if she is taking paxil that can do some strange things to some people. if she is drinking and taking paxil i very bad idea. check out some of the horror stories what paxil has done to some people. also if she is bi-polar and takes paxil she will act like she has. she my be bi-polar and not just depressed. just a thought.

HI,
It was August 11th when I decided it's time to move on (not that I've done it yet, but it's in the works). My circumstances are considerably different, but my H suffers from (undiagnosed) depression and ptsd. In our 14 year marriage, the last four years have taken a tremendous toll on me. I became an angry, bitter and resentful person for a while. After a year and a half here at MB and a few months at verbalabuse.com, I have come to realize that my H is outside my control, and he would have to change a LOT in order for me to stay with him. <p>During an argument in August, a light bulb finally went off in my head that he hasn't changed. It flies in the face of Plan A (e.g., if I change, my spouse can't help but change). He's Plan A resistent. I have one of the marriages that Plan A/Plan B can't fix. I let go of my expectations that he will change. He needs serious counselling, and probably medication, but he refuses. <p>HI, you mentioned a particularly unpleasant episode where alcohol was involved. I'd like to suggest that you keep in mind that the paxil and whatever underlying disorder she has is affecting her ability to function. Ultimately, the person who needs to take care of your W's mental health care is your W. If she's not supposed to drink while taking paxil, it is her responsibility, not yours, to follow the physician's orders. It is her responsibility to take her meds, see the doctor, and so on. <p>Have you expressed concern to her about her mental and emotional health? You mentioned how different she is now compared with the past. Just knowing that someone cares goes a long way toward feeling worthy and wanted. Maybe paxil isn't the right med for her. Maybe she's not taking it? Maybe a cazillion other things. Give her some examples of behavior that you find unacceptable and tell her in no uncertain terms why you find it unacceptable. You can be supportive of her treatment program, but not responsible for it. Only she can be responsible. <p>My H has refused to accept responsibility. It leaves me the choice of staying in a pseudo-marriage that is emotionally damaging me, or leaving. Actually, I want him to move out, but that's a thread of my own. <p>I can see what a tough spot you're in. Marriage vows include "in sickness and in health," and it's hard to reconcile that with mental illness. I've suffered longer and harder than need be due to my willingness to shoulder responsibilities that belonged to my H. I thought it was the right thing to do in the beginning, and it turned out I wasn't doing either one of us any favors. MB can help you be a better person, but given your circumstances, I'd recommend that you read Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud.

I can&#8217;t really speak much to the potential bi-polar and manic comment since I'm a little too close to the situation to be objective. All that I'm absolutely sure of is her behavior and sleeping habits are unhealthy to say the least.<p>We had a long talk Sunday. She was fairly objective and pleasant, which was somewhat rare. Asked her to read http://www.ethicalculture.org/aeuves/forgive.html and tell me if she felt that this was a reasonable way that people act when they have done something to hurt another. She felt that was fairly standard expectation. I asked if she felt I treated her that way when I have done anything to hurt her feelings. She said "most of the time". Next question was do you feel you act that way when you hurt someone? She said "yes, just not with you". So I know she's aware of the context.<p>
Conversation lead to asking her If she knows why this stuff goes on. Her "not sure". Do you think I'm a good husband? Her "yes". <p>Asked if she wanted my opinion of why this is going on? Her "yes"<p>Told her that I felt she was holding a seething anger for me inside, because I didn't react as she anticipated about EMA. I was supposed to beat her and leave her. Also she can&#8217;t come to grips with how she's has behaved, wanting to blame me for having an affair. That this desire to not blame herself was so intense in the beginning of the EMA that she needed to manifest reasons (violent, abusive, controlling) to justify her actions (EMA) as reasonable. Since she was very much a Naïve "good girl" when we met (maybe 2-4 lovers total), that it was very difficult for her to accept responsibility for her actions and still hold onto that self image. She still is allowing her relationship with OM to control aspects of her life. She asked me to explain that one. Gave her the following examples.<p>1) She's scared to death of contact with the OM's wife when she goes to HQ for meetings. OM's wife visits office to see OM and go to lunch, social dinners, etc. I guess recently there have been two near misses. She is also beside herself on what to do about the up-coming corporate X-mas party. She has to go due to her VP title and the OM has to bring his wife. I told her a several times, a while back that if she felt she needed to stay at that job then she needed to try to bring some kind of closure to this by writing a no-contact letter to him and an apology letter to her with a copy of the no-contact letter. She still doesn't want to do it because it would be too uncomfortable. I think having some executive's wife ream you in front of your peers (who mostly don&#8217;t know about EMA) as being a little more uncomfortable and career limiting. I agree that the OM's wife has a high probability of snapping, her husband is bulletproof (family/company ties) and making a scene would only hurt my wife. In fact she agreed with me and is expecting that pretty soon the OM will be calling her to plan their strategy on how to keep his wife away from mine at the party.
2) Refuses to take me on any business trips like I used to take her on or to x-mas party (VPs are supposed to bring spouses). He's terrified of me and She is afraid I might confront OM. Sorry, I have more class than that and she knows it.
3) She still will not talk about aspects of her affair, which I think would be reasonably healthy to our recovery. A good example of this is, She once said that OM treated her like sh_t. I asked how? She didn&#8217;t want to say at the time and still won't. Although she told him all about our problems, and understands that sharing problems of this nature can open an avenue to your heart. I guess it's just the idea of still holding secrets that bothers me.
4) Even though she now sees 95% of the things she was initially mad at me about at the start of EMA where either manifested or molehills and the other 5% I have mostly corrected. She does not want to let go of the anger she developed from that time period. Even though she thinks I'm a good husband and father, and she claims to still love me, she won&#8217;t let go.<p>
All the previous stuff was said to her in a "in my humble opinion and who knows if I'm even close" type of a tone and presentation. She seemed to listen and take it all in, but never said much of anything about it. Later that afternoon she started acting happy, very seductive and hanging on me. That attitude carried on through today. Very strange! I don&#8217;t expect it to last or understand where it came from. <p>
Lonesome Heart - You've read my mind on the marriage vows thing. I heard that vow playing in my head for a long time now. I finally reached the understanding that it is much better for my children to have one healthy stable parent than two who are whacked. I think I could start to suffer from some form of mental health disorders if I continue to live in the same environment much longer. I had only stuck it out these last few months to see what counseling and meds where going to do. I look at it this way; She was always a very stable and communicative person. This entire strange behavior coincides exactly with the beginning of her exposure to the OM or the start of the EA. She doesn&#8217;t want help, or for that matter happiness. I started down this path of post EMA reconciliation believing the stuff I read about "you could have a marriage better that it was before if you can work thought this". Sounded good to me, Everyone makes mistakes. Some just continue to make bad choices. I might be doing her a favor by filing. Maybe then she can move on with her life as a member of the adult community, maybe not. I also now understand why adultery is one of the few things that the church will recognize as reasonable grounds for divorce. I also like your terminology "Plan-A/Plan-B Resistant" Sounds just like mine. <p>
Something else I've learned throughout this trip down EMA lane is it is best not to act upon your feelings immediately. Feelings (at least mine) can change. So, what&#8217;s waiting a few more weeks to see how I feel then? I'm pretty much withdrawn from the situation and feel reasonably safe.<p>
Sorry for the rambling. I do appreciate your comments.<p>
HI

Just a thought about the incident you cited:<p>(from a female's perspective)<p>to me she became angry with you so that SHE DIDN'T have to have sex with you. Once she was "off the hook" sexually she was free to start calming down...she was leaving anyways so there was no point (from her very selfish - it appears - perspective) to be nice to you, apologize, or interact with you at all. But the rage did it's job. It gave her a reason to send you on your way.<p>sad.<p>LLL

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>