Hello<P>Just curious to see what your thoughts are on remarriages especially from those who are in one. <P>Do you feel now second time around you'll want to make extra-sure that this marriage will last forever. I am aware that statistics that the divorce rate in stepfamilies is higher than in nuclear families, but does knowing the potential risks and addressing help increase the marriage success? For those who has been divorce and now remarried what are the issues that u had to deal with esp iro ur previous marriage for u to be able to move on? What are the pitfalls of ur stepfamily?<P>Last question, in your opinion : Why do some marriages work while others fail?

bumping this up because I'd like to know too. I don't plan on remaining single forever and am wondering about how successful you all have been.<P>JIll

I do think about remarriage too. I sometimes scare myself... I still can't get it out of mind mind that I lost someting so great(exh).<P>What if I made the second mistake twice??<BR>Married another cheater.<P>I too will be interested to know how its worked for others. I have heard of others having very successful second marriages...but I've also heard.."I should have never remarried.".... and the trust issue... oh how to be so darn trustful again.<P>Just my thoughts....<BR>s

Okay, yeah, I'm a remarriage-er [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img], and yes, I believe that knowing the risks BEFORE going in will make a difference. <P>I began to write my history here, to give you a feel for what I've dealt with, and decided against it. You can do a search if necessary. I think it's more important to discuss your direct questions.<P><B>painforever</B>, I've read a fair bit about second marriages, and of course I am living in one. I must say that while I'm reading about second marriages, I didn't read a lot about first marriages during my first marriage. So, there you have difference number one. <P>I am older now, and hopefully more mature, and also hopefully, don't want to make the same mistakes or worse ones in this marriage, so I'm reading, studying, praying and nurturing this marriage. I can say that although I loved my first H more than life itself, I did so many things wrong from the words "I do"... that I am NOT doing wrong now. <P>Then, there is of course the benefit of hindsight. No, my second H is not at all like my first, so I can't just "make right" all the stupid and wrong things I did with my first H, but I can keep my eyes opened and WATCH what's going on. <P>Some of the "pitfalls" I've seen already are the financial struggles (re: paying child support and keeping our little family afloat as well) and step-kids, specifically his who are young and close by. <P>In our case, I can't work yet (legally, immigration is a long process) so he's doing it all alone. I do not resent his paying child support at all, but it is a struggle to watch that much money go out every month... it will be far less so when I can contribute to our household.<P>The step-kids are probably the hardest part of a second marriage, both from what I've read and from experience. My H has two children. His daughter loved me from "Hi," which was very nice, and she's very easy to love right back. His son has been more of a challenge. He likes me okay, and at times is the most adorable and charming kid. At other times, he is hell on wheels, and it is directed toward me. I will say that his mother's remarriage has been as difficult on him as our marriage has been, and for the most part, he is handling it much better than expected. It's just when he does let loose, it's very, very bad. That's all I'll say about them... <P>My children are older (two adult daughters and a 17 year old son) and they live with or near their father. They like my H, but mostly they are happy that I am being loved. <P>In my reading, these two things are the two that bust up second marriages faster than any other thing...<P>Then comes the baggage from the first marriage... it's a distant third, but it's there... and in cases like mine, where I didn't wait long enough to do the total grieving process (I married eight months after the divorce was final) it's even worse. <BR>Both my H and I have "issues" from our first marriages, and both of us make mistakes with each other because we expect "more of the same" from experience. <P>For example, and this may seem silly, but here goes: I made a roast a few weeks ago, and I was nervous. There was too much fat on it, and I was worried he'd yell at me. Why? Because my ex-H once threw a plate with a roast beef dinner I'd made on it across the room because there was too much fat on the meat. Now, in fairness, he never did it again after that one time but I was extreemly careful about the cuts of meat I chose. So, I'm waiting and watching my H eat, and he asks what's wrong... I ask if the meal is okay, he says it's wonderful, I say are you sure, he says yes... what's this about? So, I tell him. We figure we spent a good 20 minutes on this subject, and in the end he says he'll NEVER throw anything, and certainly not anything I'd worked hard on, and he'll be honest and tell me if he doesn't like something... you get the picture...<P>Baggage sux, but it's real.<P>You're wondering if there is some good that outweighs the bad (there really is no "bad" so let's call it "negative")... the positive and negative...<P>As I said, I loved my ex more than life itself for many years. I think I let the "in love" feelings cloud a lot of abuse and pain. My eyes weren't open to the truth, which was that my ex was a womanizer and played massive headgames with me (not to mention some abuse). He was gorgeous to look at, and it covered a multitude of sins. He saved me from myself, and I was grateful, and that also kept me in a bad situation.<P>My new H is goodness and light through and through. He is warm and sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly. He's a lover not a fighter. He is adorable to look at; a real cutie. Yes, I fell in love with him, and am in love with him, but there is a reality to it that wasn't in my first marriage. <P>When the kids got older and my ex-H and I were "alone" a lot, we realized there wasn't much else holding us together. He began working more and more and not being around, I think... maybe... he realized we had nothing to talk about. My story is long and, like I said, you can look at it later if you'd like. All I know is that in this second marriage, I am with someone who is so like me, so "thinks like me" that it is an amazing thing. <P>I try not to come on here with mushy kissyface stories about my new marriage because it hurts some people, and because our beginnings were not very MB'ish, in the rhelm of MB. But this is my story, this is my life.<P>Okay, there you have my long discussion of my second marriage. If you have any questions specifically, ask away...

Thank you Nyeve for sharing your experience and thoughts. My story is a bit long and complicated too but both me and my STBXW are dating other people now. To cut a long story short, we have been separated for over 2 years, divorce was clearly on the cards for both of us, but after 2 years when I began to initiate it, things went beserk, she didn’t want one. Anyway against my heart and better judgement I turned my whole life upside down again and attempted reconciliation with her (for all the reasons that has always been argued in these boards), stayed for about 8 months and decided that I couldn’t do it anymore an to get a divorce. This was about 3 mths ago, now she is happily dating someone else which I think is good and we are both trying to get through this divorce as admicable and polite as possible. <P>Anyway I am starting to see the woman I left behind again. Before we parted there were many plans made of having a future together and I still would like that now. But I am not sure if she wants to handle all this extra problems that comes with me and a step family. I sense that she is very cautious of our future. She is single and never been married, I have 2 young kids. Like you say, what about the emotional baggage that comes with it. I would like to talk to her about it all and reassure her of things by gaining insights from real life experiences and reading the right materials, so that she will understand where I am coming from. I know she’s doing some reading too on the subject. <P>I have been the BS and more recently the WS. They say , you ( WS or BS) need to realise what ur problems and mistakes that lead to the breakdown of the marriage so that you won’t bring it to you next marriage. I think the 8 months of unconvincing attempt to save this marriage which involved a lot of discussion between stbxw and me has made me realise a lot of things about myself. <P>The other thing is the trust issue. How do you gain the trust of somebody? I have broken her trust twice. One is due to my own selfish reasons; I kept marital status a secret from her for one year and second was the most unselfish act for me I think when I told her we couldn’t be together because I couldn’t leave my family like that. Although she says its in the past now, I think trust will be a problem with her. There are still walls around her and I see how she limits her expectations of me a lot. <P>I am more than willing to talk about things with her, my stbx, my kids etc but sometimes I get it that she doesn’t really want to know about stuff esp about my stbx, don’t know why perhaps she thinks she is guilty for my marriage. One things that she always asks me is if I know what I am doing? And if this is what I really want? She says if u r not sure, it’s not to late to turn back to wife. She asks if I am leaving wife because of her – not really when we first separated I haven’t even met her but to a significant extend she gave me the conviction to follow through my intentions. Do you have problems dealing with his ex? But I guess the fact that she is remarried helps. <P>Going through a divorce is not easy, even as a WS, it stirs up so much emotions in you. At times she sees me grieving, restless and sad but its not about loosing my wife, its more about the finality of the death of my marriage. The past, the dream I once had. Its hard to explain, you know for certain you would not want to be back there yet there is this feeling of sadness when u think of things. I know people here associate that to the fog lifting but its not that. The whole sentimental value of it. Also there is guilt involved, you will always wonder if it would have worked if u tried harder, if you did this, if u did that – but its really what u want at the end that could hold ur decisions and actions. For me its always been the kids , that was reason why I came back. They never asked for any of this. Despite neither of us being good spouses, I thank god that when it comes to being parents both she and me are trying as best we could to protect them from additional hurt. <P>I am going a lil bit of track here but there you go. For now I just want to make things easier for her. Plus I need to deal with my emotions correctly. What are the other considerations that you need to take account committing to marriage again?

Hi painforever. Haven't been on here for awhile. Nyneve made some very good points. I too am in my second marriage. I have 2 kids of my own that live with my husband and I and 2 step-kids that live with their mother but visit often. I can understand your girlfriends issues with trust but don't want to get into just now. You need to take your time with this new relationship. You mentioned that you have 2 small kids, she has none...is that correct? It takes a long time to really bond with step children, and I think it's especially hard when you have your own children. I have a very good second marriage but I know we would not have made it if we were not completely honest with each other and place communication as #1 in our marriage. Each year has gotten easier and better for us. One thing that sticks in my mind is when we were first married. Like I said, my kids live with us. They would have home work, activities etc...besides the baths at night and just the daily work that comes with kids. I found myself being 100% responsible for all of this. Then when his kids were over (significantly younger then mine), he'd want my help. I was resentful that I was to help him but he didn't help me so I'd purposely make plans when his kids were over so I wasn't around to help. Kinda showing him what I felt like. Then it hit me, how would we ever work together as a family if we continued like we were? So, we sat down together and talked about it all. We are not mind readers and if you can't communicate you are set up for failure. Now a few years later we all do things together as a family. He has subjects that he helps with in regards to school work and I have mine. We attend soccer games, plays and school conferences together. Issues do come up. Your ex's never go away, especially if you have children but you learn they can only bother you if you let them. And again, like Nyneve said, your older,more experienced, you read more and after going through one divorce you work extra hard to make sure that it never happens again. Divorce hurts many, many people but if it does happen to you, learn from your past mistakes so that you don't make the same ones in your second marriage.