Hey Anna,<P>Houston, Texas eh? It's a small, small world.<P>Kevin

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by father of 1, husband of 0:<BR><STRONG>Hey Anna,<P>Houston, Texas eh? It's a small, small world.<P>Kevin</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Are you from Houston or close? There was another guy or maybe it was a girl from Houston who posted to me the other day. She/he said something like. Makes me wonder who my neighbors really are.... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<P>That made me laugh! Also made me think a little about my neighbors too. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<P>The internet sure makes it a small world doesn't it.<P>ANNA

In Houston.<P>Sorry, I won't narrow it down any more. First name, and city are enough info to float out onto the Internet.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by father of 1, husband of 0:<BR><STRONG>In Houston.<P>Sorry, I won't narrow it down any more. First name, and city are enough info to float out onto the Internet.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kevin,<P>Well hey neighbor!!! I would never give out my exact location either. It would be way too much info. <P>Hey, I do think it's cool to find people in Houston in a similar situation. If you ever wanna email me, please feel free, it's zzanna2000@yahoo.com. Also, Jacky/Nina, Goodguy, Eyes Wide Open, CJ/Cindy, Abandoned Dad and VB_Guy all chat on MSN. If you like you could join us sometime. It was great when MB was down to still be able to communicate.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA

I feel like I need to apologize for this thread. I was blown away when I saw how many responses it got. It was never intended to bash anybody or turn one against the other. You all are an incredible bunch of men & women. & I wish I could give you all a big hug. All of your opinions have helped me immensely! You have incredible courage to come forth with your stories & opinions to help out a cyber friend. I hope this thread brings us all back around the table where we all belong, helping one another. Thank you!

Hi Bula,<P>No need to worry, everyone has pretty well kissed and made up. We all know this thread was getting intense, but I think everyone here also has a good heart, and they all really do want to help each other.<P>The pain of infidelity is a mind bending experience, it evokes strong emotions, pain and anger. Thank heaven we can come here and vent some of that, maybe save a little wear and tear on those around us.<P>The nicest thing about folks who disagree with me is that they respond to my posts. For that I am grateful. They are all good people.<P>What hurts is being ignored.

bula,<P>I think you posted this at night and that's why no one responded yet.<P>There is no need for you to apologize. I think <I>you</I> deserve an apology for an innocent thread getting out of hand. Just remember, though, sometimes arguments will happen even with the best of people. I try very hard to just take the points of views that help me and file the rest. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I see you are a Jr. Member, I hope this doesn't encourage you to find another means of support, as we all are just human. This is a good site to learn and become a better person. Good luck. I am so sorry your husband cheated on you. I hope you read Dr. Harley's articles and get the book Goodguy mentioned.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA

I thought real men didn't eat quiche! Kidding, kidding...JOKE...sorry....<P>In pondering the original question, I think most people DO marry with the hope and conviction of remaining faithful for the rest of their lives. But do they all? Maybe for some marriages, there was a bit of misunderstanding in the first place...or lack of honesty about feelings.<P>Another thought--I really do believe Harley's statement that "love is conditional" (from the standpoint of being in-love). Affairs are usually about unmet EN's. And I think long-term unmet needs can indeed drive a person, with the best intentions, to compromise even their OWN principles. It's very sad, very unfortunate, and yes, very hurtful to everyone involved. It can be rationalized (can't almost anything?). In search of self-respect, it can even be defended. And bashed. Let's don't hush up the ones brave enough to share their personal events and feelings...those who have "been there," from BOTH sides.<P>Positivebryan, a curious question and not meant to offend at all. You said your Ex admits you were a wonderful H, as in, there was no "excuse" for her wandering. I wonder, do you think she answers that Q from the standpoint of not wishing to hurt you any more, or, perhaps even that she thinks maybe she SHOULD have thought you were wonderful, but for some reason, she didn't? Some feeling she still hasn't admitted?<P>I myself had some very confusing and many times rationalized feelings at the end of my first marriage. I became the WS, and then, a BS too. One of my unmet needs was SF. 16 yrs. of very little cooperation on his part. I had what I consider a very healthy interest in sex, very playful and eager to experiment with him. He told me I was "too earthy," and continuous other excuses. He also expressed shame in the shape of his body, didn't want me to see him. <P>I digress, ANYway, why I think affairs are about unmet EN's (and remember, SF is one of those but not necessarily the actual reason in every situation) -- I compromised my OWN beliefs by having affairs. In my mixed up mind, the marriage was already over and yet at the same time, I harbored these wishes that H would WAKE UP and say something like "oh honey, I never realized SF was THAT important to you, I love you, I'll do better!" Doomed thinking, in our case at least. Ha. Now on to the kicker. HE had an affair. Asked me if it was okay. NO FAIR, so much for my little hopes of salvaging our marriage, now the man who wasn't interested in sex wants an affair himself?? And asked ME, who was in NO position to judge by my own actions??<P>Curiously, he chose a woman who sure seemed to ME to be "earthy" (translation, at least a healthy interest in sex). He was head over heels for her for several months. We separated during this time. And their affair fizzled out when she announced she was marrying a fellah who could provide more financially! Now I don't really think his affair with her started because HE wanted better or more sex. It was obviously about other unmet needs I wasn't supplying -- and in the face of my own affairs. Just as I was "looking for love in all the wrong places," so was he.<P>Laura

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lucks:<BR><STRONG><P>Another thought--I really do believe Harley's statement that "love is conditional" (from the standpoint of being in-love). Affairs are usually about unmet EN's. And I think long-term unmet needs can indeed drive a person, with the best intentions, to compromise even their OWN principles. It's very sad, very unfortunate, and yes, very hurtful to everyone involved. It can be rationalized (can't almost anything?). In search of self-respect, it can even be defended. And bashed. Let's don't hush up the ones brave enough to share their personal events and feelings...those who have "been there," from BOTH sides.<BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I agree with the above, really haven't read this thread, don't think I want to <P>But my STBX cheated because I didn't meet his needs, his job was stressful & the OW made a major play for him, to quote him she chased him all over their then workplace, did he chose the right way to solve the problems in our marriage, NO, even he will tell you that.<P>Good Luck, ever one gets their feeling hurt here sometime, most of us our feelings are very fragile now any way, just learn who you want to avoid, & take everything with a grain of salt.

I don't know about anyone else, but in my 18<BR>years of marriage, and thru 8 months of separation, I have never cheated on my wife.<P>My wife is the one who did the cheating, and<BR>would have continued if she didnt get caught.<P>I think affairs are an equal opporunity thing for all spouses who 'think' that there<BR>is something wrong, and instead of working on<BR>it, they take the easy road out, with realizing the damage they are causing, and<BR>still refuse to see the damage after it is<BR>all said and done.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ken1113:<BR>I think affairs are an equal opporunity thing for all spouses who 'think' that there<BR>is something wrong, and instead of working on<BR>it, they take the easy road out, with realizing the damage they are causing, and<BR>still refuse to see the damage after it is<BR>all said and done.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Perhaps that's true. But would you agree that in some instances, the WS feels their spouse WON'T help them with whatever the problem is? So the pain of affairs happened at different times, for the WS--before the decision was made, and for the BS--after discovery.<P>Awfully compelling evidence for how important it is to have good communication and meet those EN's when people ARE vulnerable to getting them met elsewhere.<P>Laura

OK, people,<P>there is no ONE pat answer for why SPOUSES cheat, there are multitudinous reasons.<P>Some people did not learn how to cope very well. . . . some people learned that what a spouse doesn't know won't hurt them. . . some think that it will spice up the marraige. . . <BR>some are just selfish. . . . others are accidental. . . . <P>i could go on, as does Dr. Frank Pittman in his book, <I> Private Lies </I>, which is all about why people cheat, and what is an infidelity.<P>Pittman describes an infidelity of a fiancee who said that she said she did not mind the dalliances of her fiance, and then 2 years later, sought a divorce for her husband's affairs. Now the infidelity was with the finacee, for agreeing to something she could not live up to.<P>And there are lots of very stable people out there, and lots of undstable people out there. Due to our experiences growing up, statistically speaking, not everyone will end up with a stable person, with a person able to cope with life stresses.<P>Midlife poses a new set of stresses, and are alot more internally challenging than externally posed. This is where weak people tend to slip, or make mistakes, or allow themselves to be selfish, without thinking about the effects on others.<P>WIFTTy