Hi everyone! Been a long time. Been busy (that's good). Working hard (not so good). Kids are great (very good). They have been learning about their father (not so good) and I've been trying to help them through their discoveries as best I can. They are realizing that the unhealthy relationship we lived all those years is wrong. <P>As for me - I'm in a new relationship (Yipee!) that's NOT abusive. I too test the waters to make sure that this guy is *for real*. I try his patience I'm sure, but you'd never know it by the way he behaves. We met through a divorce forum during my separation and have developed our friendship from there. And no -- he was not involved with me during separation. As for our relationship -- it's long distance. (Wondering how BearLee is doing btw). We enjoy each other when we can get together (about once a month) and we talk daily. I have dated since my divorce, and I've learned alot about my likes and dislikes as well as what I would put up with and what I wouldn't. I've got too much going on to devote a lot of time to a relationship, so in my books this fits the bill perfectly. We enjoy eachother when we are together, and cope while we are apart-- that's all that counts. One day at a time I say. No plans for the future.<P>I'm sorry to see so many of you in pain. I haven't read all the threads, but I did want to say that it does get better in time. I still have my down days and I'm still fighting in court over things -- like my ex wanting me to pay for his hotel and restaurant meals for the women he was sleeping with through our marriage (his Visa). The court crud still continues, but it will end one day -- when he runs out of money to pay his attorney.<P>Many thanks to you all for your wonderful words of wisdom and advice. I think a little time off from the *boards* helps you put things into perspective so things start going right. There are days where I really do feel the *victim*, but then I have to stop and remind myself that nothing could be as bad as living in an abusive relationship day in and day out. I still remember the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when his truck would drive up....I would know by his footsteps what kind of mood he would be in when he entered our house.... I will NEVER experience that again. <BR> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>So...this week..things are good! (or it could be the Tylenol I took for my migraine! lol)<P>Since it's been a while -- can you give me an update on how you are all doing? What's new in your life? What's going great?(maybe some of it will rub off!) What's going not so great? (maybe we can come up with some ideas to help you over the humps)

WOWZERS!<P>Came back tonight and noticed no one responded! Do I take the non-responses as everyone is doing fabulous and there's nothing to update newbies on?<P>Come on everyone! Sharing is a great way of finding out how we can all make it through this crud! Share the good things and the bad....but can you give us an update? <P>Sorry...but I haven't been here long, and to sift through thousands of posts just so I can get a taste of the *family* here...well, internet time is limited. So how about it? PLEASE???

Hello,<BR>I am glad you are feeling better and getting on with your life. I too was with an abusive person. I had a relationship with him for 1 year seven years ago then wasn't speaking to him for 5 years then married him 1 year ago. He left for overseas 1 month later. I joined him 8 months later and lasted 1 month only. <P>I think he only married me for money to be honest. He was very abusive mentally to me. He was not providing for me, was stealing money from me and was flagrantly unfaithful. <P>What I can't understand was why it took so long to just end it. And why I allowed myself to fall in love with somebody like that in the first place. <P>I guess that he will never be the person I want him to be. I saw him through rose-coloured glasses. I also let myself down by not holding onto my values. If I had done that I would have seen that a relationship with him was not possible, because I couldn't accept him as he was and wanted him to change. What you see is what you get.<P>It helps to realise that he will never be the romantic husband that I wanted him to be because he can never love deeply. He said that himself when he said that he falls in and out of love easily. Love is no real big deal for him. Even when he is hurt he is able to bounce back quickly. <P>I need someone with a real capacity to love deeply, someone who will give everything and risk everything for love. I am afraid my H was not like that and he was more of an opportunist. It hurts but knowing that he is vey shallow in his feelings helps me get over the breakup. And being fatalistic too helps. This was the second time we tried and it didn't work out so I don't think we are meant to be. <P>I think there is a special person waiting for me out there.

Yes, Life is good.<P>Never thought I'd be saying that any time soon, but I am.<P>I am doing fabulously!! I've lost weight, been feeling really good and still learning about myself and drawing bits-n-pieces from that old relationship.<P>I've been trying to get my H to file for the divorce...he keeps saying he will. Finally, I asked him to make an appt. with me (tomorrow) to go over the papers. He is supposed to have them partially filled out, but knowing him, he'll have some excuse why he couldn't do it.<P>He flipped his lid about 3 months ago when I said I was going to an attorney to file. He said "NO! I'll do it!" Well, okay then, DO IT ALREADY!!! It's only been two years!<P>Anyway, I want it to be over. My 13th anniversary is Monday. Bummer.<P>Anyway, life is good and I'm glad to be back with the living.<P>Aloha,<BR>Ms.O<p>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]

Hi Elan!<P>Hmmmm...my update! Well, life is good. It's not perfect but good. <P>I work all the time, take care of my kids when I'm not working, and feel like I'm gonna pull my hair out sometimes. But we're content.<P>My ex doesn't see the boys often. Maybe 2-3 times a year. My oldest gets angry, my middle one gets sad and my youngest doesn't remember Daddy living here. It's sad but we are coping and healing.<P>As for me, I've thought about dating alot cause I get lonely, but I get scared and can't do it. I still go thru bouts of depression and I take that as a sign that I'm not ready. Maybe one day, but not right now.<P>All in all, I'm happy.<P>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I never though I could say it, but yes things are good here also. I still Have ups and downs and I dread the holidays comming. I have met someone who treats me ways I have never been treated before, has made me realize I deserved better. I spent alot of time with the grandson he is my joy. Work is good and life just gets better by the day.

Hello. <P>I guess I would be considered one of the old-timers now. I have been here since Mar 2000. <P>Life has definitely had it's ups and downs since d-day. But, right now I am doing pretty well. <P>I have been in two relationships since my divorce both of which didn't work out. IMAGINE THAT! But, I learned quite a bit from both of them. In hindsight, I wish I had followed the advice of the other old-timers and waited. And, I wish I had found this site and read through all of the great advice from Steve Harley before my divorce was finalized. If I had, maybe I could have turned things around. <P>I now have an amicable relationship with my x. He did admit to having second thoughts once about his decision but nothing ever came of that and I have finally come to terms with the fact that there will never be a reconciliation for us.<P>Getting involved in serious relationships after my divorce was definitely ill advised for me. So, I feel like I should share the reasons with some of you in case it might save you some future heartaches. Here are my reasons:<P>One, you never know when your x may have second thoughts, and when they do, you don't want to be in another relationship because then you can't think clearly or on your own. That happened to me. <P>Two, you can easily get in way over your head, and when you finally realize that you are not at all ready for such a serious relationship, it is very painful for all involved when you end the relationship. And, it can be very difficult to get out of the relationship especially if you are involved with someone who is also an emotional wreck from their past relationships. So, dating other recently divorced or seperated people can really be a problem. Believe me, I have a few stories I could share on that account but won't. <P>Three, you really can't work on yourself when you are dating others because you are constantly trying to work on the inevitable issues of the new relationship. So, you waste valuable time. Time that should be spent on just you and trying to figure out what you need and want in life and what went wrong in your marriage so you can avoid those problems in the future. I feel I wasted a lot of money last year in counseling. However, I do feel like my money is being well spent now in counseling because I'm finally just focusing on myself and my issues. <P>For the past few months, I have been on my own and have found this time to be very valuable. And, I know I need more time alone so I can continue to work on myself and get comfortable being on my own. I still have so far to go!! <P>The one good thing is that I am no longer desperate. However, I do still struggle with being on my own. And, wanting to go back to old relationships. I did contact someone from my past but nothing came out of that. Which has caused me mixed emotions. I'm sad in a way but also relieved that it's not happening because I really think it is still too soon and the chances of it working out the second time around are very slim. I spent a lot of time journaling about it and know it is probably for the best that it didn't work out. With all that said, there is still a part of me that wants to go back and try again and wonders if we both have grown enough to make it. So, I have prayed a lot about it and discussed it with my therapist and friends. And, believe right now that I need to remain solo for awhile. <P>I really do enjoy my life now and the freedom I now have. It does get better and better each day. I write a lot. I spend more time with my children. I spend time with friends and family. I attend church regularly now. And, I'm now doing volunteer work which is very rewarding. <P>I also still visit this forum every now and then and have remained in contact with many others from this site. This really is a safe place to go. I also have now joined a single mom's group at my church and have developed some wonderful new friendships with women. Having always had a man in my life since the 7th grade, having friendships with women is really new for me. And, I'm so glad that I now have the time to do this. I probably would not be doing this if I was in a relationship again.<P>And, my stress level is significantly lower now. I do get lonely sometimes, but that feeling does pass and I'm now finding constructive ways to deal with those feelings. <P>For those still with me, I commend your staying power. I love to write and find this so therapuetic. <P>Take care everyone,<BR>Jen <BR>-----------------------------------------<BR>Together 18 years<BR>Married 13 years<BR>D-day - 2/23/00<BR>Divorced - 5/10/00<BR>2 kids<p>[ October 20, 2001: Message edited by: 711 ]

It amazes me how much I learn when I read these posts!<P>Sounds like you are all doing well in your journeys and have a lot of wisdom to share!<P>Ms. Anna -- those rose coloured glasses - had them, but finally twenty years later I sat on em! Now I can't wear them anymore except for these real clear ones that let me hold onto my values and tell anyone not willing to accept that to take a flying leap! As for finding someone....it happens when you LEAST expect it.<P>Ms. O - was thinking about you on Monday. I hope that you did something real positive for yourself! You deserve it! It's tough going the divorce route, but you will survive. I wonder though if there is a chance of reconciliation since your husband is dragging his heels in the process of filing. Are you really wanting this? Wanting it enough to file yourself?<P>Mitzi -- GET OUT!!!!!! Dating doesn't mean you have to marry the guy. It means enjoying the company of another person. That could be coffee, it could be a movie...it could be a walk. That's how you learn about what you are looking for in a mate and what you can put up with OR NOT...or just even for companionship and making good friends. I think wayyyy too many people put an emphasis on *dating* having the end goal of marriage. NOT TRUE! Get out and enjoy yourself. The rest comes naturally. You gain self-confidence and you learn about people. NO GOALS K? Take it one day at a time.<P>Awwww Jabber! I remember reading all your posts and wondering how you were making out! Isn't it great being treated with kindness? My problem is pinching myself and waiting for the *other* shoe to drop. I guess I still can't believe it myself.<P>711 -- serious relationships AFTER divorce. I think they call it Rebound. I personally don't think there is a way of avoiding it. How can one just leap from a marriage...divorce...and then meet someone that you can spend the rest of your life with? All this stuff is a learning experience. You still experience the pain of a breakup even if you wait. It's inevitable for most. You do learn more things though when you do go through it. You are right though about the time for yourself. You do need that to be able to reflect and decide on what you want out of your life. I found the journalling really helped alot. It's great to hear that others are doing the same thing. I worked through The Artist's Way...and rather than purge the negative things that were blocking me creatively, I was purging all the hurt and pain from my divorce. I was thinking about the church thing too...but really haven't found a spot where I feel comfortable. Anyways....thanks for the updates!<P>Thanks for sharing everyone! Makes me feel like I'm not in the fog I thought I was in cyberworld! Cheers! have a great day!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elan:<BR><STRONG>Ms. O - was thinking about you on Monday. I hope that you did something real positive for yourself! You deserve it! It's tough going the divorce route, but you will survive. I wonder though if there is a chance of reconciliation since your husband is dragging his heels in the process of filing. Are you really wanting this? Wanting it enough to file yourself?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, it's a question I've asked myself alot this year. I spent the whole first year with a gaping hole in my heart and grieving my marriage (even ended up in the hospital for stress). <P>This year has been the moving-on, learn-about-me year. It has been good. While my H and I get along civilly, it's all too clear to me that even tho I initially didn't want this to happen at all, I think it's for the best. I've seen and learned alot since D-day. About him...about me. <P>I've come to realize that my H is passive-aggressive and that explains alot of the stress in our relationship. I always wondered why he would blow up over the least little thing that two weeks before he acted like was no big deal. <P>I've also learned that he spent HOURS on the internet at porn sites (and God know what else). While alot of people wouldn't think this is considered adultry....I do. I don't believe all the crap that men HAVE to do this type of thing. He knew that it bothered me...yet he still did it. He just didn't want to grow up.<P>The other reason he hasn't filed yet is that he's allergic to paperwork. He's had the papers for 4 months. He keeps telling me he's "looking them over." Well, Friday I finally found out he's looking at the envelope! He hasn't even opened them!! So eventually, I might be the one who files.<P>So thanks for your concern. I didn't do much for my anniversary except got a cute haircut, rented a movie (Les Miserables) and ate pizza (which is NOT on my new diet). Hey, I deserved it! And the movie gave me an uplifting feeling that with love and hope, all things are possible!<P>Aloha,<BR>Ms.O

Ms.O!<P>Hey! Watching a great movie and having pizza sounds great! <P>*Sigh*....I do feel for you with the rest of the stuff. The healing powers of TIME are true...but you can't make that clock tick any faster. <P>Remember ----------> All things ARE possible. Have faith! {hugs} [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Elan,<P>I appreciate the advice but I think I'll wait a while longer! LOL<P>If you knew my whole story, you'd understand. It's been one helluva ride! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey Mitzi... it's kewl.. You'll be ready when yer ready. And not a second sooner! Don't closet yourself at home. I learned that being lonely was a whole load different than being *alone*. I actually enjoy my own company now...the *lonely* goes away in time yah know?

Yep. Two serious relationships right after my divorce was definitely not smart. Looking back it was like I was on drugs. I couldn't think clearly. A part of me knew that I was making mistakes but I couldn't stop myself. It just felt too good at the time.<P><BR>-----------------------------------------<BR>Together 18 years<BR>Married 13 years<BR>D-day - 2/23/00<BR>Divorced - 5/10/00<BR>2 kids