I would like some hear some thoughts if anyone wants to reply. My husband had an affair about 6 months ago. We had only been married for a year at that time and had dated for 5 years previous. The problem is that he denies that anything happened with this other woman (a co-worker). He no longer works at that company. I have strong evidence: cell phone bills, secret e-mail accounts, and her long blond hairs in our car and spare bed. How can I get him to admit this to me? Will it ever happen? I am now at the point where I am not happy anymore and not sure if I can ever get over it. I know it will be hard being on my own, but I feel I deserve to be treated better than this. Any help/advise/comments would be appreciated.<BR>Thanks, Andrea

Hi Andrea,<P>I can tell you that most husbands or wives who cheat do not admit it to their spouses until they are caught. I wouldn't expect an admission from him at all...besides, it does sound that he did have an affair with this woman, so you know the truth anyway.<P>I would suggest you read all you can on this site about Plan A, Emotional Needs, the love bank and lovebusters. You will gain a way of dealing with your husband which will encourage him to feel good about you again...asking him all the time about the affair is a no-no by the way.<P>Try to distract yourself on this...it will eat away at you otherwise, and destroy your marriage.<P>Instead, determine if you really want to make your marriage work or not. If you do, the first step is the reading here, and the second is letting go of that affair...<P>Take care of yourself too. Eat well, it will give you more energy to do the work you need to do. Sleep well for the same reasons. Exercise, keep your mind busy, and Plan A as much as you can.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

((((((Andrea))))))<P>Welcome Dear, you've came to a good place to help sort through your thoughts and feelings. <P>Do y'all have any children? <P>You know what I did with the phone records that I had of my wife's? After I saw the first one and formed the opinion in my mind I burned it and the rest of them. Sure my X probably had an affair, I saw the phone records, the unaccounted for time, the going out at odd hours, the excuses for not being with the girls and I, and I could go on and on. Bottom line to me is it didn't matter for what possible positve can come from an admission. I had to make a choice in my heart on whether or not I wanted to make my marriage work and I did. I read all the books and applied all the principles to my life. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, my 12 year marriage failed. But let me tell you I still use a lot of the principles that I learned here in my everyday life and it's improved my relationship with my friends.<P>I imagine there are many other issues going on in your marriage. So why do you want to know if he cheated? Will anything positive come from knowing? Will him admitting it influence your decision?<P>Obviously you have a lot of thinking and searching to do right now. I do ask that you think long and hard about this and don't rush to a decision. In the mean time please take care of yourself and I can't stress this enough for if your decision is made through the eyes of a staved sleepless person than it may not be the right one.

Now the advice from someone getting divorced. <P>My H messed around for the last 10 years - that he admits to - of our 22 year marriage. And I never had a clue. One day he said "done". He moved out 5 days after telling me and refused any form of marital counseling. I was not given an opportunity to save my marriage. For about the first month I was so miserable I would have done almost anything to try to reconcile.<P>But the biggest difference between me and most of the people here is that I'M GLAD I DIDN'T GET TO TRY TO FIX IT. I wouldn't take that cheating, lying p.o.s. back for anything. My therapist and tons of reading have helped me reach the place where I believe I deserve better than that.<P>Only you can decide what is best for you and your situation. But remember, once they've lied and gotten away with it, it only makes it that much easier the next time.<P>Try some counseling. Read some books. Do what you can to make the best possible decision for yourself.<P>Good luck.