My question is mainly to the women who have betrayed their spouse.<p>
When my H was into finding out what went wrong he came across a site that said why most women have an A on their spouse. Most start to feel like their H's don't love them anymore. Spending too much time for other things and not with there family. I got married very young and I guess I thought marriage was going to be like the fairy tale when it wasn't. After a period of time I was extremely depressed, doctor said I also had seperation anxiety being 2300 miles from all of my family. He perscribed paxil which was helping I am told. I got very angry. Kept telling my H how I felt. Or so I thought I was doing that. I guess not a very good job. So to make a long story short I thought that being seperated would be the answer. We both agreed which was the first mistake should never agree to something like that and then have stipulations to boot. Thats a disaster waiting to happen. So in that time is when I met the OM. The problem was I continued to see OM when H didn't agree anymore. I was scared, and confused, and tired of arguing and fighting and tried to tuck my feelings away. Thinking that they would go away. I wasn't true to OM, H, or myself. For I never stopped loving my H but really trully thought that there was nothing to salvage. Until the last 8-9 mos. or so I have been doing nothing but thinking. When it comes right down to it. I created the confusion b/c I was hurt and angry and thought my H didn't give a damn. I was wrong. I love him with all my heart and I have always loved him and always will. I don't know where to go from here. He is coming down for x-mas and our son's b-day in Dec. Everytime we have seen each other we are intimate. I really hope thats what happens and then again I hope its not. It hurts me even more. The one thing I hate the most is hurting him, making his heart hurt in this way. I am the cause of that. My selfish actions, my not really thinking b/c I was hurt. So now how can I expect him to try and not say or do stupid things b/c he is hurt or angry. The fact is this. I don't want it to be over. I am willing to do what it takes to atleast have a genuine try at our marriage. But I don't know anymore.

IWTO,<p>It is good that you are recognizing what has happened in your marriage, and taking responsibility for your actions.<p>Are you still seeing,or having ANY contact with the OM?<p>You said your H was coming down, did you move back to where your family is?<p>Have you read any of the information on here about surviving an affair?<p>-Kat-

it takes a lot of strenghth to admitt you were wrong and made a big mistake. Did you tell your husband these things. I know I would love to hear my ex admitt what she did and then be able to start from there, I never had a chance to talk it over tell her what I wanted or felt.

No, I don't talk to the OM. Yes, I moved back to where my family is. Yes and No I have told my H these things. Its easier for him to ignore me since we live so far apart. He can't hide how he feels when we are together. He tried but it is obvious, even by the way he will look at me. I have not read anything on surviving the affair. I thought that was for the BS. I don't know where to go from here. I try to understand and look at it in his point of view. I think I am going to try and talk to him when he comes down. To see what happens. I hope something good comes of it....

You've made a big step by starting to be able to look at the situation through someone else's eyes. My advice to you is let him know everything you've written above, and more. And saying it just once may not be enough. He might even be "stupid" as you put it, be prepared for it by understand that this "stupidity" is caused by pain and just react to it by putting your heart back on the line. It might take some time, so be patient. <p>As you read these posts you'll see most BS who were truly hurt by a WS, would stop shy of killing to hear their WS say what you just wrote. I doubt your H will be any different. To me it sounds like you might be giving your husband, son and yourself the best x-mas gift you have to give. Love, understanding, compassion, and a potential future as a happy family again. <p>I wish you the best and hope you continue to post on these boards as an inspiration for some of us who are on the verge of throwing in the towel.

There are days that I have hope then there are days that I don't. He is talking to some girl on the net. He says they are friends but from other ppl they say its his net girlfriend. He has told me about her I have actually talked to her. Granted she didn't know it was me. He told me that he told her that he was divorced. She also told me that. He tells me when she calls or things they talk about. Is this normal? I know he must feel lonely and might be afraid or too angry to talk to me in a way that might fulfill him more. I am positive he has seen no one face to face. He seems to want to have affection but not physically. This is what worries me. There are things that he does that keeps my hope then I know I am jealous of this person. Thats when I think its over. But there are still things he does that give me doubts that he wants it to be over. I just don't know. I filed my divorce myself in TX and I am not in Tx anymore so I can't get it finalized. I ask him what he wanted to do and he didn't say much of anything. I don't know if i should tell him how I feel all the time. leave him alone or what. I don't want to loose him. I am afraid that I already have but like I said there are things that he does that just don't add up. I am not the only one that sees it. I am so lost. I am afraid to say things to him on this level. Its like anything other then chit chat is off limits. I don't want to make him mad. But then again I don't want him to think that i don't want my marriage. For as uniquely as we met and how much love we had I just can't fatham that he doesn't care anymore. I know I was mad and hurt and thought it was over. But the simple fact is I never stopped loving him so I can't imagine that he could do the same. I am sooooooooooo scared beyond anyone's beliefs. I see pictures I cry, look at my son I cry, I cry all the time. Wondering how stupid I could have been to have messed this up sooooooo bad. I pray to God everyday that he just lets his heart open a little so that I can show him how sorry I am. I would fly to the moon and back if it meant just the chance to show him how very much I am sorry and how much he means to me and that I love him and I don't want lose him. I am scared to say really anything to him. Don't know how to say don't even know if I have a right to say it. When I told him that I was posting here again he said good for you but thats not for me anymore. He says its over and there are these things that he does. The fact that he's not in a great hurry to get divorced. Does anyone have any insight maybe you did this know someone who did. I am going crazy, please please help me, i am desperate!!!

IWTO,<p>My view of your situation is straight forward. If you won't go see him, move near him, or make a move of any sort, it is over. You left, you filed for divorce, and you need to take action rather than simply posting here.<p>You have talked with him, he has apparently visited you, but YOU have not done anything overtly positive about committing to him. You want a safe path to recovery and I am afraid there is no safe path to recovery.<p>You will have to take a risk or lose him. I think that is really what all of this boils down to.
I wish I could offer you some magic words or deeds that would guarentee the result you want but I don't know of one.<p>It is really up to you. Quit second guessing him, and focus on what you want and what you will do for what you want. I believe the answer to all of this lies there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL