The reason for our separation and pending divorce is his continued use of porn, but he mentally abused me for years. Now we're separated, but he continues to do so. He purposefully does things that he knows will annoy me and make me angry. <P>For example, he calls repeatedly. He knows that drives me crazy. And it does vary from day to day, but last Sunday he called at least 15 times in a three hour period. Yes, I quit answering the phone, but he doesn't stop.<P>Also, this week, he called our son's doctor to ask how to get copies of our son's medical records. Now H doesn't understand why this upsets me. I have been the only parent this child had for over 6 years. Suddenly we're separated and H thinks he can suddenly be superdad. He said he wanted the medical records so he knew what was going on with our son. First of all, I have always informed him of what was going on - our son has allergies (food/animals/plants/etc) - and have never left him out on anything, even when he showed absolutely no interest. H found out, when he called the doc's office, that our son's doctor had left that practice and had started his own practice. H had the gall to e-mail me and ask me if I knew this. Of couse I do - he's my son's doctor. For that matter, he's my doctor, too, but not my H's.<P>Last weekend he also spent ten minutes on the phone telling me how terrible I was and how everbody he knew thought I was terrible. I also just started a new job, and he was negative about my new job - just because it doesn't pay what my old one did - I was laid off from the last job and have been unemployed for three months - I was happy to get a job.<P>I could go on and on about things he's done to irritate me and aggravate me, but it's kind of pointless.<P>I'm just hoping somebody out there can help me learn how to deal with the mental abuse he continues to dish out.

Confused,<P>I am sorry that you are going through all this aggravation and stress. This certainly isn't easy for you.<P>I know that you are going to get many opinions on this so take them all and use what you can.<P>I hear a lot of frustration, and am not sure if you have read any of the books or articles about MB.<P>I would suggest number 1 in order for him to not push your buttons, you have to OWN those emotions. They are yours, not his. Yes he is doing things to cause them.<P>If you continue to respond to them then he will continue to do them.<P>As for him getting the medical records, let him invite him to come to the doctors with you, make him so much a part of the medical issues that he will know that child inside and out.<P>As for the phone calls, turn off the ringer and monitor the answering machine. Don't let him know that he is making you crazy, Be sweet thank him for his concern and then be on your way.<P>With him putting you down, no one likes to be put down and apparently he has a need to make himself feel better then you. I think I would just say. Ok you know what, really this isn't your concern, so the conversation is now over.(as for your job)<P>Don't give him ammo. Be sweet. Then go bandage your tongue from the bite marks.<P>Good luck<P>-Kat-

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by So Very Confused:<BR><STRONG>I'm just hoping somebody out there can help me learn how to deal with the mental abuse he continues to dish out.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Counseling.</B> It isn't always as easy as other people make it sound, to just not let the words and actions bother you. Sometimes you need help learning <I>how</I> to do this.<P>My counselor did a little hypnosis-type thing with me. I had a strong aversion to coffee because of some abuse incidents and just plain reminders of a miserable life. I could not stand the sight, smell, color of anything coffee-related ... and in today's world, THIS can be a huge problem! *grin*<P>The therapist helped me to associate a different mental image with the trigger. Before, I would wretch at the smell of coffee brewing, or at a coffee stain on a counter ... now, I grin a knowing smirk and go on with my business.<P>I think emotional abuse is harder to overcome than physical abuse.

So Confused and TLC,<P>I am really sorry if I made it sound like it was easy.<P>Believe me I know it isn't. I am dealing with the same issues myself.<P>I have to constantly say. These belong to him not me..I do not accept that about myself.<P>I have to breath....(sigh) relax and NOT react.<P>I have a H who loves to make me crazed when we have an arguement. To the point where I am shaking and yelling. Then say<P>"there is no reason to yell I am right here and I am not raising my voice"<P>So I do know, all I was trying to do is offer support and some ideas.<P>I do have to agree that counseling is a good idea, but not all can afford it, so you do what you can with what you have.<P>-Kat-

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by -Kat-:<BR><STRONG>I am really sorry if I made it sound like it was easy.<BR>So I do know, all I was trying to do is offer support and some ideas.<BR></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It wasn't aimed at you at all, in case maybe you thought it was. *smile*

TLC,<P>After I read your reply I went back and read my own letter and thought...OH SURE easy for you to say....pointing finger at myself..<P>Just thought I would try and clarify that none of it is easy......grrrrrrr if it was then none of us would need to be here.<BR>-Kat-<BR> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Kat and T-L-C,<P>Thanks for your replies. You're both right - it's not easy. I keep telling myself not to let him get the best of me, but it's hard. After 15 years of marriage, he knows how to upset me. I keep saying I'm going to be nice and sweet when I have to talk to him, but he makes it so very difficult.<P>As far as counseling, I could probably afford it because my insurance would cover most of it, but honestly, I just don't have time right now. With the new job, it's going to be tough enough to even go to see my lawyer this week - it just takes so much time. Besides, at this point, my H is already trying to tell me I'm "wacko" and wouldn't he love to use the info that I went to see a counselor against me!<P>Today has been pretty quiet. H only called once to say hi to his son - but we were out so he left a message, and once to tell him good night. He never attempted to talk to me. But it also makes me concerned about tomorrow. If he doesn't call for a day or two, it seems to be worse the next day. But for now he doesn't know my direct number at work, and don't think he's got the nerve to call the main number yet. I'm hoping my lawyer will have some insight on how to control the phone calls, though. To me, they're harrassment, but I don't know if they are legally.<P>Maybe after a separation agreement is signed, I can feel comfortable about going to a counselor, and maybe by then I'll be more established in my job that I could take a little extra time off.

Just today I had occasion to use some things I've learned from Patricia Evan's book on verbal abuse. In case you haven't read it, she explains that abusers live in a different reality where they behave in a way to gain "power over". The rest of us live in a reality where we seek to connect and understand the people important to us. Things my H has said in the past has reduced me to tears and left me quaking in my boots. I had the mistaken belief that his behavior and attitude would change if I could just find the right words to explain how I feel. I don't waste my breath or my brain cells on that futility anymore. <P>Changing the way you react can go a long way toward preserving your own peace of mind. Eventually, his behavior will change too because he won't be getting whatever it is he "gets" now when he treats you with disrespect. He know where your buttons are. It's your job to disable them (or at least move them where he can't find them).

lonesome heart,<P>I guess not reacting, no matter how badly I want to, is the key. And who is Patricia Evans, and what's the name of her book? Sounds like something I should read.<P>Thanks,<P>So Very Confused

Evans' books are Verbally Abusive Relationships, and Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out. Her website is <A HREF="http://www.verbalabuse.com" TARGET=_blank>www.verbalabuse.com</A>

So Very Confused I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is difficult enough to walk away from a relationship when it is not working, but to have emotional abuse still continue is worse. I am now divorced... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] but that doesn't stop my XH wishing me dead on Saturday!! And swearing at me... but I answered the phone... If only I wouldn't... but I always think... maybe this time we will just talk... <P>Sorry I don't have advice for you, but you are not a lone... Maybe one day we will be strong enough to not let them get to us...<P>Pantha

yes, learning to react differently..<P>have you contacted a womans shelter,<BR>they may have a support group you<BR>can join..or even a local church?

Hi there,<P>After spending a year plus in trying to understand what was going on in my life past and present, I totally understand your confusion. Yes, you are being emotionally and mentally abused. The phone calls are harrassment and you can ask for a restraining order against him to prevent that (well, at least have a legal recourse if he continues to harrass you).<P>It is a difficult thing to do to change our own way of thinking and feeling after being told for so long what we are supposed to be thinking and feeling. Patricia Evans' books are highly recommended by many of the abuse web sites out there. I'm currently in counseling to learn how to believe in myself again and help my children continue on in a healthy manner after growing up in an abusive house. <P>It took me a long time to realize what exactly was going on, to admit to myself that I was so controlled and had let myself become less than a doormat. It's a hard concept and not an easy path, but it seems like once the realization comes that it IS abuse, then you can start taking steps to repair it. Until then, one just spins their wheels and never address the real issues.<P>The advice you got as far as books, web sites and support groups is tremendous; any of them will start you on a healing path and the growth after that get easier. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your son!<P>Lori

I agree it isn't easy..but is a road worth<BR>traveling..if for nobody else but yourself..

Just a reminder that we have a new section to our <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000554" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> that includes abuse issues. This subject (unfortunately, it's needed) has been dealt with on this forum a few times, and each time, we learn something new.<P>I am sorry for your continued pain, <B>So Very Confused</B> and have shared it. My ex was verbally/emotionally abusive, and somewhat physically abusive. I had no idea I was being abused, although **inside** I knew it... do you know what I mean?<P>Perhaps it explains why I weighed 300 pounds right before my life blew up in my face. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I understand... and I'm sorry...

I want to thank all of you for your support, advice, and encouragement. I have a few friends I talk to regularly, but they have their own problems, and I don't want to cry on their shoulders too much. Besides, I need to "talk" mostly at 9 at night or later, and by then they're either in bed or spending time with their families. <P>lonesome heart,<BR>Thanks for the website. I'll definitely check that out.<P>Pantha,<BR>I know this sounds terrible, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who continues to answer the phone. Why do we do it when we know who it is and that we will only feel worse when we hang up the phone? I have caller ID; I can and do sometimes just not answer. My H called me a few weeks ago at 2 in the morning. He had our son, so of course I answered the phone. He just talked and talked and belittled me for an hour until I finally hung up. The weekend we split, he literally just screamed at me for a half hour on the phone. I was asked by a friend why I listened to it; I don't know, short the fact he was threatening suicide. But since he's no longer suicidal, you'd think I'd learn and ignore those calls totally.<P>Thorned Rose,<BR>I have talked to a women's shelter, but not for a support group. Problem is, my H is well-known in our community, and I would be hard-pressed to find a group of people where at least one didn't know him or know who he was. I just got a new job - 18 people in the office - 3 of them know H. There is no real freedom from him. I never thought the town I lived in was that small until I started looking for a new job and H told me he didn't want me to work anywhere where somebody knew him - I think that's almost impossible. I talk about him as little as possible at work, and I don't say anything bad on the rare occasion he is mentioned, so it really shouldn't matter. My church is too small to have a support group, but I do have a couple of friends there who will listen if I call them.<P>Bangarra,<BR>Somehow, through all of his nonsence, I have continued to believe in myself. Is my self-confidence and self-esteem what it used to be? Of course not. Funny thing: my H told me that his mother said I am not acting like myself right now. I think I'm acting like myself for the first time in years. I'm finally taking a stand for myself and my son. And it surprises me how hard it was to do that - but the day I called the women's shelter was a big step. The day I called the police because H said he was coming to the house, and I didn't know what he was going to do (he tore up stuff - walls, waterbed, my clothes, my cell phone, etc. - in the house the weekend he moved out) was an even bigger step. That was the day I felt like I was regaining control of my own life. But it sure was hard. My son has suffered most in the area of neglect by his father - very little in the emotional side. But I also don't think he will forget the small amount of emotional abuse he did receive. Of course, H will say he never mentally abused his son - or me, for that matter. And it's hard to admit you've been a doormat, but once you do, it does help you move on.<P>Nyneve,<BR>I'll check out Notable Posts/Threads. And I do know what you mean - who wants to admit they've "allowed" themself to be a victim? It's still hard for me to admit it. I was trying so hard to be the perfect wife (and mother) for so long that I began to believe that it was just my "cross to bear."<P>So Very Confused

Confused, I have a question..<P>Why do you care what other people think<BR>about this man?? So what he's well known<BR>in your community..He's an abuser..and you'd think that with him being that well known<BR>that yes, these women will know him..but<BR>wouldn't you rather them know the truth<BR>about him than have one of them think hey<BR>this man makes good money..he's available..<BR>he's charming (on the surface), hey he's a great catch..and one of them get mixed up with him??? Why do you feel the need to<BR>be his "protector", yes, that is what you are in essence doing.."protecting" him from his own actions..and facing the consequences of those actions..by not saying anything at all..And by your not working where ppl know him your still giving him control..because you are so concerened about what "his friends" think..maybe they seen it..and were just afraid to say anything, or didn't feel it their place to SAY anything..maybe they think he's an a-hole..and aren't his friends at all..but aren't saying anything to you because they don't want to pry into your business..maybe they feel that you will come to them when you are ready..or just don't know what to say to you..<P>But, don't assume that just because they know him that they automatically like him..if he treats you like dirt, I'm sure he treats them like dirt also..and by your talking about it, even in a support group, yes, they may talk to others outside of group, and word may get out..but, they aren't supposed to talk about what others discuss in group..outside of group..because it's supposed to be a safe place to share..and who knows..you may know some of the other women there, and know their husbands as well, and not know that they have been actually living the same kind of hell you have..and wouldn't you want to know that before you started dating one of them because they are now single???<P>Just somethings to consider..

Thorned Rose,<P>Guess I am protecting him. In fact, I've done that for a very long time. I made excuses for him to my friends because he was never there for me, because he put his work first, etc., etc. I guess old habits are simply hard to break.<P>And honesty, H doesn't have many friends - most of them are just business acquaintances. When somebody spends 80 hours a week at work (or more), it doesn't leave them with much time to make friends or even keep up with friendships. So, most people he knows think he's a great guy. Even H would admit that he treats everybody else he knows much better than he ever treated me.<P>As far as a support group, I just don't know if I could. Much easier to do it on-line where nobody knows who I am. But you made some very good points - and some things I will consider. Thanks.

I think I have realised why I pick the phone up - because I think maybe he'll end up saying that he loves me. But I don't think he'll ever say that again. So I have just asked him not to phone me anymore. He has also pulled the suicide act, I just don't get it. He doesn't want me back, so why should I have to deal with him wanting to kill himself. I don't think he'll ever do it, probably a call for attention. He will have to ask someone else to get him through those dark hours, it can't be me anymore. <p>Good luck with how you will deal with your situation. Once again I don't have advice, just sharing my experience. It is really strange when sometime else has told you that they have had similar experiences. Comforting in a way... scarey in another way...<p>But do remember what he says is not the truth, it is used to break you down and somehow stop you from moving on. If you have to listen to him, just don't believe anything negative. You know inside who you are - don't ever let anyone (especially him) define you.<p>Pantha

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pantha:
<strong>I think I have realised why I pick the phone up - because I think maybe he'll end up saying that he loves me. But I don't think he'll ever say that again. So I have just asked him not to phone me anymore. He has also pulled the suicide act, I just don't get it. He doesn't want me back, so why should I have to deal with him wanting to kill himself. I don't think he'll ever do it, probably a call for attention. He will have to ask someone else to get him through those dark hours, it can't be me anymore.
Pantha</strong><hr></blockquote><p>He calls to see that you are still there..for him..he's trying to contol you by his threats..
One thing you could try..if he calls with threats
of suicide again..tell him you'll be right over..
call th police, give them his address, tell them he's called you and threated he's going to kill himself, and your very concerned for his safety..
They will respond to the call, they can even have him committed to the phsyc ward at the local hospital for up to 24 hrs, especially if he refuses to talk to someone then..let them know that - No, you can't stay with him, you have such and such to take care..but you feel that he needs immediate help that you are not capable of giving him..<p>Yes, it may sound harsh..but, he will be required to talk to someone..<p>If it comes down to a divorce between the two of you and you have kids, you can as a last resort use this..that he was committed for such and such amount of time..if he hasn't gone to counseling..
afterwards to get himself help..to deal w/ this issue. And the courts can require him to get counseling..before he can have normal visitation with the kids..<p>I'd also recommend to you to contact a local womens shelter, and get yourself into counseling..
(if your not already, that way you can be working on yourself, and learn how not to let his outburst effect you so deeply)his threats of suicide are emotionally abusive to you..