Please see latest post as I have revised letter. ANNA<p>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Anna2000:
[QB]Hi all,<p>I need your help with a letter to my 12 year old son. This is the most important letter I have ever written in my life, so I want to get it right. <p>My son has lost his trust in me. I see this in everything I tell him now. He doesn't believe the things I say anymore. I think he's afraid some day I or his dad will stop loving him or I will make another promise and break it. Apparently a long time ago he insist I told him his mom and dad would not divorce because I am a Christian and Christians don't believe in divorce. I have racked my brain trying to remember this promise. I do remember once a really long time ago, he came home crying because a friend was getting a divorce and he worried my husband and I would to. I tried to assure him that we are a Christian family and it probably wouldn't happen. I don't remember the promise, but he is insisting I made this promise. <p>He is hurting because of this. His trust is gone. He also told me a couple of his friends at school as really rubbed it in his face because apparently he told them before all this happened that his mom and dad would never divorce because we our Christians. I feel so sad for him and so mad at myself. I think time may heal this if I try really hard to not breech his trust again, but he needs some assurance now too. I wrote him this letter but I worry it'll make things worse instead of better. Please give me your opinions, good, bad, flames or whatever. I'll take anything!<p>Here's the revision so far with the help of Kam, Suzie on E/N and What do I do. Thanks guys.<p>Dear Son,<p>Looking back at all my mistakes I've made, I see the biggest mistake I ever made was making a promise to you I could not keep. You tell me I promised you dad and I would not divorce because of my Christianity. I am so sorry about this. I was so wrong to ever make that promise. I look back and have no idea why I would make a promise no one can keep. I feel so sad. I think I've lost your trust. I can not take back this mistake and redo it. All I can do is learn from my mistake. From now on, I will try to never make a promise that can not be 100% guaranteed. <p>I think as a parent I was trying to protect you so much, it clouded my judgement. As a mother, I would love to be the most perfect mother in the world. I would love for you to look back at your life and say "My mother was perfect." However, I know this is unrealistic. I am human and I make mistakes just like any mom's do. I am sorry for this mistake, as it was so far my biggest mistake I ever made. I just hope I learned a huge lesson from this and will try hard to not make it twice.<p>Honey, I also want you to know, although your dad and I can no longer live in the same house together, my love for your dad will never totally die. As God has said "Love never dies." Your father and I have both agreed to make sure you and your brother get the love you need from both parents. We will try our best every day to let you see the love we both have for you and your brother. We have both talked with each other about the care your brother and you need and we are trying hard to work together to meet those needs. <p>Please let me know if you feel daddy or I can do a better job at taking care of you or your brother. If you need to talk to me about the hurt and pain you feel towards the broken promise I have made, please talk to me and I will listen. I do understand why you feel so hurt and your trust has been damaged now. I hope someday I can gain your trust back as a parent.<p>I love you,<p>Mom <p>Please give me anything suggestions on this!<p>ANNA<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]<p>[ October 28, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

I dont know your son's level of maturity, but your letter sounds pretty good, as long as it was written appropriately to his level. And I'd leave out the word unfortunately before, I am human. <p>IMO, your son is more hurt from the fact of the divorce than from your broken promise. At 12 he has surely seen enough divorce to know deep down that was a promise nobody can make. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job of making up for the broken promise and of being a supportive parent during this tought time.

what do I do,<p>You are right. I'll take out "Unfortunately". Also, as I was writing it I did take into account his level of maturity. He's a fairly bright 12 year old. Aren't all our children. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As for the divorce, yes, I'm sure this does bother him the most. Although, my son did think are family was different, he felt Christians just didn't divorce, as all the friends I had never been divorced and my parents who are Christians have never been divorced. I think the one thing he needs is to have his feelings validated right now. Thanks again for your suggestion. I sure appreciate it. <p>I'm gonna wait awhile to give this to him as I worry someone will chime in afterward and give me some input I need to help my son to understand.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

I've been lurking here for several months but I felt I had to reply to your post Anna.<p>As a parent I feel that it is your duty to help your son see that a promise broken is not indicative of trust broken. A promise is a pledge one gives at a particular point in time when conditions are such that the promiser feels that they will be able to keep their word. But situations in life change from day to day and often from hour to hour and your son has to be helped to learn that it is because of these changes that not only were you unable to keep a promise made to him but that in the future it may happen again and that it may not be the promiser's fault. In fact, one day he will find himself in a situation where he will be unable to honor his word and it won't because he doesn't want to but because outside influences will prevent him from doing so. <p>I know that you said you based your promise on your belief in Christianity. Members of all faiths are human beings first and children should be taught and made to understand that if a member of a faith goes against their religious beliefs that the god of that faith is a loving entity and will forgive them, as they should forgive themselves and others who transgress.<p>LMOLM<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: LoveMeOrLeaveMe ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LoveMeOrLeaveMe:
<strong>I've been lurking here for several months but I felt I had to reply to your post Anna.<p>As a parent I feel that it is your duty to help your son see that a promise broken is not indicative of trust broken. A promise is a pledge one gives at a particular point in time when conditions are such that the promiser feels that they will be able to keep their word. But situations in life change from day to day and often from hour to hour and your son has to be helped to learn that it is because of these changes that not only were you unable to keep a promise made to him but that in the future it may happen again and that it may not be the promiser's fault. In fact, one day he will find himself in a situation where he will be unable to honor his word and it won't because he doesn't want to but because outside influences will prevent him from doing so. <p>I know that you said you based your promise on your belief in Christianity. Members of all faiths are human beings first and children should be taught and made to understand that if a member of a faith goes against their religious beliefs that the god of that faith is a loving entity and will forgive them, as they should forgive themselves and others who transgress.<p>LMOLM<p>[ October 26, 2001: Message edited by: LoveMeOrLeaveMe ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Love me or leave me,<p>HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!!!<p>You sound just like my stbx!!!<p>I sit here in shock reading your comments.<p>I feel bad because this is your first post and you sound like a really nice person. I don't want you to be discouraged by disagreeing with you. I truly hope you will post again. <p>Ok, let me explain my husbands feelings. He has told me our entire 17 years of marriage almost the exact same thing you said. If I didn't no for sure my stbx was out of town, I'd think he wrote your comments. What you are saying is wrong. A promise is a contract and yes sometimes promises do get broken but there better be no other choice when breaking that promise. A person needs to be responsible for breaking any promise they made. We had better do everything in our power not to break that promise. When we break it we need to take responsibility that more than likely we just broke someone trust and must now regain that trust back.<p>It took a whole lot for me to finally get the point that my husband will not keep his promise to me. The last time this is what happened.<p>We were separated. I was planning to file separation papers so he couldn't come back in the house. I saw the anger and hate he had for me and I worried about what he would do. He promised me if I held off on these papers, he would under no circumstances move back in without my permission. He promised me if he came over to visit if I felt threatened physically he would leave immediately. He promised me all I had to say was, "H go, I feel threatened and I need you to leave." and he would go without questions. I took him at his word once again. Once again he broke my trust. He came over one day, he got mad at me, he started swinging his hand at me in a hitting motion, yelling at me, I asked him to please go. I reminded him of his promise. He told me he wouldn't go, he said his promise was no good anymore, he said that promise was in the past. He said circumstances changed his promise. He stayed most of the day bullying me. At counseling afterward, the counselor sat in shock of his answers and his broken promises, not understanding why he had to break his promise and could not convince him he did anything wrong. My husband new if I would have followed through on divorce papers, he would have no right to be there that day. That was it for me. He won't have the chance to make any more promises. <p>Love me or leave me, I don't know your current situation, but with the attitude you just portrayed I can not see why a person would trust anything you say to them.<p>I hope you reconsider your thoughts on this.<p>Take care and good luck here and in your marriage.<p>ANNA

You know what Anna? I LOVE your letter. <p>I think it's a great idea, and I think a 12 year old is perfectly capable of understanding all of it.<p>I wrote a similiar letter to my children -- and added some little things about each that I loved, that somehow touched on both their father and me... like... um... for my middle daughter, I said something at the end like:<p>Daughter, your ability to see beneath the surface of people is a gift you recieved from both your father and me. I pray that you realize that you were conceived in love, and that the love I had in my heart for your dad when you were born will never change. You are a light in my world. Thank you.<p>I don't know if you'd feel comfortable doing that, but it might be a nice touch.<p>Best wishes, and even if you send him the letter you've already written without any changes, I think it will be good. Your son knows you and he knows your heart... he will appreciate this, I'm sure.

nyneve,<p>You are right that was beautiful. I will amend the letter to try to add something like that.<p>Thanks girl,<p>ANNA

Hi, For what it is worth with a 12 yr. old, maybe if your H is the one filing and wanting a divorce you should say that you did not break your promise and it is wrong for the H to break his promise to you. I believe it is, and that I would add. I believe divorce is wrong, especially with children. If you are not the one wanting the divorce be clear with your son on that note. good luck!

Whoa, I just registered because (among other things) I think this is important - honey, be VERY careful here. <p>In my opinion, telling your son that "the divorce wasn't my idea, so it isn't my fault" may very well be true, but what it does is basically pit the child against the father. The mother (ANNA) should set an example for the kids by not playing the blame game. It is not fair for the parents or the children to be told it is one parent's fault or the other. If ANNA tells her son that it was not her idea to get divorced, the son will be angry and blame the father. Then, the father will just retort with some story like, "well, it is really your mother's fault because she deserved it.. she did this and that". Then the son will blame the mother - and back and forth - an emotional roller coaster!! In my opinion, keep the kids out of any nasty feelings between you two at all costs!!!!! You will only end up hurting the kids.

honey, my husband abused me physically. I don't want him back. He filed because he knew I was going to file. He did me a favor. Under most circumstances I would agree with you. If it weren't for the physical abuse I would be fighting for my marriage.<p>Thanks for the response.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Hi all,<p>Here's the new revised version. It is a rough draft as I am tired and still suffering from a head cold. Please feel free to critique this one too. Although, SNL (he posted on E/N and my revisions are mainly due to his posts), try not to say words like self serving....Instead just try to say something like, "Anna, how about putting it this way instead" or "This way may be a better way...". [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks everyone for your help, you guys don't know how much I appreciate it.<p>ANNA<p>
Dear Son,<p>Looking back at all my mistakes I've made, the biggest mistake I have ever made is breaking my promise mom and dad would never divorce. I was honest when I made it, I had no idea at the time it was a promise I would break some day. I did break it though, and I am so sorry this is hurting you. I want you to know I tried so hard to keep this promise, but I failed. <p>I have been thinking of ways to avoid ever breaking a promise to you in the future. I am not saying it will never happen again, but I will tell you I am going to try really hard to make it never happen again. One way I can keep my promises to you is to be more realistic about the promises I make. For instance, with this promise, I realize now I should have said, "I promise to always work hard at never divorcing but I can't promise you a divorce will never happen." In the past, on most of my promises such as promises to take you and your brother some place fun, I usually try to remember to say, "I will keep this promise unless an emergency arises, such as an illness." I will continue doing this and will try hard each time to make only those commitments I know I can keep. I love you and your brother so very much and I want you two to grow up healthy and happy. I try my best not to make mistakes when making choices as your mother. However, although I would love to be the most perfect mother in the world, I am human and as with all moms, I make mistakes. Again, I am sorry for this mistake, I know it has hurt you so deeply.<p>Honey, I also want you to know, although your dad and I can no longer live in the same house together, my love for your dad will never totally die. As God has said "Love never dies." We also have both agreed to make sure you and your brother get the love you both need. We will try our best every day to let you see the love we both have for you and your brother. We have both talked with each other about the care your brother and you need and are still working together to meet those needs. <p>I am so very proud of both you and your brother. Please let me know if you feel daddy or I can do a better job at taking care of you. If you need to talk to me about the hurt and pain you feel towards the broken promise or the pain you feel about the divorce, please talk to me and I will listen. I do understand why you feel so hurt about everything. <p>I love you,<p>Mom

Anna<p>Rest assured I am not your husband. As for your not agreeing with me that is fine. But it is not your place to tell me to change my thinking or attitude. I am, as an adult, with 53 years under my belt and two successfully grown children entitled to my opinion, beliefs and attitude if you wish to call it that.<p>What you are referring to when you talk about your husband is different in my view than what has transpired with your son. In my opinion, when you made that verbal promise to him about remaining married you promised him something that relied on the actions of two people. You cannot promise, nor should you make a promise, which involves the action of another person. If you had said to him "Son I promise to do all I can to remain married to your dad for the rest of our lives", then you would not have broken your word. But because you included your husband's action in your statement, you have taken part of the control of the promise out of your hands and left yourself open to what you consider or your son considers a breach of trust. <p>I still suggest and feel that your son should, at the age of 12, be made aware that when one makes a promise, the promise cannot always be kept because of extenuating circumstances such as the one you have found yourself in. <p>Your letter is lovely and by all means give it to your son. After all it is your family and only you know the values you wish to instill in him and how you wish him to view you and his father. You know best how to regain his trust. <p>As for your comments regarding husband, it is difficult, if not impossible, to live in an abusive relationship. Does your son not see that his father is this way towards you and that you are fearful of him? Does he think this behavior of a husband to a wife is the way things should be? Do you feel that your son is perhaps old enough to see and understand that abusive behavior such as that which his father has displayed is wrong in both a civil and moral way? If so, why would he wish you to promise to stay in a relationship which causes you physical and mental pain? <p>As for my personal status, I am currently married and although things have gone astray in the last year, the recent events of September have made us both try harder to make a go of things as we still do care for and respect one another. <p>LMOLM

Love me or leave me,<p>Actually I think I said "I hope you reconsider your thoughts on this." I am sorry if you took that as me telling you what to do. Also, I apologize for misunderstanding what you meant by promises. <p>Anyway, thanks for your advice I did read everything you said and most of what you said on your second post regarding promises were exactly what I said on the Emotional needs thread. I don't typically post double threads but this was the post important thread I have ever done and I want to do the best I can on this letter. <p>Here's the thread on EN, I think I covered a lot of your questions on this one.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=006475&p=<p>My stbx was not an every day abuser. Most of the verbal abuse and physical abuse stopped after he stopped drinking. We rarely fought around the children especially. He did try to control his anger and most of the time after the children were born he succeeded in not being physically violent. He will not however take responsibility for the times he did get physical. My children never saw the physical abuse. They did see his temper though. I think as they get older it will be obvious more and more to him some of the behavior he had was not appropriate.<p>Thanks for the encouragement. I will give son the letter tomorrow.<p>Take care,
ANNA

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Avatar:
<strong>Whoa, I just registered because (among other things) I think this is important - honey, be VERY careful here. <p>In my opinion, telling your son that "the divorce wasn't my idea, so it isn't my fault" may very well be true, but what it does is basically pit the child against the father. The mother (ANNA) should set an example for the kids by not playing the blame game. It is not fair for the parents or the children to be told it is one parent's fault or the other. If ANNA tells her son that it was not her idea to get divorced, the son will be angry and blame the father. Then, the father will just retort with some story like, "well, it is really your mother's fault because she deserved it.. she did this and that". Then the son will blame the mother - and back and forth - an emotional roller coaster!! In my opinion, keep the kids out of any nasty feelings between you two at all costs!!!!! You will only end up hurting the kids.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Avantar,<p>You are so right. I won't do it to the childen. Right now they have very little anger showing towards this. I am sure they have some, but overall they seem to handling it fairly well. Mainly because I think we've done our best to not point fingers. I refuse to put my children in the middle and stress them out anymore than they already are.<p>The other day, my youngest son's only concern was who is going to help him cut his pumpkin and who will take him trick or treating. I knew this was a tradition between he and his father so I said, I will get pumpkins, you and dad can cut them at dad's house. You can bring them home with you. Dad can come into the neighborhood(not in the house though, although he doesn't have to know that)and take you trick or treating and I can hand out candy. He was happy again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well thanks for the comment it was very sweet of you to register in order to respond.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Anna, I think you are handling in an excellent way a not-so-excellent situation. I hope I can have your strength in my situation (husband just announced he is leaving/divorcing me after 1 yr of marriage, no abuse involved, no affair, thankfully no kids).<p>And I like the second letter very much. Suggestion: maybe you can write the other kids letters too (I don't know their ages though), just explaining kind of what is going on, that the divorce has nothing to do with them and that you and their father love them very much. Kind of to reaffirm their self-esteems. Tell them they are great kids and you want them to know that they can talk to you whenever they need to. <p>I think that this could address any "private" bad feelings they might be having.

Anna<p>It is so easy to unestimate just what a child knows and remembers when we think they are too young to understand or when we think we have kept things hidden from their small eyes and ears. I learned that painful lesson years after my first marriage dissolved. It was a good marriage until its last year. Our girls were 4 and 7 and we kept the problem from them quite successfully, we thought, because the anger and disbelief of events were only discussed after they were asleep. It was only when the youngest had reached the age of 13 that she sat looking at old family photographs and said quite non-chalantly "Oh that picture was taken of dad before he decided that he loved Chris better than us. Mom, how come dad didn't know he loved men better than ladies before you two got married?" Believe me, his bi-sexually was never discussed in front of them. It was not a subject that was yelled at home because of fear the neighbors would hear. And in fact, to this day, 28 years later my family still does not know why my marriage broke up.<p>So be on guard as your son grows toward adolescent that he doesn't abuse alcohol and that he learns how to deal with his anger. It is behavior that he has seen and might not realize is unacceptable.<p>LMOLM

Thanks everyone for your help,<p>His response was this. He read the letter, gave it back to me, I looked at it. He had made the following change. Where it said this, "Again, I am sorry for this mistake, I know it has hurt you so deeply." He marked out "so deeply" and put "just a little." He said this, "Mom, I think this is hurting you a lot more than it hurt me. It just bothered me a little. I know you had to do what you did, and it's O.K." He then hugged me.<p>Right now, I am so very proud of my son!<p>Thanks again guys!<p>ANNA

You really have a wonderful man in the making there Anna, He took what could have been a weapon against you and instead set your mind at easy.<p>Good job of raising a fine boy Anna.<p>-Kat-

You have a fine son there Anna. He sounds like he is going to grow up to be a wonderful man one day.<p>LMOLM