I haven't been the best husband in the world...far from it. In September of this year, my spouse announced that she was separating from me. She sees that in 15 years we haven't gotten anywhere and feels she can do better on her own. I love her from the very bottom of my heart and am willing to do anything to save my marriage. I have joined a mens group for guys who have either dealt with or are dealing with the affects of separation or divorce and am considering personal counselling as well.<p> Up until now, I have been doing anything I could think of to be good to my spouse and it seems as though she has only grown more distant. She says that she stills cares deeply for me but she just doesn't love me anymore. I asked if she would attend couples counselling and she said she would go(Divorce is going to take a year) but she would tell the counsellor right off that she didn't want to be there.<p>She says her issues are fear and trust and I can see her perspective and realize that I have made a lot of mistakes. I am trying to get my life back on track so that she will want to be a part of it.<p>I hear a lot of "Plan A" and "Plan B" talk. What are these? I need to get my act together and put everything I can into saving my marriage. At least that way, if it still ends, I can feel good about myself. I love this gal so much that it hurts very deeply to be apart. Anyone with experience and solid advice is welcome to respond. I feel like I'm drowning in a huge pond with no-one there to guide me to shore.

Dear imperfect:<p>I was thinking that was a good name for myself. Alot of what your wife is feeling is what led me to the terrible mess that I am in now. I think that your wife does love you she has just gotten fed up. What I mean by this. So much has happened that she can't take anymore, she is deeply hurt, depressed and or angry. Her telling you that she would go to couples counseling is the first step, but you have to take things into consideration. What you need to do is read the "basic concepts" <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html <p>just read this from the beginning to the end and you will better understand what they were talking about "plan a'ing and b'ing". <p>I don't know the circumstances to why your wife has trust issues. Maybe you can print out the basic concepts and see if she will read them. I am sure there are a ton of women that can relate to her here as well if she'd like to make a post. <p>I felt confused and was definately certain that my marriage was over. As i learned, your marriage is what you make of it and put into it. You can't change anyone. There are always going to be people or loved ones or whoever that do things you don't like. The thing for you to do is see what things you need to change. Not for your W, but for yourself. It took me awhile to get this. instead of talking show her. It will take time. It does not happen over night. Seeing someone change for themselves and hearing them talk about it is two different things. Like they say talk is cheap. you have to be very open and understanding to your W thoughts and feelings. Though she may not be so understanding or thoughtful to yours. Alot of women feel like they are taken for granted. I did. I was also determined that my marriage was over. Some 8-9 mos later I am desperate to do anything to keep from getting divorced. The roles have changed sir and I know what it is like to be on both ends. I think in time the things you are doing will pay off. But you are right, if not, you will be better prepared and know that you did everything that you could. I wish you all the luck sir. I shall pray for you. God bless and take care,<p>
p.s. be sure to read what is at that link I posted....

Please visit www.restorem.org. It has been helpful to me during my stand for my marriage.
Morriggs
morriggs@yahoo.com

I am curious. I read the URL that "The One" sent me to. What seemed most to stand out was that I should endeavour to make deposits into the "Love Bank". Right now, my W doesn't feel that she loves me so it is my understanding that I should still go ahead and be as loving and understanding as possible. This as I see it would be unconditional love, that being, love given without expectation of anything in return. I'm not sure how exactly to go about this.<p> I spent about 3 hours with her today. I assured her verbally that I do indeed love her and gave her a big hug even though she didn't really return it very enthusiastically. I told her that if she needs me for anything that I am there for her and never more than a phonecall away.<p> Part of the problem that I currently face is a result of my own selfishness. I was a substance abuser and am now 2 months clean and sober. There was a physical component as well as a failure on my part to have and or keep a job. I am now employed and contributing to the needs of the children.<p>We are living separately so the amount of time we can spend together is severely limited. What I want to know is, What can I do to make more deposits into the "Love Bank". For "The One" in particular, what caused you to change your mind? I'm hungry for knowledge on this subject. By all means, feed me.

First off I'd like to say congrats on being clean and sober. Though I have never used any kind of drug my best friend used. I believe she has been clean and sober for almost 4 years now. I am so proud of her. Do you go to NA meetings if not I think you should try and 2 ask your wife if she will attend NARANON for ppl who have loved ones that are addicts. Anyway, I am facing the same thing about the love bank. But I am greeted with he doesn't want to hear it. I email him actually. Its really hard for me to deposit as well. We live 2300 miles away. I am so lost as to what to do. Sir, I was really confused at the point of our seperation. I thought that was what I wanted I thought that I wanted a divorce I didn;t think things would change. The point is don't expect things to change. Work thru them is the best thing. I never stopped loving my H. I even had somewhat of a relationship w/OM. In this time I realized alot of things. That it doesn't matter how many probs you have the answer is not to split up and seek out something else. The grass isn't greener on the other side. I think I have messed up my marriage for good. I pray alot and have hope. That hope is spread thin. But I do have some. My H is a wonderful man. I just wish that I could go to sleep and wake up in his arms and have the knowledge I have now but none of this had ever happened. But I can't. It tears me up. I am such an emotional mess its pathetic. I can't tell you when it gets better. I think that if your wife went to one of those meetings it would help her understand your disease. We get tired and wore out. I thought it was over...and I was sadly mistaken. I don't know whats gonna happen. If you have anymore q's feel free to email me @ snowbunny21_tx@yahoo.com