i have posted on here before..and right now i just need to talk..i'm so scared..i dont know what to do.. a few weeks ago i posted about how hubby had yelled out of control at our 10 mo old baby...it happened again tonight...it was bed time and i was getting things in the kitchen done and i asked him to get the baby ready for bed because he was getting fussy...and he acted like i asked him for the moon!! but what happened was unforgivable!!he was getting mad at the baby because he wouldnt hold still to get changed..{he will be a year old soon and active} hubby was trying to watch tv and change him and he was getting upset with the baby..would someone please tell me how can you yell at a 11 mo baby to "shut up" and then the way he was trying to get his clothes on..he was being rough with him!!!god how i hate him right now!!i ran in and picked the baby up and told hubby.."he is just a baby!!can you not remember that!!" the look he gave me... i just backed away and went into the baby's room to calm the baby down and hold him....i am so very scared...i dont know what to do.. i never thought hubby could get the way he has been...but lately i just dont know...i really needed to talk to someone tonight.. i quess that is why i came in here.. i needed to get this off my chest..thanks for listening..<P>------------------<BR>JLK19

JLK19-<P>I don't think your H's behavior is normal or ok. As a victim of child abuse I know the damage that can be done. Please get help. I suggest you begin by seeing a counselor/therapist. I think you need professional advice on how to deal with this situation. <P>If you cannot go to counseling I suggest you tell your husband you are afraid. He may be in denial about his behavior. It's hard to say what kind of response you'll get. If your H is sympathetic to you, try to convince him to see a counselor. Does your H drink or do drugs? If so, urge him to join AA. Alcoholics Anonymous is free. <P>You've taken the first step by posting. I hope and pray that you and your baby are ok.<BR>My thoughts are with you.<P>Myra<BR>

Having seen many dead children in my career as a result of child abuse, I will tell you that I am concerned! Get help, he should never be around the child, ih he won't seek help, leave him. Or would you rather visit your child in the hospital as he lays in bed broken? Or dead. Protect the child before anything more happens!<P>------------------<BR>

I am new at this so bear with me. I read your post, and I feel for you. Did you talk to your H about your feelings and the situation? Has he been abusive to you? I know with a baby things can get tense real easy, but he needs to learn to walk away. There are to many things that can happen when we are angry. I think counseling would be a good idea for both of you. You can express openly your fears and there is someone there other than your spouse listening. I know when my daughter was 10 months old, my H and I were both pulling our hair out. She would never sleep, just cry. I knew if I was getting real frustrated it was time to walk away for a minute.

JLK19,<BR>This is Molly,<BR>I just read your post, then did a search and read your prior posts.<BR>First, About the baby, you need to make sure at the present time and in the immediate future your husband is not in the position to lose control while dealing with the baby. I'm not saying leave him. What I am saying (referring to your last described situation)is temporarily remove your child from harms way.<BR>When bedtime arrives ask him nicely for help in the kitchen. Then you go handle the fussy baby. I know that sounds simple but it would have defused a bad situation right from the start. You sounded , while describing what happened as if you were very tense yourself and harried. Add to that a fussy baby and you have a volitile situation.<BR> I remember what it was like when my children were babies (holy cow, it's a miracle I survived with any marriage at all)<BR>Kids can be a real trial and they sense trouble. They know something is wrong, you know something is wrong.<BR>Right now YOU need to calm down and get yourself together. Fear will only make this worse. When Daddy is yelling and Mommy is so tense and hurting so bad she doesn't know what to do, then baby is only going to get fussier, and your only going to get more confused and scared and Hubby is going to defend himself the only way he can right now, get madder.<BR>Try this. Next time your in a situation where you need his help with the baby, instead of asking him to do it for you, go in there and sit next to him with the baby, start playing with the baby and coax him to join the game of preparing for bedtime. Try it, I did and it worked like a charm. Bedtime became a time we all had fun. Daddy got to participate and mommy didn't feel so overwhelmed. Even though I did most of the work, he did mostly play. I noticed after a very short time of trying this, suddenly baby wasn't fussy anymore at bedtime and Daddy payed a whole lot more attention to the kids when he was involved. He even got so he initiated game time after awhile. My daughters 24 & 21 still cherish those times to this day.<BR>And even better than that I was not so drained. And kids can drain you faster than anything. <BR>The incident with the MRI. Please think back.<BR>Did everything you describe happen exactly that way or is that your hurt and anger talking? I'm not calling you a liar here. <BR>Let me explain.<BR>Twenty-one years ago in March I was almost 7 months pregnant with my second child. All afternoon I had this funny feeling (you know the one) I knew something was going to happen with the baby.<BR>My husband and I had been having some problems, he was drinking more than I wanted him to, (Thats another story) That evening for some reason I talked him into going out with his friends. He hadn't been out in a while (this was a very troublesome pregnancy)<BR>Anyway I talked him into going.<BR>About 11 pm that night I started hemmoraging.<BR>I was scared to death and really really pissed! I frantically called the pub where he said he would be. They would not get him to the phone. Said he wasn't there! (By the way he was! They lied, didn't beleive I was serious) After being unable to get him, I called a friend to come and drive me to the hospital.<BR>My daughter was born in the corridor of the hospital. She was two months early. My husband made it to the hospital with seconds to spare and saw the birth of our daughter.<BR>Now comes the hard part. I have for twenty-one years held that against him. He was not there when I needed him. That and many other times poisoned the way I looked at things. I never realized until very recently saw how I pushed him out. I made it so there was nothing for him to do. I talked the man into going out, knowing full well he would never have gone had I said I think there's something wrong.<BR>At the MRI, Did you say "Honey, Im really scared, I need you to go with me, I need your strength, OUR child is going in there and WE need YOU, I need you to come with me."<BR>Go back and read your posts, I might be wrong here, but did you once say OUR son? Or was it MY son.<BR>Please don't misunderstand what I'm writing here. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I don't want you to assume I'm saying it's all your fault. Of course it isn't! But please stop, take a deep breath and calm down.<BR>You say he is never there for you. Honey, you need him to be there for you RIGHT NOW. So ask Him! Tell him you need to lean on him a bit.<BR>I hope this helps some. And I sincerely hope I did not make you feel worse.<BR>About your family saying you should never have married him! What's up with that? Did you love him? I think you did. Go back and read your own words, I think you still do love him. Families are not always right and ask yourself this. " If (put here whatever it is about him you object to most)were to change tonight how would I want my marriage to be?" Do you want to be Happy? Do you want to smile? Do you want your kids to be happy? Do you want him to be happy and love you and want to spend time with you? If your honest with yourself you want all of those things, you just have not figured out how you can get there.<BR>One suggestion is change it. Simple HUH. It is simpler than you think. Put the past in the past and go from here. Smile (even though there probably isn't alot to smile about) Smile anyway! Act as if! Act as if things are great! Act as if he never yelled at the baby (I don't mean let it pass) I mean go from here. Change you. Make you happy. Picture him yelling at the baby while your tickling he/she and coaxing him to join the fun. You will be surprised how just telling yourself that what is past is past frees your heart and lets you think clearly. There's plenty of time later to talk about what came before. Maybe someday you can tell him how much it hurt you when he couldn't read your mind and know when you needed him. We do that far too often, I'm afraid. By golly, He should have known I wanted him there! Yeah, maybe he should have but sometimes they just DON'T. I don't even think they see it as insensitive like us. I think sometimes they figure WE (the Moms) have the emotional, worrying part covered. And if your anything like me, you had it covered in spades!<BR> Another thought about the MRI. I know my reactions when my children were hurt or hurting. I was VERY territorial, like a lioness protecting her cub. Remember? The child falls, daddy tries to pick baby up, the child crys harder and you rush in. "Give her/him to me!" Now think! Was your natural instinct to turn from him and comfort the child? I don't know why that is, but if you think about it most of us mothers do that. Even very happy ones. I know I have never once seen the incident happen where Mommy turned to daddy and they both hugged baby. Just a thought.<BR>This got to be alot longer than I intended and I slipped slightly into rambling. I'm sorry for that. I hope I helped a little or at the very least gave you something to read. <BR>Take care of yourself and be happy. A smile today came mean a whole new future where smiles aren't forced and he'll smile back.<BR>Please come back here when you need to talk or even when you just need someone to talk to. Chin up and smile. here's a hug {{{ }}} <BR>Molly

hi molly..thank you for your response and i thank all others who also responded...No Molly you didnt make me feel worse..At first when i read your reply i did get a little upset but then i reread and seen what a caring person you are and how you are trying to help and i do appreciate that alot.. but i would like to take the time to answer your questions and reply to some of your suggestions if you dont mind?<BR> When i said the baby was fussy. i dont mean that he was crying at the top of his lungs..{remember what it was like to change a 11 mo old baby...how they constantly move} well that was what he was doing when H was trying to change him..and that is what made H upset..but instead of talking to the baby and getting his attention he was more interested in watching his show..and when the baby moved and started to cry that is when hubby told him to shut up and grabbed him roughly..H went beyond the point and the look he gave me was something i have seen before in my past but never with hubby...<BR> "WHEN bedtimes arrived you said to ask hubby nicely to help"---Yes you are right it does sound simple and I have tried that. i have asked nicely but he still gets upset because i have interrupted him...dont get me wrong.. i know H is tired and he is trying to relax and im not saying he doesnt do anything to help around the house. it used to be that he helped all the time and we would get things done together and talk as we did it and then have the rest of the evening to relax and be a family..but its not that way anymore...and hasnt been for along time..<BR> I sounded like i was tense?---yes at the time i posted i was very upset.. and that is why i posted because i needed to talk about what happened..it calmed me down after writing it down..<BR> I agree with you kids know when things are wrong..i think we as parents forget that the kids can sense so much more then we realize..<BR> you said i need to calm down and get myself together--- i do keep myself together because i have to for our kids..its only every now and then i let myself fall apart a little..<BR> trying to coax H to play with the baby---have tried...have tried so many times to involve him with the baby's activities..tried to get him to join in on reading time..games night( with all the boys)<BR>or just a quiet time no tv and we just sit and talk about the day we all had..but when he gets up and turns the tv on..or moves to another area of the house.. then what im i suppose to do?<BR> think back to the incident with the MRI----it is no longer anger talking...the anger has stopped along time ago..hurt yes there will always be a little hurt anytime i think back to that time..Did i tell him i was scared? yes i did from the very first moment we had to go up and see a specialist..i cried in his arms and we both talked about it..and he said we will get through this together...but a week later..up at the hospital..we were both getting ready to go in and sit with OUR son..he changed his mind..and said he would wait in the waiting room..was he scared? yes i know he was..who wouldnt be..but i thought that is why we were doing it together..instead he backed away..<BR> Yes you are right i do say MY son. i used to say our son but not anymore..and i know you think that is wrong of me..but that is for another time to explain..<BR> i know you are not writing this to make me feel bad.. and it isn't all his fault nor is it all mine..it's the both of our faults....some days i think i cant take any more deep breaths if i do i will hyperventlate...hahaha<BR> molly i have asked him and told him i needed him. just a simple hug sometimes..or just for him to listen...but after time when you ask and get no response or when i go to hold his hand and to have him pull it away.. makes it hard to ask again over and over..it just starts to hurt to ask any more.. to be rejected in that way..<BR> about the family and us marrying---my famliy thought i should wait because i was only 18 and his family ..well they had a hard time letting him grow up..to see him getting married..he once said i only married him to get out of the house..i think he is the one who wanted out of his house..yes we loved each other..otherwise i would never had married him..yes i want to be happy..yes i want my kids to be in a happy home..do i want hubby to be happy..yes i do..but the question is do i want that for the 2 of us together or seperate...you say act as if everything is great... Molly thats just it i am tired of acting as if everything is great i have been doing that for to long... i agree you have to move forward in order to leave the past behind.. i tell that to my friends all the time.. i' ve never asked him to read my mind..ive always said what was on my mind..but yes i will admit after time i stopped... and i have learned to keep my emotions covered..because it has been easier lately to do that..<BR> yes mothers are very territorial when it comes to their kids, but i have seen a mom and dad hug a baby to comfort together..and that makes me smile.. <BR> thank you molly for slipping into a rambling mode.. you gave me things to think about.. and thanks for the hug... take care .. and sorry if i rambled on.. <P>------------------<BR>JLK19<p>[This message has been edited by JLK19 (edited August 04, 1999).]

Jlk19<BR>heres another hug {{{{{{ }}}}}}} <P>Ok, right off I'm sorry. I really never meant to make you angry (even if it was only at first).<BR>By reading todays post I can see you are right, you are calmer. I feel so bad that your sad though. I truely don't mean to try to make your problems sound simple, honest!<BR>Some of my suggestions stem from what I wish I had done. I realize now (maybe too late) that the time to fix was when He was still there. It's far harder to try to repair damage done on both sides when you have two seperate lives.<P>I really liked hearing that at one time you did do things like talk as you both cleaned up, then spent time together as family. What happened? Did he just one day withdraw? Did you both slowly slip out of the habit of making time to feed the love so it could stay strong? (That was us)<BR>I've been trying to remember back, remember the good times. I figure if I remember them and how and when they happened then I'll be closer to knowing how to make them happen again. They say "do what works" Well that worked. <P>It made me smile when you said about your family, and you being 18. I too went for it at 18. My God, picture your own child even THIMKING about marriage at 18! But you couldn't tell us anything. But amazingly, we made it this far. I've been married 25 years and am fighting like hell to make it to 26. (The man is not cooperating) <P>Beleive me I've felt like you feel. For years. I almost shut down completely. No going out, no interaction with him at all (accept to fight) and even fighting stopped. I would climb inside that safe place and hide inside myself. Then it got easier and easier to do that. And it was so much more peaceful. I didn't even realize I had no life until he left.<P>Again I'm sorry your sad, try to cheer up.<BR>Keep coming back here, there are so many people here alot more adept at at this than I am. <BR>Take care<BR>Molly<BR>

Dear JLK19,<P>As a husband and a father, I would like to chime in a bit and perhaps offer you another perspective.<P>I would like to start by saying I do not advocate his treatment of your child, that is plain wrong. What I have read in this thread though indicates he may be feeling as I did so I will share that with you.<P>My wife and I were going out for many years before we got married. I have been reading a lot on this site and Dr. Harley's book, his needs her needs. And basically speaking I have a text book marriage. There has been no infidelity, but all the other things that happen to break up a marriage happened just as he outlined in his book.<P>When my wife got pregnent, it put a lot of stress on me, money was tight and I knew I was not ready to be a father. We had the child and she had many problems as an infant. Due to my stress at work and my short fuse, I had a hard time dealing with all the crying etc.....I simply could not deal with it so my wife did the majority of the work. I feel she still resents me to this day and is rather stuck on instances from the past. I was not a horrible father back then mind you, I did change diapers and watched our daughter on occasion so my wife could get out, but she still felt I was not playing a large enough part in "thier" life.<P>The key word above is "thier", everything seemed to revolve around the child. I had in essence lost my wife and now looking back I realize I may have held some resentment against the child for comming between us. I believe this is a fairly common feeling for men when a child comes along and the pain I think could have been greatly reduced if my wife had thought about my feelings at the time a bit more.<P>What I don't think women understand is that a man needs time with his wife and time with the wife and kids just isnt the same thing. Are you putting aside time where just you and your husband are alone to do things together without having to worry about the kids? If not, you may want to try that, I think your husband needs to know that he is still important to you because you need him for yourself and not to just help with the children.<P>Many books advocate your partner above all else, including children, work, housework etc. That does not mean these other issues should be put aside, but they should not be the priority. Obviously your kids have needs and they must be met, but at the same time, so does your marriage. Your time with your spouse may need to be juggled, but many women simply cut it out when children come along instead of juggling it.<P>As for the MRI incident, I am sure the way you expressed your need to your husband made him feel that YOU needed him, but when you got there and he waited in the waiting room, he was probably overcome with sadness once again and felt secondary in your life and therfore opted to stay out of the room.<P>Im not saying one spouse is wrong and the other is right, but one of you is going to have to break the cycle of hurt and try and meet the others needs. It seems obvious your husband isn't up to the task and even if you asked him, he would probably not admit he feels secondary to the children in your life. On that same note, it is probably dificult for you to understand his position because women by nature have a different bond with thier children than men do. What is important however is not that you understand how the other feels because chances are you just wont get it. But you do need to acknowledge what your spouse does feel, respect that and do what you can to improve the situation.<P>Anyways, that of course is probably just the tip of the iceberg and one of many issues, but I thought I would share my outlook. I am not trying to place all the blame on you either, because it is not all your fault. I think that if you find you restore the feeling of being truely needed by YOU, you may find his anger will diminush and he will be a more willing and able father.<P>I hope this insight was of some help.<P>Zyg.<p>[This message has been edited by Zyg (edited August 05, 1999).]