I'm curious what others think about this, my stbx told me right after he left that he didn't love me the way i thought he did..And that he didn't want to be with me from the start and stayed in it for the wrong reasons..Even though it's pretty clear what he is saying it's just hard to accept he never loved me..Do men say things that they don't mean because they are hurt or does this sound like complete honesty??

I don't remember your circumstances but I'm assuming you're the BS. It's my belief that the WS says stuff like that in order to push their guilt into a recessed place far away from their heart.<p>My x-wife said all that and told me that from the beginning she never intended on staying married. 12 years and 3 children later she left, so does it sound like she intended on staying. I mean why have the kids and hang around that long?

Hi,<p>Honey, they ALL say what your H is saying, it is a justification for what they do. It is a lie. I KNOW it hurts, my H is still saying this after 11 months, and I know he loved me.<p>In your best Plan A fashion, ignore it, and just be the lovliest, most wonderful person you can be around him. Don't ask questions about your relationship...think about the things yousay to him. When does he blow up? Stop saying those things and be NICE. Through gritted teeth if you have to.<p>he HAS to see tangible proof that you have changed from whatever notion he has of you...do it and do it well. Only then do you stand a chance. But what is better is that when you make these changes, you are dpoing it for YOURSELF.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Hi...<p>Just wanted to let you know that I heard that and more...<p>1. I never should have married you
2. I never loved you... I only loved you like a sister
3. I've never had these feelings before.
4. I'm the happiest I've been in my whole life.
5. Blah..Blah...Blah...<p>hes in the fog zone... as one therapist told me, he has anesthia.... on day sooner or later it will wear off....<p>Keep strong and don't believe what he is saying... I think sometimes they say these things to drive the BS away.... so we get mad at them...<p>Blessings,<p>Scoick

Thanks for the reply's..I'm starting maybe understand why i haven't heard from him..I'm finding out that everything seems to get better when you stop talking to the stbx or corresponding in anyway..You start to forget about them and move on without really caring to talk to them or be a part of their lives..It's been alittle over 2 weeks since i last emailed or talked to the stbx..And it's as though it's getting easier and easier everyday when i don't talk to him..Does anyone else feel this way as well??

Wow JCs Mom, I was just told by my husband (about 3 hours ago)the same thing, and that he will file for legal separation next week and then divorce in January. We are young (23) and married for just over 1 year. (no kids, thankfully). I have been a devout Catholic all my life and truly was (am) committed to being married to him forever. He was a recent convert to Catholicism (not that this is a reason) and has a track record of being a cop-out.<p>The circumstances are I threw him out of the house on Tuesday night, and he went back to his parents house (they both don't approve of me.) I didn't hear from him until yesterday when he wanted to make an appointment with me to "talk". <p>So I met with him tonight, and he basically told me he had decided to leave me, he had made up his mind and it was too late to change it. (he swears his parents had nothing to do with this, although in the past he confessed that they pressured him to leave me)<p>When I told him I didnt agree, I wanted to keep the marriage together, I know we can fix it if we just work on it (we never even went to marriage counselling, and I just found out about this MB from my physician recently).<p>I went on to say that, since he had once loved me, I know we can achieve that love again and I knew how (thinking of the MB concepts).<p>He said, no way. It would never work because we were not compatible, he didn't like me as a person, he believes in the "something for nothing" (i.e., "should love him unconditionally, with no strings attached"), and above all, HE NEVER REALLY DID LOVE ME AT ALL. (!!!) He was, apparently, just in a vulnerable stage in his life (been abused) and was depressed and looking for a way out. (remember, the cop-out). <p>When I married him, I thought I had made a good choice and I had (and still have) every intention of making good on my promise of till death do us part. One thing I think is, how could my judgement have been so screwed up? I have never made such a crucial error in my life. All I wanted was a traditional style family, children and a white picket fence. My H said he wanted the same thing. How can I now trust my judgement, if we do break up and I have to pick another spouse?<p>And, I am sure you will agree, I feel VERY USED. I feel like he used me to make him feel good at a bad time in his life, and now he feels better about himself and no longer needs me. According to him, I can never meet his needs no matter what, because his needs are much different now than they were before.<p>I told him, please, if we work hard we can fix this marriage, I don't agree with your view and I don't want a divorce.<p>His reply was that staying in the marriage would be a mistake because he never loved me in the first place and could never be happy with me.<p>I don't want to be 23 and divorced ! I guess I have no choice, but even with all the pain he has caused, I still want to work things out. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Am I crazy or what? JCs Mommy, I totally see your point of view. I simply can't swallow the fact that my husband hasn't "really" loved me in the past 2 1/2 years. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>P.S. what is BS, WS. All these cryptic acronyms on this site are making me nuts - stbx, soon-to-be-ex?

Wow...I've finally met someone that is living through the same thing i am at the same time. We have been married for alittle over a year as well..And i'm a christian and he is as well..Now he lives with his parents in another state and he still says that he never loved me the way i thought he did..And it's almost as if our stbx(soon to be ex) are twins..He said the same thing the reason he got married was to have a family, and etc...And he got married for the wrong reasons..Well he got what he wanted a family..That's the sad part we did have a baby he is now 3months old and my stbx hasn't been there from the start..Wasn't even at his birth, and has only seen him one time..I don't regret having my son..But i think it would of been alittle easier to move on if he hadn't of come along..But i also didn't want to give up on my marriage..But i realized the more and more i tried to make him change his mind he would just be pushed further and further away..THey are feeling guilty that's more than likely why they are ignoring us or just acting like this all never happend..I'm to the point now that i've become numb and i could care less about what he feels anymore...I know it's not good to be that way..But it feels good to feel this way...Hang in there i'm here and i know what you feel it's a mess..

Avatar that last post was for you..Keep in touch and keep me updated...

Yes, JC'S mommy... I feel relieved that I am not the only one going through this. I am so happy to have found marriage builders (even though it seems i am too late.)<p>Haven't spoken to my husband since Friday night (when he announced he was getting a legal separation). My parents are supportive. I feel like I am spinning, because I feel such a wide range of conflicting emotions.<p>1. Shame. How could I let this happen... how could I not have seen what was going on... i had a big wedding and my family gave many gifts, and now I feel guilty. I feel like i lied to my priest when i told him we wanted to get married and I was sure of what i was getting into. I feel like I lied to myself, my family, God. Now I have to face them when I tell the news.<p>2. Confusion. Where do I go from here? Do I try and get him back? Do I even want back a man who might leave me again when the going gets tough (and by then I might be pregnant or have a child)? Can I ever trust him again (he was a pathological liar). But I made a promise, I should do everything I can to keep it, right?<p>3. Pain, pity. I can't believe this is happening to ME. I never thought it would happen. My husband has left me. I must be a bad wife. Everything he said about me must be true. etc...<p>4. Relief. Good. he was a rotten husband. A liar. He didn't care about my feelings and made effort to harm our relationship, not fix it. He is a coward, he never stood up for me and didn't take care of me when I was sick. How will he treat me when I am pregnant and hormonal? He calls me a b***h as it is. He turns to cigarette (substance) for "comfort". He compained about me to anyone who would listen, even my own friends and my sister. He has genetic tendency for depression, and he is exactly like his mommy, very insecure (puts others down to feel good about himself). Good, now I don't have to deal with him anymore.<p>5. Sadness. I really loved him and wanted to be with him forever. He could be a good guy and seemed to actually be getting back on his feet, and it seemed for a while like he was trying to make an effort in the marriage.<p>You must be going through the same emotional roller coaster.<p>tomorrow morning I am going to see the Priest, (the one my H saw last week) to hopefully get some guidance, and some idea as to whether I should try and win him back, or try and get on with my life. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I would like to hear more news on your situation, JC's Mommy, and anyone else who is reading this thread... it would help me, and each other, out. I am interested in your stories.<p>Love and luck<p>A.

Avatar,
Take my advice, my situation would of been alot different and i wouldn't be here if i would of taken it. The more i tried to get my husband back and tell him how much i loved/needed him he would get more distant. So that would cause me to cling even more and the whole clingy/needy reaction ruined any chance of getting back together..The more you cling the further you push them away. Our husbands are very similar. So if i were you i would just be patient and let him come around..Don't call him, or write him. Let your husband be the first to make contact. And when he does don't break down again, be strong and let him be the one to break down and say he wants to work things out.
I just wish i would of taken my own advice a couple of months ago!! But i was impatient and wanted results right away. So i chased after the stbx so much that i drove him away. And it's not to late for you like it is for me..My marriage is over i just have that gut feeling. My stbx has pretty much forgotten about me and our son. He hasn't contacted me for a couple of weeks and vice versa. It's been 4 1/2 months since the seperation. And we are getting more and more distant, especially because he lives in another state now. So just be patient and let god help guide you in the right direction. Good luck it's not to late for you. I hope i helped i wish i would of been able to change my situation but its to late for me but not for you..

Jc's_Mommy, This is what I have heard from my WS.<p>I don't love you and havent for years.
our marriage has been dead for years.
I love you like a sister.
I hate you , really hate you.
It could of been anyone but you.
I care for you,
I'm not inlove with you I love you.
I don't want to hurt you.<p>This and much more. Just five months ago she sent me to the office with hicky's. After 15 years and three children When there is someone else in the wings the WS becomes very coky and aragant.

So what my situation sounds like is there is someone else??..Or he is hoping to be with someone else??..Maybe i'm in denial..

JC,<p>I read somewhere here that about 80% of people who leave their marriages have someone waiting in the wings. They have either begun an A before they left, or want to start one as soon as they leave. The other 20% may leave because of abuse, money (lack of) etc, or like my mother, nervous breakdown.<p>Your H is displaying classic WS behaviour. He avoids you, he says the same things, he leaves, he won't initiate contact, he will not discuss the relationship or how it might be fixed.<p>A lot of people come here and really believe their spouses aren't having an A, and then most of them sadly discover the truth. Just be prepared for it....because he MAY be in the 20%. But it does explain a LOT of his behaviour towards you, to assume he is having an A.<p>I am sorry for your pain...wish there really was a magic wand out there.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Thanks for the input everyone..I guess i thought that maybe just maybe it wasn't another women that caused him to abandon us..He has asked me several times if there is someone else and he has told me as well that there is no one else and he didn't want to be with anyone else..BUT he didn't want to remain married to me..Is this his way of saying that there is someone but won't admit to?..Any opinons??

Sleep pattern screwed up again...<p>Him asking about you seeing someone else is pretty much a dead giveaway that he is seeing someone.<p>I've seen other posters report the same thing. It is usually an accusation by the wayward spouse that the betrayed spouse is seeing someone. They are looking to alleviate their guilt. They think that if you are doing it, it is okay for them to do it. My WS XW accused me of seeing someone else; totally absurb.<p>Stay calm. Read everything you can here. Come here to explode, never at him. He is in a mess. He will try to blame you if you figure it out. You are not to blame for his affair if he is having one which I suspect.<p>Kevin

JC,<p>Where do you live? You are up really early if you are in the US. I am in Australia. I have asked this b4, and you didn't answer. I am sorry to be nosey, but just curious, really.<p>Well, hon, the WS don't readily admit to A's. My H still denied it with evidence right IN his face. Finally he classified it as "seeing someone". UUUURRRRGGGGHH [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Also it seems to be common for them to ask their BS's if they have had A's, so they can then feel really justified in having their own, I suppose. They like to create a present that is non-existent as well as a past...hence the "I never loved you like I should have. " line.<p>If you assume he is having an A, at least you have a line of attack, and no, I don't mean screaming at him. In fact it would be a LB to keep on asking him if he is, when he keeps denying. Now he isn't living with you so it is difficult to get current evidence. But if you look around your house, or your memory, things may start to make sense. <p>For example, did he start to leave early or work later? Did you suddenly find you couldn't reach him on his cell? That he kept his cell with him ALL the time? That you never saw the bills all of a sudden? Bank accounts, slips, receipts, notes, diaries, heck these guys DO leave a paper trail...they can be incredibly stupid. Look around. You may find stuff.<p>So once you have the goods, then you can confront him with it, but he still may make up a good story about it...happened to me. The Plan A thing to do is kinda turn the other cheek...get on with things KNOWING they are having an A, and show him the best you there is. HARD, hard work. But that is what you can do, if you so want.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

I haven't talked to him for about 3 weeks. I just emailed him on saturday to let him know the final paperwork for the divorce is in the mail..I feel like my heart just broke when i started to think about the stbx with someone else..I really want to confront him!!..But if i do how should i go about it, i really want to know if he is having an A or not. He said to me that he didn't want to be with anyone else and wasn't looking to be in a relationship with someone new..Does that sound like a dead give away or what??..Help i'm really a mess here..

I'm in southern california..And the bad news in my situation is he took everything with him the bills etc..to another state that's where he lives now..And as you mentioned it he did ask me if i was having an affair didn't even think the baby was his..This really fustrates me being in the dark because i'm the type that wants to know. He accused me of cheating because well honestly i would be gone all day working and then i really needed my space(I have a very stressful job)so i would leave and not come home after work or on the weekend for hours i like just being to myself..ANd i was trying to get the last bit of freedom i could because i was pregnant and i knew once the baby came i couldn't really have alot of free time..Is that an excuse for him to have an affair or accuse me did i sound like i was being unfaithful??..He actually cried a couple of days before he left and asked me why i didn't want to spend time with him and if i hated him and was that the reason i avoided him all the time..But honestly i was scared i guess of alot of things..And an A was not even in my mind i loved him to much but needed alot of quiet time too without anyone around..What does this sound like to you please let me know!!

To me - and remember i'm not an expert! - it sounds like he might have accused you based on your behaviour and not on his guilt. I think he probably doesn't know how to deal with his emotions very well (many guys don't). So he was feeling angry/hurt/confused by your behaviour and as a result he withdrew. When he was in this withdrawn state, his brain started to think about why you did this, and his answer was you must be having an affair. He then got angry with you and decided your behaviour is unacceptable, and decided to end the marriage, and ruminates for a while in his own misery and grief, decides he no longer loves you, comes up with crazy scenarios, etc.. (All the while he doesnt communicate any of this with you.) Meanwhile you are happily enjoying time to your self not aware anything is going on. Suddenly your husband leaves you, and you don't even know what is going on.<p>I think sometimes men (and women) just create some stuff in their minds. But after their mind is made up, that is what they firmly believe is really going on.<p>I am not at all saying you are to blame for any of this. YOu can not control how another person thinks or perceives you. I think your H should have been more forthcoming with you and you with him. <p>Maybe, it is not too late. I know earlier you said your "clingyness" drove him away. Perhaps if you can reach out to him in a calm and rational manner (and if indeed there is no one else), say, write him a letter or email, or by a third person, maybe you can get him talking and find out what is going on.<p>That's my best guess, I don't know him or you so don't take my word as gospel [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Best of luck to you!! *hug*<p>A.

The sad truth is i've done everything to try and get him back. I even involved our pastor at church..I don't want to give up but i feel like i'm fighting an already lost cause. If he would give me even a slight hint that maybe we could work things out then i would do everything in my power to keep us together..BUt sad to say he hasn't. And what scared me most while we were together was he wanted to always be with me and around me he was clingy..But i really felt weird about being with him ALL the time especially being pregnant i had really bad mood swings..Well when he left the tables turned and i became really clingy which was a big mistake i regret...Nope there is no one else i've tried to have other male friends just as friends only. But it even though i keep telling myself to just move on why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you..I'm finding it hard to do because my heart doesnt want to move on..
Avatar how is your situation going..And thanks for the advice i guess it's easier for others to understand whats going on when it's someone other than yourself..