I have been living with my man for 6 and a half years. I call him my man because at this point I don't know how else to refer to him as. We have had the intentions of getting married to each other for the last five and a half years. We have had many adventures together, and seen many different sides of life. I'm sure many more than the average Joe. He has always been completely into me and I into him. We had a wedding date set for July 2000, and in May 1999 he even suggested just having a simple service in the middle of the week to tie the knot. I suggested that we hold out for our original date. In the middle of July he dropped a bomb on me. He said that he needs a break from me, and he wanted us to live apart for awhile. I was very upset, but he reassured me that he didn't intend for it to be forver. He still wanted to be married, but he also wanted to experience what it was like to live on his own before we got married. (He has never lived alone before). I got the impression that he was feeling pretty confined and I didn't really object to living our last year before marraige apart. Well, since then it has escalalted pretty rapidly. At first he still wanted to get married and he wanted us to date still. He said that I could drop into our house at any time. It's now gotten to the point where he says "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore" "I don't know if I want to ever be married" (meaning to me or anyone else) "I don't know if I want children" (which is highly unusual because it has been his most wanted thing out of life since I met him) "I love you more than anyone, you are my best friend, but I don't know that I'm in love with you anymore" "I need to find my passion" "I don't expect for you to wait for me to figure this out, live your life as you would otherwise" "I don't know what I want", etc. etc. When I went to the house yesterday he was shocked because he thought I would call first. We were supposed to go on vacation tomorrow but now I am going alone becasue he doesn't want to go. We have had a very strong commitment to each other always. Right up to the last. He has much increased career responsibilities, and has too much "on his plate" in general at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if it's clouding his vision of us. He says he wants to try to minimize some of those distractions and get back to a simpler life. One of those distractions is me though. I am extremely confused because I never in a million years saw this coming, and because his comments regarding our situation seem to change constantly. In the back of my mind I am worried that maybe there is someone else, but I don't know. I have asked about the possibility of another woman and have repeatedly let him know that the painful truth would be better than a lie lurking around for years that will be much more painfulto deal with. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I am trying to give him space, but then again I don't want to let go. What do you think?<P>------------------<BR>

Just speaking from experience i'd say he has met someone. Hope i am wrong!

but how should I respond in this situation in order to find out the truth with out ruining a possible reconciliation? He said he needed space and obviously if I badger him about "the other woman" theory and there is no other woman I could be digging my own grave so to speak.

I hope I am wrong too, but it sounds as if he has met another woman. I heard the same shocking statements before, "I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you, etc. etc. etc." It did turn out that my H had met some other woman.<P>I would keep asking him to tell you the truth. It would be better to know now than to find out later......<P>I hope that there isn't someone else. Good luck to you.....

Is there anyone out there who feels that there is another possibility or who has had a break with there "spouse" that hasn't ended in disaster and was legitamitly a break?

I was reading along in www.divorceinfo.com (or maybe this site, or maybe both). Anyway the idea was "if someone I am counseling says they need a break from the marriage to "figure things out", I assume that someone else is involved. I'm usually right."<P>I am at a loss otherwise. Not many people are willing to leave a good relationship for "nothing". <BR>

I don't feel like we have "left" the whole relationship. Actually inbetween responses I called him because he is supposed to give me a ride to the airport tomorrow. I told him that I really needed to know about any other women involved in this right away because the pain would be quicker and easier rather long dull and more difficult. I asked him to please tell me the truth. He said if that would become an issue that he would tell me but that it is not something that he has on his mind at all. We had talked about whether this break would entail dating others, dating each other, or just waiting. It's supposed to be a time of waiting and dating each other. Then if one of us decides the rules need to change, then we would let the other know so that we didn't destroy each other in the process of all this. Is it possinle that cold feet could be at play? One of the things he mentioned to me was that he wanted to make sure that he didn't make any decisions that would ruin the rest of his life. He said that marraige was a huge responsibility and he wasn't sure he wanted any more responsibility than what he's already got. Maybe this sounds really weird. I know it sounds like I'm defending him. I guess in a way I am. I mean I know him and nobody who responds to this does. In my gut I don't feel that this is due to another woman. In my gut I feel like it is a mixture of cold feet, and incredible responsibility and liability in his career situation. I don't pretend to know his head is clouded, I know it is because he has told me so, and it was a hunch of mine that it was also. When I called him, I asked him what he was up to and he told me he was pacing in the backyard. I asked him why. He said that there's some major cash flow problems and a job that he was expecting to start today didn't and therefore the money that would come with that job didn't come either. I know he's way over burdened in that area, but what I wish I knew was if these stresses were the reason for his "flipping out" or if he's really ditching me and I just don't see it coming yet. I know infidelity is a major problem and more common than not, and maybe at this point I'm being a fool who's still in love, but I don't feel that that is really the problem right now. At this point I am more concerned about trying to get things back on track whether I live with him or not so that infidelity is less likely to occurr during this time. I am still treating this as salvagable because he seems to be treating it as such too. I just hope in the end that I will retain my sanity.

hbeth-<P>I am going to be as honest as I can about my take on your situation. If you've lived with him for 6 1/2 years w/o him making a commitment to you (marriage), I don't think you'll get it now. He's obviously afraid of marriage. I don't think it sound like someone else is involved (another woman). <P>I have had a few friends who were in a good relationship with a guy for years and years. In every case, they never got married and eventually broke up. <P>Most people I know get married between 1-3 years together. Unless there's a specific reason to delay (school, job, move, etc.). <P>It doesn't sound like he knows why he is feeling the way he does. If he doesn't know, how can he explain it to you? <P>I'm sorry to say I think you should cut your losses and move on. I've seen so many women stay with a guy who will never marry them and by the time they get out of the situation, they are getting close to too old to have kids and start a family. <P>I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years who I thought I would marry someday. After 2 1/2 years he wasn't even ready to discuss moving in together within the next year. It was hard, but I broke up with him. Now (2 years later) I'm happily married. <P>I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I just want to be honest.<P>Good luck to you and Take good care.<P>Myra

I say if your gut tells you he is not seeing anyone then he isn't. I think people have built in "cheater" detectors. Some sort of evolutionary thing. We don't know what's wrong, just that something is terribly wrong. It doesn't sound like that is the case with you.<P>I don't know why he would be balking at the situation. There must be something he is not comfortable with.<BR>