Is there any danger in not doing anything until your spouse files first. My husband had an affair. He says they are not seeing each other anymore, (yeah, right!) but he still does not want to reconcile with me. He says he don't love me anymore. He has talked to 2 lawyers but has not filed yet, due to lack of money. I can get the money and file first. But God has not gave me a peace to do that yet. Is there any danger in waiting and letting him file first? He says that he is going to file on irreconcilable differences. I would of course file on adultry! Thank you for your responce. I pray for the members of MB! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

AnnTN,<P>I'm kinda interested in this question too. My situation is similar to yours - but I could claim abandonment AND infidelity.<P>-AD

AD-<BR>What does a claim of "abandonment AND infidelity" take. Is it as self- explanatory as it sounds? <P>Ann

OH My, AnnTN,<P>I don't know anything about filing.<P>I think it most states it is "no fault", that is, you don't have to say why - just that you want it. In the old days, and in some states there are maybe three traditional grounds (I have heard, I don't really know).<BR>1) Abandonment (he/she left you and won't come back).<BR>2) Infidelity/adultry<BR>3) Irreconcilable differences.<P>I guess the legal system just figured out that just about anybody could file on #3 and it wasn't worth having to "prove" this stuff in court - so if somebody wants out, they just let them out. That's why most states are "no fault".<P>In my state, if you have kids the court requires you to go to a seminar on children in divorce - which is an all-day (or maybe 4 hour) thing on a Saturday.<P>I really don't know this stuff - just bits and pieces by hearsay. You might find it online. There are a number of sites -probably <A HREF="http://www.divorce.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorce.com</A> etc. which might have info state by state.<P>-AD

Welp, when my D went thru (H is WS and H filed) the D papers said "Marriage is irretrievably broken".<P>I told my H that if he wanted a D, then he needs to be the one to file, he needs to do the dirty work as the adulteror. NOT ME.<P>I never thought he would do it ... but I forgot that OW was at the helm. She told him she would not sleep w/a married man. Funny, she didn't have a problem sleeping with him while he was living with me. <P>Jo

ANNTN -<BR>This is mostly for you - that is, if you're in Tennessee?<P>Nine months after he moved us because of yet another job (even though they're all good) AWAY from Tennessee, where they have FAULT (Adultery!!) divorces, he takes me to Indiana, one of the no-fault states.<P>I don't think it really matters who files first. I went and filed the day he moved out - my lawyer said we would get to choose the judge we wanted...and then of course H's lawyer goes and submits a change of judges.<P>Oh well. Good luck.

I think everyone has their own opinon's. I felt that i needed to file first to have the upper hand. I filed for what i wanted not what he wanted..It also makes you look like your not putting your life on hold waiting for them to come back. That gives them the upper hand!!..I cried all the way to the court house the day i filed and then all the way back home..But the i felt kind of a relief....meaning i didn't have to wait in suspense to be served w/the divorce paperwork that my stbx filed..I didn't want the divorce either but i had no choice and i have to support me and the baby now..And ex thinks he is free from any responsibility of being a husband or a parent..But he has another thing coming..He's not going to get away with abandoning us and not helping to support our baby..Boy i'm starting to really resent him..I just wish he would grow up and be an adult where's the honesty..??

You need to protect yourself finacially, and look at divorce as a bussiness transaction, however if you are not in a hurry let him make the first move, for several reasons, if he has a pension you are intitled to a share so it will grow, if he pays support it will continue much longer, if there is health insurance, you are still covered, get your name off credit cards and loans if you can, get as much in your own accounts as you can. and if you need lawyer pay with credit card with his name on it lol,

I like the part about paying for a lawyer with HIS credit cards. The sad thing is that he can't get anything in his name he screwed up his credit years before we met. I go Monday just to talk to a lawyer, I do want him to file first. I just found out today that he is still seeing her, more evidence to add to the pile. Life will go on!! I hope

Pension plan - tell me if I'm right here.<P>It's not going to be worth flip if he doesn't stay with the company long enough - or gets fired. <P>Am I right?<P>So maybe it's best to take the money and run?

Pension plan - tell me if I'm right here.<BR>It's not going to be worth flip if he doesn't stay with the company long enough - or gets fired. <P>Am I right?<P>if you are young you may be surprised how much the amount can grow over the years, I think it is best to leave what ever it is in the account, it is to easy to take the money and just blow it. My ex took money and she has gone trough almost half in only 10 months, she could have been in pretty good shape if she invested, but she was only thinking short term. I tend to think long term and about my future.

Well I am not filing...he started this, he can darn well finish it.<P>BUT, in Australia, the divorce laws are no fault (pity), and assets are split 50/50...the only real reason you go to court is for custody of the kids.

abandonment, infidelity and adultry! Does not matter in a no fault state (like no fault car insurance) they could care less as why. They just divide the stuff and send you on your way and tell you not to come back again.<p>[ October 20, 2001: Message edited by: ronnb ]

Yeeeuck, huh?

I was lucky in a "weird" way,. The state I got divorced in, you could have adultry in the papers !!<P>I let my H file first. Heck, he didn't even tell me he filed, I read it in the newspaper... talk about a stab in the heart.<P>Now, I think it was a bad move that I let him file first. I think had I filed first.... when he was sooo deep in the fog things may have worked out better $$$ or maybe he would have realised I was "getting on with it" as he said to me just a few days after he left in June/00. In the mean time, he was able to get his ducks in a row and talk with all his divorced friends...and a few of them are/were WS,s themselves.<P>My advice would be to "interview" as least 4 different lawyers.... gather info and when YOU are ready, you can file..(if that is what you want to do)... I know its hard... two different lawyers I went to asked me if I was ready to file... I simply(with tears in my eyes) say "no.." I just never thought I would have been sitting there talking about divorce.<P>Its a hard decision... especially when this is something that you don't/or ever imagined wanting/want.<P>Peace be with you....<P>s

I go to meet with a lawyer today! I will let you all know how it goes. I don't plan on filing today, I don't know if I can live with myself if that makes since. Although I might change my mind after talking to a lawyer. I am afraid after his girlfriends divorce is final and she moves here, she will get greety and fill his head full of bull, therefore I want get as much out of him. I just feel sick!