My Dear, Dear Friends at MB,<BR>I think that perhaps I have a warped sense of Plan A (my mum dropped me on my head as a child). I have been nice, cordial, unassuming, helpful, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Dont really want ANYTHING from the wife, just "Hey, you know, thanks for what you have been doing. I appreciate the help that alot of separated/divorced women DONT get" VENTING. I take great satisfaction in the strides I have made to become a better person. The sad fact is I have a long way to go. But she is such a PILL. Her attitude is the same, she is so into HER, good grief, I really am starting to see someone I dont know if I want to be married to. Yikes, it scares me. She comes over, takes her shoes off at my place, we talk, have something to drink, it is great. Next day, someone else (alien?) appears. I would rather have my fingernails pulled out than to have to hear all of the whining and she-dogging (ya know what I mean). I dont know what to think anymore.

addendum:<P>wife just called and we were trying to get some stuff squared away over a joint credit card. I told her I just refinanced my car and my credit file was cleaned up because I had alot of the info investigated. Alot of negative stuff was taken out. So I tell her and she blows up. My credit is screwed because of you. And now everything is going your way! KABOOOOMMMM! Quote "It isnt fair! It just isnt fair!!!!" Anyway, I says you know "what happened to me as a child wasnt fair either, but if I am not mistaken, I was told by you and your father it was not excuse for my mistakes!" I then told her, I know it isnt fair, it stinks, but all I can do is in the present. I told her if she wanted to blame me for all of her woes (I have been gone for 5 months), then go ahead. I was nice and not arrogant. I really am sorry for my mistakes and the impact it has had on her and my family - I hurt daily! But I will not ever let that control ME again! I can control me (with help from God of course). Anyway, I told her how the counselors have helped me and maybe they could help her. I said go for YOU! Not me or anyone else - for YOU. Nothing, no response. 5 months and somehow I am STILL the root cause of her misery. She is MISERABLE and all I heard was the fact that getting away from me she would be better off. Yeah, I know, the credit thing does wreak of our relationship, but dang, I got off my [censored] and fixed what could be fixed. I told her a month ago to go in and investigate bad info in the credit and she wont do it. She would rather yell, and blame me. I understand the frustration, but what good will it do? Will it change that credit entry? NO. I have gone overboard to help her BECAUSE of these things, but her words "I DONT WANT YOUR HELP!" I am at the end of my rope - damned if I do, damned if I dont. Of course, that has been the modus operandi for our marriage for nine years. I just cant win. This might be the best chunk of money I ever spend. Sad fact is, I still lover her. She just wont do anything to get over it - nothing. Thanks for listening

RobC<P>If I were you, I'd take advantage of my location and drive on over to the Isle of Palms at low tide.<P>No, No. Wait a minute.. That could be taken the wrong way. This was supposed to be encouraging so DON'T get in the water.<P>My point is that this May when I was at IOP, I would walk out onto beach at night after kids were asleep and just sit, think, pray and cry. It was such therapy for me. Being so small beside the ocean is an overwhelming feeling for me. It reminds me that God is in control of the tides, the planets, stars & moon and my life. <P>If that doesn't relax you, just pretend that each grain of sand is a normal lady who would give anything to have a husband like you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Wait a minute... I should take my own advice. If you see a tall brunette wandering alone on the beach, you'll know you aren't alone in spirit. I feel for you and what you are going through. The alien's have my H too and no matter what I do, nothing will help until he decides to move from the "Mother-ship" (OW's house)<P>Keep the faith!<P>Lynn

Thanks Lynn,<BR>I think I will do that. I have been meaning to get over there, just havent had the time, work, soccer, football. I feel for her, I really do. I did SO many wrong things. I know I cant change THEM, but I can change what I do each day. I am just trying to help her, but she is so stubborn! DANG! This is starting to impact me negatively. I should know from my experiences, I didnt get help until I wanted/needed it. I dont suspect it is any different for anyone else. Kind of funny, how each of us in our own little world think WE somehow are the exception to all of the rules. That somehow the physics of relatioships and addictions DONT apply to us. That we are different. I suppose that form of pride is good to a point. Its just ashamed that most of us dont know when we have crossed the line between reliance and pride. Just thinking out loud....thanks for listening.<P>Seems like some changes are brewing for you Lynn; keep fighting

Rob,<P>Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. You sound like you are really getting it together though. I'm so happy for you.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

Anna,<BR>Thanks so much. It truly stinks to have to deal with the break up of a marriage, a relationship, much less having to deal with people just flat being MEAN. I can handle it, but you know, there are days when I am just feeling great and they come along, when you are trying to help them out, and they just crap on you. I mean just plain mean. This day was going so well, and by God, I will not let her ruin it. I really care for her and want her to be happy regardless of whether or not we work it out. She has to be happy to maximize the benefit to my children. Dang, just dang. Its like you said. "You made a choice, live with it." The funniest thing I have heard yet is the fact that I was told "You did this to yourself, now live with it". I have done that and I am making progress each day. Man, I must have been blind. She can be so wonderful, but dear God in heaven, when she is mean, loooook out! No wonder I wanted to be drunk once a week. Yikes! VENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTT! Anyway, having a good rest of the day! Chin UP

Well, Rob, you may have written this is "I feel awful and need to vent" mode, but for my money, you sound like you're doing great.<P><UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>You've identified problems.<LI>You've taken responsibility for them.<LI>You've taken steps to correct them.</UL><P>This seems to me to be a great plan A. It's making you a better you, whether it saves your marriage or not.<P>I'd bet you have her confused as can be right now. She thought she knew why she was unhappy- i.e, you. She thought she knew what you would do with the rest of her life- i.e., foul things up. She's wrong about both, and though she's not admitting it to anyone else, a voice in her spirit must be whispering that to her.<P>Now you need to be careful about doing the same to her. You say "She just wont do anything to get over it - nothing." You don't know what she will or won't do. Just keep doing what you're doing for you, and you won't be sorry, whether she ever figures it out or not.<p>[ October 22, 2001: Message edited by: dabigtrain ]