I just got off the phone with my husband. I told him that I was having a bad day in the department of us! He had a total of 3 affairs that he told me all about. They mainly happened because he felt disconnected from me due to me being mommy to 5 little kids. We haven’t even slept in the same bedroom for years. It started out that way because I nursed the kids in bed & he thought that he would roll over on them so he always slept in another room. We also live very far from his job so his hours are, come home very late when all are asleep. Anyway, there are times that I feel strong & I think that I can fix the marriage. Usually when we are together, Then there are times like today, when we are apart, that I feel like, if I try & it still isn’t good enough for him & he decides to leave after trying, I will go over the deep end. I am 41 yrs. Old. Still have my body & looks, according to him but I certainly do not feel that way. I know that I am capable of loving & receiving love. I am 100 plus % for a one man, one-woman relationship. I am sooooo afraid that if I give him what he wants & it mainly is sex & touch. By the way, his sex drive & mine do not jive. His is very strong & mine is not. & Then he decides that he still is feeling disconnected, he wasted ½ my life. Sorry if I sound shallow but I want one man & I thought it was him that I could grow old with. What I’m really trying to say is that I am afraid of being hurt again. Besides who would want me with all that baggage (5 incredible children) I feel like he robed me of the opportunity of ever finding my sole mate! When I presented these feelings to him, he said, what are you saying that you don’t want to give it time & try? I wanted him to assure me that if he gets his needs met that it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN but he couldn’t commit to that for fear of hurting me again, if the connection doesn’t come back. He doesn’t say the things that I want to hear like I am deeply sorry, I love you & I will never hurt you again. Please forgive me. He knows that I want to hear these things because I told him. I hate feeling so unsure. I went through all of my married life so secure & content. Now look at this mess. I am so afraid to give it another try. I want my mommy & the only way I can see her is in my dreams. She passed away 12 years ago. Please enlighten me!<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: bula ]<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: bula ]<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: bula ]</p>
