well... found out the tack that STBX and his attorney are going to use in court about the restraining order and the custody of the children.<P>In my deposition of why I wanted a restraining order, it was made very clear by STBX's attorney that since I never called Child Protective Services that there was no abuse happening, that my allegations of mental and verbal abuse were only because I was angry. That since the mediator (who recommended sole custody to me with only telephone visitation with their father) and the counselor haven't contacted CPS, there was no abuse done. <P>Today, STBX's attorney subpeoned my medical records as they are going to the 2 different times I took Paxil as an antidepressant during the times STBX wanted divorce as proof I am an unfit mother. <P>Because of my time spent with Plan A and trying to reconcile my marriage, they feel I wasn't afraid of STBX... so that now that I am asking for a restraining order it is out of pure spite. <P>That the guy I am dating and the girls adore, did drugs in his past but has been totally clean for over 2 years, and is therefore a horrible human being, yet STBX, who currently uses drugs, is OK. That something I did in my life before I even met my STBX is being pulled up and reviewed.<P>How does one find any peace of mind when everything they feel or know is being turned into a moot point? I hurt now and know it is only going to get worse before it is all over. STBX is trying to drain me emotionally and financially... why is it when one *finally* stands up and says "NO" do the controllers decide it is time to destroy them? <P>Sorry, guess I am venting.<P>Lori

bangara,<BR>Venting is good, especially here where you can get positive feed back. Even negative feed back can work in positive ways.<P>I am sorry but don't know your story, how old are your kids, can they make depositions? <P>What are your attorneys plans to counteract his attorney?<P>And Controllers attempt to destroy what they can no longer control, that is how they operate, it keeps them in control.<P>-Kat-

Bangarra,<P>You can have your attorney contact your counselor as well, and counteract this by<BR>getting him/her give their depostion saying that you have recieved help for post tramatic stress disorder..(yes..that is what it is called, per my counselor) and that if you are still in counseling then it shows you are working through these things..and if you are no longer in counselling the state of mind you were in at the time of counselling..and that the anti-depressants were prescripted to help you because your brain was not producing the right amounts of chemicals to function correctly in times of stress..(per my medical doctor --not something that they can really use against you..because it was a medical condition) <P>and yes, it sounds as if he is still trying to control you..by emotional abuse. Not sure when you met w/ the mediator, but if it was recent..have them contact the cps. and since you are no longer in that situation..they can't remove your children..but if he gets custody and continues to abuse them..then he can have them removed..<P>And as far as your not having a fear of your spouse..your attorney can ask you why you felt the need to stay with your spouse..and<BR>you can answer honestly..that you had hoped that he would change (go to counseling with you) and that despite the abuse, you still loved this man..and wanted a whole/healthy loving family for your children..but that you have since come to accept the fact that it isn't going to happen..<P>And as far as your b/f's prior use of drugs..<BR>thats the key there..it's prior, he's recieved the help he needed and has learned a healthy way to handle his problems, that he no longer feels the need to hide out behind the use of drugs..<P>And as far as finding peace of mind through it all..Learning to trust God more completely has helped me..I notice though that when I take my eye's off of God..and start looking at all the garbage laid out before me..I get overwhelmed..<P>read John Chapter 14..<BR>Psalm 25 and 27<BR>and Isaiah 54

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. I went in to a counselor today to work on my isues of abuse and she is definitely filing against STBX with CPS. My attorney is filing a protective order to back off STBX's attorney, too. <P>I started figuring out I am going to be OK with this when I walked out to take some garbage out and found STBX across the street again. In the company truck and after 3 plus hours can hear from the yells and howls that they are all drunk. Guess A-T-S-N's wife quit her job today, so they are celebrating. That means that during the day when I thought I had some respite from being "reported" on just opened up that she can give STBX a running total of when I leave the house and all. Kind of disappointing.<P>I go back into the counselor's tomorrow and she will set me up with books to read and some sort of plan to work through the emotional and verbal abuse I have put up with for so long. Kind of felt good to just let it all spew out and not be judged on every statement I made.<P>Thorned Rose... I mentioned to my attorney your thoughts and she had already come to the same conclusion. I'm trying to reconnect and at times it really is hard; tonight with him across teh street after knowing what he has been doing is definitely testing my patience.<P>Have a good night everyone, I am going to try and read and relax a bit.<P>Lori

Lori,<P>I can recommend a few books (see if counselor agrees)<P>1. Beauty for Ashes Receiving Emotional Healing) Joyce Meyer<P>2. The Verbally Abusive Relationship -<BR>Patricia Evans (haven't read but have read excerpts)<P>3. Boundries - McLoud, and Townsend<P>4. The Dance of Anger (don't know the author and I gave the book to a friend)<P>5. Healing for Damaged Emotions -<BR> David A. Seamands<P>6. Toxic Parents<P>This one is more geared towards past sexual abuse..but I think its really wonderful for any type of abuse...<P>7. The Wounded Heart - Dr. Dan B. Allender..<P>Those are just a few..that have been extremely helpful for me..<P>I read Boundries last which was problably a good thing because it kind of showed me how to put into practice the other information..it took some internal healing before I could just understand how to set appropriate boundries..<P>Hope these help..let me know which books your<BR>counselor recommends..

The " Dance of Anger" is by Harriet Lerner. She has a series of " Dance of..." books, they are OUTSTANDING.<P> Dan

Thanks Dan...<P>thats the only one my counselor had suggested I read in the dance series..<P>And as I read some of the others I gave her the list of them..and told her in what areas they helped me..so that she could recommend them to others, who were struggling in some<BR>of the same areas..because I know they can't<BR>keep up on ALL the books that are out there..<BR>even though they may try..

Any thoughts?<P>Yes, read the Patricia Evans book. In order to stop abuse (and to fix yourself) I believe you have to understand it. She does a very nice job in that book. It helped me enormously - I finally feel sane again.<P>Anne

Thanks for the book list! Counselor said the Evans book is a must read, was interested in the abuse site of Dr. Irene's, and told me that you all on the MB forum are GREAT PEOPLE! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>She did call and report STBX to CPS yesterday, and asked me a few pointed questions about STBX and said he is a classic Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that their is no medication for it, it was ingrained in him at a very young age. That no matter how I could have tried, he really doesn't have any empathy or deign to realize that others exist if he doesn't need them. Kind of like the one post here on MB where the guy talks about sociopaths... kind of eye opening.<P>Anyway, I feel better and hope to start working steadily on getting "myself" back. I was told I should have reported STBX as a DUI when he left last night, still wonder if the City would like to know that it's employee drives it's vehicle around impared on personal business? The world rules according to STBX say that it is just fine.<P>Lori<P> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Lori,<P>Yes the City would like to know those things..and he could lose his job..<P>The down side to that..is would he pay child support, at least now he has a job..and it<BR>can be taken directly from his check..to be paid to you..so that would be up to you in what you want to do..<P>Lori, I'd also suggest that you contact a local womens shelter, and call around to some local churches..to see if they offer support groups..that can offer real support..not financial but emotional..so that you don't get into the same time of relationship again..because until we learn to change our<BR>thinking about ourselves..we will be easily manipulated into another abusive relationship..even if just out of loneliness<BR>or for financial reasons..<P>I fully understand how it is..and just trying to help you too..there are others here on the board who are also in the same prediciment..maybe we can all be another support group for each other...<P>B

hey lori,<P>i think it is a little harder to prove you unfit than bringing up thefact that you took Paxil, which by the way is a non-habit forming anti-depressant. anti-depressants don't make you unfit either. those idiots are just trying to scare you. it's a control thing that some people have... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]<P>i hope you have an attorney that can point out stbx's drug use if he is going to play ugly games like that. I hate that pot calling the kettle black crap...<P>if your kids want to be with you and he has no other amunition other than the paxil, he is just being the big one.. ya know [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<P>pray and trust God on this one. He always does what's best and He is the One who really knows the truth. <P>I hate these scheisty lawyers that will fight just to fight, no matter how rediculous it is. <P>I am praying with you...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>this is from me and God...<BR>Love Kim...

B,<P>Thanks... I know he could get in a lot of trouble about the city vehicle. I got talked to about stopping by my house for lunch when it was on my field route once. I will keep it for future reference as to how he figures rules are his to do with as he wants. Same as how he went against direct court orders and went to my younger daughter's school and tried to set himself up for field trips and as an emergency contact. Same as he's hidden money in places one wouldn't normally go looking for it, same as how he brought up my past before he came into my life and is trying to use that against me, too. <P>It was nice hearing from counselor that his personality disorder was one that I would NEVER be able to penetrate, he hit a positive on *every* indicator for NPD and one only needs 5 to be classified as such. So yes, he does have a mental condition, but it is one that can't be corrected with medication and he's too into himself to hear counseling.<P>I think that is one of the things I've always wondered about... would a MLC or a disorder straighten out and then I would feel more guilt that I proceeded with divorce rather than try to work it out. Finally, I know for sure there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done except make a lot of distance between us for the safety of myself and the children. that in itself may be one of the biggest steps in my healing process.<P>yes, I know there are many on the MB forum that are dealing with the same issues, or have dealt with them... reading some of those threads were what first made me question what actually was happeneing in my relationship and doing the research that has gotten me through to here. <P>It might be worthwhile to get a forum panel going for those of us dealing with relationship, divorce, and abuse issues. I have recently looked into the posts at Dr. Irene's site and found it to be very good. I think they also have a chat room for people to get together in "real" time. Her site is <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Irene's Abuse Page</A>for anyone who interested.<P>I plan on going to the support group given by the Coalition to End Domestic and Sexual Violence this evening. Been working on jobs the past few weeks, but tonight is MY time.<P>Lori [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Good For YOU GOING!!! That is wonderful!!!<P>It's also good to be in one for awhile..especially when you start dating again..yes, I know it will be awhile..but, you never know..<P>It will be scary to start to trust your instincts..because you've questioned them <BR>many times in the past..where in reality they<BR>were problably right..you just learned not<BR>to trust them..so now you get to learn something you should have learned years ago..<P>I've written some thoughts and comparisons of emotional growth and spiritual growth as I have been going through it- and it's helped me to process it in my own head..if any one is interested let me know..and I can maybe post that..for you...<P>And Lori, it doesn't matter you couldn't have helped him anyway..he has to want to change, <BR>and he probably could..but just doesn't want to--so Don't Blame yourself anyway..