakeets and 2 aquariums of fish and a beta and 3 guppys in bowels. I think my life is pretty full.<P>NIOL,<BR>I'm glad to see that you and your new boyfriend have really come along ways. Gives me some hope.<P>JIll

Jilly,<P>Maybe you and I should get together and form our own zoo.<P>I have 3 dogs, 2 cats (just found homes for the 3 kittens)a skunk 2 teenage boys and a daughter in college. (might I add all in a 12 x 60 mobile home.) <P>Privacy??? what is that?<P>LOL<P>-Kat-

Kat,<BR>A skunk! That should be interesting! I used to have 5 mice but they died of old age this year.<P>I always tell people that if they see me becoming one of those people who have hundreds of animals in their house to please just take me away.<P>Jill