My H's birthday is coming up and I want to ask what would you do in my shoes? <p>I told him last Monday that I cannot stay with him unless he goes to the veteran center for counselling and subsequent disability benefits (for ptsd which he's never been treated). He said to give him a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if that meant a couple of weeks to find a place to live, a couple of weeks to think about it, a couple of weeks for this to blow over and go back to status quo (not!). What preceded this discussion was a blowout over his gun. <p>I visited the veteran center on October 5th to inquire about benefits. As we talked, the counsellor asked if there's a gun in the house. I said yes. She told me in no uncertain terms to get rid of it. It's now in a locked chest in an undisclosed location, and the key is at the veteran center. <p>After a couple of weeks, H noticed the gun was missing. He confronted me. I told him I followed advice I was given, and he will have to talk to the counsellor at the center to get it back. He went ballistic. I violated his constitutional rights. He didn't get due process. He's never threatened me or hit me. He's not a mean guy. I disagreed with the mean guy statement. I told him there's a lot more ways of being mean than by hitting people. <p>He ranted some more. Then he said he would be dead by his birthday. He didn't say he'd kill himself. He just said he would be dead, as if a meteorite is going to land on his head in the next few days. Personally, I think it's a scare tactic. Words he says in anger have never matched his actions in the 15 years I've known him. <p>Back when things were better, he would never say what he wants for his birthday when I asked. He would say that he wants it to be just like any other day. Yesterday, he insulted me in front of a friend when he said that I never pay attention to anything. (I failed to remember information from a show that we supposed watched together.) Today I told H that I didn't appreciate his comment. I told him I don't take interest in all the same things he does. Failing to remember something from tv does not equate to "never paying attention to anything." Is this a good time to mention that my birthday came and went without him remembering? <p>I am inclined to honor his wish that his birthday be like any other day. What would you do?

Lonesome,<p>I think I would get him something, but not make a big issue of it. Just a small gift and a kiss. With a Happy Birthday.<p>I know that whenever I am asked "What do you want for your birthday" and I say "Nothing" that is exactly what I get....and silly me gets hurt.<p>One of those stupid things I do, hoping than my H will take the time to THINK of a gift for me, not rely on me to TELL him what I want.<p>Anyways I digress here.<p>-Kat-

How old will he be?
How long has it been since he came back from war, or his most traumatic incident. . .
Has anything in his past life happened to people he respected or knew at this age?<p>H's faulty logic: if he seriously has said that he will be dead by his birthday, somewhere he thinks that, and if he doesn't have his birthday, he doesn't have to face that fear. . . irrational or not. So i would honor his wish. . . . and never bring up H birthdays or your birthday again, unless he brings it up.<p>I once believed that I would never live past 30, and it was because I worked ina dangerous industry, and i had friends at college who died on the job, as well as stories from survivors, and lots of near accidents, that made a very huge impression, and i came very close once to being in a fireball, that i understand the thought process, and possibly, if you don't mention it, he won't feel cursed, but eventually he will accept that he
might actually live.<p>However, i suggest( as you well know) that you can't make him go to therapy, but you can make him well physically by cooking him/feeding him as well as possible, give him hisvitamins, and getting him to walk or exercise with you as much as possible. exercise will help his whole body and part of his mentality, but it will take time and effort to convince (i realize you are between a rock and a hard place.) i don't know his physical condition, but did he ever play sports? can he bond with any veterans by playing softball?
good luck<p>these are just suggestions from my experiences.
your experiences may vary tremendously and not even resemble mine.<p>WIFTTy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know that whenever I am asked "What do you want for your birthday" and I say "Nothing" that is exactly what I get....and silly me gets hurt.<hr></blockquote><p>My Mom responds the same way you do. Of course, I would never dream of doing nothing for my Mom on her birthday. She's easy to please and graciously receives whatever gift I give her. H, on the other hand, is not gracious. We were separated last Christmas. I followed the suggestion you just gave. He needed a new mouse for his computer, so I gave him one for Christmas. To this day it sits in its box unopened. When my H says he doesn't want anything, I daresay he means it.<p>WIFFTy,
thank you so much for your reply. I think having near death experiences are a major factor in his "dead by his birthday" comment. I kinda wonder if he thinks he's having a near death experience when he's having an overload in the stress department? I dunno. He was in Vietnam '69-'71. His time there ended when he was the sole survivor of a helicoptor crash. Then he had a close call with Mt. St. Helens in '80. He'll be 55 on Thursday. His parents divorced after the kids were grown. His mom remarried a younger man, but he had a fatal heart attack at age 55. <p>I don't know if H really and truly thinks something is going to happen to him. Personally, I think it's a scare tactic. My H is so unusual that I'm not ruling out the meteorite. <p>I'm inclined to agree with your advice WIFFTTy, but now there's a new twist. Some friends want to bake a cake and bring it over. I don't want to interfere with any friend reaching out to my H. H needs all the friends he can get. My lovebank is so far into red that it cannot be measured. I have no interest in making deposits in his lovebank, but I'd also like to avoid making any withdrawals that day. How can I be neutral?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He'll be 55 on Thursday. His parents divorced after the kids were grown. His mom remarried a younger man, but he had a fatal heart attack at age 55. <hr></blockquote><p>What happened to his dad?
The sudden death could be a factor. . . <p>I think you should listen to him as an act of love, as that is what he wants, not what you want. . . did he tell you to tell friends not to come?<p>Unless he did, i think you should let the friends come over, and you didn't know anything about it. then guage his reaction, and you will know for the future, if that makes any difference. . .<p>your life will be difficult unless he gets help, and if he won't there isn't much you can do for him, except to give him what he wants.<p>good luck,
but i suggest following his advice. . . .as an act of love, nothing more, nothing less. . . .<p>good luck
WIFTTy

His dad died from diabetes about 10 years ago. We had a good relationship with MIL and her 2nd H. When the 2nd H died from the heart attack, it affected us deeply. MIL died 13 months later unexpectedly. <p>I'll try to have a civilized discussion with him about Thursday. If he shows interest in friends visiting, I'll participate. If not, we'll resume the discussion that started last week when I told him I cannot stay with him unless he goes to the veteran center for help. He said "give me a couple of weeks," whatever that means. One week is already gone.