I keep hoping he will change his mind... I think it may be plan b time... I have been begging, crying... etc. for him to come bAck... I really need him.... and I need to start counting on me. I guess if I show him I can move on without him, he might want me back? Is this true? Hard to believe- but probably true. I found out sept. 19th is and he left the day I knew to see if it was love, he says now it is over with her... but our relationship is over too, except for being parents together... he says he will be my friend. Ha, what a friend? please offer advice, I am melting. honey

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry to hear that you need to be in the Divorced/Divorcing Forum, but given that, I'm glad you found us. <P>People will advise you to read everything you can on the site; trust this advice. The more you read, the more you'll understand, and the better you'll feel. You may not "save your marriage"- nothing can guarantee that- but you will survive, and this site will be a big help to you if you use it.<P>I strongly urge you to read the following link- it's an excerpt from a book called "Love Must Be Tough," by somebody Dobson. You'll often read references to a "Dobson Letter-" it's that Dobson. The book is good, and the moment I read of you "begging, crying, etc. for him to come back," this popped into my mind:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=003599" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=003599</A>

If what you are doing isn't working...try something different!! Stop the crying, begging, and asking him to come back. It only makes you look weak and pathetic to your H which is NOT attractive!! The book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. Dobson is a very good book as the previous poster suggested. Also, visit the "Divorce Busters" website at <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com" TARGET=_blank>www.weiner-davis.com</A> <BR>I have gotten ALOT of support and great ideas for reconnecting with a spouse that wants out. (The book Divorce Remedy written by Michelle Weiner-Davis is excellent as well!) Good luck and don't panic, things CAN turn around for the better!<BR> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks for your replies and referrals to the divorce busting website and the link! I am doing much better today, and divorce busting techniques, no crying, calling, or begging has been great... guess what he called and I did not answer, but let the machine pick up. A real accomplishment, as desperate as I felt yesterday! Thanks for the advice, it is going to be hard to stay strong. I really deserve love and commitment and am actually feeling more self respecting and happy today by having more of me to hold together since I haven't let him destroy me by not being there for me.... because I am not even letting him in today. Ha! It feels better! I need to take care of me. If he wants me back, he will have to show me, and maybe or maybe not it will be too late. He is going to lose, not me. Thanks so much! Honey

Dear Honey, <P>I just popped by to see how my friends were doing here and your post caught my eye. Been in the same situation you are in. I am a fighter by nature. Not a provoker but one who is willing to fight for what I believe in. Stick to it to the end sort of person. I think the word is dedication. <P>Anyway, d/d woke me up. I saw my life going down the tubes. Being yanked right out from under me. I was not fighting for a good lifestyle of luxury or anything. Just for the right to be a family with my family. <P>My H was out there with an OW who claimed to respect family values but did everything to break up our family. I finally gave up. Yes, I fought and cried. Ran the full gamut of emotions. Finally I just said, ok. In fact I did a thread for the WS to go live with the OW under he got over the guilt. I meant it. I even told H to hurry up and get the D. WS and OW wondered why was I rushing him. Never told him why. They thought I had an A going on of my own. LOL!!!!<P>That was one eye opener for H. He began to see what he would lose. Not maybe but for real. H wanted his cake and eat it too. Well he wanted stale cake with OW, he could have it/her all of it. Me, I wanted no part of that triangle. I wanted out. <P>OW made me sick, literally so I told H go with her. Just pay your debts off, pay what you owe and leave me and our child alone. <P>As crazy in the fog as he was, he did not want a divorce. That made me want it more. H fought it. Crazy or what? He is home now. He convinced himself that "I wanted him to come home". Well, not as a waffler. He could stay out there with that attitude. So it has been a struggle but I gave him the rope, told him he was on his own and that helped hang the A. <P>Can't say it will work on all cases, but plan B hleped. I did not do a real good one but enough to wake up H. <P>L.<p>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]

thanks L- I know there is hope... thanks to these boards, the divorce busters book and the other one, ... 7 steps to saving your marriage. The a is supposedly off, but it could be another big lie. My H keeps coming up with all kinds of reasons he can never be with me again, it is soooo crazy, when a few months ago he loved me and even a few months before that he was telling me how crazy some guy at his work was for getting a D. I am asking for counseling and just a thread of hope that we can work on our marriage and save it... he says NO, it is OVER, and so DEAD. He says I was painting the house red when he wanted it blue, what does that mean? I have not heard this before, and why didn't he tell me this when he was here? I had not a clue he would ever leave... he started staying out late and one night did not come home, the next day he was gone. He started making way more money than ever before in his life in april, 100k with a job in computers... and with no college degree...he doubled his previous money he had made before... at times in our marriage he made hardly any money... or never enough.... and he is a big DRINKER, so why do I even care???/ Well, this is my family and I have put my heart and soul into our lives for 10 yrs, and known him and loved him for 17 years. I am sooo hurt. Anyway, any more advice is helpful. I do not want to file- and he keeps saying he will file- he says it is hard and he just wants it over with now. Well, I think he will eventually want to come home, but am worried. I guess if he does not I am better off without him... I just want to play my hand to its fullest to get him to want to come back. he says we were always doing things my way- and he never was happy. It is so much a lie... but I think he has to realize this. I was a caretaker so much of the time, because he acted like an irresponsible brat so much, but now he has the money and is a grown up so--- he can leave me--- mom. and go do what he wants, I think that is his opinion. Sick, and sad, but I never wanted to be mom, I wanted to be the wife... his wife, but he wasn't being a husband, and I see that he is still not. He is handsome, charming and fun... but definitely with a drinking problem... the drinking is the part that makes me feel I may be ok without him--- because he still will not face the problems the bottle caused him and me... anyway, thanks, L- HOney