Hello everyone. I hope you all had wonderful weekends. I sure did. I feel I am really coming to terms with what I want and handling my husband and I feel very good.<p>Now the really nice part. After months of trying everything to make this marriage work, I suddenly don't think I want to. Actually the feeling isn't that sudden, the more I focus on me I feel less inclined to try to make us work.<p>My WH has always had so many problems, he is an adult survivor of an extremely abusive childhood and he is an alcholic who seems to suffer from boughts of depression. When he left me he was deeply involved in an EA, which I knew nothing about, and he told me he wasn't happy, didn't think he loved me, etc., etc. <p>That was nine months ago. In that time I have done a lot of soul searching. I have come to terms with my mistakes in our relationship and done everything I could to apologize and make up for them. In the process I feel I am becoming such a better person and I really am happy for the first time in a long time. <p>In that same time his EA has become P, he has done nothing to comes to terms with anything in his life, he drinks just as much as ever, seems to be depressed, and says he hates his life.<p>This past week he didn't get to see our oldest children because he worked nights. All week long when I talked to him he stressed how much he missed the kids and had no money. On Thursday he asked if he could pick the kids up for school so that he could see them. I told him definately. He told the kids and they were so excited. What happened? He didn't show. Later that day he left a message on the answering machine saying he had to work late and didn't get enough sleep. He ended up having the weekend off but instead of seeing the kids he supposedly missed so much and staying home and saving the money he claims to not have he took off and went to see the OW who lives three hours away. I don't know, it just really dawned on me how screwed up he is. His priorities are all mixed up and he's totally irresponsible. All he does is hurt the kids and I. Furthermore, I faced the fact that he always comes first and I'm sick of dealing with it. Therefor, I don't know if it's plan B or not, but I'm just moving on. I'm going to work on sheltering the kids so they aren't hurt when he blows them off, but as far as wanting my H back, I don't and truthfully I haven't for a long time. Sure I want the great person he can be, but that's not him and until he gets the help he needs it won't be him and I deserve better.<p>I don't know, I feel very bad for the kids because I know they are hurting and want their Daddy back, but I feel at peace with myself and in the long run that is what they really need, a mom who is happy and at her best for them. I am letting go and trusting God and it is working. They say that we don't always want what is best for us and I think that although I still love my H, he isn't good for me. Maybe someday my H will realize what he's doing and if it's meant to be it will happen and things will work for us, but for now it's not and I'm willing to trust that.<p>Thanks for letting me vent!<p>K

K,
I've been thinking about the "letter" I said that I would write, all weekend. I came here to check the survey and saw your post.<p>I think that there is a time where you have to "let go" of the problems that "belong" to your husband. I know that the Harleys say that substance abuse and other kinds of abuse, change the rules. There are some articals on this in the artical section of this sight.<p>The one thing you can do (and I CAN do) is to NOT be part of the problem. Every time I feel myself being "sucked in" I think about how she needs me to FUEL her anger. she needs someone else to be angry with so she will have someone else to blame.
Now that I understand this, it's easier for me. I don't mean that I'm going to let her run over me, take advantage of me. I just mean that I'm going to do everything I can to seperate the money issue from the Mother/Daughter relationship.<p>I can see that seperating the issue of "priorities" is so much more complicated in your case. I'm sure he DOES miss the kids, but they remind him what a mess he is making of their lives. He then goes to OG for his feel good "fix".
She is at college where drinking is worse that anywhere else in our society. She may not have any idea that he has a real problem. She may even think that she will "fix" him, But likely she doesn't know.<p>I know you are moving on and that is likely a good thing, but think hard about rushing the divorce. Harley says that these affairs take time to fall apart. So if you can, slow the process down, well, think about it.
Actually, K, this is an area that I wish you could talk to the Harleys about. I know that you don't want him back the way things are and the Harleys would say the same. You said once that he needs to hit bottom in order to get help. I sure agree. <p>OK I have to go. I'll be back so write. It helps
us both. If you ever want to E-Mail me please do . cschultr@home.com

Hi Marry -<p>Thanks for responding. You have a lot of good points. This whole alchohol issue combined with the affair makes it very difficult. I saw my H last night. I guess I'm not really into Plan B. I haven't cut off contact, so I guess I'm more Plan A. More than anything I think I'm following a lot of the Al-Anon ideas. I've been reading some of their books and I see my H and I in so many areas. I always knew he had a problem, but while he was at home in addition to mishandling it, I found myself hoping that it wasn't really true and hoping it would go away. Now that he's away from home I see things so much more clearly. I am really trying to detatch my feelings for him from the disease, it has been difficult, but it is becoming more of a habit and therefor getting easier. It's weird, I'm looking so much more at me and I like the results. I am not excusing his actions but I am understanding them more.<p>I agree with what you said about his guilt and the kids. I also agree he needs to see the OG for his feel good fix. From what he has said about her she doesn't drink much so I have a feeling when he's with her he doesn't either. Knowing him the way I do, I know he needs her to keep him going so I doubt he is showing his true colors. This is easier for him to do since she's far away, it really doesn't take much for him to refrain from drinking for the weekends when he's with her. I know to that this can't go on forever, but for now it's working for him. In that regard I feel sorry for her because I don't think she has a clue how bad this disease is and what she's gotten herself into. <p>As for the divorce, although I filed I am in no hurry. He on the other hand wants it pushed through quickly, but so far we haven't moved any further in the process. Right now I am taking it one day at a time, concentrating on myself and the kids, and detatching from his problems. I am also relizing how much I have and still do enable him. They say that after living with an alcoholic that many spouses lose their identities as they become obsessed with handling their spouses problems. This was very much me. As I stop doing this he is getting upset, but I am handling him calmly. I've got more to say but the baby is fusssing. I'll get back to you later.<p>K

If your kids are old enough, have them check out an Al-A-Teen program. Even if you do divorce, your kids will always be stuck with an alcoholic dad, and need some extra support since he won't be one of those "Disney" dads.<p>You've read Harley's Q&A's on alcoholic spouses, right?

Thanks MtA-<p>Thanks for responding. My kids are still very young. That is the hardest part out of all of this. They know that their Dad drinks and when he still lived with us they saw the results, but right now are pretty sheltered from it. I know however that they eventually will be faced with it so I want to be prepared so that I can help them deal with it also. Yes I have read the Harley's stuff on this topic.<p>Thanks again,
K

K,
Boy, have YOU got your head on! You are a fast learner. Even though I don't think that I'm dealing with alchol, the enableing process is the same and a hard one to break. I also wanted to "protect" and have since found out that word also can mean "enable". I'm old enough to be your mother and I'm learning this right along with you.
I have to say that you really HAVE grown, even in the short time I have been reading your posts. You have reason to be happy with your progress. You have also helped me. It's a powerful thing to write this down and clarify the thoughts in your head.<p>He will show his true cotors eventually. This is a long process and will not be over soon. You are "handeling him calmly".I love that, it will be my new phrase-Handeling_________calmly. Funny how something will stand out.<p>The

Hi Marry and anyone else who cares to read -<p>I thought I'd give a little more insight to what has been going on. Monday night my H came over to take the older kids to a Halloween party. I was supposed to go but the baby was fussy so I stayed home. Things were fine, especially considering he had spent the weekend up in college town with the OG. When he returned he was real friendly and talkative. He even tried fixing an outside light which I asked him to look at a month ago. I thanked him for his help and said that I was sure the kids had really enjoyed being with him. He then said he needed me to work with him about some work schedule changes. This weekend is his with the kids and because of his wining and dining OG this past weekend when he was supposed to work he needs to work because he is broke. He said he would take the kids part of the weekend but bring them back early so he could work Sunday. He said he'd make it up the following weekend by getting a day off. I said I thought we could work it out. He then says that the following weekend is opening weekend of deer season and since he'd be taking the kids the prior weekend when he's not supposed to that he could then have his scheduled weekend with them off to hunt. I told him I would work with him, but that I already have plans for opening weekend. At that he yells, "Fine, so much for working with you!" and walks out slamming the door not leaving me time to reply. He didn't even say goodbye to the kids. He's just so manipulative. He obviously spent a lot of time figuring out how he could get the situation to work for him, both financially and time off wise. He tried to pass it off as us working to help eachother, but gave no regard for my needs at all and then got mad when I said I had plans. Anyway, I left it at that and did nothing.<p>Last night he showed up to get the kids. He was all nice again. He told me he was going to have to work this Sunday no matter what and that I was going to have to deal with it. He then said that he was going to work next weekend, but would pick the kids up around noon next Sunday to make up for the loss of time this weekend. In a tone that he used to always use to get his way by making me feel guilty he then proceeded to say that he just wouldn't hunt this year. I said nothing. He then proceeded to bring up a lot of things that I know he hoped would start a fight, but I didn't. I could tell this bothered him. I told him that if he was trying to start an arguement that I wasn't going to so he was wasting his time. He then started complaining about a bunch of stuff in our temporary court order, all of which he said he wanted. When he had said the stuff at the hearing I had figured it was to kiss up, but it backfired and now he's mad. Anyway, I told him he had to live his life, but that I was really getting sick of his lack of responsibility where the kids were concerned. I told him that he always has an excuse and is always blaming someone else for his problems and that it was fine and I could live with that except when it came to the kids.<p>He then brought up the fact that the baby isn't his (she is, no doubts). When his affair was first exposed he immediately claimed to have received an anonymous phone call saying I was pregnant with someone else's baby. He continued these accusations throughout the pregnancy. I know now that when a spouse is cheating they often accuse their spouse of doing the same to try to releave guilt, etc. Anyway, after she was born he dropped it until last night. I'm sure it was because he was mad and wasn't getting to me any other way. I just looked and him and calmly said that if it helped him appease his guilt to say that stuff that was his problem, but that he knew she was his. He said said he had no guilt, but that he didn't know anything, but it wouldn't change the way he treated her. I said that as long as he held it over my head it would effect the way he treated her. I said that because of it that I will not divorce him until her paternity is proven because then he won't be able to deny it or use it to hurt me. He then went off the handle again and said how I say I've changed but I haven't and left. When he brought the kids back he was all nice again. I swear, if he could only see how screwed up he is and how much the guilt is getting to him.<p>I guess I don't know what I'm thinking. Over the course of our separation I have done some dumb but harmless things that I now regret - prank phone calls, letters, and e-mails. I have denied most of them because I didn't want to admit it. Anyway, they are in the past. I have really changed and no longer even have the urge to do it. You know, Let go and let God, etc. Last night he brought this stuff up. It really is all he has on me. So do I confess to it so he can't hold it against me? I really have changed, furthermore, he is using these rather insignificant things to claim I'm a liar and then throw in the fact of the paternity. Suggestions?<p>I know a great part of what he is doing is out of guilt. In the past I would have gotten in a fight with him which would have transferred some of his guilt to me. I am no longer doing this. On top of it he wasn't able to manipulate me and get his way so I know that this makes him angry too. Al-Anon says that we enable alchoholics in many ways other than just drinking. I know I have done this and am changing in order to help myself. All of these changes are rocking the boat so now he is challenging if I have really changed hoping that I really haven't, but I have.<p>Thanks for listening,<p>K

I am really sorry for the pain you have been going through. I've been having a rough day, as I try to come to terms with the reality that I think I do need to divorce my H. He changed from one OW to a new OG (almost half his age). His drinking is now a problem, where before it was occasional and social. He blames me for everything and, after a talking to from his father, he came back and is gentlemanly, he will not give up the OG. In the last month (since all of this has come out), I have also been learning more about his past, and the horrible examples he learned from his mother (he would have to drive her to bars to meet with other men, she would do things with the kids and say "don't tell your father"). When we first got married, things were okay. Come January, they (HE) started changing.<p>Your language about enabling, though, hits home and is where I think I need to start. How do you keep going, though, while the OG is still such a large part of the picture, and is the one he publically defends amidst your friends, and with whom he spends his time at the functions you used to go to as a couple? I also strongly related to the comments about the H doing things that benefit him, though rarely to support the marriage.
I am fortunate that his friends won't tolerate what he's doing. At the same time, it forces him to cling to the OG for his "fix", like you said. I am moving on...but will that change the family dynamics enough to get my H back? I don't want the H I'm married to now (by ANY stretch), and the bar has been radically raised, to where I don't even want him as he was when we married. <p>Thanks.<p>Met 6/18/98
Married 10/23/99
D-Day 9/14/01

K,
You really HAVE changed. He is doing every trick in the book, to push you into a fight, yet you stay calm. He is "desperate" to be mad at you. It is possible that the fire isn't so hot, he NEEDS you to "fan the flame".<p>What I find intriging is that, understanding how all this works makes it eaiser to be calm or even slient. This is a great example of the phrase "knowledge is power".<p>Do you tell about the things you have done that you aren't so proud of? Well, if he would let you explain the "concept of total honesty", or even read it, then maybe. It would be a way of taking responsibility for YOUR part. You could not expect him to do the same though. You could only TEACH by EXAMPLE.<p>Your last paragraph is truly worth printing out. It is a solid statement of where you ARE.<p>
Do I stay or do I go,<p>If you have a chance to do so. Do a search on the posts of Still Reeling. She has walked your walk and reading this will help you see the progress and thought process she has been going through.<p>Stay and talk with us. My experience is totally different than yours but the process of handling it are so much the same.<p>Came back and talk.

Hi Marry and Do I Stay or Do I Go-<p>Marry-<p>Thanks once again for the insights. I'm not sure what is going on or what I want to tell him. The one thing that I am certain about though is the paternity testing. He can take as many low blows at me as he likes but I will not tolerate anything where the kids are concerned. This baby is his, she is absolutely beautiful and I am demanding the paternity test to settle this once and for all.<p>Last night H came over and we went trick or treating. Everything was very nice, other than the fact that he left when we were done you would have never known we weren't a happy family. That makes it hard because it feels so natural. Our oldest went trick or treating with a friend. The plans were very last minute. Her D was upset, he said to her, "I can't believe you knew I was coming and chose to go with a friend. We always trick or treat together as a family. You remember that for next year o.k." What's up with that? Does he forget that he's the one trying to speed this divorce through. Happy family outings don't usually happen after divorce. He is very confused. He was all over the baby, probably guilt for what he had done the night before, but that will be cleared up with the P test. <p>I don't know what will happen, but I'm sticking to my guns. I am a better person irregardless of the outcome.<p>DISoDIG-<p>Welcome. I understand the pain you are going through and share many of the same feelings. I highly recommend reading everything on this sight and I also highly recommend Al-Anon. I know what you mean about not knowing who your husband has become or wanting this person. Remember an affair puts them in a fog and a drinking problem complicates even further. Do the reading, attend some meetings and take care of you. I have been separated for nine months and it has been an ongoing process. I can honestly say that noithing has really changed as far as getting my H back, but I have really changed for the better. I know that only God knows what will happen and have finally withinthe last month learned to really let go. As far as the OG is concerned, I know it hurts that he is with her, loving her, and supporting her. Remember that even though he is doing this it doesn't make you any less of a person. He's in a fog, he's making the mistakes, he's not thinking clearly. As hard as it is try not to let it get to you. Take care and keep in touch.<p>Marry - How are things with your D?<p>K<p>PS- Keep us in your prayers. My Dad isn't doing well at all. As hard as it is, we may have to accept that we are losing him.

K
I'm so sorry to hear about how badly your Dad is doing. You are going through enough right now. I do hope that he gets better. My parents are 85 and have recovered from cancer, and are still very active. They have said that they have seen many of their friends on the brink of death, then come back. I do pray that this is the case with you.
Is/was your H close with your Dad? I ask because sometimes when ones own parents aren't so great, the spouse will hook up with the parent-in-law for a role model. Would your H be willing to be involved in the process of visiting with your Dad?
Sometimes lives change when tramaic family events occure. Just a thought.<p>He KNOWS this IS HIS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This stuff is just his way of saying "I WISH you would make a mistake so I won't look so bad". The stories a classic and the laugh is that they THINK they are unique. FOG TALK --- He is not proud of his life and is too pride full or maybe just does not know how to turn it around. He doesn't want to appear to have given in. <p>I think he enjoyed last night with the "family". He just does not have enough self awareness to know what to ask himself what he wants. He does know that he wants to "feel good", so do the rest of us.<p>He KNOWS this is his baby K. Yes I would have the P test but I wouldn't even be suprised if he never mentions it again, unless he is drinking--rules change.<p>We don't hear for D, that says more than she knows. Her Dad called her and asked to see her this weeking for lunch. He tries to keep in touch. We don't want her to get to far from the reality that she is connected to a family who loves her. She NEVER calls, so sad and is telling.<p>He knows, everytime I think about it I have to write it. He is pretty transparent, this baby is his and he was loving it last night!<p>You are in a good place with YOU, that's the bottom line, and the place to be.

Hi Marry-<p>Thanks for your prayers for my Dad. He is very weak and something just seems to have changed about him this week. He goes in for chemo tomorrow. He hasn't been able to have it for two weeks because he's been losing weight and isn't strong enough. My mom fears going tomorrow thinking that they'll tell them the end is near. It is very hard. My H and my dad were never super close, but they always got along. I know this has been wearing on my H. When my dad was first diagnosed in April my H said to me, "Well, I hope you don't think this will guilt me into coming back." I know he has regretted those words. I also know that he figgured it was nothing serious. I think at the time everyone couldn't believe my health nut father had lung cancer and just figured he'd beat it. My H hasn't seen my dad a lot but is visibly shaken when he does. I need him to come visit so at least he can make peace with it.<p>I know he had fun last night. We are his family and she can't give him that. Tonight our oldest was mad at her brother. Dad tried to intervene and really got pounced on before getting the cold shoulder. When I got there he said, "Boy, she really hates me doesn't she?" I told him that actually she really loves him but is very angry and since she can't tell him what she's really angry about she takes it out in other ways. I think he wants his family and we want him, but I really don't know if we'll ever figure out how to get it. Who knows, I've been wrong before.<p>As for the baby, I know he knows she's his. She looks exactly like her siblings. I know it is guilt talking. This summer before she was born he told me once that he hoped the baby wouldn't be his because then he could justify what he had done and wouldn't feel guilty. Nice huh? Anyway the P test will put an end to it once and for all so I'm having it done to put it to rest.<p>I'm sorry to hear that you haven't heard from your daughter. That must be very hard on you. I wish there was some magic solution for us all that could fix our problems. However I agree with you that we have both come a long way. We are on solid ground and even if our outcomes aren't what we want, we will handle it. Also remember that your daughter has to realize the changes in you. When she's ready she'll turn to you and it will probably be when you least expect it.<p>Take care,<p>K

K
I asked about your H relationship with your father because I know that many people just don't know what to do in times of illness and possible death. My hope and prayer for you H is that he find the strength to see your father. Sometimes people just need to be asked, like in "could you please help me through this".Almost the same way you asked him to help you with the car. I could see that his own guilt could keep him away.
This is such a troubling time for you in so many ways. You need someone to be there for YOU.<p>I thought that you did well with the "she hats me". Do you think that he understood what you were saying about your daughters behaivor? You certainly explained it as it truly is. <p>This IS HIS FAMILY! I believe he loves his kids. Don't listen to some of the "stupid" things he says. Like you said, he regrets it. He may have more regrets that you know. <p>I know that you aren't sure you want him back and I believe this is a good place to be. You certainly don't want him back with the drinking. Realizing this does put you in a stronger position and that is healthy.<p>Let me know how your weekend goes.<p>We may see our D. Like you, I am in a better place in my head. Unlike you, this isn't my H and I don't have four babys to raise. I don't have to deal with the dynamics of the whole family every day. I DO know this is hard and I have so much respect for the growth you have made, and the pain you are in. <p>I hope that you have friends who can hug you daily.
((((((((((((((((((((K))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hi Marry-<p>Well, yesterday was our oldest's ninth birthday. she had a party at the movie theater. Dad came to o. So here we are after doing nothing together for three months now spending two family nights. We had a nice time, but it was also hard. It is hard because when things go well it makes you wonder even more why we can't even try.<p>It is his weekend for the kids so after the movie he took the middle two. This morning he came and got the oldest. I told him that tonight he'd have the baby too and things went down hill from there. He asked why I didn't tell him that I had plans. I reminded him that it was my free weekend and furthermore he never gave me a chance. His brother is up so I guess he was hoping to drop the kids off at bedtime so that he could go do something. <p>He then proceeded to complain about his living arrangements and how he couldn't afford anything because I was robbing him blind with child support, etc. I calmy reminded him that the child support payment is a set percentage of his total earnings. He then went on to complain that his overtime is his and shouldn't be included, etc. He said if the judge didn't change it in the final settlement that he'd get fired and he didn't care what happened because at least he'd show me. He says it isn't fair that just because he doesn't want to be married that I shouldn't be able to ruin him, etc. The whole conversation was full of self pity and total unacceptance of any consequences for his actions (total textbook affair and alcoholism reactions). <p>I'm not sure what's up with him. This whole week he has tried to provoke me by bringing up things that he hasn't in months and he really hits below the belt. Who knows, maybe the realities of life are sinking in and in his typical reaction he is lashing out in an effort to deny responsibility hoping in turn to provoke me into an arguement so that he could transfer his anger and guilt. I just calmly told him that I was sorry he felt the way he did but that he knew this wasn't going to be easy and that with the kids involved it is an even more complicated situation. I also told him that life is about choices and for every choice we make there are consequences.<p>The thing that bothers me the most is that he always tries to pass things off like he wants to work together for both of our benefits when in fact his motives are always totally self serving. When he doesn't get his way he can't handle it and he lashes out.<p>I talked to my lawyer about the paternity test and she said that I can't force him to do it, but she sent a letter to his attorney stating that since he is once again making it an issue that we want it tested before we even think about coming up with a divorce settlement. Now we get to wait for his response. I'm sure he'll refuse it because he knows she's his so then it would be proven and he couldn't use it to harrass me and it will also slow the divorce down.<p>All I can say that this is going to get a lot messier before it gets better, but at least I am at a good place myself and far better prepared to handle whatever he throws at me than I was before. In a perfect world this would make him hit bottom and realize what he's doing, but only God really knows why this has to be so I'm letting it go and focusing on me.<p>Take care,<p>K

K
I'm so sorry this all went "south" after having some good family time together. He DOES NEED to blame you and I know how that hurts.
This weekend we went to a car show. We had never gone to one before and decided to invite our D.
She was so "in the know" about certain cars. So I asked her who she knew who had THAT car.She smiled and said "No one you know". So I said "when did Paul get this car". She said "not long ago".
She could not weight to tell me, in her own way, that she is still in contact-seeing him. She wants me to know so BAD. Now why? can you tell me why, after I have told her that "it doesn't matter, I still love her", she WANTS me to know that she is still seeing him?
I don't know why they do the things they do, but I can tell you that I've had it. I've had the disrespect and blame. I think that this is just her life style. If it weren't him it would be someone else.
I won't give her cause to use me for her anger needs, but I have little left for her.<p>All this to say, I don't know how you do it. I don't blame you for not wanting him back the way he is. I think you're stronger than I am and you have so much more to handle. <p>I hope that you didn't let him get away with not having the baby, but to be honest I have no reason to say anything if you did. I'm empty! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Marry-<p>Sorry to hear about your D. Just a thought, but maybe she brought up the OM to push you and test you to see if you really to love her in spight of it. I think you're right in everything you are doing. I also am happy that you're not accepting the blanme she tries to place on you. What progress!<p>As for my H, this past week was a roller coaster of either wonderful or horrible encounters. All I know is that I think I am seeing him clearly for the first time in years. I don't care if it is the fog of the affair or of alcohol, he is being horrible to me. In our relationship he always took more than he gave. As I rediscover myself I am accepting that I want and deserve more than he has ever given me. It is time to focus on me for a change. If he wises up and wants to work on things maybe we can, but I'm sick of the person he has become so right now I'm done.<p>Hang in there. Only God truly knows what will happen. Focus on the good things and remember that I'm always here.<p>K

Marry-<p>How are you? I haven't heard from you in a couple of days and the last time I did you were really down. Get in touch with me please.<p>K

K,
I havent been able to get on line because my Mom has been in the hospital. She is OK now, but at 88yrs I felt I needed to stay close to her. My Dad is in good health and of course was there too, but I haven't been home. She is home now and getting ready for another trip, leaving tomorrow!<p>I went to Al-anon last night and got another slap. I refer to inlightenment as a "slap" because I feel that I need a SLAP to "get it". There is a lot of reference to "your higher power". I learned last night that My daughter is my higher power. I let her rule my life. If things are not going well "I'm down", if she calls and it's going great "I'm up". I have just about ruined my marriage and at times taken my anger out on my 12yr old son, who needs my love and understanding more that ever.<p>These things are hard to admit and even harder to write, but it helps me to write it down and I believe you understand this thinking. I'm way too emashed in her life. I, more than ever, that I have to give this MM thing over to the "real higher power". I know what I have to do and my resolve is clear. <p>I have made many positive stepts and will continue to do so. I think you understand how hard but how necessary it is to "let go". <p>So, enough of that. Please tell me how you are doing. I came here tonight thinking you might have writen something and was glad to hear from you. I want an undate, including datails [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Marry-<p>I'm glad to hear that your mother is doing better. I understand fully what it's like to spend all that time up at the hospital.<p>I think you have made an awesome discovery about how much your daughter has come to rule your world. As I go through all this I see how my husband ruled mine. I too based almost everything on him. If he was doing poorly so was I, if he was good so was I yet I was always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Don't be too hard on yourself though. You do what you do to survive. Knowledge is power and now that you know you are changing. So am I.<p>As for things with me. Although I really have always wanted my marriage to work, I am admitting to myself that at this time I don't think it is possible. We are at very different places right now. Although I still love him, I am realizing just how much he was and is unable to give me and I deserve more than that. It is more than just the drinking. As I am away from him and rediscovering myself I am able to see things more clearly. I know he has deep rooted issues which he is not and may never be able to deal with. The result is a grown man acting very much like a teenager and accepting no responsibility and playing the victim to a tee. <p>Last night I had conferences so I worked until 8:00. He had all 4 kids. The baby once again screamed. I don't know what to do, I hate to put her through it, but they need to bond. Anyway when I got home he promplty told me how rough his night had been. He then told me the things he had done around the house. He needs sympathy for everything and he also needs acknowledgement. I reinforced the idea that he needs to get to know his daughter better so that they can both relax and thanked him for the stuff he had done. It was very minor, he straightened up, loaded and started the dishwasher, yet he seems to need the praise. I don't know, he just seems so incapable of giving anything to anyone. That includes his kids. He seems oblivious to their feelings and needs. As a result they are leaning on me more than ever.<p>I am in the process of writing a letter cutting his apron strings. He needs to handle his parental responsibilities on his own and somewhere other than our home. Who knows, maybe it may push him closer to getting a grip and maybe not, but at least it will give me a break.<p>I really am letting go. I can see that this bothers him, but I guess that's a good thing. I realize now that I always handled things for him. Although he grew to resent it, he also depends on it to this day. If he wants to be on his own, he needs to do that. Al-Anon has taught me that.<p>Neither you nor I know what will happen with your D or my H, only God does. I have to trust him. I finally have realized that I can change only me. It has been a hard lesson for me, but now that I have accepted it I feel at peace.<p>Take care and write back.<p>K