I am so angry and hurt right now. We started counseling this morning. I thought we were going to work out our problems. He told the counselor that he just wanted to figure out how to do the divorce nicely. From that point on I could barely talk. I wanted to slap and hit him. We did make another appt. but who knows whether we'll go. He's out in the field (he's a farmer) right now thinking about what he wants to do. The ride home was a nightmare - he wants the boys to live with him on the farm and that I should move out. I yelled at him that he can't take my boys from me and he started yelling back that this is why he wants this - I don't listen to him and am too emotional. He tells me that the boys are going to live with him and I'm not supposed to get upset?? When we got home we told the boys - instant screaming and crying - "Mommy don't leave". My heart was ripped opened even more. I feel like my boys think I'm abandoning them - and why shouldn't they? I feel like this is all my fault. I know it can't be just my fault but that is what I'm feeling. The boys (4 & 7) cried and screamed so much that my husband is now "rethinking" this. Maybe just a seperation with a promise to me that we will continue counseling towards the goal of working out our problems. Would I be doing the right thing by agreeing to this? So now I sit here waiting until he comes home with his decision. Stay and work it out or seperate and work it out or just divorce. Isn't life just grand?? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hope,<P>I don't know about these things very much, but I do think that what you do now can very much affect the outcome if the matter of custody goes to the court. The person who leaves is presumed in some way to have abandoned those left behind. Your husband might use that against you in custody hearings later. So, I think you need legal counsel before you do anything.<P>Can you tell us more about your situation? Why does your H want a divorce?<P>-AD

More about myself - married almost 15 years - I was 19 - he was 20. Two children - boys 4 and 7. My feelings - he has put down everything about me - intelligence - emotional (I'm too emotional) - sexual - rotten housekeeper - horrid mother who can't control the boys - I don't support him - he has no respect for me. You name it - he's found fault. His feelings - all that I am he can't take anymore - he wants to end this marriage before he ends up hating me. He can't feel that this will ever work out that - we'll both be happy with each other. He told me that he wanted a divorce 6 days ago.

Hope,<P>It sounds like your H is verbally abusive. I'm sorry. It's hard to live with that. <P>If you are "too emotional", what is he? If he is calling you names, yelling at you in the counseling session, I would say that he is rather emotional himself.<P>In most cases, the mother gets primary custody of the children - especially young children (at least that's what I have heard). So, I recommend that you go see a lawyer and talk about it. It might not even cost anything for the initial consultation. I think the lawyer can set your mind at ease about some things and give you some guidelines on what you should and should not do right now - to preserve your interests later - if it does go to divorce.<P>I know you are hurting. Read as much as you can from this site - and ask more questions here. Right now, it seems like some of the old faithful are not around, but there are some people here who can help you.<P>I strongly recommend that you do not leave without your children.<P>Now, more questions...<P>Do you feel physically threatened?<P>Has your husband always treated you this way?<P>Do you suspect he is having an affair?<P>You said that "you wanted to slap and hit him". Do you sometimes do that? Do you do that to the boys?<P>-AD

Hope,<P>This is a very difficult and emotional time for you.<P>Unfortunately, the your too emotional is a defense used by men on a regular basis. Most men through no fault of their own, really don't understand a womans need to cry. Heck a lot of the times WE don't understand it..<P>H says "Why are you crying" we say In whiney voice " I.........DON'T..........KNOW" **sniff**<P>I understand that he is not being positive in the things he is saying, but can you draw back from it and try and see through his eyes where there is even a partial grain of truth to what he said?<P>I am also concerned by the same thing that Abandoned Dad is......Do you slap and hit?<P>This forum is set up for you to talk and be as honest as you can be about yourself. WE try to not be judgemental (notice the word try) but sometimes we can be brutally honest.<P>Look inside yourself for some of the answers and see what you come up with.<P>-Kat-

AbandonedDad in answer to your questions <P>Do you feel physically threatened?<BR> no I don't - I know he'd never hurt me or the boys<P>Has your husband always treated you this way?<BR> He's been this way from the start - things have just gotten worse as time went on.<P>Do you suspect he is having an affair? <BR> I asked him point blank and he said no there wasn't anyone. The only thing that makes me nervous is that he talks a lot about a woman at work. I don't feel he'd actually do anything right now but I'm worried that he has strong feelings for her.<P>You said that "you wanted to slap and hit him". Do you sometimes do that? Do you do that to the boys? <BR> No I don't. I have never hit or slapped him or the kids. I felt so helpless and out of control at the time that I wanted to do that. He wants to take my kids - just thinking about that makes me angry. I have never felt that type of anger or fear before. But that type of actions don't solve anything. Just makes things worse. <P>Kat -<P>The worst thing through all of this is that I realize what I have done to cause this - that hurts just as deeply as everything else. I want honesty from the posts I make - I need honesty right now even if it causes more pain. <P>There are a lot of things going through my head. Most I won't act on because they are just hurt and anger thoughts. I am doing as much reading as I can. Trying to find the answers - looking for comfort - searching for hope. I've become so numb right now that I can't even seem to pray anymore. I try to pray to God - asking and pleading but I can't seem to do it. <P>He still hasn't made a decision on what he actually wants - Stay and work it out or seperate and work it out or just divorce. Monday I am contacting a lawyer to figure out what my rights are. I have to protect myself and my boys. <P>Any advice is welcome. I know I've found a good place to come to talk about this. Thank you everyone for all you have said so far. I truly need and appreciate this!!<P>Hope

Hope,<P>I think contacting an attorney is a good thing, but remember they make money off divorces, so sometimes don't help matters much.<P>I was married to a man for 15 years that told me I was to emotional and didn't think logically, when I finally wanted a divorce he told me he wanted the children.<P>I wailed and nashed and cried and said NO MAN is taking my kids from me. Then I calmed down and asked him WHY. After all he had really not been involved in the kids lives so why would he want them now.<P>Well his **logic** was he could keep up the payments on the house (he hadn't worked in two years and i was working two jobs to support us) he could keep the kids in the home with thier friends close by and in the school that they were already in.<P>Now because of the fact that I bought into all that he said about me not thinking rationally. I sat and thougth about what was best for my kids. Decided that stability, was the best I could offer them at the moment. So I agreed to let him have the children. <P>But I did have it written into the Divorce Agreement that the children could choose to change custodial parents at any time with NO COURT INTERVENTION. ie...no custody battle<P>Within 4 months all the children had moved in with me. It gave the kids a feeling of power in a situation that most kids feel powerless in. I don't know if that helps you at all.<P>-Kat-

I strongly suspect that he<BR>1) is having an affair<BR>2) doesn't want to lose the farm<BR>3) wants to move his affair partner in and continue his current life with only one difference - a new "mother" for the kids<P>Please don't leave - it is highly doubtful that he would get custody of your kids unless you do.

Hope,<P>I'm glad some other ladies have joined in here to help you.<P>For us to help, you have to give us as much information as possible.<P>You said <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The worst thing through all of this is that I realize what I have done to cause this - that hurts just as deeply as everything else. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What do you think you have done to cause this?<P>I agree with Nellie that there is a good chance that he is having an affair. Here on MB we talk about two kinds of affairs "Emotional Affairs" (EA) which basicly involved a strong emotional attachment without sexual involvment, and "Physical Affairs" (PA) - the kind most people mean when they say an affair. Even an EA is very damaging to the marriage. From what you have written it seems that you husband has a strong emotional attachment to a woman at work. If that is a two-sided relationship (she feels the same about him) then we would call it an EA - and it is a serious problem - often leading to a PA.<P>Don't believe everything your H tells you. I'm sorry to say that. Maybe he is honest, but maybe he isn't. Especially don't believe it when he tells you it is "all your fault". Just from what you have told us about him, I can say that he has serious faults himself as a marriage partner. Don't blame yourself for everything. On the other, you, undoubtedly have some faults. We all do. Learning how to correct these is really what this site is about. Keep reading and asking questions.<P>-AD

AD you ask what my part in this is because of the statement I've made. I am too emotional - I realize that and that's one thing he hates. I get upset so easily when he hurts me - even when he isn't meaning to. He dislikes how I keep the house. I am a horrid housekeeper but I wasn't willing to change to make him happy and I regret that know. I've been selfish wanting to "punish" him and I did that by not being the way he needs me to be. <P>I hope that answers your question. <P>Hope

Hope<BR>PLEASE, go to the "just found out" section of the form and read the welcome to newcomers. This gives you a TON of information that will help. Spend as much time as you can reading the material on this sight. This will help you to be on the "same page" as everyone else. <BR>You are in the right place. You will get help here. If you read here, post and ask, you will start a personal growth that will astound you.<P>Please DON't leave your house!!!!!!!!!!<BR>You stand to loose everything if you do.<P>Now, get to it. Start reading. this takes time and we all want you to succeed.

Once they start telling lies, they don't know when to stop. <P>The day mine told me about 3 A's he'd had in 8 years (yeah, right) I asked if there was someone now. I asked that question at least 6 times because he was in such a rush to get out the door and get a divorce. Everytime he said no. Well, one week later he was seen in his car with her. I asked him why he lied and he said he didn't think it was relevant because he wasn't leaving because of her. Right.<P>As another contributor stated so well: If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck - it's a duck.<P>Quack Quack.

Hope. Do not leave the house under any circumstances. You will not get the children if you do. Get the best attorney you can find and prepare yourself for a possible D. Start working on you and the children and READ read everything you can on this site. Do not stop going to councilors, but do not beg him or plead with him to reconsider. That will come only if you both want it. I know that this is painful to you but go slow and be strong. DO NOT lose your cool.

Something very strange happened yesterday. By the time my husband got home from the field I had already decided to move out and get a divorce. He told me that he had decided that also. We started talking about rental houses and things. But somewhere during this conversation things changed. We started talking - talking like we had never done before. No hurt feelings - no anger or pain going on. We just talked. We got everything out in the open. Things were said that should have been extremely painful and they weren't. By the end of the 2 hours we had decided to stay together. We are going to continue counseling - marriage and seperately. We both feel that we each need seperate counseling to help ourselves of the problems that we each have - marriage counseling to help our marriage. We both want the same things in life - we were just so busy hurting each other that we couldn't see that. I know this is going to be extremely painful and hard during the coming months. The future is still so unknown. However we are both willing to face that unknown now. This whole thing sounds so confusing - We both went from divorcing to working it out to staying commited to each other and to our marriage. I have no idea how this came about but I'm very glad it did. My only feeling on that is that God decided to tear us down to the bottom so He could completely rebuild us. <P>Hope

Hope,<P>I am so happy for you that things worked out like they did.<P>Keep coming here and talking, remember that you have to take *baby steps* now in putting it back together. But at least you are both looking in the same direction.<P>Prayers for you and you marriage.<P>-Kat- [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Kat - I know this won't be easy. It's going to take a lot of work and a lot of prayer. I'll keep you all update. One day at a time. <P>Hugs and Blessings -<P>Hope