(((((((((((((Pantha))))))))))))))))))<P>I am sorry to read that the divorce went ahead...I had hoped that maybe a miracle would happen for you, because I really do not think either of you truly wanted this.<P>As to his calling you and abusing you the next day....that was probably a lot of hurt masked by anger, because the divorce did indeed happen.<P>I hope you are able to find peace.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

(((Nina))) you are truly a wonderful friend. Thank you for kind words. I wish it didn't go through, but it did. Now here I am, a total emotional mess... I don't know how to continue... I am hurting so bad right now. I think that you are right, that he was hurting so much on weekend and thats why he said the things he did, also his crazy family is having their usual set of crazy problems and he is being dragged into it again. He told me all about it, and I felt sorry for him, but I am glad not to be a part of it. I just wish we could find some common ground, but there is just so many issues in our past that I don't think he'll ever get past.<P>I still feel very married to him and still think of him as my husband. And it will probably be a long time before I can accept that there really is no more us. And I will still hope that we can love each other again sometime. <P>Pantha

Pantha, <P>I just can't believe it can all be over so fast....here we have to wait a year after separation to file...which gives everyone some breathing space.<P>What will you do now? Do you want this man? Okay, he is no longer your H, but obviously he loves you enough to be angry over the divorce. I know that sounds stupid, but right now, if my H was in the same position, he would keep his mask firmly in place, and tell me it was great to have his freedom, I'll bet.<P>Alright, so if you don't want him, then you move on. If you do, then just because you are divorced does NOT mean it is over. There are people here who remarried, and are happier than ever. So you Plan A as much as you can.<P>I suspect you will say you don't want him...but may I ask you to do something? Look into yourself, if that is what you DO say, and try to determine how much of that response is stubborness....I think he has been very stubborn, and forgive me, but I have sensed it in you from time to time also.<P>Hey, I may be way off base with that, but it is just a little niggly feeling I have had about this. Take care, dear Pantha,<P>love and light,<P>Jacky

Hey!! So you picked up that I'm stubborn. Funny I think that you are right, just don't know when I am being stubborn. (something to work on).<P>I honestly don't know if I want him back or not. There are both pros and cons to having him back and I just don't know. Yes I think he cares enough to admit feeling lost and empty now that the divorce is through. But he doesn't care enough to say lets try again. <P>I have done a lot of love busting over the last few days, especially Friday. So I don't know (am I in Plan don't know what the hek to do!). I guess I will try to be the best me I can be with him, and will see wherever that takes our relationship...<P>Pantha

What happened on Friday, Pantha? Wanna share? I won't criticise you!

Friday... a day to forget...<P>He called at about 12 to find out whether the divorce had gone through. I said yes, you're a free man. He called a while later to find out how I felt. I turned the question on him without giving him an answer and he said he felt lost. He phoned back later to say he would not be collecting his things on Saturday. I flipped. I said he is breaking a verbal contract and I want his things off the property. He said he had work to do and couldn't make it. I said that was a load of S#!t, and that he needed to collect his things. He begged for me to understand but I said he had to collect his things. I really just wanted to see him. Well you see I was really nasty about him collecting his things, because I was also hurting. I thought he wouldn't come through, on Saturday I phoned to say sorry for being nasty and he said he was at his mother's place. But that there was too much going on in his life and that he wouldn't be coming to Johannesburg. So later I called and told him I'm going out, he said he'd be here in 2 hours probably. So I went to town, after 1 hour he phones and tells me he is here. So I said he'd have to wait - I'd be there in half an hour. Well he said his cousin was with him, I said his cousin is not coming onto my property (I wanted to at least get to see him on his own). So I ended up not seeing him, I was back home in half an hour and he never showed. So he left without seeing me. So that is the story...

Why don't you email him, apologising, explaining your hurt at the divorce, and asking to maybe try to be friendly? This is hurting you guys so much, I just see so much game playing going on with neither of you being honest with one another. It is so sad.<P>If my H had showm the slightest bit of feeling (albeit negative - hey it's SOMETHING) I would have felt better, and tried a little harder. Anger is good...indifference is not.<P>Don't beat yourself up, Pantha, you and him both had AMPLE reason to LB on Friday, and Saturday and even for a couple of weeks yet. You are both deeply hurting, and so feelings run riot.<P>But maybe a bit of kindness extended might make all the difference.<P>I have to go to bed now, but I will keep up in the morning.<P>Take care beautiful lady.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Pantha -<P>I'm sorry the divorce went through and even sorrier that you're hurting. I totally agree with Jacky though. A divorce is a legal thing. You need to find what you want and if it is your H then the divorce really shouldn't interfere.<P>About your LBing this weekend, who wouldn't. I know I'd be an emotional mess. Forgive yourself and apologize to him. You're only human.<P>You're in my prayers. From what I've learned of you, I don't think this divorce is the final chapter in your relationship with your husband. Take care of yourself and good luck!

Thanks for your responses Nina and still reeling.<P>I phoned my XH yesterday to chat, and he said he wanted to phone me, so he spoke about his problems. And when I wanted to speak about us, he was not interested. I said it confuses me when he phones. He said he didn&#8217;t phone me. That is right, but he said he wanted to. I said I can&#8217;t get on with life or go out with other people because I&#8217;m confused. He said I should go out with other people. I said I have, but it doesn&#8217;t feel right. He said so has he gone out with other people. He told me that he doesn&#8217;t have time for this in his life and if he has to cut me off 100% he would. I also told him I can&#8217;t just be his friend. His phone&#8217;s battery died at about this time. He sent me the following sms at 9:45 last night. &#8220;Wanted to phone got high sorry but my life is so f&*cked up I don&#8217;t know how I can carry on living.&#8221;<P>This morning he phoned &#8211; I ended up returning the call as I missed it. He told me how he wants to kill himself. That everything is too much for him. It told him I can&#8217;t help him because he doesn&#8217;t want me, and I can&#8217;t just offer friendship, its all or nothing for me. He said things like he doesn&#8217;t know what he wants. He told me there was no one else in his life, I asked if he was seeing other people why didn&#8217;t he phone them to speak to them about his problems and he again said there wasn&#8217;t anyone. I told him if he can sort himself out emotionally and financially we could look at getting back together, he said we lived to far apart. I told him if we loved each other we&#8217;d find a way to make things work. He then told me I also need psychiatric help, I told him, but I&#8217;m not the one wanting to kill myself. Anyway the conversation continued in much this way. <P>I have decided I can&#8217;t be his friend. As much as it hurts&#8230; I need to move on&#8230;. He doesn&#8217;t want me&#8230; I need to remember why I decided to leave this marriage&#8230;. and there were good reasons. He just tried calling&#8230;. I am not picking up that phone&#8230;. I got his message he left &#8211; only wanted medical details.

((((((((((Pantha))))))))))))))<P>Plan B time?

I just received a thank you call from my XH for finding out about his medical. (Something which he could easily have done himself, but he is too lazy). He tells me he has been booked off for post traumatic stress... (SHAME!). So I told him he can't phone me anymore, that it is now over. He said ok. He doesn't even care! He doesn't care to not speak to me again. I am that forgetable to him! Life sux big time in my world. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Pantha -<P>Your husband is obviously very confused as well as being in a lot of pain. He obviously needs help for substance abuse, depression, etc. It also seems very clear that although he says he doesn't care if he cuts you out of his life or doesn't call that it is a line of bull. You seem to be his security blanket. He is so messed up that he can't commit to anything right now, yet he needs you there, his actions prove it. There probably is a lot of love for you somewhere within him, but right now he is toomixed up to realize it. <P>You are right, you need to focus on you. He is a mess and is only hurting you. Nina may be right about Plan B. What do you think? I know you love him, but right now that seems to really be hurting you. You say that you can't just be friends and he says that he doesn't want more so you're at an impass. You love him and since you do maybe the best thing you can do for him is just be a friend he certainly seems to need one, but that is a very hard road to travel for you because you want more. <P>You have done all that you can. Remember that you can change only yourself. You might be surprised by what letting go might do for you. It will make your XH have to stand on his own, and it will give you time to focus on you. If it is meant to work out it will, but only time will tell.<P>I know I sound preachy and I really don't mean to be. I feel your pain and wish I could help. Only you know what you really want and are able to do. Trust your instincts and take care of yourself.<P>You're in my prayers!<P>K

still reeling thank you for thoughtful reply. It really sounds as if you totally understand my situation. I know that he needs a friend, but by being that friend I am opening myself up to more hurt. It feels like I have just separated from him again, knowing that I can't phone him again. But it is easier than it was before. If he phones me though, I don't know if I'll be strong enough not to answer that phone. <p>As for me... I need a lot of work... I am very mixed up and don't really know what I want from life. So I have a lot of thinking and soul searching to go through.<p>By the way you do not sound preachy at all, you expressed my situation better than I could.
Thank you!<p>Pantha

Pantha -<p>I've been thinking of you. I know what you mean about the "friend" thing. I think that is exactly what my H needs too, but it is so hard. How do you just be friends after you've shared so much? I agree with just hurting yourself too. When the person you're dealing with has an addiction in addition to the other problems you're facing it makes it all the more complicated and difficult. I know that I find myself trying to be understanding to my husband and trying to detatch from his problems, but it is a daily battle. <p>I look at him and all the choices he has made and it makes me sad. He left because he was unhappy and hated life. Nine months later, he doesn't want to work things out, is still with the OW to the best of my knowledge, but just this past weekend told me he is unhappy and hates his life. I wish he could see that until he is happy with himself nothing will ever change, but only God knows if and when he will realize this.<p>I totally agree with your soul searching. With all this confusion we tend to lose ourselves. Take the time to find you, when you do you'll know what you want. Also remember, that only God really knows how this will turn out. I know that this a terribly frustrating thing to accept but it is the truth. <p>Hang in there and know that we are here for you.<p>K