I will not be posting here for a while nor will I be able to IM for a while, because I am having computer trouble and I am getting so tired of it that I am going to format my hard drive and start over from scratch...just like my life, I guess!<p>I feel like warmed over death, anyway, because my w came by yesterday with a 'friend' to pick up more of her stuff. I love her sooo much but I am barking up the wrong tree, i suppose. I am trying to beat the depression and the black hole that comes with it, but it feels like a losing battle, sometimes.<p>Anna, I am sorry that I was not able to contribute to your 'letter to son' thread. I have been to caught up in my own load of garbage for the last week or so. I am sorry.<p>The same sorry goes to you, Nina. I have been so wrapped up in wondering why & where I messed up so badly, that I have probably neglected to find out what is going on in your life and what bothers you. I hope that your new house is all you want it to be.<p>D., my other IM pal, I forget your screen name, so I hope that you know who I am talking to. I realize that you are going through many of the same problems as I am; losing job, spouse being hurtful, etc. I am sorry if I have not been there for you.<p>FaithfulWife, I hope that you are doing well. I try to follow your threads to see how you are doing.<p>I hope I am not forgetting anyone...but I feel to depressed to think too much right now.<p>I am so much in love with my wife and she is so much NOT in love with me that I feel completely lost right now.<p>I hope you are all doing well. I will be ok in a while, it will just take time, a lot of time.<p>Take care to all,
my best & my prayers to everyone on the boards,<p>vb_guy

This line should have read:
'I hope I am not forgetting anyone...but I feel too depressed to think too much right now.'<p>I hate when 'to', 'too', & 'two' are used incorrectly....I probably do it 'too' much myself!

Hi Victoria_Bitters Guy<p>I am sorry that you can't post for a while, cos you sound like you need some extra support. I hope it won't be too long before you are back online.<p>Thanks for the concern over not being supportive of me, but the truth is you HAVE. Good conversation and friendship do help, ya know! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please, in the meantime try to remember that your wife is in her fog, and that all you can really do about that is Plan A hard, so she can see the best YOU there is.<p>So I take it you were there when her and 'friend' picked up the stuff [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . Maybe it's a good idea if you don't do that next time...too hard for you.<p>Sending you lots of healing love, light and peace, vb, and I hope you can be back with us soon.<p>Jacky

vb_guy,<p>You have been there for me, Jacky and all of us. We know that! No need to apologize on the letter, you have never let me down as a friend, not once. I value your friendship very much. <p>You wanna do something for me right now? This is the only favor I am gonna ask of you as a friend, so please get it right. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] This month, I want you to go for 30 minute walks every day. I won't take "no" for an answer. Absolutely no excuses will be accepted. I know you have other hobbies but this one do for me, PLEASE! That's all I am asking, this will put a smile on my face. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are strong, intellegent and kind, and you will get through this! Take care, if you need us, you know where we are.<p>ANNA

My friend, vb_guy, I know I have not written to you a lot on THIS forum, but I need to respond to you today. Going through the loss of your spouse is one of (if not THE) hardest thing you will ever go through in your life. The pain is ENORMOUS, and just surviving can seem like such a struggle. But there were a few things you said in your email that I really wanted to talk to you about:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I will not be posting here for a while nor will I be able to IM for a while...I feel like warmed over death... I am trying to beat the depression and the black hole that comes with it, but it feels like a losing battle, sometimes. <hr></blockquote> and <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> ...I feel too depressed to think too much right now. <hr></blockquote><p>
Okay, vb_guy, I understand if you are having technical difficulties and must repair your computer hardware in order to have it work properly; however, I suspect that the real reason you are re-formatting your harddrive (which is a pretty drastic move) is because you are so tired and depressed and sad and sick of dealing with it all, that you just want to give up. In some ways, it's almost symbolic: if you wipe out your harddrive, you wipe out your life--if you start over on your harddrive, you start over on your life. But vb_guy, you know as well as I do, that it is not really that way in real life. In real life, even after you re-format your harddrive and start over, all of the problems will still be the same. It is conceivable your equipment will run more efficiently, but your life and your heart and your hurt will be the same. <p>I suggest that instead of "giving up" or "starting over" and just quitting, that you consider the option of identifying the problems and dealing with them. Face your demons head on and give them a name. Say the name out loud. Admit to yourself and to other what your demons are. And at the same time, deal with them. What can you do about your demons? Can you learn and grow? Can you do the work to become the man that God intended for you to be? <p>vb_guy, this is not all fun and games and hugs and pats on the back. This is real, honest-to-goodness hard work. My demons were angry outbursts and unforgiving spirit and a fault-finding spirit. My demons lead my marriage right to the brink of destruction. And here's the real kicker, vb_guy...FACING THE DEMONS AND DEALING WITH THE DEMONS DID NOT FIX MY MARRIAGE!! But it did make me a better person...a better wife...a better mother...a better woman. I can not fix my marriage by myself, but I can fix ME, and if you face your demons, vb_guy, you may not be able to save your marriage, but you will be able to save yourself.<p>I would highly encourage you not to go into a cave. I know...it is VERY tempting, and if you can help and heal yourself by going for a little while, then go ahead. But if you are going in the cave in order to hide or "get away" from your problems, don't go in there, because they won't go away. Trust me, I know how much more easier it would be to just curl up in a little ball and grieve, but you will receive a lot of love and support if you will just let other's know of your pain AND you will be giving them a gift too--the gift of unselfish caring for another human being. Please keep trying to let us know how you are and what you need (a hug or an encouraging word). Don't just lock yourself away. Furthermore, as you learn and grow and start to understand, share what you learn because it will help other people who are on this same journey too. <p>vb_guy, I have been where you are now. I have been so sad and lonely and depressed and rejected that I just didn't honestly WANT to live anymore--it hurt too much to live. Not that I'm talking suicide, here, but rather, "Please God just make this pain stop!!!" There were nights when I lived 15 minutes at a time, because I knew that was all I could do...to say, "I'll feel better in the morning" when the morning was 8 hours away and I knew I'd be awake every one of those long 8 hours was too long. So, I'd live for 15 minutes. Then, I'd live for 15 minutes more. I'd say, "Well, in 15 minutes, I'll get a cup of tea, and I want to have that treat, so I'll live for 15 more minutes." Do you know what I mean, vb_guy? Sometimes, you just can't expect anymore out of yourself than that. <p>So, in summary, stop running away from your demons, because wherever you go, there you'll be! They come with you, they chase you, they follow you, and they will not go away. Turn around and face them. Let us help you face them. Give us the gift of giving you the support and encouragement you need, and likewise, be a friend to us. And finally, stop expecting yourself to be a super hero! You can not do everything all by yourself. Just stay alive...and don't expect anything more out of yourself until you are a little stronger. It' okay! <p>Next, you wrote: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> ...I have been so wrapped up in wondering why & where I messed up so badly, that I have probably neglected (you)... <hr></blockquote> and <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I am so much in love with my wife and she is so much NOT in love with me that I feel completely lost right now. <hr></blockquote><p>vb_guy, I have a very wise friend (yes--even wiser than I am!) who told me that I had a mistaken belief, and I think you might share my mistaken belief. My belief is that somehow, what I DO determines how someone else feels about me. Something like, "If I am good and do everything I am supposed to do, then he/she will love me. If he/she doesn't love me, it must be because of something I am not doing that I should be, or because of something that I am doing that I shouldn't be." <p>Do you identify with that a little? If you do, may I share something with you that is going to blow your mind? It is conceivable that you could grow and mature to the point of becoming the perfect man and husband (well, you know what I mean), and it could STILL be that your wife wouldn't love you. Know why? Because how she feels does not depend on how you act! Now, I know that Harley's Love Bank principal would at first seem to conflict with this idea, but it reallys doesn't. vb_guy, we can not "make" people love us or not love us by our behavior. We can certainly increase good feelings by meeting ENs and decrease good feelings by LBing, but it is conceivable that our spouses may not love us no matter HOW we act, because of issues and problems that are their own--totally independent of us.<p>Now, they DO probably say, "Well, you did XYZ and that made me do ABC..." and we take that to mean that if we stop doing XYZ they will love us again. The part we (you and I) are forgetting about is that our spouses may not love us because THEY are avoiding a lesson they need to learn or because THEY are not facing their own demons. Do you see what I mean? I'm not blaming them here, but rather, I am trying to point out that we are not in control of how another person feels about us, AND WE WILL NEVER BE IN CONTROL OF HOW ANOTHER PERSON FEELS!<p>So, vb_guy, you may take my advice and face your demons, but that may not necessarily save your marriage--but it will save YOU. When a spouse leaves, you loose a LOT of your identity. When my H left me, my identity was first his wife and life partner, secondly a mother, third a very strong business partner, and finally very little of myself. After he left me for another woman, I was no longer his wife and and no longer his business partner!! I knew how to be a mother, but what was left?? Who was I--just me, by myself?? This is what you can discover when you face your demons...who you are and what your OWN identity is. So you can see, this all comes full circle. <p>My friend, while you are on this break, take some time to rejuvenate and think about what I have said, and then, when you are back up and online, let me know what you thought. Okay? You are not alone. {{{{{{{{{{vb_guy}}}}}}}}}}<p>
CJ<p>[ October 28, 2001: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</p>

Ok VB_Guy, Now is the time to let go just a bit. You need to mentally move on. You seem so down yet if you allow yourself some time you will start to feel better. I have not followed all of your posts but we are going through very similar times. But I said goodbye some time ago, a say goodbye more and more every day. It seems that now I'm feeling much better. Maybe I'm to blame a bit for my failed marriage, but I needed to move on, no chance in saving the marriage at this time, maybe never and that’s OK now as well. I still have my three boys and they have me. I am only focusing on the positive. You need to do that as well. Listen no matter what I say your still going to be in this funk but you are young and this chapter need to be closed now and your new and better one must now be written, to. two, too.

Hi Beerman,<p>I hope that pc is up and working for you soon....just wanted to say that I agreed with CJ's post, and that i just didn't have the right words for it. We are really thinkin' of ya, mate, and want only the best for you! Give the puppies a big hug for me.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Hey... yes, I realized who you were referring to... CJ's post was awesome... give it some thought. We care about you! (wow, my first time on D/D... scary)<p>Debbie