Hi everyone <BR>I'm new to this NG, but find the majority of all the advice sincere,<BR>intelligent & down to earth. Things I appreciate in life, as most of us do.<BR>And I need to hear this kind of advice.<BR>I'm desperate to talk to someone, before I go absolutely out of my mind.<BR>Problem: My husband & I (both in our mid 30's), are on the very brink of<BR>divorce, but he refuses to seek marriage counseling with me (or separately),<BR>or even acknowledge that our marriage is so close to becoming "a tragic<BR>memory". This is his third marriage, my second. No children involved on<BR>either side. His refusal for marriage counseling comes from a bad experience<BR>with his second marriage.<BR>We met on the Internet, became fast friends, fell desparately in love, then 6 months later, he (literally) rescued me from a long term abusive marriage. He drove 1500 miles, twice, just to bring me back with him & give me a chance for a new & better life. Back then, he was my "knight in shining armor", every woman's fantasy. And best of all, he loved me like no other<BR>ever has.<BR>Then, things started going wrong....dreadfully wrong. We started to argue, more & more, about anything or everything.<BR>While I was going to professional counseling on my own (for past abuse), he<BR>was increasingly doing/showing things that hurt me alot. He's computer<BR>obsessed (12 hours a day or more)during the weekday, and sometimes even<BR>on the weekends. He job allows him to work alot at home, but "his" computer doesn't have<BR>anything to do with his job. And while the obsession for his computer goes on<BR>to this day, hence, he was also porn obsessed during the first 2 yrs of us<BR>being together. Not just a mag or a few pics here & there, but excessively<BR>obsessed!!! We used to have some awful fights about his quantity of it (2<BR>separate 24/7 tv channels, interactive CD's, over 20 vcr tapes, magazines<BR>hidden all over the place, and of course his lusty computer). He'd become enraged when I'd approach him about this, whether I approached him like a kitten or a lion. He couldn't understand "why" it hurt me. So much time I spent alone looking at the back of his head (sitting at his computer), feeling like such an interference in his life.<BR>More times than not, I'd sleep alone in bedroom while he made<BR>ridiculous excuses "why he'd have to be on his computer at 2 am." He'd twist<BR>& turn things, so I was made to feel like the typical "ragging, wicked<BR>witch". I tried fighting back with fire (so to speak), by doing the same as<BR>he, with my own playgirls, websites, etc., but that would only backfire on<BR>me too. I left him for 3 months, because of this and the first physical<BR>abuse he's shown: pushing me down on the floor 3 separate times with anger.<BR>Since I've been back, with his promise of marriage counseling (another lie), situations started reverting right back again.<BR>He's calmed down the porn a bit, but not totally. He's back with shareware<BR>programs used specifically for hiding stuff, such as "Encrypted Magic Folders". (that<BR>also produced a major fight, where I caught him in more lies again). That's<BR>just ONE of the problems. He's very much aware that I have to rebuild all the trust in him once more (actually, alot more than "once more", but for sake of argument.......)<BR>And nowadays, he just remains "an angry, high strung person". Extremely defensive. He'll erupt<BR>with anger if I ask a question about grocery shopping,(example), basically<BR>anything at anytime. Very unpredictable. Like a Jeykll & Hyde.<BR>If I don't literally walk around at all times, like a exuberant little<BR>puppy, then the "Hyde" in him comes out. A vicious argument can start over<BR>something as mundane as asking a question about his day, or the way I kiss<BR>him goodnight. He tells me that he gets upset & frustrated with himself for<BR>"not being able to please me", but yet, he continues to do all the things he<BR>knows upsets me in the first place (the lies, porn, 13 hours straight on the<BR>computer while every else in his life falls to pieces, telling me to "[censored] off<BR>& die" when I try talking to him if something's bothering him again, etc.).<BR>He threatens me with leaving, or killing himself, "so I can find a better man than him", then<BR>peels angrily away in his car for either 20 minutes or 3 hours. (that<BR>happens almost every argument we have!)<BR>I know what most people would say "what is there to think about...get the hell<BR>out or let him leave for good", but let me fill in a few major details in<BR>this sordid story: I'm completely without family or friends where I am. I<BR>left everyone I knew 1500 miles away. I'm studying for a major computer<BR>certification (career change), I'm almost done, but have no job as of now.<BR>No job=no money of my own. No car of my own (though I have access to a very<BR>old car that I hold my breath with just going shopping). And believe it or not,<BR>he can be the sweetest, most generous man at times too. And I do love him,<BR>for what he was when I met him. At times, I'm desparate to make this marriage work, other times, I fantasize of my own apartment. But I don't know how I can make this work by myself.<BR>Please.........any comments/suggestions/advice would be welcomed. Just<BR>please take it easy if you're going to dump on me.....there's not much left<BR>in my "self esteem department".<P>athena<P><p>[This message has been edited by Athena_TX (edited July 23, 1999).]

Athena, <P>This man you are married to has an addictive personality. I have heard about this many times. He is insecure about himself. He needs to get addiction counseling. The porn, the computer, his addiction to you, his bad/abusive behavior, are all signs that he has a REAL problem. There is nothing you can do for him until he wants to get better. He'll have to hit complete rock bottom for that.<P>As far as the abusive behavior, have you talked to your counselor about it? Your husband knew your history before you got married. Please understand, you fell for him because he sweettalked you. He knew exactly what you needed when you needed it. You fell for the fantasy, not the man. Chances are, you also felt strangely attached to him because of his behavior. That is also not uncommon for a person in an abusive relationsip--leave one for the promise of another, only to find yourself in the same situation. <P>Would you feel guilty if you left him? Since you have no children with this man, what is to say that he would not escalate the abusive behavior. He doesn't respect you, and everyone needs respect! Insecurity can also lead to abusive behavior.<P>You also did not mention how long you have been married and how soon after all this began. Did you notice the addictions before or after you married? <P>Please, for your sake, you need to get yourself 1500 miles away. Go back to your family or a friend who could put you up until you got back on your feet. When you get there, find a job and finish school-part time if you have to. You just have to believe that this is the right thing to do. <BR>I am not a big believer in divorce, but in some instances, it is vital for the survival of the individuals involved. <P>If for some reason he follows you, and begs you to come back to him, tell him not until he sees a counselor who specializes in behavior modification and addictions. If after all of that, you feel that he has truly made a change, begin opening the lines of communication. Until then, tell him not to call you or contact you.<P>Good luck Athena.

Becky,<P>Thank you so much for taking the time to read/write your thoughts about my situation. Just as this website was built upon, realizing that someone out there hears me & understands, eases the anguish of knowing that #1) I still have a shred of sanity left (that I haven't been brainwashed completely by (what he states)"my paranoia", #2)that I can still make contact with decent, intelligent & caring people out there, such as you <BR>To answer a few of your questions: My first marriage lasted 13 years, and was more physically abusive. My ex wasn't bright enough for conscious "emotional manipulation". I don't even harbor ill-will towards him, nowadays, I just feel sorry for him. And for the first year of being new to Texas, I was able to work out ALOT of the past abuse. I came to terms with it alot quicker than I initially thought I would.<BR>And yes hun, I've told my counselor (which I don't see anymore due to the above statement & she's moved away) about my current husband (we've been married about 2 years), and almost word for word, said almost exactly what you did. I can even see & understand alot of it myself now.<BR>Yes, I would have tremendous guilt over leaving him (for good)(atleast right now). He *did* rescue me & gave me the opportunity for a new life. Brought me into his home, gave me free access to his bank account (which I NEVER took advantage of), gave me access to a car (very old, somewhat untrustworthy), supported me entirely in my computer certification schooling(provided to me by a gov't grant because I had no marketable skills & couldn't land any kind of job here when first arriving).<BR>Those are the things that he's done that made me fall in love with him. The "nice" side of him.He's extremely intelligent..I mean EXTREMELY intelligent! To the point, I felt I was blind-sided with the emotional/intellecual & manipulative abuse (I didn't want to acknowledge at first).Another big factor of guilt, would be, if he actually went through what he threatens...killing himself. There have been actual gun toting incidents in the last 2 years that lead me to beleive %100 that his threats aren't "all bluff". Again, I know this is a major part of "emotional control".<BR>As for going back home, I know my small family would take me in, in a heartbeat, but......the job market is next to nil up there....very severe. A stipulation of my educational grant doesn't permit me to reside anywhere except TX, and deep down in my heart, I'm 35 years old & the thought of running home to family yet once again would probably destroy any self-esteem I have left at this age. I can't do it anymore I'm desparately trying to hold on, finish my exams (I should be done in approx.2 months), get a job, save for a dependable car, then if need be.....get my own apartment.<BR>Sometimes I feel I can't hold out much longer. It gets so severe around here, I can't focus enough to "study for my exams", the very thing that'll get me the hell out of here to begin with! Then if the time comes that I need to leave him...he'll rack me with so much incredible guilt of "how I used him to get a better life & now I don't need him anymore" blah blah blah.<BR>For a few weeks last summer, he felt he hit rock bottom (don't remember what argument caused it), he saw a counselor on his own (by himself), then was put on medical leave while he attended a 2 week long day course on something like "stress managment"....I had exuberant hopes for this...but when I realized he was having "more fun" than anything..that he wasn't taking any of it seriously. And he was lying to me about telling his counselor/group therapy all about his porn addictions, anger, etc. I found all the pictures, websites & such on his computer, that he ventured into mere minutes/hours prior to his counseling sessions!!! He didn't try at all <BR>So that's the extent of HIS counseling. After his two week period, he never went back. Typical I guess.<BR>But I'm trying to be strong & keep peace. <BR>Thank you for your concern Becky. It helps me more than I can put into words right now

Holy Good God.....did I write all that?!?!<BR>Looks like I had more to vent than I knew! LOL.<BR>Sorry for the run-off of the mouth <BR>Can't promise it won't happen again, but let's say "I'll TRY to stay a bit more focused in my future replies!" lol<P>Athena

I'm pretty new to this site to and have found a few good friends to vent to and get some really good advice. This is the place to be. <BR>#1. Go open a savings account.<P>#2. Get a PO Box and he will never see your statements.<P>When you raise enough cash you can get the heck out of there and re-claim yourself. You deserve it. Isn't it funny how we all seem to be so mismatched? I'm rambling but I think of that t.v. show that comes on every Christmas, the clay-mation Rudolph with the Elf who wants to be a dentis. Have you seen that one?? Remember the island that hosts the misfit toys?? I can relate to that one....anyway, good luck and keep posting, these guys and gals put up some wonderful comfort.

Athena, <P>I'm really glad that you are aware of your surroundings and situation. I agree with txfiddler. Get your own account. Save and scrounge every penny you can.<P>As far as the guilt, I know it's hard, but as many psychs say, it is not your problem what the other person does after you are gone. Many people threaten to kill themselves, the question is, would he go after you? Also, he knew what your situation was that he was "saving you from", so it's his fault for continuing. (referencing the guilt of "you used me!").<P>If you can, get out asap! If he is toting a gun, threatening you or him in any way, is pushing you, etc, the behavior has escalated to an uncontrollable point. What's to say that he won't escalate further? <P>Please be careful with what you do. Can you move to another part of TX while you finish your schooling?<P>Good luck Athena

Hi Becky & fiddler <BR>Forgive me for taking so long to reply to both of you. Sometimes it's not very convenient (nor private) for me to surf my sites, without husband looking over my shoulder when he's home, without causing kaos, if he should see something such as this site & my postings. It's better to bide my time & be safe than sorry.<BR>To answer your question Becky, No, I know absolutely no one here in Texas, that I could run to in any event of emergency. I haven't even been able to make any "casual" friends since being here. We're located 11 miles from the nearest small town, in a small farming community (he owns a 40 acre ranch deep in the heart of nowhere), and he's not much on "wanting to make friends". He's an extremely private person. No close friends of his own. If we ever go out for entertainment, it's only dinner & a movie. No chance again of making friends.<BR>During the first year of living here, with him constantly involved with his computer, I was dying of loneliness, & tried every conceivable way of meeting people: libraries, volunteering services, etc. (where no money was involved)...and came up with nothing. I finally resolved myself to "biding my time", waiting til I finish my studies (90% being self-study, not being able to attend classrooms), then being able to make friends in my new career once it starts. Feels like a long way off though.<BR>But don't worry guys.....I can handle the severe arguments that arise every couple of days, & IF situations become dangerous, I fully intend to just "jump into that old piece of sh*t car & drive away as fast as possible", where ever I may land has to be decided then & there. And the very day I get hired for my new job, that afternoon will be the day I open that bank account & start stashing away every penny I can.<BR>I wouldn't feel good doing that now, simply because, in all actuality, it IS his money, & it wouldn't be right. So when the day comes I leave, he cold point the finger of blame/guilt, but deep down inside, doing things this "right way" would absolve me of "using anyone" the wrong way. And I could walk away feeling good (for a change) <BR>But just being able to talk to both of you makes me feel 100 times better now. And just to say "thank you for your concern" doesn't come close to the way I feel, very inappropriate! So I'll just leave it at that for now, for lack of something better to express <BR>Athena<BR>BTW: txfiddler, I peeked at your profile, and was surprised to see "risk control" under your occupation. That's exactly my husband's title also, for an insurance company, which he inspects alot of property in Witchita Falls. And how true about feeling a permanent part of "Misfit Island"!My favorite was always the toy train with square wheels But I feel I look more like the big white "Bumble"........lol <p>[This message has been edited by Athena_TX (edited July 28, 1999).]

You're funny! You said previously that you have about 2 more months till you finish your studies. Is that when you plan on getting a job?? How does your H feel about that? Or are looking for anything right now? I'm serious, as soon as you get a cash flow--sock it away and then you can drop the bomb when the time is right! There's nothing like the feeling of getting knocked on your a*s and in total shock. I think I'm about to take that route myself!!

txfiddler,<BR>I believe that, if a person going through hard times,(relationship, money troubles, etc.) HAS to have a sense of humor in order to survive! Life is much to hard/serious without one.<BR>My H is pretty supportive when it comes to me & my new career. That doesn't surprise me though. Remember hun, he works at home ALOT, and with me at work Mon-Fri, 9-5, leaves him an awful lot of privacy & time alone with his computer, doing whatever he wants, without fear of getting caught! And to make matters sweeter, an additional paycheck & a warm live body home at night! What a perfect situation for a man such as he. Right?<P>It breaks my heart to hear "you're ready to run", that situations have gotten that bad for you too. You're very kind.<BR>I've got awfully big shoulders & I'm a great compassionate listener if you need to talk <BR>One "misfit" to another <BR>

Athena_TX,<BR>I just want to tell you that my husband is also a member of the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" club....big time. I also fell madly in love with him because he saved me from an abusive relationship and he was sooo sweet and loving and life with him LOOKED like it would be wonderful....everything that I was wishing for. Then we got married...and things started to go down hill fast. First we moved about 200 miles from home for his job. So I didn't have any friends either and he never had any time to spend with me. Then of course everything that went wrong was my fault, the house was never clean enough, nothing I did was right. He'd come home in a bad mood and bit e my head off, call me names, belittle me and my family. And the weird thing that started happening was he would get real angry over something I didn't do exactly as he would've and he'd start throwing things...after a while he started to throw thing AT ME....then he was breaking things (lots of things) ...then he started pushing me, which led to more physical abuse (emotional abuse continued). But always, between these angry outburst, he was the sweet, loving man I fell in love with, being kind and nice. But then just as quick as he turned nice he would turn evil. Of course i didn't see the pattern at first, I would just think " Oh thank heaven, he's seen what he's been doing and he's going to be my sweetheart again.". And he would be mad an hour later, a day later or when ever. i thought I was going nuts too because he was saying it was all me, all my fault that he was acting that way and I believed him. He also has addictions...to alchohol and to internet porn. ( I really hate that internet porn!!!) We went to see a counseler and that worked for about oh 3 weeks and he won't go back. Well all that I know now is that all of that kind of behavior is HIS. And after alot of pain, tears and suffering I decided that he could act that way, waste his life being that way if he wanted I'm not going to let it ruin my life any more. Don't let your H control you any more. All that "You would have nothing without me" is his way to hang on to his control of you. I've heard that one and variations of it over and over again too! Don't let it stop you from starting your get-way-plan!<BR>Just remember, it's him not you, your not alone...there are alot of us out here with angry/abusive men!....and most importantly...if he can not take responsibilty for his behavior and the pain that he's caused you he will never change. <BR>Good luck...get out as quick as you can!

Dearest ok<BR>I can't write more than a few words right now, cause he's home poking around & I can't let him see this...I just snuck in to see if there were any new postings while he was out mowing the lawn, and saw yours.<BR>My heart was truly moved by post. absolutely everything you just described to me is MY LIFE, and it was heartbreaking to hear someone else is/was experiencing the same exact things!<BR>But at the same time, I'm elated to find someone who knows EXACTLY what it's like....especially the deep seeded anger/hatred for that damn net porn (and all other included, even though I'm far from being frigid/prudish).......<BR>I'll write more tomorrow morning when he leaves for a small day trip.<BR>But for now, think of the following as "such a big heartfelt bearhug"...<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ok}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Very sincerely,<BR>athena

To anyone:<BR>I need to vent I'm about to flip I'm spiraling downward faster & faster as this day rolls on, feeling worse than dredge.<BR>All because of a "pair of boots".......<BR>I actually had a pretty decent weekend. H was being pretty nice & showing his loving side quite a bit. and as I've learned from past mistakes, to pamper his ego every single time he does something "good", ex: "My God Honey, you are the most gorgeous man I've ever seen in that new suit!","Nobody in the world barbecue's a steak as wonderful as you do!","Thank you so much for fixing my earring!"...things I normally say, from my upbringing, but (with him), walking on eggshells & making a 1000% conscious effort NEVER to forget to say something wonderful for him, and trying NEVER to say anything that he may conceive as "criticism"....or he'll freak!! "Oh no honey, it's ok you put your cigarette ashes in the bathroom sink", "no honey, you have a right to storm away angry because I didn't answer you within the 3 seconds you usually allow", etc.........get the scene?????<BR>Like I stated....all weekend was pretty good, then WHAM......H couldn't find his boots this morning before he left for work. And that's when all hell broke loose. After 5 minutes of him looking (cursing, hollering, etc), I help him & find them for him. While searching though, I sweetly say (a very conscious effort to difuse his temper!)"Baby, I"m helping, try not to get upset, we'll find them. Getting angry doesn't help them appear any faster".....<BR>Well folks, guess what?! I guess I screwed up bigtime! Because from that second on, he really started storming around, slamming things, with the usual "Woe is me...I'm Mr.[censored]-up", badmouthing attitude, screaming at me at how "I'm always critising him, he never does anything right in my eyes, blah blah blah".....literally SCREAMING at me from the driveway, at the top of his lungs, while I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, completely baffled as to "NOW what the hell did I do?????????"<BR>At first, I was angry, cause I know I didn't do anything to warrant that behavior, but I made sure not to say (merely just letting him off once AGAIN for his bad/childish & unwarranted behavior) anything except "See you when you get home", but the depression was already setting in. So after an hour or 2, I called his voicemail (something he's likely to check during the day), and I apologized for MY critisicms this morning, very sweetly, trying to sound as sincere as possible, ONCE AGAIN, trying to diffuse the fire before he comes home! Cause if he comes home angry, he'll just give me the usual silent treatment (or worse, verbal attacks w/household items being broken) for the next week.........To make matters more delicate, we're due to leave this Wed. for a car-trip to PA for my baby sister's wedding. Can you imagine the "worse case scenerio" locked within the confines of a car when he's this touchy/sensitive?!?!? I can, cause "been there/done that" & it's pure hell!<BR>I feel like such a lowlife this minute......I caved in to him AGAIN!!!! I feel so friggin weak, no self-esteem, no courage, no nothing......and it's not even lunchtime yet. but what's my alternative? To fight back (right now)??????? That's even worse!!!!!!!!!<BR>I'm so damn heartsick right now, it's unbelievable.....and now I get to sit here & wait til he comes home & see what's gonna transpire....... <BR>Thanks for listening...

Hey, I feel for you. Try not to let it get you down. I know it's hard. It's like, "why am I wasting all this energy on this bad crap when I could be doing something positive in this world?" I know, just like alot of others on this site, exactly what your talking about. Guess what!?! I had something similar happen to me this weekend. On Friday, I was going to confront my wife about our problems and such and I did. I called her while I was at work and we battled it out for awhile. I knew that she was going to tell me that I had to leave and I had plans to follow through with it. Well, she ended up telling me that I should pack my sh*t up and get out. After going home and packing my suitcase, she called me from her work and said if I left it would be forever and no matter what I couldn't come back. I reminded her that she told me to leave and I was just doing what she wanted. After awhile though I finally decided to stay home. I wonder what would have happened if I had really left? Maybe she was bluffing? Who knows? I really did get part of what I wanted, which is better than nothing. Maybe the emotional and verbal abuse will stop. I'm going to get you a list of assertive rights that was given to me by Theressa. She has been so helpful for me. I am going to post this list on our fridge for us to live by. At least it's a start. Please don't give up, Athena, remember who you are and what a strong person you have been. I am still in denial because I think I can change her. But I'm starting to realize that you can't change the essense of a person, no matter what. It is their soul, their root of existance. Know what I mean?? Keep your chin up......

txfiddler,<BR>Hi hun Haven't heard from you in a little while & was thinking of you. And if you're happy with the way things worked out over the weekend with your W, then I'm happy for you too! It's much better to come to any compromise to work things out then to "run" (for both our situations). Just don't let your W think she has the upper hand now because you decided to "not leave". Abusive people sometimes think that's a sign of weakness, or caving in to their ultimatums/threats, just because we love them & desire to work things out. I know that part, cause that's the way my H thinks at times. Like when he came home yesterday....<BR>He got the voicemail I left & everything was fine & dandy when he got home. He was satisfied that I took the blame for EVERYTHING that transpired that morning & excused that horrendous behavoir of his. So now he's back to being in a better mood again, and at least life is somewhat livable here. At least until the next blowout, that could take place, anywhere from the next 3 hours to 3 days.....<BR>We'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon for PA, and will probably be back the 11th or 12th.<BR>Just remember txfiddler, somebody out here feels for you too, sympathizes & understands, and loves hearing from you........me! <BR>{{{{{{{{{txfiddler}}}}}}}}}}<---consider that a great big thank you hug, for caring & being there for me <BR>I'll be anxious to hear how things are going w/you, sort of an update & I'll write when I get back home. Please take good care of yourself!

Hi Athena,<P>Don't is suck that it's so much easier to back down and let the spouse get his/her way!!! I know that I got some (teeny, tiny bit) of what I was asking/fighting for on Friday, but in the end I still backed down and didn't carry through with my plan 100%. I just could kick myself right now!! It sounds like, for the moment things are going as good as they can right now for you. Just remember you have us for support. I know how you get, sometimes I get so down or frustrated I could just scream!! But it's better to try get what you want by being flexible and "blending" instead of conflicting. I really feel for you, by the way thanks for the hugs!!!!! {{{{{{{{athena}}}}}}} consider that a thank-you hug!!!! Here is the list that Theressa has given to me. It's called the list of assertive rights:<P>1. I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independently of any roles that I may assume in my life.<P>2. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.<P>3. I have the right to express my feelings.<P>4. I have the right to express my opinion and values.<P>5. I have the right to make mistakes.<P>6. I have the right to say "yes" and "no" for myself.<P>7. I have the right to change my mind.<P>8. I have the right to say "I don't understand".<P>9. I have the right to ask for what I want.<P>10. I have the right to decline responsibility for other peoples problems.<P>11. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.<P>I hope this list helps some, even if you keep it to yourself for a while. Be good out there, I think I'm gonna go see the Cowboys practice sometime this week. Not looking forward to the heat, though. Catch ya later.

Hello everyone!<BR>Sorry that I haven't written...I've been "grounded" from the computer! Now I'm just gonna say Thank You for the hug! I couldn't believe how much we had in common in the husband/wife department either..when your in the middle of living this rocky Dr. J/Mr. H life you think that no one else could understand what your going through because you can hardly believe your self! It happeneds so slowly and gets so crazy and of course we think that we are CRAZY. Well, anyway it's nice to know we are not alone! I will be thinking of you guys and praying that things work out. Please try to stay safe and remember HE/SHE is the one with the problem

Athena,<P>First of all, I wanted to thank you for your kind words to me the other day! Second of all, I want to say that I'm concerned about you and your safety. Others have stated that here, and I totally realize that you won't be back for a few days yet. The interesting thing is that I'm in PA and if I knew where you were, I'd come to see you and talk to you face to face to put skin on some of the words I'm going to tell you now.<P>I understand the trap that you are in. I also believe in divine appointments. I used to live in North Texas, so I have contacts in North Texas if you need them. I'm also now in PA where it seems you used to live. Now isn't that a coincidence...NOT! God always has a way with things. He brings people into our lives at certain times to speak the words that we need to hear.<P>You are not safe where you are...it is very clear. The very fact that your H has gotten his weapon out and toted it around is very strong evidence of the total lack of safety for you. Did you know it takes an average of 8 times before a woman leaves for good? You are not alone dear heart...but I want you to listen very clearly to me ....<P>1. You are not responsible for your husband's behavior ever. He is!<P>2. You are not responsible for getting him help. He is!<P>3. You are not his mother, never will be, and it's time for him to grow up.<P>4. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even love himself. He thinks the porn is what he needs, but it's contributing to his total demise and it actually is causing him to hate himself more because he is so addicted and he hates that he is so addicted that is why he turns the anger on you.<P>5. He will never be safe for you until he takes full responsibility for his failings in life. That is just a fact.<P>6. If he can isolate you, which he's done in taking you 1500 miles away from all that you know, he thinks he has absolute control over you which is a power game. If you read Dr. Susan Forwards book, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" you will recognize a lot of these traits.<P>7. So you are doing right in talking to others, but I want you to know there are resources available to you in Texas. You have the right to a protection order ...and if I were you...I would get one as soon as possible. <P>8. Don't fall for the guilt trips that he places on you about all the money he's spent. That's part of supporting a wife. But he's not been a real husband to you either. He's broken his marriage covenant to you time and time again with his internet infidelity. If he met you on the internet, you can be sure he still has many other women he's connecting with on the net...just a fact...especially if he is hiding all of his history on his computer.<P>Now...you have some choices...you can get away from this situation. I know he did a lot for you in getting you away from a physically abusive man, but staying with this abusive man will not help either of you. I doubt this man you are married to will change short of shock treatment or a divine confrontation much like Saul on the road to Damascus.<P>I'm talking straight to you cause that is what I needed in order to stop the abuse in my marriage. My husband is going to counseling, but he's not going to be here until I can be assured that the aggression will not return. I've been the protection order route before...and having my H arrested before for assaulting me, so I know what it's like. It's always hard to hold someone you care about accountable, but it's the right kind of love...and the best kind of love. Love says, "I'm not going to allow you to hurt me or anyone else." Your husband is hurting you...it's very clear.<P>Athena, with all of the care in my heart, I'm telling you to get out, find a shelter, and I'll help you with contacts in North Texas if you need them. There are places and loving people that you can go to. You are not alone. You need to love you enough to say no to the abuse, once and for all. To take time to learn what a healthy relationship is about, and find someone who will truly love you. I do not advocate divorce normally, but in an abusive situation where the woman is not safe...I advocate safety above divorce.<P>Just know that I am concerned for you and want you to be free of the pain. Take care friend, and I look forward to your return. I will pray for your safety. You can email me if you wish at lamblfr@epix.net.<P>God's blessings!<BR>Ramy

Athena--<P>I've been reading your posts. I'm sorry I haven't responded until now, I really didn't know what to say other than chin up, take care of yourself, etc. I think I've read enough now to start taking a stab in the advice department. As always with advice, listen and learn, take from it what you feel helps, discard the rest! :-)<P>Your situation reminds me very much of my girlfriend's. I met her at local aol parties. She came from abusive situations and has 3 kids. Her internet "knight in shining armor" drove thousands of miles back and forth to settle her and the kids with him with plans of marriage, in the same type of controlling, dependent-upon-him situation. Sounded awful (and yes, I know I only got to hear her side of the story). He continued his online addictions of porn and talking to other women. He doled out the money as HE saw fit. Drugs were involved; she'd had a past drug problem herself and fell right back into it with him. She was finally able to get a job, started saving her money and was outta there as soon as she could swing it. I fear however, that her quickie marriage to another man was too soon--sounds like it's not going well. :-(<P>Please correspond with Ramy concerning her offer of friendly help in your area. How kind of her! Even if you decide to stay where you are, have that information for just in case. <P>It sounds like you are both emotionally charged people, you and your hubby. Old habits die hard, and as you know, so does past baggage which we both bring into a new relationship. If you are going to make your marriage work, you've absolutely got to learn to communicate, both of you, without resorting to in his case, rages, blame, threats of harm (to you OR himself), and storm-outs, and in your case, vocalizing self-blame if only for the effect of calming your husband. We women especially tend to automatically take blame for things, we are the "caregivers" and somehow wind up feeling it's our "lot in life." Well, it's not a good learning experience, even for the men when we do that! You wind up enabling him to continue on with his problems. <P>txfiddler's sharing of the list of assertive rights--great list. Read them, live them. :-) I'm going to refer back to them myself and also share them with H. thanks, txfiddler.<P>I'm generalizing (sorry guys)...a man's ego is a very delicate thing. As a woman has the intense desire to feel cherished and secure, a man is dependent upon how he relates to his own ego--he thrives on being the provider, the protector, the "best darn cave man outta the bunch." It is inherent. (Your H felt really good about himself when he saved you from your former situation--without him understanding what makes him tick, combined with REALITY, he could be ripe and primed to be ANOTHER woman's knight in order to conjure up those good feelings again.) However, you can cater to his ego without losing yourself. Do NOT cater to it to the point of belittling yourself. The man suddenly feels like hey, wait a minute, she's my prize, why is she acting all wilty and worthless? I have failed in making my prize happy! See? When you cater to it beyond the point of your own self-worth, it backfires. And Athena, you simply don't have to. It could be as small a thing as your wording, but you've got to get HIM thinking of his actions and taking responsibility for them. Maybe, instead of taking the blame for him being unable to find his boots, say "I'm sorry you've lost them. Would you like me to help you look?" Responses to his voiced frustrations something like "I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" or "I understand you feel that way." You do NOT have to get sucked into his selfish, depressed abyss. It's hard, I know...when one's personality is overwhelming the other, sometimes it's just easier to let them "win." Don't. Reflect it back, as calmly as possible. <P>Sounds to me like a first step might be to eliminate as much of the arguing as you can. I realize it will seem one-sided especially in the beginning. But if your marriage is to work, arguments have GOT to become few and far between, both finding other ways to handle their emotions. He will probably again and again peel out of the driveway, screaming. Well, let him. It gives him the opportunity to think about what happened, and whew boy, does he ever need to! :-) I like Dr. John Gray's advice: let a man go off into his cave and figure out a solution in his own way. he will be better able to share himself when he returns. Sometimes the best you can hope for, and actually, it IS a good thing--work on getting him to verbalize "I need to leave but I will be back" and maybe even a possible time of when to expect him. (I agree with you, his computer time is excessive/addictive to the extreme, it's also very private it seems, keeping secrets from you?--not good, another thing to work on, BUT first things first--it's another way he withdraws into his "cave.") When this happens, take the time yourself to heal after a confrontation, without allowing your feelings to hinge upon his. You do NOT need his acceptance in order to be a whole person; you already ARE a whole person! Find those things that make you whole. They're there just waiting to come out.<P>I'm glad you're so close to obtaining your computer certificate. It will seem like a whole new world is open to you by having your own money available, making new friends, getting out of the house. Have you and H discussed how your money will be deposited and utilized? I hope you've come to an agreement (and I do understand your situation is volatile right now, you may not be staying--I'm operating on what I hear in your words, you love him, you keep hoping). Money issues can be a huge battle if not understood and agreed.<P>The things I've suggested are ways that might help to calm situations initially. You already know you've got an uphill battle. I would hope that if/when your homelife becomes more open to GOOD communication, he will be agreeable to counseling. THAT's what I truly believe is warranted, but when someone doesn't want to go, you can't make them. <P>Keep posting. Do not give up hope--the hope for YOURSELF. :-) BTW, I read between the lines your underlying humor. That's a wonderful quality to have!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Guess who's home <BR>Hi everyone! <BR>Right off the bat, I want to say, how much your concern's & caring letters choked me up when I read them late Friday night when I got home (this morning being the first safe time I could reply). If I was alone (in the house) while reading them, no doubt I would of broken down completely & cried like an idiot! Then having to deal with all that smeared makeup, runny red nose & blotchy skin! <BR>I've cut/pasted all those wonderful suggestions & lists everyone has been kind enough to share, and have them hidden deep within the recesses of my computer (so well even I can't find them at times!), and referre to them when the darkness envelopes again....like the past 5 days!<BR>The week-long trip went fine, actually. We started to have another big argument initially when we left, but I was able to quickly diffuse it. My baby sister's wedding went wonderful, and even hubby was loving, attentive & considerate during the whole time up there. <BR>Then, on the three day trip home, on the second morning we awoke in our hotel room (guess who woke up like a hungry bear, with no forewarning!), all sh*t hit the fan in a big way! No matter what I said, did, facial expression, didn't say, didn't do quick enough, or respond to, wasn't right. He literally didn't say "one word" to me for the remainder of the trip, unless he was yelling/screaming at me for not being able to read his mind. I never felt so whipped in my life.....quickly scurrying to a truckstop bathroom when he stopped for gas, or to get coffee for himself, not eating for two days, etc., just so we could get home quicker & I could retreat to the bedroom (where the majority of my stuff is, computer, etc) and be alone, cause it was better than being so close to him & the nasty treatments he was inflicting. But things didn't get any better. Now he was on his own "home field advantage".<BR>By saturday afternoon, I mentally and emotionally could take anymore of his badgering/sarcastic digs/threats(of his leaving/hurting himself). Then I flipped.....I let EVERYTHING out, all the hurts, distrusts, his deceits, his abuse. It was like a broken damn that overflowed & wouldn't stop. He left, he came back, same ol'routine once more.Punishing me with silent treatments or icy cold looks when passing rooms........<BR>We're still not talking this morning, only for the fact of him telling me that "even my talking/arguing/rationality is completely disillusional(?spelling), and here I sit now, venting this out. At least I have a bit of peace this week...he's in "mandatory laptop training" this whole week, away from home.<BR>Now comes the time I have to focus on these last two national exams, because it's my way out, if need be. Pure independence!<BR>However....yes Ramy, I will not hesitate to contact you for your incredible generous offer of help, if he ever turns his physical threats towards me again. I realize I *am* playing with fire, but I have to see things through this way, for my own sake. But I *do know* (from 13 yrs past) of the severe danger signs, times where your instinct tells you "girl, you BETTER keep your sneakers on, cause it's almost time to run like hell!"<BR>Ramy: On that note.....yes hun, it never ceases to amaze me how God (or the fates) work to bring people together.I lived most of my life in the eastern part of PA, in & around the Poconos, and now down here in North Central Texas. Of all the websites, all over the world, I had to walk into this one! (silly analogy to the movie Casablanca! lol)<BR>Ramy, txfiddler, ok, Lucks & Becky, you are the sweetest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and just knowing your out there, makes me feel stronger, not so alone in the darkness.<BR>What I wouldn't give just to be able to give each & everyone of you a real life, heartfelt, thank you hug, and to be there for all of you too. It's a sad case that we have to be here to begin with, for our own reasons, that each & every one of us can relate to in some way or another, but it also makes it that much easier when you see kind & friendly hands reaching to you out of that darkness.

Hey, Athena.....<P>We know you will keep your chin up and hang in there. Maybe with your H gone this week it will give you some time to re-charge your batteries. If I could pack my Mom and W in a box and ship them far, far away I would be a very happy man!! I came real close to leaving her this weekend, but that is exactly what my Mom wants even though she won't admit it. Anyway, I hope that list does you some good as well as the other advise from the rest of the cast. We are all here for each other!!!