Well, I did fine yesterday when H brought kids home. I avoided conversation and finally just said, "kids, come tell your Dad bye, he has to go" and I went upstairs and he left.<P>Well this morning was another story. Kids were apparently hyped up from the weekend with him because neither of them were asleep at 11pm last night. Maybe it was contagious because I didn't sleep a wink either. I just couldn't go to sleep. Too many thoughts running through my head, so much lonliness and helplessness.<P>I finally drifted off around 6:15 am which is when i should have been getting up. Anyway, I didn't get kids up until 7 and because they were up so late, they were not cooperating. <P>When H got there at 7:20, D was in the tub and S was still covered up in bed and refusing to move. So much for having them ready to walk out the door when Dad got there. <P>Combining my lack of sleep, my children's inability to do anything I asked without a battle and the obvious tension between H and myself, I just lost it. I kissed kids goodbye and went upstairs, fell down on my bed and sobbed. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like such a failure for not being a better parent, for not doing what I said I would do about having them ready, for pouring my heart and soul into a relationship that is not working out, etc.<P>I thought H had left because house was quiet. I guess he heard me crying and came upstairs to see if I was ok. I told him I would be, I just felt like a wimp. He said, you're not the only one that feels that way. <P>He pulled me up and hugged me for a minute or so and I just continued to cry. I didn't mean to and it wasn't to get a reaction from him, even though he probably thinks so.<P>I don't know. I just feel like a failure at everything. I hate having to be the "bad mommy" who makes them get up, etc. <P>At this point, should I just scrap Plan B. Nothing is going to work to get him home anyway so why I am setting myself up for failure. <P>Whew! I'm in a rotten mood!<P>PP

PP,<BR>You are not a bad Mommy because you are tired and your kids are being difficult. My kids are 17,16 and 14 so I have learned a thing or two. Number 1 your kids love you even on a bad day. Number 2 you are human and they have to learn to be respectful of your feelings even at a young age.<P>As for your H, I think it was nice that he came up and comforted you but stick to your guns. I feel like such a hypocrite saying this sometimes because in away I let my Ex run all over me with his first affair. But stick to plan B. Just make sure he knows why your are doing this. <P>((hugs))<P>Jill

PP,<BR>I am so sorry for your pain. But I know exactly how you feel. It seems as if NOTHING can penetrate their shells. We work so very hard to salvage something that is so valuable and it seems to do no go at all. I have been helping wife as much as possible, working LONG hours trying to make a life for myself, football, soccer and such and there seems to be little if any signs my wife sees changes, let alone cares. I just have to grin and bear it knowing that I am giving it my all, my best shot. That is all I can do. Getting that emotion out IS GOOD. You cry! It is healthy. Try and take solace in that YOU are becoming the best that you can be! I dont think that it isnt affecting our spouses, its just that we dont see it manifested as we would like. Unless they are psychopaths, they see our pain and efforts, they have to. Hang in there. Failure is not falling down. Failure is falling down and not getting up. You continue to fight!

You are not a bad mother.... you have alot on your plate right now. I know I've been where you are. Its just so much to deal with all at one time. Yes, I have thought... how much more on my plate.<P>When d day came down 10/21/99.. my 8th grader then quit school to home school. Here is soon to be ex at that time... going about so happy about a LOVE he finally found..whisteling around the house as happy as can be... and he's looking at me to write lesson plans so my child can homeschool !!!<BR>Its was just tooooo much to deal with, and my child suffered. <P>Take a deeeepreath... and go and think about how/what might help get the kids ready in the am. I know you couldn't sleep, I fully understand that one. who can sleep at a time like this. I hated to go to sleep, because I hated waking up and having the affair the first thing on my mind and my heart racing out of my chest.<P>maybe give the kids their bath in the evening... then just wet their little heads in the am.. lay out their clothes the night before... have all their stuff at the door... shoes,coats book bags etc...<BR>Actually I would do that for myself when H was stiil home... my mind was all over the place... heck at times I would check to make sure that I had matching shoes on.<P>Its so hard to function when someone is in your position.... Know that I too had very difficult times as I'm sure others here did too. Heeck on my days off, I would just lay in bed all day, order pizza for the kids or anyother type of fast food. I would then lay the food out on the counter and head back to bed. ( I guess thats how I lost 65lbs on the infidelity diet).<P>Keep up with Plan B... <P>Blessings,<BR>s

First of all you are not a failure! This is such an emotional thing that you are going through you are bound to be overwhelmed at times. It would be wonderful if we could perfectly follow Plan A and B with no screw ups, but lets face it we're human, not machines!<P>I also know what it feels like to be the primary parent. We get stuck with all the real and not always pleasant parenting stuff. It's not fair or fun! Just remember those kids love you no matter what.<P>Personally, I think it's great that your H came and held you. It shows that he has emotion too, that's awesome!<P>Hang in ther, you're definately not a failure!<P>K

Lighten up on yourself, we all have bad days, I have been having a bad year. I am sure there are many good things you have done and have done them well, I am sure you are a good mom and try your best at everthing, But gshhhh look at the stress you are under, There was a time when I couldn't even get out of the bed and all I did was cry. These are normal when you are greiving, Try to just focus on yourself and kids and pull your life together, You have no control over him, I am not sure how long it has been for you or your story , but I have heard many say stick with plan A as long as you can

Don't punish yourself so much, PP, you had a bad night, so a bad morning was near-inevitable. And if I thought I was a bad parent every time my kids were uncooperative.... that's a daily (hourly, some days) occurance.<P>Your days will improve, and your nights will not always be so long. When I thought my marriage was healthy, I slept like a stone. Once my wife dropped the bomb on me, I suddenly couldn't stop my brain from talking back to me, and I couldn't fall asleep until she came to bed- I was afraid that when she moved out, I'd never sleep again, that I'd lay awake nightly waiting for her to return. Now, I hit the pillow and don't stir 'till morning again. Things will even out.

Thanks to everybody.<P>I really needed the encouragement. It is just so hard some days to keep going. I know I need to be strong and let the OW meet my H's needs because I'll never get over him if I allow myself to keep hanging on.<P>I can't go back to plan A because I've filed for divorce and the lawyer, my pastor, and my counselor have all made it real clear that I'm just hurting myself and wasting money if I keep my one-sided effort to restore my marriage going. Well, mainly they mean that I can't have sex with my H because I'll blow my adultry case and separation period. <P>It makes me furious that I can't even act like his wife. How can I compete with OW. I know it might sound stupid that I would want to sleep with my H while he is with OW but he is so depressed and confused he thinks he can't feel love for me again.<P>I just hate this helpless feeling. Thanks again to everyone. You all have always been there when I've needed someone.<P>I'm sorry I don't have much to give back these days. I have always been a giver and I feel a bit lost because I've lost my ability to give. I just have nothing left.<P>With God's help and your support, I know I can get through this. Maybe then, I can use my experience to help someone else here.<P>God Bless, PP

PP -<P>Hearing your last response you sound so much like me. I feel your pain. I know all too well the wanting to sleep with your husband even when he's with the OW, I'd say it's normal. <P>I too filed for divorce. (mostly for financial reasons) Other than the money, I still second guess doing it many days. I live in a no-fault state so it really doesn't matter what my husband and I do. I<P>I guess I'd say that you have to do what you think is right for you. As hard as it may be try to let go and do things for yourself. If your H notices great, if not at least you'll feel better. Also remember that he's already hurt you more than you ever could have imagined and you've survived. You're the strong one, he's in the fog.<P>take care,<BR>K

Peoplepleaser, Sometimes reality is to real.I know you can't believe that this is happening to you but it is, so be strong. If it is meant to be that both of you come together again then that’s great, you have your children to keep you both connected. Maybe he needs to see you as independent or that he really is losing you. In any event your are a wonderful caring woman. Give yourself time, life sometimes changes for the better in a blink of an eye. How do I know you’re wonderful and caring? Because it comes through even in your posts.

pp,<BR>You are not a wimp and you're not a loser! Grieving is a natural, and necessary, result of losing a marriage. The final stage is acceptance, preceded by denial, anger, bargaining, and depression (in no particular order and several trips through each one are not uncommon). Dust yourself off and get ready for the next day. And there's no apologies needed for being the "givee" instead of the giver. It's possible that part of your life lesson is learning that it's ok to be on the receiving end of help. I have a hard time with that too.

PP......I can't go back to plan A because I've filed for divorce and the.......... LAWYER my PASTOR, and my COUNSELOR........... have all made it real clear that I'm just hurting myself and wasting money if I keep my one-sided effort to restore my marriage going.<P>snl...what does PEOPLEPLEASER say to do? <P>Do not discount your instincts, but be sure it is not wishful thinking too. Only you (and your kids) have to live with the results, not your lawyer, not your pastor, not your counsellor.......you may just be in normal denial, and the pain of disconnecting, but I heard a very confused woman in your post, and confused people do not usually make good decisons......just be sure this is what peoplepleaser really wants....ya know?