I would particularly like to get men&#8217;s point of views on why men cheat. I truly need to understand this. Please revile why you cheated, if there are any cheaters out there. Woman&#8217;s point of views are always welcome but I really would like to hear it from a mans point of view. Woman & men are so opposite in their needs, I think! This will help me understand why my husband had his affairs.TIA!<BR>Bula<BR> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<P>[ October 16, 2001: Message edited by: bula ]<P>[ October 16, 2001: Message edited by: bula ]<p>[ October 16, 2001: Message edited by: bula ]

Hi Bula,<P>Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure you're gonna get many answers from the men on this board. Most of them have been cheated ON. Most of them want to save their marriages, not destroy them. And it's not a "blanket" presupposition that "men cheat" as your subject title implies. Women cheat too, even tho their needs, reasons, etc. might be different.<P>Just my opinion....<BR>Aloha,<BR>Ms.O

I apologize if I offended anybody by asking a mans point of view. I have been cheated on & I am trying to understand what drives a man to cheat. I was very surprised to hear that most of the men on this site have been cheated on. I&#8217;m new to this sight! I would never cheat on my husband. I would end the marriage if I were that unhappy.I guess I am not in the same predicament to judge. So again I apologize if I stereotyped the men. It wasn&#8217;t my intention; I just wanted to understand them better. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

i do not know i never have in 20 years and still have not being seperated for 6 months.

Hi bula,<P>Welcome to this site. I wish you never had to be here! (That's supposed to be a little funny) I have to agree with Ms. O, I for one am part of a very few men here, (I should be so lucky to be surrounded by so many beautiful women) and for all I know most of us are the ones who were cheated on. I can give you some help though. There is a really good book called "Surviving an Affair". I wish I knew the author but I snuck it into my wifes stuff as she moved out. The book in a very nonjudgemental way explains thoroughly why different kinds of affairs happen and covers in different sections men and women's affairs. It even goes into dividing up men's affairs into different kinds and what they mean and what you can do about them. I highly recommend it. When I gave the sections to my wife it was almost funny because some of the exact lines she gave me were right there in the book. I hope this helps. Take care and be strong.<P>Brandon

This is a female's answer - because I want to kill one of those "reasons" they use. I know there are exceptions, but...<P>It's rarely about sex. My stbx had a wonderful sex life for 22 years. My opinion is that we lost touch with each other, too busy with jobs and kids, and he turned to others for the emotional he thought wasn't there anymore. I'm not giving him an excuse - I think this is potentially how his brain worked, but I could be wrong and he's just the best lying, cheating actor in the world, because for 22 years I thought we had a wonderful marriage. I loved him very deeply - and gave up too much of myself to the marriage caring for him and our kids. I also figure his latest girlfriend must have more potential than all the others, since he's been wandering for at least 10 years and suddenly he walks.<P>There are as many reasons for why men and women cheat as there are different relationships.

Bula,<P>Well, I guess I had what some would call a revenge affair. I am an alcoholic, and was active in my addiction for most of our marriage. Our sex life was good enough to bring three children into this world, but the rest of the relationship was combative most of the time. Several years after I quit drinking, I found out that my ex was involved in an on going affair.<P>About the same time, ex's best girlfriend's husband was having a hot and heavy affair at work. I didn't set out to have an affair with her best girlfriend. At first we started comparing notes on infidelity, then we started sharing feellings. Then it happened one afternoon when we least expected it, we were both totally unprepared but we managed anyway. From that day forward, the idea of ever being faithful to a wife never entered my head. It went on for several years until she died of a massive stroke. By that time a total of six marriages related to the infidelity had ended in divorce. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] <P>What I did turned into a disaster, so I hope you will turn to professional advice. You're in the right place, the Harley's are the best. And hang in here with us, vent, share, swear, whatever you need to do. Pretty good group of folks here and very supportive.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goodguy:<BR><STRONG>There is a really good book called "Surviving an Affair". I wish I knew the author but I snuck it into my wifes stuff as she moved out. </STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HA HA! The author is our very own Willard F. Harley, the creator of the Marraige Builders site and his daughter. If you go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> (instead of just to this forum), you will find a WEALTH of information about marriage, affairs, etc. This forum is just one little part of a GREAT web site. <P>Check it all out....It really does add to your understanding as you approach the forum for discussion.<P>Aloha,<BR>Ms.O

Hi Bula,<P>My wife also said she would never cheat on her husband. She wrote this down and signed it and twp weeks later had an affair. We were newly married too.You explain that one to me?

Hi bula,<P>You ought to post your question over on the General Questions II board. There's a guy over there named sad_n_lonely aka SNL (mbr #9983) who is a male WS. Warning....most of his posts run 1000's of words.....but he's an intelligent and articulate dude. Ya might get some insight from him.....<P>Xman

Thanks xman,<BR>I Got allot of helpful info on general question board!

This is a female perspective,<P>eeeek, hate to admit to this but I cheated once on my EXH.<P>I had tried for years to have a "normal" sex life with him.<P>After the birth of our first child, the only way he could have sex with me was if I was in all the Dress up clothes "garter belt, nylons 8 inch heals...so on and so forth"<P>I agreed in the beginning and things just got worse, anyway over the course of the years it finally came down to the only way he could be stimulated is if I was literally Chained in the basement,blindfolded,gagged and completely available to him.<P>When I finally woke up to the fact that we were never going to have what I called a normal sex life and I was not going to ALLOW my body to be used that way anymore, we went for 2 years with no sex. He had his bondage videos that he watched and JO to.<P>I finally told him "come to bed and take care of business or I will find someone that will" <P>6 months later he still hadn't...so I did.<P>I am very ashamed of myself for what I did and I filed for divorce within 2 months of that. But that is Why I cheated.<P>-Kat-<P>Now you probably all hate me huh?????

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by -Kat-:<BR><STRONG><B><P>I am very ashamed of myself for what I did and I filed for divorce within 2 months of that. But that is Why I cheated.<P>-Kat-<P>Now you probably all hate me huh?????</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P><BR>Kat,<P>Actually I have the utmost respect for you! We all make mistakes. It's sad more WS's can't see their part in what they did. You admited cheating to a group of people who are mainly Betrayed spouses. You showed radical honesty, when you knew it might not make you popular. It took guts and strength to share that. <P>It is so hard when you go through such mental mind games, it's hard to think straight. The thing is once you got out of it and looked at what happened, you realized there was another way. You are not saying like a lot of these WS's do, I had no choice, he forced me, he's a 100% to blame for cheating. It shows such good character for you to see you had a choice, and you learned so much for the marriage you are now in. <P>So, I'm curious. You warned him and said I'm going to cheat on you. Most spouses won't say that, I would imagine. Anyway, What was his reaction was you did cheat? Did he feel betrayed? Just curious, if he saw his part in the shape your marriage was in or if he had totally blamed you for the break up.<P>Take care girl,<P>ANNA

Anna,<P>I have to laugh, because he never asked me If I cheated.<P>I just finally told him that I wanted out of the marriage, That if I was going to be lonely I would rather be lonely alone then with someone.<P>At that point he wanted to get counseling. But as you hear all the time "to little to late" I had emotionally divorced him a long time before that I just didn't know it.<P>So, in answer to your question. YES he blames me. It is all my fault.<P>It is my fault that he now pays child support.<BR>It is my fault that he cashed in the kids college funds.<P>It is my fault that he never sees his kids.<P>It is my fault that my prediction came true.<BR>Told him for years if he didn't make an effort to know his children he was going to end up a lonely old man.<P>All of it is my fault. And he sits in his house all by himself with his porn videos and his hand. How very very sad for him.<P>-Kat-

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by -Kat-:<BR><STRONG>eeeek, hate to admit to this but I cheated once on my EXH.......<P>Now you probably all hate me huh?????</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kat,<P>I don't think anyone here will hate you. Assuming you didn't endanger someone elses marriage while you were at it, I'm not sure what you did was even a mistake. It sounds more like something you had to experience to get you to where you are now. You describe some awfully difficult circumstances for anyone to live under. <P>It might be time to forgive yourself. I don't think anyone here wants to pass judgement, especially when you reach out and share your experience. Thankyou for doing so.

ty, ty ,ty and you are probably right. Is still me judging myself because I did something that I truly don't believe in.<P>I am a great one to say, you can't work on marriage when there are three parties involved.<P>And NO I did not endanger anyone elses relationship. <P>-Kat-

BULA....<P>Hi There! I will be straight and to the point with this topic!<P>REAL MEN DON'T CHEAT! If you are in a marriage in which you are considering having an affair or if you are putting yourself in a position in which you are vulnerable, you need to seek help immediately!<P>THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ADULTERY! EVER!<P>For all you guys and gals out there trying to compromise your adulterous actions, I am sorry, but your reasons are never acceptable in the eyes of the man upstairs!<P>Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Bryan,<P>From a strictly moral TA viewpoint you are absolutely right. But it does happen, and people do have to get past it, just like we have to get past a myriad of other sins. And as Christians we are taught that "the man upstairs" can and will forgive anything. So one is left to wonder why you found it necessary to post the obvious.<P>If we really believe that Jesus forgives us, just who the heck do you think you are not to forgive yourself? Let him who is without sin cast the first stone ring a bell?<P>Whether or not you noticed, no one on this thread tried to excuse or justify his or her behavior. Each one merely described the setting in which it occured, all admit that they gave into temptation, and all shared the experience at the request of Bula. Let me point out that in her opening thread Bula only asked <B>WHY</B> men cheat, she didn't ask anyone to stand in judgement.<P>Experience is a fools teacher, but if experience does nothing else, it shows us that nothing is ever a mistake if you learn something from it. Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. <P>Bye the bye, your reaction seems remarkably similar to the behavior Pat Evans describes in the Verbally Abusive Relationship.

Bumperri,<P>Very well said.<P>------------------------------------<P>Positivebryan, <P>I am sorry but that post was not designed to be positive at all. It was negative and judgemental in my eyes.<P>-Kat-

Bumper..<P>Come On! Get over it! Thanks for assuming that I was verbally abusive in my marriage. You couldn't have been more wrong in your assumption! If you want to make excuses for adultery, you go right ahead, but you know and I know it goes against everything mentioned in your marriage vows and IT HURTS THE WS AND BS big time, whether you think so or not! <P>I will tell you right now that I was the PERFECT HUSBAND, heck, my ex-wife would even tell you that! However, she just didn't want to be married anymore, not to me or anybody else!<P>So you want my answer as to why men cheat, ANSWER: Low self-esteem, no morals, no respect towards themselves, their family or their spouses! End of story!<P>Good Bye!<P>Bryan *if you assume somthing, chances are you will be 95 % wrong and you are in this case* sorry!