I spoke to my H for the last time on Monday night. I tried to let him know if he sorts out his drinking and drugging that there could be hope for our marriage. I have realised from that conversation:<BR>1. He blames me for the marriage failing, for actually filing for divorce.<BR>2. He has not taken his part of the responsibility for the marriage breaking up.<BR>3. He has not forgiven me for the mistakes I made in the marriage, even though I have asked him for forgiveness, and told him that I forgive him for his mistakes (Even though he never asked for forgiveness).<BR>4. He has not grown in this time that we have been apart.<P>When I told him that I have forgiven him, he tells me the things I did were worse! (For one I never had an affair!) I have forgiven him, for my own sanity and peace. How will he ever achieve peace if he can&#8217;t forgive? I know unless he grows to this point there is no hope of us ever getting back together. I am so hurt and sad by this. I do realise why I had to walk away from the marriage. <P>He tells me he has no happiness in his heart that he had during his youth. I asked him if he blames me for that and he does! I find it difficult to understand that one person can change another person to such an extent. Am I wrong or right? Please give some feedback. Then I was thinking if I&#8217;m no longer in his life, he should be happy right? Well he is not and still blames me for that. This is how he makes me hate myself&#8230; he has done this to me often during our marriage. How can I stop letting him make me feel this way? The only way I know how is to cut off all communication with him again.<P>Thanks for listening<P>Pantha

I am sorry for your pain today, You are not responsible for what he thinks and feels, it is not up to you to be his sorce of happiness. He is in the grip of addiction with the booze and drugs. The addict must blame someone for all there problems because they are not willing to look at thereself and except the responsibility of there actions, it is always someone elses fault that they do what they do. I suggest you get to some al-anon meetings and keep working on yourself. there is nothing you can do to change him or his actions, until he is willing to change and accept he is in the grip of a proggressive illness and seek proper help.

(((((((((((Pantha))))))))))))<P>They ALWAYS blame the BS, hon...it's the way they deal with the guilt.<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I know how it is to feel so low because someone else has broken your spirit, but you are strong, Pantha, and you will get through this. Believe it was not all your fault, and that only one person could have made him happy and that was himself.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Hi Pantha-<P>Your story sounds very familiar to mine. My WH has a drinking problem too. We have been apart for almost nine months. In that time I feel I have grown tremendously and I feel so much better about myself. I have forgiven him for the things he has done to me and I feel at peace with myself.<P>What has he done? Very little. He is no happier now than when he left. I'd venture to say from the way that he is constantly trying to convince me that he is doing so much better that he really is even unhappier. How could he not be, he has given up so much. His OW is 11 years younger than him and in college in another city. What does this do for him? It further perpeutates his problems because he is able to hide them from her. She therefor thinks he walks on water so she treats him as if he is perfect. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I love him in spite of his problems. However, it has taken this separation from him for me to realize it.<P>He too has been very nasty to me. He hasn't apologized for anything, in the past when I have asked him why he did this he always passes blame to me saying if I had cared more, treated him better, etc. When we first separated I was pregnant and devestated. I asked him what he felt was wrong. He nit picked every little thing and I bent over backwards to accomodate him. At the time I didn't know about the OW so I didn't realize I was banging my head against the wall for nothing.<P>I agree with others who have responded. Try al-anon, it will make you feel better. Also as hard as it is don't let his comments bring you down. We are human, we make mistakes. It is obvious that you are accepting responsibility for your actions and learning how to better yourself and your relationship. He however hasn't done this and unfortunately you can't make him - oh how I wish we could! Continue to be your best, but do it for you. Remember that when he lashes out it is out of guilt and confusion. Stay calm, that way he can't transfer his anger to you and must keep the blame to himself and deal with it.<P>May it help to know that we're here for you!<P>K

Hey Pantha,<P>Check out the book "Sudden Endings" by Madeline Bennett (I found a copy at our local library or try amazon.com.<P>It is a real eye-opener. It's been a pretty long time for me since D-Day, but even now reading this, it's given me much insight into the frame of mind that my H had/has. <P>They are in such a fog.<P>Aloha,<BR>Ms.O<p>[ October 17, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]

Thanks jabber!! Thanks for your insight. I know I can only work on myself, but that also gets difficult sometimes...<P>Thanks Nina! (How is the house hunting going?)<P>Still reeling, thanks for sharing your story. It would be nice if we could just somehow make them see what we see. But they are the one's stuck in a rut... hey ...look at us... we have grown!! and that is something!<P>Ms O thanks, I will have a look around for it, but I'm from South Africa, so I don't know if I'll find it here.<P>Update:<BR>uugghhhh!!! He called last night he is not going to be at court tomorrow. Called me a b!tch. Called back later to tell me he is collecting his things on Saturday, and to just generally chat and tell me how busy he is and how important he is to the company and if he doesn't work tomorrow, the company may not make it without him. WOW!! I asked him how can he call after calling me names, so he apologised. You know I almost asked him if he regretted sleeping with the little slut, but thought, hey why should I open myself up to letting him hurt me, so I didn't. I told him about my dance class, and he said that was nice, and I probably wouldn't have done that if we'd stayed together and I said no, I wouldn't have, but I'd rather still have been married though. He said so would he, but its too late now. Anyway I also told him I'm reclaiming my maiden surname, and that lead into some nasty comments back and forth. So my life goes on....<P>Tomorrow I will be divorced and my life can start again!!<P>Pantha