Well, after doing very well for the past month and a half, I screwed up this morning. Something is going on with my husbabd and he is acting depressed, etc. I offered to talk to him - big mistake in the first place, and then felt like I was having an out of body experience as I listened to myself try to convince him to talk to me. Major LB. It's like my mind was saying shut up, but my mouth wouldn't listen. I then went on to push some other issues and I really irritated him. I was so dumb!<P>He ended up saying he was taking the kids and that this was an example of why it would never work because I say things have changed and it even seems like they have, but then something doesn't go my way and I resort to my old antics. What sucks is that he's right. I did slip up. So now what can I do for damage control? After he left, I left and then when I went back he was already there. I apologized for being pushy and told him I wasn't really sure why I did it, but that I did regret it. He said no problem lets just drop it. So I did. I then left because it is easier to detatch for now with a little distance.<P>I just feel like I really blew it. I mean compared to past LB's this was pretty minor, but still, I had been doing so good. Furthermore, I think that I at least until today was in a position to score some love deposits and now I blew it. I'm not sure what's up with him and it really bothers me. I know there's nothing I can do about it anyway so I have to let go, but concern for him and hope that he's having problems with the OW are overwhelming me. To top it off I really think that no matter what his pride and need to prove that he's fine and has made the right choice may be something he can't overcome. How can I fight that? <P>Thanks for letting me vent. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.<P>K

steel reeling,<P>You fell off the horse. Just hop right back on. Consistency! He'll get it if you keep getting back on when you fall.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<p>[ October 21, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

K<BR>Forgive yourself. Please.<P>I truly know what it feels like to take steps backwards. I've done this many times. It's expected, really!. It's like potty training a child, sometimes there's failure. You're human and humans fail.<P>BUT, the good news is that :<BR>It wasn't as bad this time. <BR> Onion peel theory? You just advanced another leval.<BR>You apoligized. In the book "Seven Habits of Highly Successful People" one of the 7 is "when you are wrong, appoligize PROFUSSLY"<BR>You may need more of the Profussly part ie. a letter or phone call and telling him what you have been working on in YOU.<BR>You mad no excuses for yourself, no IF's or BUT's.<P>My God! how I wish I could take this anixiousness away from you. I DO know the feeling and I know how I hate it.<P>You are doing GREAT! REALLY GREAT!<BR>K, sometimes I feel like God has to slap me up one side and then the other for me to "get it". I'm not living with D and don't see her that ofter. You, on the other hand are living this daily. YOU ARE DOING GREAT. YOU WILL BE OK. There WILL be more chances to continue your resolve.<P>Anna is right. He will get it if you get back on the horse and continue the ride. <P>pLEASE WRITE BACK, I want to know how you are doing.

Thanks for the encouragement Anna and Marry! I am having a truly crappy day. I know these things try the most patient of people and I know that the only person that I can control and change is me, however that is easier said than excepted when you have to worry about children. <P>The kids were so excited that Daddy was having a slumber party with them last night. As I was leaving my son who was laying next to my H got up kissed me goodbye and said, "I'll leave room so that you can sleep between me and Daddy." It just breaks my heart to know how much they want him back and to know how helpless I am to achieve that. <P>As we were talking this morning and I was loosing my battle I told him there were things to discuss about the kids. This has been an ongoing battle. My H avoids discussing them to avoid guilt. Anyway, he agreed that we should talk because we should have a united front where they are concerned. I told him that I wanted to talk to him when the kids weren't around. He thought I meant the oldest two so he said that we could talk Tue. when he comes to get the 3 year old. I said that she has big ears to and would rather talk alone. I said that it was important and if he felt uneasy being at our house alone maybe we could go in the woods (he loves to hunt). He said the OW would get upset if anyone saw us together and told her so a phone call would be the best way for us to discuss it. I told him it was too important to discuss over the phone and said I really thought she would understand the need to discuss the kids. I told him it wasn't like I was expecting him to hide it from her, it was just something we need to do for the kids. I said that I would call her and ask for permission and he about flipped. He said that she didn't want to talk to me and to drop it. It was then that he told me that things could never work because I really hadn't changed. I don't know, he really freaked. I said I really didn't want to call her, but that I had only said it to be upfront so she would know it was strictly about the kids. I wonder why he doesn't want me talking to her. I have in the past with no problems and those were times when I was even confronting her. I know that right about now you think I'm nuts, but I guess I wish I knew more from her side. Yikes listen to me. Don't worry, I'm not calling her.<P>Anyway, he's done with the kids at 6:00 tonight and we won't see or him from him then until Tuesday so I'll have time to reflect and regroup. When he drops off I'm going to apologize and maybe I will write a letter further apologizing and explaing where I'm coming from and what I've been doing for myself to give him Tuesday. I know I have to take this one day at a time, but this has been a bad one.<P>By the way, even though he's not interested, he knew exactly when I got home last night and was asking questions. What's up with him?<P>Thanks for the support!<P>K

K<BR>It could be worse. I don't think that was THAT bad, but then It's so hard to know the dynamic of the whole conversation. <P>He has something to hide. What, I don't know, but he DOES have something to hide. There's "Trouble in River City" girl. I think that "Pizza Party" was a bit more than she could handle. He's thinking. <P>He IS interested in you, he needs to be MAD at you "remember"? That's what they do. They create situations for you to LB so they can be mad and "fuel the fire". He NEEDS you to be like you were before (change back theory). He NEEDS to prove to himself that YOU haven't really changed.<P>He's admitedly confussed, right? He said, "I hate my life". He is trying to figure this out. If you haven't really changed, if he can make you LB, then his decision is made FOR him. <P>Guess what? YOU HAVE HIS ATTENTION! <P>K, this saga is just begining. There will be more up's and more downs, BUT shaking things up, "it's a good thing". [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>You need a breather and time to regroup, as you said. I know that with work and four babies you don't have much time, but if you do have a minute, read some of the articals in "most notable post section".<P>If you wish, share the letter with everyone on the board.<P>You're only human, you're doing great, everyone slips-it's expected, forgive yourself. You WILL get another chance.

Hi SR,<P>Don't feel too bad about the LB...it happens, and then you go on and do a better job from now on.<P>I have to agree with gottruth...he is trying to justify his A, and what better way than to blame you for it. Also that you have his attention. He is, or appears to be, in a conflict stage, and that is a good thing. It shows some actual feelings about the situation.<P>About 10 days before I saw my H for the last time, I LB'd massively over the phone to him. I now realise he set me up, just so he could say I would never change. What did he do? He took the kids out for the day with OW...and at the time hadn't admitted there was a relationship...then let the kids tell me about it. Well, would YOU keep quiet? I know I wasn't that strong.<P>Anyway, it is just something WS's do to keep their rewritten history intact, and it has no bearing on the reality of the situation...keep your head high!!!!<P>love and light,<P>Jacky

Thanks Ladies -<P>When I got home and he left for work last night things went well. We talked lightly about trivial things and I apologized for pushing him, etc. I told him it was weird, that I hadn't felt or acted that way in awhile and I didn't like it. I told him that I was under pressure from stuff with my dad's illness, the kids, etc. and that although I wasn't trying to justify my actions because of those things that I was sorry. He told me not to worry about it.<P>He left and we had dinner and the usual Sunday night get ready to go to school in the morning, take baths, etc. routine. He called at 8:00 to say goodnight to the kids. The 3 year old was the last to talk so I got the phone. I kept it light and told him to have a good night at work. He said it was going to be a long one. He had to work 12 hours after having the kids for the weekend and not getting much sleep. I told him to hang in there. He then offered to take the kids to school this morning. I thanked him, but reminded him that he was working 12 hours and on top of it had to go in at 3 today after getting done at 7 this morning. I told him it was great that he wanted to see the kids and help out, but that he didn't need to deprive himself of sleep to do it. I told him that there would be plenty of other opportunities. He said I was right but that if he felt up to it he come over. He didn't, I'm sure he had to be tired.<P>I guess yesterday I did a lot of thinking. I know he is confused and I know he is depressed. I know I can't change him or even help him for that matter because he doesn't want me to. I know he feels guilty about a lot of things and isn't coping well. I sense a big need in him to prove himself to everyone. So many people have told him he's screwing up and he needs to prove them wrong. <P>I really thought about the drinking too. I have to be realistic there too. He really has a problem and only he can face it. Right now he isn't ready. He's too caught up in his problems and his need to prove himself right to face the issues.<P>What does this mean for me? I will continue to work on me and trust in God. I think the situation with my H is far from over, however, right now I have to take care of me and the kids. <P>K

Marry-<P>Where do you find those most notable posts?<P>Nina-<P>I still haven't figured out ho to do that little thing where you tell your story in that short little version. Help please!<P>K

K<BR>It's nice to see that you have your head back on. I know all too well, that anxious feeling and I was feeling it for you.<P>You are right to work on you, that's the only power we have. <P>"most notable posts", are in the " just found out" section. Scroll to the bottom where you change forum topics and you will find it. I'll bump it to the top.<P>You were very generious to him about his lack of sleep and picking up the kids. Good for him and good for you. You apologized, no excuses, you're back on track! He'll notice but more important YOU'LL NOTICE YOU. <P>We all want their growth, we need our own growth to cope. (self talk here)<P>This is not going to resolve itself any time soon so sit back, read, read, read and we'll grow together.

Thanks Marry. I read a lot of the posts, they were good. I guess after this weekend I find myself in a different frame of mind. The drinking thing really has me bothered. It's like I feel like I've been deceiving myself as to how bad the problem is. I mean I've done a lot of reading and am making a lot of positive changes, but what has he done? I know I love him, but I don't know if I can be happy with him. I know the kids want him back and if he wasn't drinking I would too. <P>Then I find myself asking why I even ponder having him back when he is so adament about staying away and getting divorced. I think one thing that really bugs me about this is that as I read posts from other people who are dealing with similar situations it seems as though their WS's are hooked up with party partners when mine has hooked up with the opposite. She's pretty much a homebody and her biggest asset is that she believes in him. He has told me this and I see it in him. Of course she hasn't been with him enough to live with the problem so it's easy for her to believe in him. When he's with her he's on his best behavior and when she's away at school he resorts to true colors. I guess I feel bad because even though I know I can't change him, she doesn't see the bad side of him and therfor is totally a fantasy come true for him. I guess I wish that either she was a real loser or was here full time to see the real him because then it would probably shed a whole new light on their relationship and it would be easier for me to make progress and love deposits because she would LB more or better yet just get rid of him.<P>Listen to me, I go back and forth. Sometimes I really wonder if it is him I want or just a happy stable relationship. That is why I guess I really have to liten to myself when I say let it go and let God handle it. <P>Thanks for listening!<P>K